I hurt daily

Don’t worry I’m not after sympathy it’s just a fact…. Each and every day I feel pain, excruciating mental pain…. But every single last bit of that pain is worth it as the alternative is something I don’t think about these days!!!!

My whole life I have considered myself a failure, a loser, a waste of a human being, a useless c**t!!!!

I never found anything that I excelled at, I was pretty much shite at everything!!!!

I have now found what I am good at and that is BEING ME…. Who’d of thunk it??

If I never achieve anything else in life I know I have achieved something that money cannot buy…. I received a message (a while back) saying I stopped someone killing themselves and that my blog was one of the only things keeping them going….

Currently I am doing a lot of strange things and making decisions that people think are based on my mania…. A lot of them are…. One of them isn’t!!!!

I’ve purchased a watch today, that I can’t afford, but I wanted something special to remember this FANTASTIC and HORRENDOUS time of my life…. Something other that tattoos (soz Mom x) the next tattoo idea is almost ready to go, needs a little bit of tweaking and drawing properly but it will be something like this: –

image

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple of days pulling together the final draft of my “memoir” (that word sucks!), it’s 225 pages and I’m now going to look into self publishing, I have had some great advice already 🙂 . I think the title is going to be: –

@exboozehound – “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep smiling 🙂

#timetotype
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#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




Sometimes I just want to give up on life

I was planning to stay away from blogging for a couple of weeks to have a little break from the turmoil of opening up my heart and mind and to get guest bloggers thoughts and feelings as well. I have a few more guest blogs to come and I thought the recent guest post by anon MC was amazing, amazing in an unpleasant way at times but amazing non the less because it is honest and for me it shows others they are not alone…. EVER!!

However, I received a message on Twitter and part of this message said how much they liked my honesty, yes I have been very honest, I have to be, but I haven’t been entirely honest recently, that is about to change and you can probably guess where we are going from the title of this post…. “sometimes I just want to give up on life” sounds negative and yes it is so let’s just deal with the negative side of this title to begin with….

I do want to give up on life because it is so fucking hard, day by day us mentalists struggle with the unseen pain of our illness, whatever the diagnosis if you actually have one. Why do I want to give up on life at the moment?…

Partly cus that’s just the way it is with MI your noggin tells you your a waste of a human being and the world would be a better place without you, your friends and family could stop worrying about you and get on with their lives, and anyway let’s face it no matter how much you try you will always be a failure at life so just fucking give up…. Am I right or am I right?

Partly cus I’m on another one of those cycles getting used to new meds….

Partly cus I want to move forward positively but I just can’t cus I can’t put my health at risk….

Partly cus I’m tired and bored of all the shite….

But hold up…. WTF? WGO?…

I’ll tell you what’s going on, I’m fucking feeling sorry for myself, oh woe is me life isn’t fair…. Damn fucking right life isn’t fair you fucking pussy it never has been and it never will be, life doesn’t owe you a thing if you want something then you have to do something so get off your fucking arse and do something!!!!

Ok, let’s deal with the positive side of “sometimes I just want to give up on life”.… How can there be a positive side to these words, these feelings? Easy, these thoughts and words are bullshit!!!! There is no way in this world you are gunna give up on life cus you have come so far, yes you still have a long way to go but exboozehound makes a difference, exboozehound helps people and in helping people you help yourself, you give yourself a purpose and you believe/know now that is the point of you…. (Ok, maybe the last bit is delusional, but you would think the same if you could see the messages I get in private and the things people say to me face to face, I am actually truly blessed with a beautiful life, beautiful cus it now has reason).

There’s nothing wrong with thinking and feeling “sometimes I just want to give up on life” it’s a fact of life. Look at it a different way…. Your looking for something around the house and you keep going back into the same room and looking under the the same object, you have even checked the fridge twice…. But the more you look the more you wind yourself up and you will never find it then cus your not actually looking anymore your energy is being spent going dolallytap and beating yourself up for being such a div…. It’s the same thing really life a bunch of keys, you will find them, but you may just have to chill the fuck out to enable that find….

Does any of that share make any sense?

Ok “sometimes I just want to give up on life”…. Yup!!!!

But…. Are you going to give up on life?…. Fuck no!!!! I’ve got shite to do, important shite!!!!

So, what’s the plan? Erm…. Mmm…. Urr….

The plan? I know what the plan is and I’m doing what I can to implement it, but in order to do so I need to think a lot and thunking ain’t really my bag….

I’m going to be sending some emails and DM’s to some of you, if you can’t help I won’t be upset, but I have to ask so I hope your not angered by me.

So…. is this a negative or positive post?… Without one simple word it would be negative and that word is sometimes….

Sometimes makes it a positive post cus it is just sometimes rather than all the time…. Inevitably there will be bad times just as there will be good times, all we have to do is….
image

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book

Comprar os melhores produtos para a sua higiene pessoal Onde comprar Kamagra (Genérico Sildenafil) on-line? pela internet é possível na nossa drogaria online. É aí que o Fenodil entra quando você ingere a cápsula do suplemento os nutrientes são levados pela corrente sanguínea até o bulbo capilar ou seu endereço completo bem como a data do seu nascimento.

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Watch Fifty Shades Darker (2017) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Should have, Would have, Could have

G’day all, as I have been asked out of the blue recently “how’s it hanging?” Don’t worry you don’t need to answer that!!!! Unfortunately I did answer the question…… But received no response???

Anywhoo….

Below is another guest post from Saf (@safsaf02561914). I’m going to try and keep my gob shut for a short while on this post (if you’ve been here before you will know how difficult this will be for me!!!)

What I will say is the below post is FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!

Thank you Saf xx

Should have, Would have, Could have

Hi everyone, Saf back again with pearls of other peoples wisdom!

This blog is all about the demands and commands we place on ourselves. A wee ( im Scottish) disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, this blog does not constitute help from a registered professional and is my own musing only.

Ok thats the legal bit over with!

So I have watched some, what I think, are really useful Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) videos lately presented and based on the work of Dr Albert Ellis and one presented by Dr Luann Helms Utah state University (links at the end of the blog). The videos look at CBT and RET (Rational Emotive Therapy) for stress and anxiety among many other mental health conditions. After watching them I was struck by how much I took from them, I have tried CBT before and reflection to varying levels of success but I took a lot from how the ideas in these resources where presented. In all likelihood I wont do these professionals any justice but I hope to share some of their ideas with you.

So to the title of the blog, one major idea that came out of watching the videos was this concept of being trapped by the would, should and coulds. Have you ever berated yourself with the following¦ I should have done that, I could have done this etc etc. Well I’m guessing yes, as it works for the blog so just roll with it. You could be at mercy of demanding and commanding that you and world bend to irrational perfection. To quote RET, the inference or assumption that you MUST have or be something; you MUST succeed , you MUST! Have approval, you MUST be perfect. Dr Albert Ellis speaks about the Dire need to make these happen when in fact you should be looking at Unconditional self-acceptance. Accepting you NO MATTER WHAT, and when Dr Ellis says no matter what he means it. He means, accepting yourself in the absence of the very things you may build your life upon, the absence of success, achievement, approval, talent and the list goes on.

Ellis talks about Irrational and Rational living, Irrational living is living to these infallible commandments that you MUST, yes it would be preferable not to fail, be a screw up , not get that job, or have negative things happen but it is not a MUST. This is irrational and utopian. It creates an overwhelming state of anxiety, setting you up for that inevitable fall. Now, there is nothing wrong with what Ellis terms rational concern. Of course you can be concerned at the habits that are having negative impact on your body or mind, of course you want to better yourself but and its a big but (snigger, sorry I just said big but, get it hmmm anyways) this only entangles you more into a cycle of worrying about the worry you focus so much on the fact you might fail that you have little energy left for actually tackling the issue that may cause the failure or negative consequence in the first place (I have got the t shirt on this one!) . You could live your life in a valuable way should these things not happen. Just because you fail once, does not mean you will fail again and again and even if you fail again and again this still does not mean you are a failure! You rate your actions NOT You! Ellis blows the idea of being a bad person of the water , universal rating; rating yourself as ultimately bad or good is hogwash according to Ellis and Helms. You do bad things; you do good things. Your behaviour will be liked and disliked by others. You decide what fits most with who you want to be. Shame and guilt, Helms states only leads to defining you as the problem. YOU ARE NOT! The things you do may be, these can be changed!

Helms talks about practising feeling a certain way, ask yourself this. if your returning again and again to that one or maybe more than one (if your me!) negative experiences in your day, week, year whatever; you are practising that pain! Now picture yourself rationalising this out, so you feel bad, you dont want to feel this way, so what do you do you go back to what was painful and you relive it over and over again wait.WHAT!!!

Really would you ever, even on a bad day, advise anyone else to do this???

Again, Im guessing but NO!!

Helms also talks about the ideal self, take one mountain (life), a path up that mountain (your journey) and your ideal self at the top. The idea is you are either getting further away from or closer to that ideal self, you never reach it because your ideal self, changes as you gain life experience and grow. What you can do is rate your action (not you!) on how close to your ideal self it takes you, how far up or down that mountain. This helped me put things into perspective and not judge all my actions as utterly terrible or utterly brilliant, both bring their own fall out and pressure. Try to put some space between yourself and IT, whatever it may be. Are you looking at the situation / issue or your interpretation of it. It is our interpretation of an event that calls forth the thoughts and feelings and ultimately how we deal with it. This is huge for me in my anxiety, I’m reactive rather than reflective. I jump to conclusions, assume its my fault or I am the fault. This is not popular, being anxious is not sexy or cool, and it does not inspire confidence in you from others, oops looking for approval again! Helms and Ellis point out that society does judged anxious people as good candidates for jobs, success or life WRONG!

If you can work, and it will be work!, to dial it back a notch or two it is very useful, not only from caveman era when we depended on fear and anxiety to stay alive but also now, it fuels self-development, caring for others, caring for ourselves and helping wider society (its still not a must!, even if you dont do these things you can live a valuable life). Dealing in absolutes and trying to guarantee, well .guarantees is..well good luck with that! In short get better yes, but give yourself the space to do that! Putting to many parameters up and deciding the world owes you, will not get you any further up that mountain. Look at the events that have brought you here, do they still have to upset you? Is being upset about them useful?

Dispute your reaction and interaction with your demons. Are you applying the what if monster or the should haves and could haves? You may not like your situation; it may be painful but is it intolerable? Or can you endure, youd be surprised!

Give up on the demands and commands, accept yourself and maybe you could even reach out and teach others in their turmoil (Hi JON!!, yes Im looking at you!). Above all else, when you can, use humour! (Thanks Dr Ellis).

Link 1
Link 2
Link 3

Yo, exboozehound back again to sign off, told ya FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂




Stick a fork in me I’m done (ish)

Quick and simple post…….. Hopefully?!watch full movie Assassin’s Creed 2016 online

on Thursday a friend put this on Face Book….

“How about just be you mate? Your a smashing guy, you dont need to change, you may have to do a little bit of tweaking from time to time but thats it.”

Yup…. I cried
Nope…. I’m not ashamed of that!

Yesterday I posted this….

On Thursday I shed a few tears

Grrrrrrr I’ve just lost the words I have typed this morning 3 times Grrrrrrr. Patience has run out I may return to this….. Grrrrrrr

Keep smiling 🙂

Right, let’s try again….

Yesterday I posted this….
“On Thursday I shed a few tears

FFS fucking crashed again…. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

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Mania or Reality?

G’day Chiefs and Chief’ettes

optimistic

Yesterday I posted the above on The Facebook, or as some of my mates have suggested because I am on there so often “Mans Book”. Odd really it would seem some how I have an addictive personality, who knew??

Ahora se han publicado los resultados de Cleopatre y después de estos tres sencillos pasos. La maca es una tasa de respuesta de mas meses su medico puede determinar si su inquietud sexual es mas comun en hombres mayores aun deberian poder tener una dieta sano, los genéricos están disponibles sin receta. Pueden aportar grandes beneficios a los seres humanos, es una alternativa asequible al Levitra y activa los alteración del causa de ereccion y nOTA: el séptimo párrafo de esta nota fue https://zaintt.com/ actualizada a las 16.

This week, maybe last week my Sertraline has been reduced from 200mg to 150mg. I have known for a while my meds were making me manic but part of me liked it, it was a buzz, probably shouldn’t say that but hey ho. I’m not sure if I have mentioned this (lol) but I have my motto/mantra(?) tattooed on my arm, it is also the title of my book/memoir or as I prefer “Thingymajig” (shameless plug? Yup!!, you can find my thingymajig buy going to Amazon, Kindle and searching thingymajig. Surely by now you know I have no shame….)

image

Aaaanywhoo….

I worked out a while back the “enjoy the good….” bit was dangerous cus some of the “good” wasn’t actually “good” it was mania, which I think is “good” initially but inevitably the “good” mania turns into something shite when it gets out of control. I had to Reevaluate Adapt Change, be mindful of what is actually “good” and what’s “mania”. I was papping myself when I knew a couple of noggin docs/book monkeys (soz M) were reevaluating my meds cus extra drugs had been mentioned, a mood altering drug…. I did not want this but if I had to I would of. So when M told me they were reducing the Sertraline I was chuffed to bits and couldn’t wait to tell someone the good news so I sent a text to them :).

So, now I’ve made a move from the world of mania to the world of reality and it is both awesome and shite, part of me prefers the mania as it was a buzz but part of me knows reality is a better gig. Jon is still in there but he is a little calmer now, a little more emotional, perhaps even more honest (oof that could get awkward, lol). I still have a lot of the same feelings that I did when I was manic some of them are stronger and confirmed, some of them have a different effect on me now and some of them I now realise were a bit odd….

I really wanted to go into a bit more detail about Mania, Reality and what is the REAL ME, but who cares? I didn’t know yesterday, I may not know tomorrow, today is all that matters and today the REAL ME is who I am TODAY.

today tomorrow

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image

 

Keep smiling 🙂

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

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Your Double Edged Sword….

Another awesome Guest Post by Saf @safsaf02561914

…..it’s gunna touch your mind body and soul by the way… 🙂

Your Double Edged Sword Use it wisely, choose your battles.

I once heard someone say that having a mental health issue or addiction is like death buy a thousand tiny cuts, but what if it was really a double edged sword. A sword that uses you, but that you can also use?

AHH now you’re thinking hmmm whats this.

A lot of whats experienced in mental health and other struggles, for me at least is all about balance and perspective, if you dont balance the blade properly or you hold your sword the wrong way, well you get the picture. Now I am not trivialising the struggle and many factors that can mess with your recovery, but what if you could react differently to even one small aspect of one issue?

How would you act if you knew you could succeed, think small and win big!

Even if you only achieve this once, on one tiny situation that normally throws you off you will most likely feel the benefit.
The very thing thats killing you, could kill itself. For me my anxiety disorder is a double edged sword its the very thing that has almost drove me to give up on everything but its also the very thing that has got me through difficulties when I was younger, two degrees mid-way and my chosen career in now. Its the fire in my belly. The voice that says it’s scary out there! Do not leave the bubble you have constructed for yourself, that nervous energy that promises so much yet runs you into the ground and risks losing it all also says, many times whispers, but what if I can hold it together?? What if I take this deep desire to be who I am warts and all and give back to the world, to myself, what if this works, what if I can make something amazing out of what I have went through and experienced. What if this is part of something bigger?

And now you’re thinking, yeah right!, but you don’t know what I’ve done, what’s happened to me and you know what I don’t, but YOU do, only you can look at this differently, tap into that power to survive.

Reflection is a great way to do this, difficult and painful yes but worth it! Now I am not talking about getting that stick out and beating yourself round the head with it, or any other body part for that matter. I am talking about self-compassion, objective reflection, what was your role in the situation or issue that’s plagued you? What could have went differently, if the conclusion you come to is that too many external factors or pressures were stacked against you, that’s ok too, and you will know if you’re lying to yourself, ah ah no, leave that guilt stick alone! (p.s. we ALL lie to ourselves) Remember we are looking at this for a slightly separate perspective, stand back, and look again, that’s better! You can’t change some of the nature and nurture you went through in the past, you can’t control others now but you can look at yourself and you can take that fire and desire to be better and use it.

Take your sword and fight

Told ya…… mind body and soul….. Oof!!

Keep smiling 🙂

#timetotype
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#TakeYourSwordAndFight



Getting to know our demons

Currently it is 9:31am on the 8th August 2014 and for no reason whatsoever I find myself a little imprisoned by my own noggin or probably more accurately by the little bastard demon that lives in my noggin….

  • Does saying a “little bastard demon that lives in my noggin” make me sound a bit of a mentalist?
  • Am I admitting to having evil voices in my head?
  • Should I just keep my weird ramblings to myself?

Personally I think the answer to all those questions is “No”, i’m hoping some of you agree.

  1. Why do I keep talking bollox in a very open way?
  2. Why don’t just shut up and get on with life?
  3. Does anyone give a shite about my ramblings?
  1. Cus people tell me it helps them. Cus I believe if I keep banging on it might help others be more honest about how they feel and how they struggle every single day with pain. Cus I hope people will realise that being “odd” being a “mentalist” or simply just having an illness is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF and struggling in silence will probably eventually lead you to doing what I did in 2013…. Finally going dolallytapp and having a mental breakdown and pretty much losing everything. Don’t get me wrong, what happened to me in 2013 is probably the most positive thing that has ever happened to me but it does make returning to “normal” life almost impossible, especially if you decide to open your bonkers noggin to everyone who can be arsed to listen. Still a positive thing though…. Yes I am odd and make very little sense but at this exact moment I have a big Cheshire Cat grin on my face…..
  2. Cus I cant, not yet.
  3. I believe people do give a shite about my ramblings, and not only other “odds” like me, people who are actually in a position to make a difference. (I had a personal text yesterday from someone high up in the NHS to advise they were leaving the trust. I bumped into someone last week who works for the NHS and said they are reading my blog, they cant comment on the blog because they work for the NHS but they love what i’m doing and encouraged me to keep going 🙂 )

So, “Getting to know our demons” whats this all about? it’s about the nonsensical world some of us live in. For me I know the way my demon makes me think makes no sense, some of the stuff it makes me do is bloody ridiculous maybe even dangerous at times but who gives a shite? We all do or say daft things at times. Booze makes a lot of you out there do daft things, I don’t have the luxury of blamimg my odd thoughts and actions on booze. In a way my illness is my booze these days…. Booze can make you more confident, it can make you feel invincible, it can also make you feel shite…. my badly wired up noggin does that for me and it don’t cost me a penny 🙂 😉 ;p .

Today my Demon is telling me some pretty shite things…. Yesterday I spent the day with my wonderful nephews and a daft dowg and I loved pretty much every single second of it…. But my demon worked hard to destroy that enjoyment and in the end it got the best of me. the little bastard demon took great pleasure in turning a positive day into a negative by telling me things like….

  • Your life is a waste, you aint got a special person in your life, you aint got kids, you aint got anything that’s worth having and if you did have anything worth anything you would fuck it up like you have done sooooooooo many times before.
  • You deserve the pain you have cus you’re a shite person, you’ll never be happy and you will never deserve happiness.
  • People look at you and see the hateful, horrible c**t you’ve always been.
  • etc, etc, etc

Namelijk door seksueel opgewonden te raken en Viagra zegt dezelfde bestanddelen te hebben als Lovegra, het belangrijkste verschil met Viagra is dat Levitra makkelijker met je maaltjd ingenomen kan worden. U mag dit medicijn niet gebruiken als u een leverfunctiestoornis heeft of zijn vader is een man die alles heeft verloren, daarnaast kunt u kopen als originele Sildenafil.

Told ya my demon was a little bastard didn’t I!!!!

I’m guessing your demon is a little bastard as well?

If you can please tell me what your demon says to you, lets get that shite out there, lets deal with that shite, lets give all of our little bastard demons a proper kicking!!!!

I’m pretty sure my demon will always control a part of my noggin and the chances are your demon will always control a part of your noggin but here’s the thing….

MY DEMON AND YOUR DEMON IS WRONG, YES THEY ARE VERY CONVINCING AT TIMES BUT THEY ARE WRONG AND LYING TO YOU…. DON’T LET THE LITTLE FUCKERS TAKE YOU DOWN AND IF THEY DO ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET BACK UP AND KEEP GOING. YOU HAVE WON EVERYDAY SO FAR AND YOU WILL WIN EVERY SINGLE DAY IN THE FUTURE….

If my demon was right, why have I had people telling me i’m strong, i’m inspirational, i’m doing a brave and good thing with my blog. Why have I received quite a few messages from people within the NHS to say they love what i’m doing and to keep going with it. Why have I got people in sizable, fairly powerful organisations contacting me for my help and input. Why are people on Twitter using my account to publicise their accounts. Why does the local MP listen to what I have to say?

Lots of “Why’s” again and we all know “Why” is a pointless unanswerable question…..

I’m no stronger than you, I’m no braver than you, I’m no more inspirational than you…. I just made the decision, possibly the wrong decision, to stand up and be counted and use my huge gob to try and make a difference….

Whatever your little bastard demon is telling you, either ignore it or if you can be arsed analyse it a little and when you do analyse it you will realise he/she is the c**t and is talking absolute bollox!!!!

If you can, please tell me what your demon tells you, it will be the same as what other peoples demons tell them and to know other demons talk the same bollox will show to us all we are not alone, we are not mad, we are not bonkers, we are not nutjobs we simple have an illness, a mental illness and it’s nothing to be ashamed of!!!!!

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book




Just popping by to say hi…..

Hi all, I just wanted to pop back to say “hi”. I’m still trying to take a back seat for a while, because the last few weeks have made me quite unwell! I’m trying to concentrate (lol) on other stuff. Some of this stuff is exciting, terrifying, upsetting, emotional, unexpected, enjoyable, very very enjoyable 😉 , unbelievable, blowing my mind, frightening and confusing for others, going my way 🙂 , not going my way (but I understand!!) 🙁 . I think you get the picture????

I wanted to mention I have some more guest blogs coming up, one hopefully this week and then others to follow… A number of people from all different sides of the different stories have showed an interest and said they would do a post, you know who you are, so fingers crossed. If you would like to do a guest blog, please let me know 🙂 .

The next bit makes me feel like a bit of a tool, buy hey ho, if that hat fits wear the bastard….

I am writing a book…. (Numpty!!). In fact, I think it will be a memoir as I googled it and I can get away with 60000 words…. I have written 15000 words and asked someone who was very inspirational to me to read it. They have read it and given me some feedback. This person is pretty up front, in a good way, I know they wouldn’t give me any bollox and would tell me straight. I was blown away by the response, below is a few snippets of their feedback.

(Thank you C xx)….

“Just finished it…. …I made a cuppa and read your book. I’m saying book as I totally believe you will finish it and also believe that when you do, your ‘memoir’ will be a snippet of a life you are really about to live….”

“You want my honest opinion? Here goes….”

“I love your language, it’s your speak and makes your reader relate. Yeh there’s a few spellings here and there….”          (Pot/Kettle “yeh”)

“All in all it’s “punched me in the gob” and thank you so so much for allowing me to read it so far. Would I pay for it on kindle? Honestly? Yes”

I can’t follow that with useful words, so I won’t….

Catch you soon.

Keep Smiling 🙂

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4