Sometimes I just want to give up on life

I was planning to stay away from blogging for a couple of weeks to have a little break from the turmoil of opening up my heart and mind and to get guest bloggers thoughts and feelings as well. I have a few more guest blogs to come and I thought the recent guest post by anon MC was amazing, amazing in an unpleasant way at times but amazing non the less because it is honest and for me it shows others they are not alone…. EVER!!

However, I received a message on Twitter and part of this message said how much they liked my honesty, yes I have been very honest, I have to be, but I haven’t been entirely honest recently, that is about to change and you can probably guess where we are going from the title of this post…. “sometimes I just want to give up on life” sounds negative and yes it is so let’s just deal with the negative side of this title to begin with….

I do want to give up on life because it is so fucking hard, day by day us mentalists struggle with the unseen pain of our illness, whatever the diagnosis if you actually have one. Why do I want to give up on life at the moment?…

Partly cus that’s just the way it is with MI your noggin tells you your a waste of a human being and the world would be a better place without you, your friends and family could stop worrying about you and get on with their lives, and anyway let’s face it no matter how much you try you will always be a failure at life so just fucking give up…. Am I right or am I right?

Partly cus I’m on another one of those cycles getting used to new meds….

Partly cus I want to move forward positively but I just can’t cus I can’t put my health at risk….

Partly cus I’m tired and bored of all the shite….

But hold up…. WTF? WGO?…

I’ll tell you what’s going on, I’m fucking feeling sorry for myself, oh woe is me life isn’t fair…. Damn fucking right life isn’t fair you fucking pussy it never has been and it never will be, life doesn’t owe you a thing if you want something then you have to do something so get off your fucking arse and do something!!!!

Ok, let’s deal with the positive side of “sometimes I just want to give up on life”.… How can there be a positive side to these words, these feelings? Easy, these thoughts and words are bullshit!!!! There is no way in this world you are gunna give up on life cus you have come so far, yes you still have a long way to go but exboozehound makes a difference, exboozehound helps people and in helping people you help yourself, you give yourself a purpose and you believe/know now that is the point of you…. (Ok, maybe the last bit is delusional, but you would think the same if you could see the messages I get in private and the things people say to me face to face, I am actually truly blessed with a beautiful life, beautiful cus it now has reason).

There’s nothing wrong with thinking and feeling “sometimes I just want to give up on life” it’s a fact of life. Look at it a different way…. Your looking for something around the house and you keep going back into the same room and looking under the the same object, you have even checked the fridge twice…. But the more you look the more you wind yourself up and you will never find it then cus your not actually looking anymore your energy is being spent going dolallytap and beating yourself up for being such a div…. It’s the same thing really life a bunch of keys, you will find them, but you may just have to chill the fuck out to enable that find….

Does any of that share make any sense?

Ok “sometimes I just want to give up on life”…. Yup!!!!

But…. Are you going to give up on life?…. Fuck no!!!! I’ve got shite to do, important shite!!!!

So, what’s the plan? Erm…. Mmm…. Urr….

The plan? I know what the plan is and I’m doing what I can to implement it, but in order to do so I need to think a lot and thunking ain’t really my bag….

I’m going to be sending some emails and DM’s to some of you, if you can’t help I won’t be upset, but I have to ask so I hope your not angered by me.

So…. is this a negative or positive post?… Without one simple word it would be negative and that word is sometimes….

Sometimes makes it a positive post cus it is just sometimes rather than all the time…. Inevitably there will be bad times just as there will be good times, all we have to do is….
image

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);



//

Watch Fifty Shades Darker (2017) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Untitled – Guest Post

Men knocking the hell out of women. I’ve read so many horrifying articles about it and my heart goes out to those women & children who live with it. I’ve never understood why anyone would stay but that’s me – a bloody hypocrite..

I saw a documentary about a lady who left and put her life back together. She said something that I could completely identify with. She said that she was ok through the day but when she heard his key in the lock she felt sick.

My H doesn’t and has never nor would he hit me. He’s just not like that. He’s a decent bloke who works hard and away much of the time. Because of this I kinda get how his world is fairly closed and he’s generally the only one in it.

He is a drinker. He won’t say he’s an alcoholic but does admit he “has a problem”. He drinks and the next day he’s “embarrassed” and “doesn’t know why he did it”. All water off a ducks back to me it’s always been but in the last few years that sound, the twisting of the cap and pouring sets me on edge, turns my stomach like the battered woman who hears the key in the lock. I know how the evening will be. He won’t be able to remember anything but will get agitated with me and insist I converse. It’s always a waste of time as when he’s sober he won’t remember and accuse me of not informing him. I’m stupid ya see, a bit thick apparently. Can’t even be trusted with info about things I used to do in my old job in banking. Can’t be right unless someone else says it. He will check what I say with someone else, the internet. Once he only took what I said from a friend of mine who wasn’t even in banking!?!

I’m not to say anything when he goes for it the night before cos “he knows OK”. But I can’t keep my trap shut. Gets me in trouble and gets me a ticking off, but I never learn. Why don’t I leave (back to my thoughts about the battered woman – ya see? Hypocrite).

Why am I spilling this? Well I have had depression and it scared the bejesus outta me. I seriously thought I would end up dead. Driving alone scared me, I took detours to avoid trees that might kill me if I bloody hit them hard enough. One doc told me to “go for a walk”. I was in pieces and it put me off going again. A friend ordered me to go again and the receptionist made me feel like I shouldn’t be there and gave me a luminous laminated sheet to hold while waiting so everyone knew I was wasting the docs time. It has large case capitals on it asking :

IS THIS REALLY AN EMERGENCY?
COULD YOU HAVE WAITED FOR A ROUTINE APPT SO SOMEONE WHO REALLY NEEDS AN APPT COULD BE SEEN?

Bla bla bla. I felt sick holding this thing, the room was getting smaller, everyone was staring wondering why on earth I was there (obs in my head but very real at the time). Yep, I walked out and drove out of my way avoiding the trees crying and terrified.

Anyway, back to the matter in hand. The sound of booze makes me sick. The sarcasm or sometimes silence, or or or that follows makes me feel like nothing. If he’s in a good mood I can be, if he’s not I may as well forget it. That’s the control his drinking has over him AND me. If i go out (I go out quite a lot) that’s wrong. Where am I going, when will I be back? I’ve learned to be elusive, that way I can’t always be late can I? He’s even called and slated me accusing me of lying about whether I’m on my way back. One weekend I had with a friend he ordered me back by 5pm and didn’t even believe her when I put her on the phone to back me up. I was so enraged that he stressed me so much we had full on war when I returned. So you see I have the fight in me when I feel normal but it wears me down.

Why not just fecking punch me?

I used to like a drink. Just to chill, be cheeky and laugh a lot at things that ain’t that funny. But the demons are heading back. They’re at the garden gate and I can hear them. I haven’t the fight in me so he’s drinking like a good un. My sons just started and now thinks he can talk to me like H does. I’m still fighting that one but what example is he more likely to follow?

So I sympathise genuinely with you guys addicted to the booze or what ever your bag is if you seriously are brave enough to recognise it and face it head on. I also feel for the others, the partners/family – it affects them too, more than you will ever know. They don’t know what to do? They feel boring, worthless, ignorant, the put downs become totally believable when we can’t stand it anymore. We don’t even own our own emotions. You’re content so we can be. Your pissed off so we are too. It’s taking over your life and OURS but gotta protect the kids. You think you’re protecting them until you realise all you do is yell at them and say awful things to them. I’m ashamed to say I don’t even want to cook for them and spend time with them when it’s bad for me. Booze affects everyone and doesn’t just affect the boozer. Why don’t I leave? I’m a feisty gobby mare who has great friends and can get on with it most of the time. Right now I’m laying down hiding from the darkness that I feel above me. God knows if I will get through it this time. I get the strength to go to the docs and it’s whether I can stand the callous, inefficient, pathetic way I will be treated with the luminous laminated shame sheet on whether I make it to the doc or if I find that tree..

Why do I identify with Jon? It’s because I’m in awe of someone who has achieved what he has. In his boozing and his depression. What is awesome about this guy is he owned how he was, he knows what he put his nearest n dearest through and he’s probably the most honest guy I’ve ever come across. My H couldn’t give a rats arse about anyone else even when he’s sober but Jon wants to help and he is. What he doesn’t know ain’t worth knowing. I’m rooting for him every day and just at the moment – hoping I can beat those little bastards too.

Thank you, anon (MC) x

I have replied to MC privately, please reply to MC to show her and others in the same situation that they are not alone!!!!

I’m not gunna comment any further….

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);



//

I’ve been told today…..

I’ve been told today…..

Since my noggin doc appointment on Monday I haven’t been very well, partly through exhaustion (I know pathetic I don’t even work!!), partly through anger, partly through fear, partly through new meds (I like the new meds they make me feel very very relaxed, almost high 🙂 ).….

Let’s be honest there are many many reasons for me not being very well the main one being that I am mentally ill, so I’m gunna stop mulling it over in my noggin and I’m gunna blast a few things out randomly and then see what happens…..

I’ve been going down hill for weeks and fighting it
I’ve been getting frustrated with people (I now know that was me frustrated with me)
I’m scared what an actual diagnosis will do to my noggin
I’m scared I’ll never be able to work again
I’m scared I’ll never be “fixed”
I’m scared I don’t know who I am (cus I’ve not been me for so long I’ve been “Jon”)
I’m scared no one will ever be able to love me and trust me
I’m scared, I’m frightened, I’m pathetic, I’m not man enough

Oh yes and I’m feeling sorry for myself!!!!

Yes, I’ve been going down hill and fighting it because that’s what us mentalists do, we fight!
Yes, I’m frustrated at me, that’s good because I’m frustrated cus I know I’m better than this!
Who gives a shite about an actual diagnosis, book monkeys ain’t got a clue anyway!
Work, well if it comes to it and you can’t work again, fuck it, it is what it is!
Fixed, fixed doesn’t exist, everybody out there is bonkers they just don’t know it yet!
Who am I? I’m a good person, that’s all that matters!
If no one can trust and love me, then tough….. Shit happens!
Scared, no your not! Frightened, no your not! Pathetic, no your not! Man enough, yes you fucking are!

Right, that solves that…. Doesn’t it?

Nope!

I’m gunna feel a little sorry for myself for a bit, I won’t be smiling all the time, I might even keep my gob still for a bit and reflect or maybe I’ll #ReevaluateAdaptChange …. Again….

I have been told today that I need to concentrate on myself which I’m going to do.

The amazing person who told me this also said many other amazing things to me which I am going to keep to myself, all I will say is it was exactly what I needed to hear, so thank you, you have just stopped a Nutjob going into a full meltdown xx

Oddly I’ve had a couple of DM’s on Twitter today that have given me more fight and belief, I hope you will get something from them aswell….

Anon 1

I will RT your mission re: mental illness Xxxxxx You’re RockStar Jon, bravo!

Me
Thank you…. RockStar? I wish xx
How’s things your end? X

Anon 1
Things busy in NYC & I’m not fond of summer. Ok if not RockStar then Lord of Raomi Land (Raise awareness on mental illness) xxo

…that’s as witty as I get at 6:31 am NYC time…. Sorry I did not see your message until just now. Have a great day Jon.Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

These words blew me away! How amazing for someone to take their time to say that to me!!

Anon 2

I normally hate it when people turn my stuff into “their stuff”, but I’m going to do exactly that here…
For the past 20 years ish I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks with nobody ever really knowing why, and tbh that was my own fault, I’ve spent time having different therapies – inc a month at the priory as an in-patient after a catatonic breakdown, and although it helped I still wasn’t “well”…
Last year again I was back on meds and I finally got regular weekly counselling on the NHS. I don’t know what was different about this counsellor, but after 20 years I was finally honest about everything. My ex husband had been abusive in the worst ways but the long mental abuse really fucked me up (lol)… anyway.. point is, that after only 16 sessions of nhs counselling I’m now a different person. I genuinely now believe that if you stick at it long enough eventually you will meet a healthcare professional who u will click with and who can get you to unlock all the crap. Don’t get me wrong it was hideous and the flashbacks and nightmares were awful BUT if a fucked up nightmare can be “cured” whilst having treatment for cancer, ANYONE can… before treatment I couldn’t even get hugs from my kids round my neck cause it would trigger flashbacks… now I can swing them round my head & shoulders without a worry! I even gave my ex a lift recently without a panic attack.
Keep asking for weekly sessions as tablets only mask what’s going on inside. You CAN get through anything, I can see how strong and determined you are, please just believe in yourself and that you WILL get there 🙂 xx

Me
You are amazing!!!
How do you feel about being quoted on my blog?
Understand if no
I think I’ve met my healthcare professional

Anon 2

I am very NOT amazing lol! Not sure what in my blethering is quotable, but sure lol!
I can see you’re a fighter and have faith in u s’all 🙂

All I can say is inspirational, and thank you x

Right so I’m gunna concentrate on myself for a couple of weeks see if I can get a few positive things moving forward, watch this space?

I need and it is a need not a want, I NEED more guest bloggers, new bloggers, return bloggers, mentalist bloggers, alcoholic bloggers (both active and retired), mentalists and alcoholics victims bloggers, “normal” bloggers etc etc. As I hope you know by now no subject is off the table!!!!

Some of you will be thinking “I wish I could write something, but I can’t” bollox to that yes you can, write something and send it to me…. I wrote something for a friend the other day and he wrote back and told me it was shite…. Well, that’s the point it might not be perfect but it’s what’s in your noggin at the time and what’s in your noggin is more than likely in someone else’s noggin and reading it will help them, writing it will help you so just bloody write it….

Sometimes we have to be told, I’ve been told today and now so have you….

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);



//

F’d off with this shite

I have a feeling this post is gunna be a complete pile of shite cus my head ain’t in the right place but I need to post to get it out, sorry.

I know I have to see a psychiatrist cus I’m a mentalist but I just don’t think the build up before the appointment and the immense disappointment after the appointment is worth it. My NEW noggin doc is a good bloke and he knows his game but it has been 2 months between appointments and yesterday we spoke for 26 minutes during which he spoke for about 2 of them. He asked me to make another appointment for 6 to 8 weeks time but I couldn’t cus he is completely and utterly fully booked and just to fuck me off a little bit more when he writes me a prescription for the new meds I’ve gotta take my file has still got the wrong fucking address on it. I have advised my address change many times to the NHS.

Although to be fair to the NHS I have advised my address change to the DWP many times but they still have it wrong and during a conversation yesterday, a call I had to make, I was read a warning about action being taken against me if I failed to provide up to date details…. I made a phone call to them because 52 weeks on I haven’t had my interview I should of had after 13 weeks as they have a bit of a back log…. Can I take action against them for not providing me with up to date details????

I need to stress that I like the new noggin doc, like I liked my last one who I saw twice before I was swapped to another one because the original one was a temporary measure, a temporary measure that no one could be arsed to tell me about. This will come as no great shock when I say the issue is the broken, pathetic, not fit for purpose NHS system it is broken and it is un fixable!!!! And it’s not just the mental health side that’s broken, oooohh nnooooo, after what I witnessed in Truro hospital last week and some of the many many other stories I have been told recently….

In the past I have made sure I stressed how good the people within the system are and in the main they are but the nurses on duty, (I’d say looking after but that would be bullshite!!) I wouldn’t let them look after a bucket of shite…. The doctor I spoke with was fantastic but the people in charge of making sure my nan was comfortable and not in too much pain were useless to the point that the buzzer each patient should have was still wrapped around the top of the bed before someone overheard my mom saying to nan that she should push the buzzer if she needed anything….

Anywhoo….

I don’t know why I asked the noggin doc yesterday about a diagnosis but I did and he gave me a vague different diagnosis to the vague diagnosis the last noggin doc gave me after I had to ask. I’m not gunna ask again cus it really doesn’t matter…. As I’ve said before I believe what noggin docs do is mainly guess work, they chuck a few pills at you and see what effect they have on you, then they find out that effect 8 weeks later at the next 25 minute appointment. Problem is, this process is fucking with my head and fucking with my life, I want to start making some more positive constructive steps forward to get back into the real world but it’s just not possible!!!! And it’s not possible because of the NHS, yes I am getting some help from them now but it is far too late, veeeeery slow and veeeeery painful and having a veeeeery negative effect on me and those around me.

How the fuck is a noggin doc supposed to make a specific diagnosis or put together a useful care plan when they only see you for 25 minutes every 8 weeks. The answer to this question is They can’t, so you end up like a fucking puppet hanging from strings unable to move your body and life forward yourself…. It’s an absolute disgrace!!!!

I used the word negative a few lines ago, this is a very negative moment in my joke of a life and if I wasn’t as strong as I am fuck knows what would happen, but because of me, because I am selfish, because I am stubborn, because I’m a fucking determined c**t I will spin this negative to a positive and I will use it to give me more determination to make a difference, I will use that determination to make sure I fix myself cus let’s face it the NHS CANT BE ARSED AND HAVENT GOT ANYWHERE NEAR THE RESOURCES THEY NEED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE, ALL THEY DO IS MAKE ME WORSE AND PUT ME IN DANGER.watch The Belko Experiment movie online now

Some of the above is a little unfair to the people who I see on a regular basis these days, but I’m pretty sure they would agree with most of it, off the record of course….

So where has this weeks NHS appointment left me?
Sitting on my own writing this, mobile switched off, logged out of Twitter, logged out of Facebook. I can’t face logging into either of them and those who know me will know how often I am usually on them both.

So thank you once again NHS your help has left me isolated and not wanting to communicate with the outside world…. That’s progress!!!!

I’ve now got to see if I can work out how to post links to this post without fully logging in to Facebook and Twitter, I know it’s possible but my head is currently fucked up I can’t thunk.

Thanks NHS, thanks for absolutely NOTHING!!!

Also I would like to say a special thank you to EBE’s for treating me like a c**t as well

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);



//