Today I fell apart a bit….

These things don’t generally happen all of a sudden, there’s usually a recognisable build up and this time it was no different. I knew it was coming and I tried hard not to fight it, that might sound a little odd, surely yoku should fight it all the time?

The way I see it these days….

Is there really a point in wasting loads of energy fighting the inevitable? Yes that probably sounds really negative, but it’s not it’s realistic and for me it’s the way it has to be at the moment.

If I’d spent loads of energy fighting against the dip that was coming I would be more tired when the dip arrived, today has been a really negative day, I got up and felt pretty shite, I decided I would go and have 30 minutes on the squash court to try and spark myself into action and remove the aggression boiling inside, the anger about living a pointless existence having achieved absolutely nothing in life (bear with me I was feeling sorry for myself). I did 30 minutes on the squash court broken up with sets of push-ups and for a split second I started feeling a bit better about the day ahead…. And then all of a sudden the madness began, I was sat at the front wall of the court and all I wanted to do was shout and cry, there was a guy cleaning on the balcony of the squash court and in my mind I felt myself thinking “he’s laughing at me, he’s laughing at how sad it is that I’m on the squash court by myself” (told ya “the madness began” bloody nutter!!).

I left the squash court and this guy was standing at the reception talking and laughing with some colleagues, of course “they were laughing at me”…… I just wanted to get home (not that I have my own home, cus I’m a useless waste of a human being), I needed to get myself something to eat so went into Asda and immediately felt the pressure, everyone in there knew I was mentally ill and we’re moving out of my way. I got to the tobacco till, there was a queue and in the queue was a guy I went to school with, we spoke but I felt really rude cus I really didn’t want to get involved in the conversation. One of my mates wives was there with their two kids and I just kept looking the other way cus I didn’t want to get involved in another possible conversation. I got to the front of the queue and asked for my backy of choice (the cheap one cus I’m a loser and I no longer work), I thought the lady who served me was looking at me with concerned eyes.

When I walked out of Asda my mates wife and kids were there so I looked the other way, I couldn’t get into the lift cus I didn’t want to be in the enclosed space and what if she got in the lift as well, I’d have to make conversation and I didn’t want her to see me looking all possessed with madness… I took the stairs and the closer I got to the floor I needed the more I just wanted to cry, my noggin was now buzzing and throbbing and I felt like I was gunna explode…..

I got to my car (a knackered piece of shit of a car, cus that’s all I can afford as I’m a waste of space who hasn’t worked for more than a year since my mental breakdown (sign of weakness!!!) in June 2013) and as soon as I was safely in the car the tears started, I wasn’t blubbing like a baby it just felt like a release of pressure.

I drove back to my Dads, still with tears in my eyes, I paced backwards and forwards in the kitchen struggling to work out how to open and dish up the salad I had bought for lunch. I went upstairs to eat my lunch and have some meds to help me relax and was back in bed for 12pm, crying and stressing about how pathetic I was and what a pointless existence I have lived having reached the age of 41 and having absolutely nothing to show for those 41 years….

I got out of bed at about half five, had some tea that my Dad had cooked me, rolled some fags and then started writing this. I currently feel numb and a bit weird having just written out all of the shite above, knowing it’s all completely true and at the same time a complete load of BOLLOX. I know people weren’t laughing at me and moving out of my way, I know I’m not a waste of a human life but sometimes my badly wired up noggin just decides to short circuit and give me a hard time.

Tomorrow is another day, I will hopefully have some energy to deal with tomorrow because I haven’t wasted all my energy fighting the inevitable, I’ve just accepted that from time to time I lose the plot a little bit, I can’t cope with “normal” situations and currently my future looks pretty bleak.

What have I got to look forward to?

Well, probably the same as every other single person whether they are mentalists or normals, some good times, some bad times and in order to make the most of what my future holds I will deal with each day one day at a time, today’s shite has no bearing on yesterday or tomorrow, tomorrow is another day….

“It is what it is”

“Shit happens”

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Theres no real point to this post, I hope some people will identify with some of the mad stuff I have written above and know there’s nothing wrong with being a bit of a nut job, it’s just the way it is sometimes there doesn’t have to be a reason, there probably isn’t a why, it’s just one of those things and because I accept this madness can happen at times I can survive it and bounce back….Logan movie trailer

“There ain’t nothing I/WE can’t handle…. Eventually!!!!”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)


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Coming out of the mental illness closet.

G’day all, below we have another guest post from my new Australian Face Book friend Kelly. I hope you find these words as inspirational as I know they are…..

Coming out of the mental illness closet. By Kelly the Aussie 🙂

I was diagnosed with Bipolar about 9 years ago, to me it was a load of rot, I couldn’t have a mental illness. I mean I know I wasn’t quite right, like I would have ups and downs, and get moody, but it was the depression side of bipolar I was having a lot of time coping with. After my diagnosis I looked into it a bit, I also met a very special internet friend that was looking for answer and we happened to meet on a site, she helped me understand the illness a lot and helped me cope with a lot of feelings, it is great to have an understanding ear.

After my diagnoses I struggled for a couple of years to believe I had bipolar, the reason being, I was also stuck in the stigma of mental illness, to me mental illness just meant people were crazy and scary, and that’s something I didn’t want to be, certainly I didn’t feel like I was crazy or scary, I was ignorant, I didn’t know anything about it, so to me it was a scary world. I must admit coming to terms with having a mental illness was the hardest thing to cope with, the first few years was the hardest and the most times I have been manic and hypo manic tendencies. I was elaborating my illness because of what others would think, and my own delusional thoughts ,I wasn’t accepting it I was pushing it away but it made me worse.

After learning a lot more about mental illness I finally accepted my condition, I intergraded CBT into my life and it helped make bipolar more controllable. But I still hadn’t told many people I was still afraid of the stigma and what I would be thought of, so only a handful of people knew, I kept it to myself and those close for 8 years. I had accepted but was still afraid to let people know, I didn’t really care if people knew or not, it was none of their business anyway, but I felt that this may help me to help break the stigma and make me feel better, hahah and I guess some may start to understand why I act certain ways lol. Finally I didn’t give a rats bumb what people thought, and after reading some of Jon’s blogs he kind of unknowingly inspired me to come out. So a few days ago I publically announced on my facebook wall that I am bipolar , a few hours later I had numerous reply’s of support and understanding and also others admitting they also had a mental illness. I was so relieved and surprised at the same time. It really helped me understand that support is out there, and so many are going through the same thing, I had nothing to worry about it was only my bipolar mind telling me other wise. All those suffering a mental illness will find it hard coping, but by doing certain things can help lift you. Coming out may not seem big to some but it was a 8 year processes for me, and its like a small weight has been lifted . hugs and kisses xo

Thank you Kelly for having the courage to write this. I know it will help others come to terms with their mental illnesses. There is nothing to be ashamed or scared of we just have an illness.Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

If you are reading this and feel inspired to come out of your mental illness closet, if you do take that huge step I am pretty sure you will receive the same levels of support and understanding Kelly and I havevreceived. However if you do find people that aren’t supportive know this….. That’s there problem some people are just ignorant and you don’t need them in your life, FACT!

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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The Unseen, Unheard Deadly Illness

Hi, I’m very proud to be able to publish this new Guest Post, it’s written by an American young lady called Anya. Anya wrote this essay for an English assignment at school, she is 16 and I know by the time you have finished reading what she has written you will agree with me that she is amazing!!!!

The Unseen, Unheard Deadly Illness

Throughout my life mental illness has played a very large role. I believe that depression runs in my genes, and it will always be a part of my life. Certain situations have provoked my depression and brought it to the surface. Elementary school was the first time I truly felt depressed. Feeling depressed was a unique and unwanted feeling that I knew was unnatural. All of the kids were able to converse and they were happy, while I stood there not knowing what to do. I speak of this not to get pity or sympathy but to demonstrate how mental illnesses can change lives at any age and to anyone. As I grew up, I discovered that I wasn’t the same as other kids. It took longer for me to understand ideas, and learn the material that was taught in school. My mother brought to my attention that my birth mother was an alcoholic and I have alcoholism in my genes. The alcoholism created a small but noticeable learning disability. She told me I need to be careful with alcohol and other substances because of my addictive personality. This shaped how I viewed the world and myself. Throughout high school my depression became more of an issue, I told my friends but they were also struggling so no one voiced the need for intervention. Mental illnesses are much more common than we all would like to think. While continuing to struggle with depression, I went to a concert that helped me reach out for help. Demi Lovato talked about her own struggles and how important it is to reach out for help when dealing with mental illnesses. It doesn’t make you weak, but strong to be able to say “I need help”. Just by giving a three minute speech she changed my life. The next couple of months were very scary. Luckily, I reached out for help and I am currently getting the help I need. Sadly, this is something that so many people are afraid to speak out about. I didn’t say anything for about 4-5 years because of the fear of judgement from my friends and family. I didn’t want to be looked at as attention seeking or weak. I still am quiet about this because I feel that there are good things in life and those are the things that should be talked about, not the depressing things. I know that I want to change lives and although hard to understand, I have a purpose and I can make a positive impact on this world. Mental illnesses effect so many, and we can all play a role to change the destiny of how this illness will effect so many. Watch Consumed (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

My story is one of millions from people who have struggled with a mental illness. Mental illness is defined as a medical condition that disrupts a person’s thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning. Serious mental illnesses include major depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and borderline personality disorder (NAMI). Mental illnesses do not discriminate; they can effect someone of any race, gender, and age. Sharing the important message like Demi shares at her concerts is important to demonstrate to others that mental illnesses are illnesses and the effect they can have on a daily basis. Some of our nations greatest leaders, inventors, and doers are struggling with mental illnesses. One of the nations greatest leaders, Abraham Lincoln struggled with depression. He successfully put an end to slavery but he was still a slave to his own thoughts of suicide. With the sudden passing of Robin Williams, it shows how such a successful, highly productive man can be struggling so much. Others such as Beethoven, Isaac Newton, J.K. Rowling, Health Ledger and Kurt Cobain also struggled with various mental illnesses. With so many struggling, where is the public interest on this issue? Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the United States, and the second leading cause of death for young people, between the ages of 15-24 (NAMI). Enough people have died to demonstrate that this is a deadly issue.

Mental illnesses have a tremendous impact on our society and our economy but very little is being done to stop this issue. With suicide killing roughly 40,000 people a year, the money raised for suicide awareness averages around $3.2 million. (CDC). Compared to Breast cancer, which kills roughly 41,000 people where as they raise about $257.85 million. We need to increase our investment in mental health significantly and we need to do it now. In 6 years depression will be the leading debilitating disease for women and children. Raising awareness about mental illnesses through education advocacy can set back this growing concern. Research shows the cost for mental illness prevention is greatly less than the cost of mental health treatment. Mental illnesses have cost the US economy roughly $148 Billion for all mental disorders (15). We have the ability to stop this issue by speaking up and talking about it, so let’s talk.

All mental illnesses, even the most severe cases, can be effectively treated. The earlier the treatment begins, the more effective it is. Most people diagnosed will experience relief after getting help. Folks with a mental illness report that a combination of treatments, services, and supports works best to support their recovery (NAMI.com). Treatments for medical illnesses
include medications, support groups, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and meeting with mental health professionals on a weekly/monthly basis. Medication is not an exact science, it can take weeks or even months to find the right medication/medications. Mental illnesses effect everyone differently therefore the approach for treatment can be different. Without treatment the consequences of mental illnesses are staggering. Unnecessary disability, unemployment, substance abuse, homelessness, and suicide can occur without proper help. Mood disorders, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, and personality disorders are known to overlap with drug or alcohol addiction (dualdiagnosis.org). Stopping the issue before it gets to that point is essential to reduce the risk of further issues.

Having a support group can help with the success of the mentally ill’s recovery. Some feel as though they cannot help their family member or friend who is struggling with a mental illness but that is inaccurate. Family and friends can be important influences to help someone, with both the treatment and services they need. Family and friends can be the ones to reach out and know that they are not alone. Family and friends can help them access mental health services and treatment. Family and friends can help learn and share the facts about mental health. Family and friends can most importantly refuse to define them by their diagnosis, or using the terms such as “crazy”. Friends and family play a very important role in the whole recovery process.

Depression is not selfish, anxiety is not rude, schizophrenia is not wrong. Mental illness isn’t self centered any more than a broken leg or the flu is self centered. Mental illness is a problem and its time to open our eyes and make a change. Prevention for mental illness cost us much less than treatment for mental illness. We need to speak up against the norm of this issue.
Our children’s health is in our hands, and we need to stop this. The care and treatment for mental illnesses is evolving to help meet the needs of the mentally ill. Doctors, social workers, and therapists are learning more of how to lead their clients to a successful recovery. Now it’s our time to play our role and advocate for the millions that are struggling on a daily basis.

In conclusion, mental illnesses are on the rise, but there are affirmative actions we can take to slow this problem down. It is a difficult and frightening topic to discuss but 100% necessary. Research shows that there is an extremely high success rate in recovery once you reach out for help. We must all open our eyes to the ones around us and lend a helping hand. The mentally ill are not crazy, insane, or hopeless. I have experienced mental illness first hand, and I can personally tell you they change your life. There are many good positive life lessons I have learned from struggling with depression. Some which are simple and easy to understand such as “ it is what it is”, I was born this way and I deal with the hand I’ve got. Others which are more complicated to understand which is “why me?”, but in the end it all evens out. There is good in the bad and bad in the good, thats how life works.

Sources

National Institutes of Health, National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Statistics: Any Disorder Among Adults. From http://www.nimh.nih.gov/statistics/1ANYDIS_ADULT.shtml

National Institutes of Health, National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.) The Numbers Count: Mental Disorders in America. From http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml

Prevalence numbers were calculated using NIMH percentages (cited) and 2010 Census data. Census data is available at: United States Census Bureau. (revised 2011). “USA [State & County QuickFacts].” From http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/00000.html

Stuart H (June 2003). “Violence and mental illness: an overview”. World Psychiatry

http://www.dualdiagnosis.org/mental-health-and-addiction/

http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/adolescent-health-topics/mental-health/states/oh.html#.VCq85r4-A6U

WHO-CHOICE (2003). (Page 15) Cost-effectiveness of interventions for reducing the burden of mental disorders: A global analysis (WHO-CHOICE). GPE Discussion Paper (prepared by Chisholm D), Geneva, World Health Organization

NAMI http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness

NAMI- http://www.nami.org/factsheets/mentalillness_factsheet.pdf

I don’t want to follow that with any of my own nonsense, all I want to say is….

Anya, you are amazing, you say I have helped you a lot, but you need to know you have helped me a massive amount with your kind comments, you have confirmed to me that there is a point to me and exboozehound. You will go on to help others, and this essay is just the start for you xx

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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