He we go again…. I’ve been struggling again recently with the noggin demons, anyone who knows me will know this already cus I’ve been isolating myself more and more. Problem is with isolating yourself more and more is that when it comes to unisolating (another made up word) again the simplest things become very difficult. For whatever reason, or many different reasons I find myself losing the battle against my demons, bloody strong, sneaky bastards at times ain’t they!!!! They’ve got a good strong hold and are giving me a proper kicking, I keep trying to go back to the little steps, one day at a time, etc but the Neanderthal in me still sees that as pathetic, in fact the Neanderthal in me could only use words like pathetic to describe me at the moment, but the more socially acceptable version of me knows words like this are unfair and completely untrue…. Although that doesn’t stop me believing them at the moment.
So today I’ve gone back to small steps, which is a world apart from how I tackled it all on Monday. Monday I spent the whole day in bed, which is basically just hiding, I woke up very slowly in the morning, which is something I’ve been struggling with for a few weeks now finding that energy to get out of bed, eventually I got up and immediately felt an overwhelming pressure on me that made me panic about what the day would bring…. I bottled it and went back to bed and hid away. I didn’t sleep all the way through like I did a couple of weeks ago I just lay there twitching oddly at times and beating myself up in my demon full noggin. There really was nothing I could do to find that energy to get out of bed, saying that may seem a bit pathetic but whilst you are in that world it is very very real. Tuesday I woke up about 11:30 and got out of bed about 12:30, I was still wallowing and was very close to just wanting to go back to bed until I got a text from a mate who said he was on his way round, every part of me wanted to tell him not to come round but I guess I knew I needed some sort of distraction to break this behaviour pattern. Wednesday (today) started with an appointment with my mental health worker, the appointment was a 9:30 (which sadly in itself is a bit of a challenge at the moment), we sat and talked for an hour and I left feeling more positive.
Michelle (my MH worker) helps me remember how far I’ve come from quite a serious breakdown (for the want of more medical words), she reminds me that I’m diagnosed with clinical depression and she also reminded me that I haven’t just concentrated on my own recovery having started this blog and got myself involved with various groups and organisations. At the moment I’ve had to pull away a bit from some of the things I’d committed to purely to allow me to look after myself and ensure I don’t end up down the bottom of the totally dolallytap cul-de-sac.
Even though I am struggling with things and the demons are currently very strong and if I’m honest beating me at the moment “totally dolallytap cul-de-sac” is not a destination on my planned route of recovery. No matter how bonkers, frustrated, desperate, confused, upset, emotional, mad I feel I still know I will come out of this and will hopefully come out of it stronger cus each time I blip I also learn. I’m not sure what I have learnt this time, I’m not sure I could ever pinpoint the things I learn from the blips but even if it is just that the demons can win at times but can’t beat me for any significant periods of time and indeed the demons will never ever beat me completely, that’ll do for me….
At the moment I can only really see the negatives of life, but I know there are many positives kicking around as well and I know sooner or later I will see more of the positives than the negatives….
Again, this is not a “woe is me”, “please feel sorry for me”, it’s meant to be positive. Monday I spent all day in bed hiding and Wednesday I’ve done a number of very small things that with a bit of luck I will build on tomorrow, but let’s not worry about tomorrow yet, today is still here.
“Every journey begins with a single step”
“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download
Keep going 😉
Jon aka exboozehound
Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)
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