I haven’t wrote anything for the blog for a while, I’ve tried lots of times but just can’t seem to get the usual shite flowing…. So far this year has been shite, I’ve been pretty low, very tired and struggling on a daily basis. Fortunately I see my mental health worker on a regular basis and she keeps me plodding along reminding me how far I’ve come forward from the real dark days.
At the end of last year I was getting involved in loads of things, this year everything I’ve tried to get involved with has made me feel un well and f’ing useless, I’ve spent a lot of time hiding away and feeling sorry for myself. I don’t know why this year has started so badly and I try not to worry about why. Talking with my mental health worker we have come to some possible conclusions and basically they are just things that would probably get a “normal” a bit down but as I’m not a “normal” they have lead me finding life difficult. This week I’ve gone a little dolallytap, I hit a real low which lead to an awful lot of pacing backwards and forwards, rocking like a nutter and oddly sitting on the floor at the end of my bed with a dressing gown over my head (NUTTER!) which then lead to me lying on my bedroom floor in a ball…. I’m sure you will agree this is not the behaviour of a “normal” and is indeed the behaviour of a raving fucking loony!!!!
I’m a little bit more relaxed today but I’m still doing a lot of pacing, I’m afraid to leave the house, I can’t talk without stuttering, I don’t seem to have control of my mind, body and soul, I feel like I could sleep for a week and I’m already struggling to concentrate on this post.
While I was sitting on the floor with a dressing gown over my head I was crying uncontrollably, one of the main things that was going through my mind was that I’m never going to be able to cope with real life again. Fortunately the day all this happened I was due to see my mental health worker and I told her this along with things like “I can’t take this struggle anymore” “I want to be able to enjoy life” “it’s too hard” “I’m 41 and I’ve got nothing”…. All these things were said whilst crying that much that she had to fetch me tissues…. I’m not ashamed of crying (well maybe a little bit) I’m not ashamed of all the BOLLOX that was poring out of me, I am pissed off with myself that I’m feeling so sorry for myself and I’m very pissed off that I just don’t seem to be able to cope with real life. But, if I could just pull myself together I would of done that years ago, no one would choose to live like this cus at times its fucking horrendous and it is easy to understand why people with mental health problems take there own lives…. But I will not ever take mine cus I will never let my bastard demons win and neither should you.
I think I’ve been as low as I’m ever going to go and I came back from it, if I ever do go any lower I will always know I can come back from it, coming back from it will always be hard, it will always be painful and may take a few months but it will always be worth the effort. The next time I feel good I’m gunna make sure I cherish it and make the most of it, I will never again get complacent about things going strangely well and I will ensure that I believe in my motto 100%: –
I’m currently very angry about life and my mental illness so I think it is time to bring back something I wrote a long time back:-
The harder life gets the better the feeling of achievement for beating the demons will be…. Hopefully!!!!
Not a very good post I know, just honest about the pain….
Keep going 😉
Jon aka exboozehound
Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)