Still Finding Me – Guest Post

Hi all,  today we have another guest post and like all the guest posts before it’s extremely powerful, not only in the words but usually guest posts are the first time people step out and say “this is me, my story” that’s very very powerful in itself.

I know 100% that this guest post will help many people….

Still Finding Me

I was such a happy daughter until my teens. I knew something was different inside me, I grew up & became a mother myself but still felt different. It was then that I would eventually find out.

10yrs ago MH, Panic Attacks, Paranoia…….the voice inside started….. The voice was the Devil “HE “Gave me 1 choice.. To end my life & only then would “HE” end all suffering my family had.

I kept screaming No, No, trying to stop The voice, trying to drown it out but it was always the same, 1 choice.

First I was taken from my family to a hospital, psychiatrist ward. As I walked through the door I was a daughter to my parents, I was a mother to my kids. Confusion overwhelmed me. The MH and all kicked in so quickly

Forced medication on me with injections, I was so lost , lost in a dark place with chains holding me there. Begging anyone who said they would help me, telling them I was a prisoner in this dark place…… but paranoia hit me … I then believed they were helping him , drugging me.

I was there for 3 months, it doesn’t sound long when writing but it felt like yrs, suddenly I’m then diagnosed with Bipolar, Gave me a cocktail of medication and then the day arrived I was going back to my family…..

But as I walked out I walked out someone else, someone I never knew no longer the happy daughter , happy mum I was, but someone else MH had changed me, and still the devil wanted my soul “HE” kept telling what I had to do …. every day…. so many failed suicide attempts and now he was angry.

My parents there health got bad.

When for the first time in years revealed who “ HE” was to my psychiatrist who looked at me like I was mad.

Mad ….. I’ve got MH Bipolar, the Devil within me, and still no one believed me.

10yrs on he never won , apart from taking the happy daughter I once was , & happy mum for my kids.

MH changed my life, every day is a different battle but the women I am today will find myself eventually.

I may have bipolar but bipolar doesn’t have me

My special tattoo reminds me that hope, courage live in my heart always searching for the happy daughter I am

Play……. The Moments
Pause…..The Memories
Stop……. The Pain
Rewind….The Happiness

I found the courage to write my story, something I’ve never done.

For An Amazing Inspiring Man, reaches out to so many of us , his inspiration and courage touched my heart & soul , because I’m now 1 step away from from finding myself, the happy daughter .

Hi, exboozehound again…. I think you’ll agree with my one word sum up…. “Wow”

This is a little awkward but I believe “An Amazing Inspiring Man” is me…. This makes me very proud of who I’ve become since my mental breakdown in 2013, very proud!!

To see the last sentence of this powerful guest post….

“because I’m now 1 step away from from finding myself, the happy daughter” 

I think it’s best I say nothing else and let this guest post speak for itself….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Check out the new page on the blog “Stuff”

Mr Benn explains Multispecialty Community Providers

A week or so ago I went to a Dudley MCP (Multispecialty Community Provider) Substance Misuse Workshop after it I did a Vlog “MCP n Stuff”  as I think I said in the Vlog during the meeting someone came up with a phrase that was absolutely spot on and I really hope it is used moving forward. Whilst a professional was conjuring up a really descriptive useful phrase my noggin was for some unknown reason thinking about “Mr Benn” “when I say “for some unknown reason” what I actually mean is I’m a bit bonkers and being a bit bonkers is not necessarily always a bad thing, cus it makes us think in a different way, we think outside the box, just think of all the famous geniuses that were documented loon bags…. No need to say more….

We will obviously come back to the Dudley CCG/NHS nonsense, now is where I try very hard to find a way to make this Mr Benn Multispecialty Community Provider analogy work…. You may have to give me a certain bit of artistic licence in this….

Mr Benn – Gladiator

….”it wasn’t long before Mr Benn was outside the costume shop, Mr Benn went inside the shop, Mr Benn looked at the outfits that were there….” (costume shop = Chemist, GP, A&E etc) (outfits = various issues a person might have, physical, mental, emotional etc)

….”Suddenly, as if by magic the shop keeper appeared….’Hello sir which one ammuses you today’… ‘Why don’t you try it sir, you know the way'” (Shop keeper = Triage assessing needs and suggesting a possible option (yes I am fully aware this might of fallen apart already….)”

….”Mr Benn took the outfit and went through the door into the changing room….” (Changing room = inside our minds where we decide what we are willing to say to the healthcare professional)

….”Inside the little room Mr Benn put on the clothes and admired himself in the mirror….” (Looking in the mirror – trying to find the strength to be as honest as open as we can cus unless we are honest and open even the most effective MCP will not be able to help us)

….”Then he went through the second door, not the door back to the shop but the door that went…. Where this time he wondered….” (This is where my Mr Benn analogy is clever (well, sort of….) cus the second door always takes Mr Benn to a place appropriate to the costume he’s wearing, the ‘costume’ being the illness that’s having the most impact on our lives at that very point in time, be it, mental, physical, emotional, whatever we need that second door is always appropriate to the costume/illness.)

Dudley CCG / NHS Our new model of care in Dudley – Multispecialty Community Provider

 

 

 

Reference/research material used:-

“Mr Benn – Gladiator”  (watched numerous times)

Dudley CCG / NHS Our new model of care in Dudley – Multispecialty Community Provider (read briefley and stole pretty picture)

Right…. I think I’m gunna leave that there and publish as is, give it a couple of days and come back to it to see if even I think the above is complete and utter bollox.

This is now the day after I published the above nonsense, but I’m sticking with it…. It makes sense to me…. I think….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

 

Thoughts and Thinking

Hi…. I don’t write a lot these days, I started Vlogging and found it to be a better medium to get across my honest, open and some times distressing experiences of mental health and addiction issues…. Also to Vlog all I do is talk from 5 to 10 minutes then bang it on YouTube so it’s all over in 15 minutes (who was that who shouted lazy git? Cus your spot on….)

I have a feeling this blog is gunna be a complete and utter smorgasbord…. (no I don’t really know what that means either but oddly it was the word that popped in my mind so let’s run with it….) …. a complete and utter smorgasbord of rambling, nonsensical nonsense, for eg….

My first thoughts on the title of this blog are….

What complete moron decided that thought should be spelt thought? Idiot….

And

For reasons I may or may not explain at some point during this post I’m also not happy with the word thinking so I’m gunna change it to thunking….

(Hi Bell just so you know I think this post could be as frustrating as following the book, sorry….)

So the actual title of this post now becomes

Thorts and Thunking

Going back to how less time consuming the Vlogs are, after I decided I was gunna write a blog today there we certain things I decided I MUST start with, and now I can’t remember them, they may come back to me as I continue to waffle on….

Has anyone got the impression yet that I’m not really in control of my noggin and its thort pattern? Good!!!! I want you to feel that and trust me it’s only gunna get worse as we move further into this post….

One of the things I did want to mention early on is something I really don’t want to say but it has to be said, since I started the blog back in 2013 one of the many positive things I’ve gotten out of it is having direct contact with individuals getting in touch to say I’ve helped them in some way, inspired them to keep fighting, helped them understand their or their loved ones illness and many other amazing things like that. Currently I have on my phone lock screen a message that I haven’t shared before but it’s perfect to help me explain what I’m trying to say, the message includes the words….

“Your blogs & Vlogs reach so many of us and give us inspiration we once lost…. I am one of those people….”

Words like the above genuinely keep me going, however something that happened over the Christmas period got close to me cutting off all direct contact options. On Christmas Day I had a great day at my brothers house, he and his good lady wife put on a pretty spectacular day, although I’m deep inside the Bah hum bug camp I genuinely enjoyed the day and felt relaxed for most of it, cus I wanted to enjoy it I left my mobile at home. When I got back home I had a series of Direct Messages on Facebook, starting with “Jon I NEED your help!!!!!!!” Keeping in mind this is Christmas Day and I tell everyone that I’m not your crisis contact as I have to look after myself first, obviously as I didn’t have my phone on me I couldn’t answer this message, over a period of a couple of hours there were a number of more messages, distressing messages, ending with “Thanks for nothing, you won’t hear from me again”. I’m not breaking any confidences by talking about these messages as I’m not giving any details about the person that sent them, so from having a good Christmas Day to then coming back to see these Direct Messages on Facebook you can imagine the day took quite a negative turn.

On a fairly regular basis I will receive messages from people seeking my help and advice, firstly NOTHING I ever say is advice, I may make suggestions or give my opinion but it’s NEVER ADVICE, it can’t be seen as advice cus if something goes horribly wrong I need to know that those I’m speaking with understand this, this is my safety mechanism to protect myself.

Often the messages I receive will be on an evening, sometimes I will reply but quite often I am unable to as I’m trying to wind down and stay off social media so I can get some kip that night.

Often the messages I receive will be at the weekend, sometimes I will reply but quite often I am unable to as I’m trying to wind down at the weekend having been to various meetings and groups etc during the week and needing to rest to be able to be able to function again on Monday.

Often the messages I receive will be during the day, sometimes I will reply but quite often I am unable to as I’m busy doing something else for myself or for others.

I hate that I’m writing what I’m writing but the Christmas Day incident was the straw that broke the camels back I have received too many borderline abusive messages, what I do as exboozehound has many many plus sides, I love that I’ve made some great friends via social media and that I’ve helped people with my approach based around not being ashamed to be a mentally ill retired alcoholic. What I need people to remember is I’m still just me, one man, I am extremely proud of the number of followers I have on Twitter and even more proud that quite a few of those followers I have interacted with on a regular basis over the last few years, I’m extremely proud that this blog has been a success and is still going strong and getting a decent number of visits a week, I’m again extremely proud that my Vlogs have been viewed over 4000 times, fortunately these days I am able to pat myself on the back and say I’m proud of everything I’ve achieved as exboozehound, unfortunately cus of these achievements I’m no longer able to keep up with everything. Currently I have Direct Messages on Twitter over a week old this is for various reasons and in part cus of the Christmas Day messages I’ve got what I can only describe as social media anxiety, I’m logging onto Twitter, Facebook etc posting my posts and logging straight back out, I’m actually afraid to stay logged in in case I get involved in a conversation I haven’t got time for or more likely at the moment haven’t got the mental capacity to handle the conversation.

Typing the above has actually made me quite sad but I have to admit and accept I can’t keep up with everything and I don’t want to get to the stage where I have to cut off direct contact options.

Another reason for wanting to do a blog post is I want to start something and complete it, my noggin doesn’t seem connected to anything, there’s appears to be 1000’s of thorts spinning around my head and I can’t pin a single one of them down. Ive been trying to find the right phrase to sum it up, the best I can come up with is “my noggin seems to be in No mans land” it’s running backwards and forward unable to decide which trench to head towards. Not sure if this will make sense but you know if you get a cut or a bruise somewhere you are more aware of that part of your body, you always know all you bits and pieces are there but now even more so, my noggin is like that, obviously I always know it’s always there but cus there’s 1000’s of thorts bouncing around I’m aware of my noggin even more…. (Does that make any sense??). Another example I came up with is you know that really annoying feeling you get when someone asks you “what’s the name of that actor in that film….?” Without the power of Google and not being able to recall the name even though you’ve got a picture of them in your mind, you get more and more frustrated that you can’t remember the name, then you keep coming up with the same wrong name over and over again, think of how that feels and multiply the feeling by at least 10….

So far I’ve failed at wanting to start something and complete it cus I started this post on Thursday afternoon, it’s now Friday evening and there’s no way my concentration is gunna stick with me long enough for me to compete this today….

Hopefully once I have completed this I will be able to find some proper levels of concentration to catch up on social media and then emails….

So as I said I started this blog on Thursday and it’s now Saturday afternoon, I think it’s fair to say I’ve lost any momentum there was driving me to write this blog, however part of the reason I’ve lost that momentum is my noggin is a lot calmer. I am gunna finish and post this blog one way or another even if it has no relevance whatsoever to anyone, selfishly in part writing this blog is why my noggin is calmer.

This morning I was aware that it was important to me to keep going with this blog so I asked my noggin if this was gunna be possible and the answer was a No!!!! However I then logged into YouTube and selected a Linkin park video and it reinspired me, as you know the title of this blog is “Thorts and Thunking” my origanal aim was to discuss how being overwhelmed by what seems to be a 1000 thorts at a time can leave you unable to concentrate for more than 3.5 seconds and unable to function at all. Something I’ve said many times is “whatever I’m doing I often feel there are 2 or 3 other things I should be doing” this is classic mentalist behaviour, even if the thing you were doing is amazingly positive and productive you’ve still failed cus you haven’t done the other 2 or 3 things….

The Linkin Park video that I put on first was Heavy – Linkin Park ft. Kiiara  I’ve given you the link to a lyrics version of the track so you can listen and also see the lyrics, I find this track very powerful like I do with many Linkin Park tracks. Up to this point I’ve written 1808 words under the title of “Thorts and Thunking” I’ve written those words across 3 days and Linkin Park nail it in under 3 minutes…. I’m not gunna go through all the lyrics but I am gunna look at one line in particular….

“I don’t like my mind right now, stacking up problems that are so unnecessary….”

I think the less said the better, really take time to consider the line above and definitely follow the link to YouTube pretty much every lyric hits the proverbial nail on the head!!!!

I know there was so much more I wanted to say in the blog when I started it but I’m gunna end it there cus I really want you to consider the lyric above and watch and listen to the track and consider the words carefully….

One more line to prick your interest further….

“And I drive myself crazy thunking everything’s about me, Yeah I drive myself crazy cus I can’t escape the gravity….”

Checkout a page on the blog I’m extremely proud of “I Likes It” 

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“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound