I have realised today I’m not as stable as I thought, if i’m honest I have been slowly realising this over the last few days. I went to a meeting this week, the presentation given was titled “Adult Social Care Budget Engagement – What’s Important to You?” it may not sound very interesting but it was. There weren’t many people there and as usual I think I had the most to say, most of it negative or as we say in sales “constructive criticism” . However I have been in touch with one of the guys who gave the presentation and they appear to be interested in my feedback, even though I said things like “Your websites are pathetic” and “The government don’t want to fix the NHS it’s not in their interest it’s too expensive and they want to get rid”. After this meeting I was not well and in the meeting I could feel my twitching and buzzing head coming on, hard work but hopefully worth it. I didn’t start realising anything at this point.
On Friday I met with a friend for a McDonald’sÂ (other eating establishments are available, but just in case I can get some free stuff… Excellent food, excellent service, would recommend)Â we sat and talked about various stuff and I started to notice I was talking at 100 mph and feeling a bit manic. I started to get a bit stressed and thinking people where watching me thinking “Nutter”. Strangely I can’t remember Saturday…… Hey ho “it is what is is”.
Today has been a strange one and as at about 23:00 I had decided I need to put myself in hospital, I just want to be dosed up and out of it for a while to get some peace. However i’m pretty sure they wont hospitalise me unless i’m a danger to myself or others…. The problem is I’m not a danger to others (never have been never will be) and even through all the pain of the last couple of days i’m still not a danger to myself. I could lie and say I am, but I don’t lie anymore it is now my policy that if I can’t be honest I don’t say anything. I need to say at this point if you are reading this and you think this is your fault, IT ISN’T!! “it is what it is” remember “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” and “Guilt is a waste of energy”…. If I didn’t want to help I wouldn’t have I would of just left you to it, if anything you have helped me realise I need to reevaluate and re-plan…. So I helped you and you helped me… End of!!Â
I have written two poems in the last couple of days, one of them is pretty private and very important to me and the other one I posted on Face Book earlier, there are a lot of *’s!!!! You need to know an old song called “Santa Claus You C**T” to know the rhythm (?) of the words, they fit to this tune (just about): –
A poem by exboozehound entitled “Hey Depression You C**T”
Hey Depression you c**t
Were still in a fucking fight
You tried to take my life from me but you’re a fu**ing pussy shite
Yes you had a proper go and you’re still fu**ing with my mind
But you aint got a fu**ing chance cus you’re a fu**ing pussy shite
You’ve took my house, my job, my cash but you are gunna find
I’m stronger than you you c**t
And i’m gunna be just fine
Yes you you c**t you’ve lost the fight
Have you got the message yet
You’re a fu**ing pussy shite!!
Ok….. it’s not Shakespeare, and I couldn’t make the last bit fit as it should, but I think it has certain qualities (??). I thought I felt alright this morning, I was speaking with someone on Face Book they asked “are you struggling today?” and I replied “not really, bit weird but im on top form for a loon bag 🙂 x”. I don’t think they believed me, I believed me. Reading it back I no longer believe me because very soon after that I began to mis-behave….. I thought my poem (if that’s an accurate word?) was positive, I’m now unsure…. I’m not going to worry about that cus as we all know by now “it is what it is”.
At about 20:30 tonight I posted another fairly telling thing on Face Book and I pasted a link to this post into comments on the Face Book pages of Jeremy Hunt, Norman Lamb, David Cameron and Ed Miliband, yup I kid you not :-/, I also emailed the link to two of Norman Lamb’s people, yes two :-/. But you know what I don’t regret it, maybe I will at some point but at the moment I stand by my post 100%: –
It didn’t end there, there were also a number of other tweets, below are a couple of the better ones: –
I think we can probably agree i’m not as stable as I thought. I have been a bit of a mad man over the last couple of days. I’m not ashamed and I wont feel guilty because they are pointless wastes of energy, yes I’m not happy if I have upset or worried anyone but they know I don’t mean any harm. A few weeks ago I was a danger to myself, now i’m not and I can prove it, I will tell you a little secret…. Today I went to Asda and I parked on the top floor, when I got out of the car I smiled and said “fuck you” (I was speaking to the car park, Oof! probably shouldn’t admit that!). I did a little bit of shopping then got in the lift to go back to the top floor, as I got out of the lift I put on my Ray-Ban’s (any free stuff would be most welcome, there really isn’t any other sunglasses worth wearing!) lit a cigarette and walked around the whole perimeter of the top floor, smiling like a loon. I used to poo my pants up there it really worried me, but now I was laughing at the place it no longer holds any fear for me…… :).
So, we know I could be a little more stable but we also know I have come a long way…. is my poem positive or negative? Who knows but one bit that I know is positive is: –
You’ve took my house, my job, my cash but you are gunna find
I’m stronger than you you c**t
And i’m gunna be just fine
Yes you you c**t you’ve lost the fight
Please continue with me on my journey, I am proof that it does get better, you can cope, you will continue to cope, you are strong enough, you are worth it, people love you, people want you to get better, people want you to be happy, you will find happiness (perhaps not all the time, but keep a note of the “gem” moments they will mount up), yes you will have wobbles and bad times but all you have to do is keep adapting, be honest with yourself and the people around you, it’s pretty simple really just…….
“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”
Now, what was I gunna do next, oh yes bring down the government…..
Keep Smiling 🙂Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)
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G’day all, hope you are all well? I’m going to try to make this post more of a question, that’s the plan anyway. If you have been reading this blog and the comments you will be familiar with a guy called Alex, in one comment he said something along the lines of “I hate you blog sometimes because it makes me think” with that comment he basically hit the nail on the head. I often think too much and have said on many occasions “Thinking is Overrated”. The problem with thinking sometimes is it spirals out of control and drives you bonkers, but I started this blog because someone else got me thinking again, thinking in a different way. He thought very similar things to me which made me think “I am not as mad as a bucket of frogs, other people think like me, I am just unwell”. So I thought, I wonder if my thoughts could help others (and selfishly, me of course!), and from feedback I have had my thoughts and feelings do help others, so I am chuffed to bits!!! Maybe delusional thinking but…. Have I found my purpose??
Anyway, back to the question. I got an email yesterday from someone who has helped me in a major way during my “I’ve gone bonkers” period, part of that email went like this: –
“The manic thingy was quite normal for where you are at the moment. Feeling â€œokâ€ currently is a very fragile emotion currently. I wonâ€™t stop challenging you though, as you will be able to see how things are going. It will NEVER be a problem for me if it doesnâ€™t work out. I know what great effort you are making.”
Oof!…… Has it got you thinking? Got me thinking straight away…..
“”OK” currently is a VERY FRAGILE EMOTION”
Oof!….. Here’s what i’m thinking, “OK” is perhaps the most tricky part of the recovery process, when you’re in the “pit of doom” you are in bed because you physically cant get out and if you do manage to drag yourself out of bed the whole day doesn’t really happen. When you’re feeling good it’s good but a bit of an alien feeling. When you’re feeling “OK” the up’s and down’s can happen many times a day and many times an hour, that’s tiring, that’s fucking hard work!
Now lets look at the last part: –
“It will NEVER be a problem for me if it doesnâ€™t work out. I know what great effort you are making.”
That’s the sort of support I need, that’s the sort of support you should be trying to give to your loved ones because if they are still fighting, believe me they are making a great effort every day!! I am very lucky as I have so much support from family, friends (old and new), colleagues, Facebooker’s, Twitter’ers and of course you guys who take the time to comment on here. I am very lucky because my support team give me understanding and don’t judge me, maybe there are some in my support team that think Mental Illness is just in the mind and I should just pull myself together and have a good holiday, I can understand that as I have said before many times “I am a Neanderthal with depression, if I hadn’t experienced it I would be one of those idiots that says just pull yourself together”.
So a few questions to other peoples support teams: –
Are you giving that sort of support?
Are you helping rather than hindering?
Are you keeping your outdated, shite views to yourself?
Are you going to understand that your loved one isn’t making shit up?
If they had broken a leg would you think it was soft to have it plastered and they should just man up?
And one question to those who are fighting hard on a daily basis: –
Is “OK” ok or a fragile emotion that requires an awful lot of effort?
Keep Smiling 🙂
One more questions, does any of the above make any sense at all??
At the end of 6th January 2014 I posted on Facebook “Well 6th January 2014….. It’s been emotional… Bring on the next one and we will have another go” It was a strange day….. It started with a Rethink meeting called “Coffee and Cope” (every time I tell anyone that they hear the word Cope as Coke, it’s my Yamyam/Brummy accent :)), it was a good meeting. The last couple of meetings I have come away a little stressed and manic but Monday’s meeting was good. In the afternoon I went to a meeting that will change my future quite a lot, I wont say what the meeting was about until it is all official but the outcome is life changing, in both a bad and good way…. (?). Life changing moments bad and good can be huge triggers for me I never know if I am going to spiral out of control, but I didn’t :). The motorway journey was cool and there were no thoughts of sticking the car into the barrier, which may sound odd but it is a huge thing for me :). Â (Suicidal Thoughts, gunna speak about them in a bit). If i’m honest, and unfortunately I am, it doesn’t even have to be life changing moments that can trigger a spiral it can be as simple as changing plans….. Changing plans happen all the time and now I cope with them, partly because of “it is what is is”, nothing in life is guaranteed, now I know that there aint no stopping me…..Movie Fifty Shades Darker (2017)
I had a therapy session yesterday and it went really well it is leading up to a therapy called Mindfulness, anyway one of the sentences I came out with was along the lines of “I have loads of coping mechanisms but I now know I can’t trust or rely on any of them completely”. I think this is a realistic approach because if you rely on one specific thing and it doesn’t work then you will spiral out of control….. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!!! I try all my different things and if none of them work I stop trying and save my energy…. “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”. We have all had those times when we “Know” it’s never going to get better and we have survived them and been proved very wrong, we may all have those times again, but that’s cool we actually do “Know” we can survive them and it will get better!!!!
My Mom said to me yesterday “I think we both knew this would happen one day” she was talking about me finally breaking and she is right, I knew it would happen one day and although it has been horrendous at times I am actually happy it has now happened. The daily struggle of keeping going is fucking hard work and in the end is what destroyed me but now I have the opportunity to rebuild. Starting again at 40 seems a bit scary at times and I am sure it will have it’s ups and downs but whats the alternative? Answer, There ain’t one… I hope people don’t mind me saying this… Just look at our Military coming home with massive physical and emotional scars, those men and women are inspirational, if we can follow there example we can’t go wrong. I’ve just read some bad news about the ex-servicemen in the Dakar Rally, I think these are the guys that were on Top Gear, when I watched that episode I got close to tears but when Richard Hammond was speaking with them talking about there injuries and what they got up to in hospital it was amazing, those guys are amazing and massively inspirational!! I know I have gone off on a bit of a tangent but what could be more inspirational than these men and women? Answer, Nothing!
As an aside my Mom also informed me I have been spelling “Soba” wrong it should be “Sober”…… D’oh!!Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download
Ok, lets talk about Suicidal Thoughts, it’s not a nice subject but it is a real subject. I don’t have them these days which is awesome, in part I think these are no longer an issue for me because I talked about them on here, with family, with friends and even with work colleagues….. Why not, they are a matter of fact and if we don’t talk about them they will not go away. Suicidal thoughts are not rational, they make no sense but they exist and they are very real, they have to be addressed. Please don’t keep suicidal thoughts to yourself, yes they will upset people but they are probably upset anyway because they don’t like to see you feeling so unwell and feel they can’t do anything to help. If you can’t speak to family or friends tell your GP or a local Mental Health charity or the Samaritans, there are options please use one of them!!!
A little bit about your family and friends being upset seeing you unwell, my guess is you are feeling guilty about the pressure you are putting on them….. well don’t!!!!! Simple as that!!! You didn’t ask for your illness, you didn’t do anything to make your illness happen it just happened and is happening. Don’t waste your energy on guilt you need your energy to battle the big stuff. If they didn’t want to help they wouldn’t and if it was the other way around you know you would want to help them and would be horrified if they felt guilty receiving your help.
As usual this post ended up being something it wasn’t going to be in the first place, but I think that is good it’s just the ramblings of a strange man with an illness that is getting better. I hope you got something from it?
I’m also a philosopher (nope didn’t I spell that right at the first attempt!) I posted this on FB just after midnight recently: –
It is now tomorrow so today (yesterday) is gone, tomorrow (today) is a new start and the day after today (tomorrow) matters when today (tomorrow) has gone…. Life’s simple reallyÂ ?
Keep Smiling ?
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I felt an overwhelming urge to post something today I didn’t know what then from nowhere the phrase “Mind, Body and Soul” popped into my noggin, so I decided to Google exactly what this phrase means….. None of the explanations work for me, plus I have the concentration power of a biscuit so I couldn’t be arsed to read them.
I think the “Mind Body and Soul” phrase came from my subconscious mind (I know a bit about this these days as I have downloaded so many hypnosis sleep App’s!!!). I am pretty sure my mental health and previous booze issues have taken My Mind, My Body and My Soul poked at them for many years and then decided to smash them to bits last year………. I was broken……… Now it is time to rebuild and the rebuild has begun. The builders I am using have been messing me about a bit so I have sacked the foreman and employed another, he is a bit wet behind the ears and new to the job but there is something about him, he has passion, he has determination, he has fight and he seems to have the abilities of a Weeble………….. Â Â Â (Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down).
So, a while a go I read a memoir by a guy called Danny BakerÂ I have mentioned him a couple of times before, some people find him too positive, I do sometimes, but there is something about him. I have tweeted him on Twitter and told him he helped switch back on my fight with his memoir. I have mentioned on this blog before that my recovery is a changing thing something will help for a while and then it begins to hinder so I have to find a different approach. I talk a lot about “Having Fight”, with no fight mental health will destroy you, your mind will keep telling you stuff that hurts and when it finds the right thing to hurt you it will batter you with it constantly, when you get used to that and it no longer bothers you your mind will find something else and start to batter you again. I talk a lot about “Battle” pretty much the same thing, you have to “Fight and Battle” to get your daily wins, sometimes you have to “Fight and Battle” just to get out of bed and have a shower. Who are the best people at Fighting and Battling?………. The Military, and of course the British Military are the best of the best.
I am my own soldier in my own war of the noggin, but mental health doesn’t just effect the mind it takes the whole of you, beats the shit out of you and then dumps you in a pile of shit and carries on laughing and poking and kicking you around the floor…..
Mental Health Destroy’s Your Mind, Body and Soul…
We have all seen the military films, there is always one recruit who fucks up and gets all the punishments but they always turn out to be the best recruit (Light bulb moment?). I have heard this said before and I have just Googled it and Google is never wrong, Google is your friend….
Essentially they are breaking down your civilian attitude and building you into a soldier.
Essentially it breaks you down (Mind, Body and Soul) and you have to rebuild yourself.
A friend recently sent me a message on Facebook and suggested I should listen to a song and the chorus goes like this…..
In my recovery,Â Iâ€™m a soldier at war,Â I have broken down walls,Â I defined,Â I designed,Â My recovery……..
Keep Smiling 🙂
2013 is over (talk about stating the obvious!)
2014 is here (FFS Jon your intelligence is on fire today dude!)
So what is 2014 going to bring?….. if you read a recent post my answer to that has a lot of swear words in so I will make it a little more pleasant……. I don’t know and don’t really care……. I do care but I will be taking it as it comes, day by day as much as I possibly can and get me a collection of Daily Wins….. hopefully!!
One of the first things I have to do is fill out lots of crappy forms to ensure I can receive my Â£71.70 per week, yup 1st January 2014 is the day I am officially receiving benefits, previously this would of bothered me a lot!!! I have always worked and over the last few years it has been based around sales in different guises. I have been made redundant a number of times, one time was after 7 days of starting with the company but I always just walked into another job, the reason for this is I am bloody good at what I do, Â give me a target and I will smash it. The only target I struggled with is the volume one, but look at any of my figures and you will see volume is not important, quality counts and I brought quality. Hopefully one day telesales companies will realise they have to take the risk, reduce the volume targets and reap the benefits of quality!!!!!!!
The next thing I want to do is get a couple of tattoos, I’ve been banging on about getting a sleeve for a long time, but I can’t afford that at the moment….. I was going to base it around “bad comes good” on my forearm was going to be my “pit of doom” with the “demons” climbing out, I want the demons on my forearm so I could keep an eye on the little bastards at all times. Moving up the arm to a Smile Now Cry Later image, cus this sums up my life for the last 10 years, I don’t think that needs explaining? I would say moving to the “Bicep” area but I need to get me some of them bad boys first so I will just say the top of the arm was going to include lots of good things…. possibly “12 Steps” with the first step being a bright colour to signify that I have got “Step 1”, sobriety symbol, a butterfly (not very manly but very significant!) and a bit of a sunset to signify a new day? A few mansell’isms as well (words I have nicked to make me look thoughtful and deep). The tattoos I have decided on are just going to symbolise “now” and past significant dates. (possibly a stick man???)
After those things I don’t really know what is next (that is a lie but I have to keep a few things to myself).
Doing this blog has been amazing for me, I hope it has helped others as well, I know it has because some of you have told me so, but I also have to bear in mind it has probably damaged a few things for me as well!! My future job prospects and my future relationships being a couple of things that will of been damaged, who is going to want to take the risk to employ or get close to a Mentalist (I know words like that are not good for some people but it is how I cope with it, sorry). I have 2 illnesses…. “Alcoholism” yes in February I will be 11 years soba, but I am still an alcoholic, always have been and always will be, and “Mental”. Both are scary things to normal folk but I can state now for the record: –
Yup, I have issues but I am one of the most decent people you are ever likely to meet, loyal, honest, hard working, giving and of course incredibly handsome, maybe even beautiful!! 🙂
I know, Â what a tosser eh! “hey ho” “it is what it is” & “that’s it really”
“that’s it really” is not a mansell’ism, it may become one? I have definitely stolen that one from someone. Unfortunately I didn’t know her for long, I met her through a Mental Health charity called Rethink (look them up, they do good stuff!). The last time I saw her she was really excited about Christmas, she gave me a Christmas card which I now have in a clip frame, she made me promise I would go to my brothers for Christmas day because she didn’t want me to be on my own. I found out on Monday that she had died, before Christmas. We got on instantly, I recongnised her from the area, probably for the wrong reasons. I don’t like putting it like that but I am just being honest, i’m not going to explain, but I got to know her a bit and as Danny Dyer would say “she waz a facking diamond”. During one meeting I was worried I had upset her a bit, but eventually she turned around and said things like “i’m starting to like you, you’re a cheeky one aren’t you”, “you’re trouble aren’t you?”, “you make me laugh, you’re funny”. One day I noticed she hadn’t brought a drink, she was obviously skint so I purchased her a Coke and she didn’t stop saying thank you, that for me, maybe selfishly, is a “gem” moment in my life :). I hope she was as happy as she seemed at the end, looking forward to watching her new DVD (The Croods), looking forward to Christmas and spending time with her family and especially spending more time with her sister and her nephews. I’m going to miss her at our meetings on a Monday……………….. RIP xxx
So….. Bring it on then 2014, your brother, 2013, kicked the shit out of me but I am still standing, your brother kicked the shit out of many people but they are still standing. 2014 you ain’t got nothing that I and others cant deal with, there will be things you bring that will knock us about a bit, but we will come back at you again and again and everyday day we will kick the shit out of you!!
Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down…..
Happy New Year everyone.
Keep smiling 🙂