Are You Winning?

I Tweeted this today and I wonder if other people feel the same about the daily battle with or without Mental Illness?

UntitledAlthough I keep winning the daily battle and will keep on winning, it is very tiring and very painful. I know I am winning because for a short while now the only suicidal thoughts I have had is that i’m not having suicidal thoughts. πŸ™‚ There are other intrusive thoughts in my head from time to time but not the big ones. I’ve  been thinking for a while I can’t wait until 2013 is out of the way because it’s been a pretty shite year, but I realised last night this could be a dangerous way to think….. lets face it nothing is going to change over night just like that, the only way it will change over night is through our own thoughts and the changes we make. We can decide to approach each day in a more positive way and that would be a perfect idea if I actually believed I currently had complete control of my thoughts, I have a lot more control than I did a couple of months ago but from time to time I haven’t got a clue what is going on in my noggin.

I haven’t had a major buzzing in the head session for a while, not that I can remember anyway but last night at about 11 as I was getting into bed a switch just seemed to switch in my head and away I went off to the land of nutjob, sitting in the dark with my hands on my head rocking backward and forward crying like a baby, the emotional desperation and pain running through me, trying to destroy me again. If you are reading this and understand what I am on about, I feel for you because it is extremely unpleasant!!!

The reason this post is titled “Are you winning?” is I would like to know if you are winning and what you are doing to ensure those daily wins. I know there are people out there that read the blog but don’t like to put comments on for other people to see, so let me know on Twitter via DM or put on comment on here (there’s a little “Leave a comment link” below the post Title) and note you don’t want it to be seen, all comments have to be approved by me before they go onto the blog and I can keep them private.

So…

Why did you have a short trip to the land of nutjob again last night Jon? I have absolutely no fucking idea and I couldn’t give a flying fuck, “it is what it is”. What I do know is I managed to have more control over it last night and I probably have to change a few things up again to level myself out a bit.

What things have you got to change Jon? I have absolutely no fucking idea and I couldn’t give a flying fuck, “it is what it is”. What I do know is that it could be something as silly as putting my right sock on before my left sock, in fact i’m gunna give that a go.

Whats 2014 going to bring Jon? I have absolutely no fucking idea and I couldn’t give a flying fuck, “it is what is is”. What I do know is absolutely fucking nothing and couldn’t give a flying fuck.

I think you might be starting to see a pattern forming??

I am winning, I know I am and I want to help others win as well (might be delusional thinking but I bet you can guess what I think about that!!) (hint – see above). I am in pain, I don’t like me, I “know” other people don’t like me, i’m a failure at life, I was a proper C**T when I was drinking, all in all I have been a waste of a human being!!!!

However…. Sometimes I’m not in pain, Sometimes I like me, Sometimes I “know” other people like me, I’m not a failure at life because I am still fighting, I was still a proper “C**T when I was drinking but I don’t drink now, all in all the chances are I won’t be a waste of a human being!!!!

There’s stuff I want, there’s places I want to go, there’s people I want around me and of course I want to be well!!! Will this all happen in 2014, see above for the answer to that…. the only difference being that I COULD give a flying fuck. I can’t set them as goals at the moment, but I will do everything within my power and that’s my power not a fucking “power greater than me” to make them happen.

So….

Tell me, Are You Winning?

Enjoy the good and ride out the bad

It is what it is

What will be will be

Keep fighting

Keep Smiling πŸ™‚

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4 thoughts on “Are You Winning?”

  1. “The reason this post is titled Ò€œAre you winning?Ò€ is I would like to know if you are winning and what you are doing to ensure those daily wins.”

    That’s my favourite bit of this posting. I might have to steal “daily wins” and use it in someway. In fact I think I will have a think about that for myself, and focus on what what I want to achieve or how I want to feel and/or cope with things and decide on what I need to ensure some daily wins. Obviously I’m already thinking about such things but your terms Daily Wins and “what are you doing to ensure daily wins” is a good use of terminology in my opinion, I like it!

    And with this bit of your post, I’ve tweeked it.
    “I know there are people out there that read the blog but donÒ€ℒt like to put comments on for other people to see and I know there is Alex J who writes all over it like it’s his own blog LOL!!
    ;-)”

    I’m going to do my own plan based on this “daily wins” thing you’ve just thrown into the ring. I’d be happy to share some idea’s but I’ll wait and see if others contribute etc… Damn I hate your blog sometimes πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ˜‰ it really gets the old tired brain cells firing up.

    I almost didn’t post this as I am not sure how much this actually contributes to YOUR blog!

    Alex

    1. Hi Alex, I like the tweeking :). I think Daily Wins probably comes from AA, a day at a time and all that, but daily wins is a good approach, yesterdays daily win was good and hopefully todays will be aswell. The other good thing about daily wins is even if yesterday was an horrendous day it was still a daily win, there might well of been moments when you are thinking “I can’t take this anymore” and at the time it is true, but now it is tomorrow, you did take it and you survived it so you know you can do it again. “ENJOY THE GOOD AND RIDE OUT THE BAD”.
      I like that you say “I hate your blog sometimes” it means what i write is worth it because it makes people think, hopefully it makes people uncomfortable and question there thoughts πŸ™‚
      Never question commenting, everything you post contributes, selfishly you help me.
      Keep smiling πŸ™‚
      Peace Out

  2. Brilliant blog Jon. I feel for you and I can now see why you haven’t had a good 2013. although, in a way it has been good….you taken positive steps to change your life. It’s a battle, but each day you win and the more you win the easier it gets. Xxx

    1. Thank you Lisa, 2013 aint been a good’un but you are right I have taken positive steps, difficult steps, but very positive steps. 2014 will be what it will be “it is what it is” but I will be having a good go at keeping it positive. Thank you for taking the time to comment, Happy New Year and Keep Smiling πŸ™‚

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