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Life n Death

That ain’t really the title I wanted to use but even though I’m not exactly subtle at times I thought a title saying “Suicide” was unsubtleness at it’s most unsubtle….

I have tried to avoid the Robin Williams subject this week, all the speculation about “why” he killed himself….

Apparently he took his own life because….

His ex wives have took him for 20 million
He has Parkinson’s disease
His film career ain’t what it used to be
He didn’t want to take the TV roles

And I’m guessing there have been loads of other reasons as well…. Blah blah blah….

Well…. I know why he killed himself and that’s because he knew who shot JFK and the pressure got to him…. Oh and also cus he was skint he figured if he killed himself all the reruns of his films would bring a nice income in for his family…..

Hold up, that sounds like utter made up bullshit doesn’t it, have I gone mad, am I delusional, are the voices telling me the truth, is Robin speaking to me himself???? NOPE!!!!

The reasons I have given are utter made up bullshit…. And I should be ashamed of myself for making stuff like that up, shouldn’t I? Probably, but here’s the thing…..

20 million, Parkinson’s, career, TV roles are also utter made up bullshit, it’s all purely speculation. In theory if he’s left a “suicide note” surely that will tell us the reasons why he did it? For me if there is a note anything in it is still just made up reasons, cus any note written by someone who is just about to kill themselves is bullshit as well. If you are just about to kill yourself I would to suggest you’re probably not in the most rational frame of mind….

I’m not writing this crap to upset anyone, I’m gunna try and explain what the fuck I’m on about from my own personal point of view…. If I ever read this back, which is very unlikely cus I talk so much bollox, I will more than likely disagree with what I have written and what I am about to write. My disagreement will come from simply the fact that I always try to be as honest as I possibly can, and cus I’m a “mentalist” my feelings and thoughts can change in a click of your fingers (or my fingers, anyone’s finger really, doesn’t even have to be fingers clicking it could be a tap on a desk or perhaps a whistle, who knows but I don’t think that detail is really that important….).

I have said for quite a few months now that I don’t think about suicide anymore, this in fact is bollocks…. I reckon on average I will think about suicide every couple of days, maybe twice a day. It doesn’t really matter how often I think about suicide, cus thinking about suicide is just that they are thoughts, they are involuntary thoughts, they are thoughts I’ve had on a regular basis since my late teens, they are flippant reactionary thoughts. When I was perhaps early 20’s I tried to take an overdose, obviously I failed (can’t do anything right can I??). I still don’t know to this day if that was an actual suicide attempt or a cry for help, if I had to give a definitive answer I would say it was a cry for help, with the added bonus that if no one had found me the pain would be over.

At some point this year, I was lying in bed trying to get through a bad time, trying to ride it out, when all of a sudden I got out of bed and got dressed solely for the purpose of going down to the local town centre and kill myself by jumping off the top of Asda car park. (other supermarkets available….)

A few months ago I drove myself to A&E because I was scared of my thoughts and feelings. I had a gut feeling that I was gunna lose control and harm myself, maybe harm someone else, maybe kill myself, I really don’t know…. I spent 4+ hours in A&E, whilst they appeared to be prioritising people with nose bleeds…. The full story is on here somewhere but it’s safe to say it didn’t end well, it ended with me being what I can only describe as a completely fucked up Nutjob ranting and raving at anyone I could….

Thoughts of suicide will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, but actually killing myself and ending it all couldn’t be further from my mind…. Hold up that sentence starts with something that is completely the opposite to what it ended with….

Is anyone of this making any sense? I fucking hope not!!!! Life and death doesn’t make any sense, what’s it all about? What’s the point in succeeding in life if all your gunna do at the end is die? Why play noughts and crosses when there’s only 3 possible outcomes? Why do anything? What’s the point? I for one ain’t even gunna bother trying to answer these questions…. What’s the point?

My planned day out to Asda, is the one, there was something different about that day, I was almost excited at the prospect of it all being over, part of me hoped it would make a point about the shite NHS system that had forced me to end it all and cus I’d had a few new tattoos even if I landed on my face my body would be easily identifiable….

What’s the point of all this bollocks? I have have no idea!!!!

Oh yes….
There doesn’t have to be a reason why someone kills themselves.
There may be many reasons why someone kills themselves.
But all the speculation doesn’t change a thing, unfortunately “it is what it is”.

There will always be people who believe the only answer to the pain they are enduring is to put a final end to it, there will always be people that succeed and find freedom from the unexplainable agony that is in there lives….

But the fact is….

SUICIDE IS NEVER EVER THE ANSWER TO ANY QUESTION, NOT IF YOU HAVE A RATIONAL PROPERLY FUNCTIONING NOGGIN.

Another fact is….

IF YOU ARE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING OR EVEN JUST HAVE THE SUICIDE THOUGHT GOING THROUGH YOUR NOGGIN YOU HAVEN’T GOT A RATIONAL PROPERLY FUNCTIONING NOGGIN.

I’m gunna read through the above now before I publish on the blog and put links on Twitter n Facebook, I may change a few little things but I won’t change anything dramatic, so chances are it won’t make any sense whatsoever, so the next bit ain’t really gunna help….

Have you ever had that thing when the last song you heard in your car on the way to work is stuck in your head aaaaaallllllllllll fucking day? In the morning you are annoying everyone around you by constantly humming, singing, whistling the tune, by the afternoon you are not only annoying the people around you but you are now pissing yourself write off?!?!?!?! Course you have everyone has!!!! Will anyone ever be able to explain this? Possibly, maybe not…. Who gives a shit it’s an insignificant thing, it’s just an involuntary action that happens from time to time.

Why when we bump into something do we automatically say “ow” even if it didn’t even hurt? Again, Who gives a shit it’s an insignificant thing, it’s just an involuntary action that happens from time to time.

For me that’s what mental illness is like, that’s what suicidal thoughts are like. It/they just are, they are just part of my every day life.

The thoughts and feelings my mental illness makes me have are involuntary things that happen from time to time.

The suicidal thoughts are involuntary things that happen from time to time.

There’s no reason why, there may be many reasons why but at the end of the day the only real reason that can explain these things is something completely and utterly unexplainable and that’s simply…. Mental illness

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/s/ref=is_s_ss_i_0_6?k=thingymajig&sprefix=Thingy

Getting to know our demons

Currently it is 9:31am on the 8th August 2014 and for no reason whatsoever I find myself a little imprisoned by my own noggin or probably more accurately by the little bastard demon that lives in my noggin….

  • Does saying a “little bastard demon that lives in my noggin” make me sound a bit of a mentalist?
  • Am I admitting to having evil voices in my head?
  • Should I just keep my weird ramblings to myself?

Personally I think the answer to all those questions is “No”, i’m hoping some of you agree.

  1. Why do I keep talking bollox in a very open way?
  2. Why don’t just shut up and get on with life?
  3. Does anyone give a shite about my ramblings?
  1. Cus people tell me it helps them. Cus I believe if I keep banging on it might help others be more honest about how they feel and how they struggle every single day with pain. Cus I hope people will realise that being “odd” being a “mentalist” or simply just having an illness is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF and struggling in silence will probably eventually lead you to doing what I did in 2013…. Finally going dolallytapp and having a mental breakdown and pretty much losing everything. Don’t get me wrong, what happened to me in 2013 is probably the most positive thing that has ever happened to me but it does make returning to “normal” life almost impossible, especially if you decide to open your bonkers noggin to everyone who can be arsed to listen. Still a positive thing though…. Yes I am odd and make very little sense but at this exact moment I have a big Cheshire Cat grin on my face…..
  2. Cus I cant, not yet.
  3. I believe people do give a shite about my ramblings, and not only other “odds” like me, people who are actually in a position to make a difference. (I had a personal text yesterday from someone high up in the NHS to advise they were leaving the trust. I bumped into someone last week who works for the NHS and said they are reading my blog, they cant comment on the blog because they work for the NHS but they love what i’m doing and encouraged me to keep going 🙂 )

So, “Getting to know our demons” whats this all about? it’s about the nonsensical world some of us live in. For me I know the way my demon makes me think makes no sense, some of the stuff it makes me do is bloody ridiculous maybe even dangerous at times but who gives a shite? We all do or say daft things at times. Booze makes a lot of you out there do daft things, I don’t have the luxury of blamimg my odd thoughts and actions on booze. In a way my illness is my booze these days…. Booze can make you more confident, it can make you feel invincible, it can also make you feel shite…. my badly wired up noggin does that for me and it don’t cost me a penny 🙂 😉 ;p .

Today my Demon is telling me some pretty shite things…. Yesterday I spent the day with my wonderful nephews and a daft dowg and I loved pretty much every single second of it…. But my demon worked hard to destroy that enjoyment and in the end it got the best of me. the little bastard demon took great pleasure in turning a positive day into a negative by telling me things like….

  • Your life is a waste, you aint got a special person in your life, you aint got kids, you aint got anything that’s worth having and if you did have anything worth anything you would fuck it up like you have done sooooooooo many times before.
  • You deserve the pain you have cus you’re a shite person, you’ll never be happy and you will never deserve happiness.
  • People look at you and see the hateful, horrible c**t you’ve always been.
  • etc, etc, etc

Told ya my demon was a little bastard didn’t I!!!!

I’m guessing your demon is a little bastard as well?

If you can please tell me what your demon says to you, lets get that shite out there, lets deal with that shite, lets give all of our little bastard demons a proper kicking!!!!

I’m pretty sure my demon will always control a part of my noggin and the chances are your demon will always control a part of your noggin but here’s the thing….

MY DEMON AND YOUR DEMON IS WRONG, YES THEY ARE VERY CONVINCING AT TIMES BUT THEY ARE WRONG AND LYING TO YOU…. DON’T LET THE LITTLE FUCKERS TAKE YOU DOWN AND IF THEY DO ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET BACK UP AND KEEP GOING. YOU HAVE WON EVERYDAY SO FAR AND YOU WILL WIN EVERY SINGLE DAY IN THE FUTURE….

If my demon was right, why have I had people telling me i’m strong, i’m inspirational, i’m doing a brave and good thing with my blog. Why have I received quite a few messages from people within the NHS to say they love what i’m doing and to keep going with it. Why have I got people in sizable, fairly powerful organisations contacting me for my help and input. Why are people on Twitter using my account to publicise their accounts. Why does the local MP listen to what I have to say?

Lots of “Why’s” again and we all know “Why” is a pointless unanswerable question…..

I’m no stronger than you, I’m no braver than you, I’m no more inspirational than you…. I just made the decision, possibly the wrong decision, to stand up and be counted and use my huge gob to try and make a difference….

Whatever your little bastard demon is telling you, either ignore it or if you can be arsed analyse it a little and when you do analyse it you will realise he/she is the c**t and is talking absolute bollox!!!!

If you can, please tell me what your demon tells you, it will be the same as what other peoples demons tell them and to know other demons talk the same bollox will show to us all we are not alone, we are not mad, we are not bonkers, we are not nutjobs we simple have an illness, a mental illness and it’s nothing to be ashamed of!!!!!

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book




Enjoy the good….

Hi, I was trying to stay away from banging on about me…. I promise this is just a quickie…….. (erm :-O )

Today I have been distributing posters for The Paul McCann Fund For Needy Children at one point I felt myself feeling guilty for being happy and jovial…. Surely someone with an MI should be miserable and low at all times???? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! I/you have to move forward and I for one am not willing to move forward miserably.

So I had a look at my motto tattooed on my arm and decided just to enjoy the good…. Cus lets face it I have to ride out the bad at times….

However, after I decided to enjoy the good I then started going over a few things in my noggin. The main questions I had for myself was;-

  • Is the upbeat, bubbly, jovial, confident person I am being today whilst distributing posters and leaflets real?
  • Am I just putting my “Jon” front on to switch back into Sales/Marketing B’shoot mode?
  • Am I being false?

There were also other questions swirling around and around my noggin, then I just stopped thinking…. Simple as that, I just stopped thinking (if you are aware of my previous stuff you will know “thunking really aint my bag” and “thunking is definitely overrated!!”).

Did I come to any conclusions before I stopped thinking?   Possibly, however that conclusion could change tomorrow or in a week or two, but currently what I will say is that my conclusion was a positive one 🙂 .

I’m currently talking/supporting to a number of people around the world and in this country. One of these people thanked me for my ongoing support yesterday which is really nice of them but in all honesty i’m not doing anything, i’m just talking to friends, friends that are struggling a bit at the moment with the circumstances of life.

All the supportive messages I have had via this blog and Twitter are amazing but in all honesty i’m not doing anything apart from being honest and open. I have to do this, partly cus I hope me being open and honest will help others not get to the desperation stage of MI and avoid the horrendous stage of isolation. There is absolutely no need for anyone to be isolated with Twitter and Facebook, some of the people I speak with have set their Twitter accounts up completely anonymously, you can do the same and start talking to other people who are going through stuff similar to what you’re going through 😉 .

Aaaannnnyyyywho…. gunna stop banging on now, this is quickly turning into a long post, i’ve got that much I want to say but nows not the time, now is the time for guest bloggers, I have a couple lined up but I am looking for more…. hint hint wink wink 😉 .

Theirs a couple of new pages on this blog, if you have you have time please have a look:-

exboozehound and his friendsWatch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

exboozehound n friendswatch The Bye Bye Man 2017 film now

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Sometimes I just want to give up on life

I was planning to stay away from blogging for a couple of weeks to have a little break from the turmoil of opening up my heart and mind and to get guest bloggers thoughts and feelings as well. I have a few more guest blogs to come and I thought the recent guest post by anon MC was amazing, amazing in an unpleasant way at times but amazing non the less because it is honest and for me it shows others they are not alone…. EVER!!

However, I received a message on Twitter and part of this message said how much they liked my honesty, yes I have been very honest, I have to be, but I haven’t been entirely honest recently, that is about to change and you can probably guess where we are going from the title of this post…. “sometimes I just want to give up on life” sounds negative and yes it is so let’s just deal with the negative side of this title to begin with….

I do want to give up on life because it is so fucking hard, day by day us mentalists struggle with the unseen pain of our illness, whatever the diagnosis if you actually have one. Why do I want to give up on life at the moment?…

Partly cus that’s just the way it is with MI your noggin tells you your a waste of a human being and the world would be a better place without you, your friends and family could stop worrying about you and get on with their lives, and anyway let’s face it no matter how much you try you will always be a failure at life so just fucking give up…. Am I right or am I right?

Partly cus I’m on another one of those cycles getting used to new meds….

Partly cus I want to move forward positively but I just can’t cus I can’t put my health at risk….

Partly cus I’m tired and bored of all the shite….

But hold up…. WTF? WGO?…

I’ll tell you what’s going on, I’m fucking feeling sorry for myself, oh woe is me life isn’t fair…. Damn fucking right life isn’t fair you fucking pussy it never has been and it never will be, life doesn’t owe you a thing if you want something then you have to do something so get off your fucking arse and do something!!!!

Ok, let’s deal with the positive side of “sometimes I just want to give up on life”.… How can there be a positive side to these words, these feelings? Easy, these thoughts and words are bullshit!!!! There is no way in this world you are gunna give up on life cus you have come so far, yes you still have a long way to go but exboozehound makes a difference, exboozehound helps people and in helping people you help yourself, you give yourself a purpose and you believe/know now that is the point of you…. (Ok, maybe the last bit is delusional, but you would think the same if you could see the messages I get in private and the things people say to me face to face, I am actually truly blessed with a beautiful life, beautiful cus it now has reason).

There’s nothing wrong with thinking and feeling “sometimes I just want to give up on life” it’s a fact of life. Look at it a different way…. Your looking for something around the house and you keep going back into the same room and looking under the the same object, you have even checked the fridge twice…. But the more you look the more you wind yourself up and you will never find it then cus your not actually looking anymore your energy is being spent going dolallytap and beating yourself up for being such a div…. It’s the same thing really life a bunch of keys, you will find them, but you may just have to chill the fuck out to enable that find….

Does any of that share make any sense?

Ok “sometimes I just want to give up on life”…. Yup!!!!

But…. Are you going to give up on life?…. Fuck no!!!! I’ve got shite to do, important shite!!!!

So, what’s the plan? Erm…. Mmm…. Urr….

The plan? I know what the plan is and I’m doing what I can to implement it, but in order to do so I need to think a lot and thunking ain’t really my bag….

I’m going to be sending some emails and DM’s to some of you, if you can’t help I won’t be upset, but I have to ask so I hope your not angered by me.

So…. is this a negative or positive post?… Without one simple word it would be negative and that word is sometimes….

Sometimes makes it a positive post cus it is just sometimes rather than all the time…. Inevitably there will be bad times just as there will be good times, all we have to do is….
image

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book

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Watch Fifty Shades Darker (2017) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Untitled – Guest Post

Men knocking the hell out of women. I’ve read so many horrifying articles about it and my heart goes out to those women & children who live with it. I’ve never understood why anyone would stay but that’s me – a bloody hypocrite..

I saw a documentary about a lady who left and put her life back together. She said something that I could completely identify with. She said that she was ok through the day but when she heard his key in the lock she felt sick.

My H doesn’t and has never nor would he hit me. He’s just not like that. He’s a decent bloke who works hard and away much of the time. Because of this I kinda get how his world is fairly closed and he’s generally the only one in it.

He is a drinker. He won’t say he’s an alcoholic but does admit he “has a problem”. He drinks and the next day he’s “embarrassed” and “doesn’t know why he did it”. All water off a ducks back to me it’s always been but in the last few years that sound, the twisting of the cap and pouring sets me on edge, turns my stomach like the battered woman who hears the key in the lock. I know how the evening will be. He won’t be able to remember anything but will get agitated with me and insist I converse. It’s always a waste of time as when he’s sober he won’t remember and accuse me of not informing him. I’m stupid ya see, a bit thick apparently. Can’t even be trusted with info about things I used to do in my old job in banking. Can’t be right unless someone else says it. He will check what I say with someone else, the internet. Once he only took what I said from a friend of mine who wasn’t even in banking!?!

I’m not to say anything when he goes for it the night before cos “he knows OK”. But I can’t keep my trap shut. Gets me in trouble and gets me a ticking off, but I never learn. Why don’t I leave (back to my thoughts about the battered woman – ya see? Hypocrite).

Why am I spilling this? Well I have had depression and it scared the bejesus outta me. I seriously thought I would end up dead. Driving alone scared me, I took detours to avoid trees that might kill me if I bloody hit them hard enough. One doc told me to “go for a walk”. I was in pieces and it put me off going again. A friend ordered me to go again and the receptionist made me feel like I shouldn’t be there and gave me a luminous laminated sheet to hold while waiting so everyone knew I was wasting the docs time. It has large case capitals on it asking :

IS THIS REALLY AN EMERGENCY?
COULD YOU HAVE WAITED FOR A ROUTINE APPT SO SOMEONE WHO REALLY NEEDS AN APPT COULD BE SEEN?

Bla bla bla. I felt sick holding this thing, the room was getting smaller, everyone was staring wondering why on earth I was there (obs in my head but very real at the time). Yep, I walked out and drove out of my way avoiding the trees crying and terrified.

Anyway, back to the matter in hand. The sound of booze makes me sick. The sarcasm or sometimes silence, or or or that follows makes me feel like nothing. If he’s in a good mood I can be, if he’s not I may as well forget it. That’s the control his drinking has over him AND me. If i go out (I go out quite a lot) that’s wrong. Where am I going, when will I be back? I’ve learned to be elusive, that way I can’t always be late can I? He’s even called and slated me accusing me of lying about whether I’m on my way back. One weekend I had with a friend he ordered me back by 5pm and didn’t even believe her when I put her on the phone to back me up. I was so enraged that he stressed me so much we had full on war when I returned. So you see I have the fight in me when I feel normal but it wears me down.

Why not just fecking punch me?

I used to like a drink. Just to chill, be cheeky and laugh a lot at things that ain’t that funny. But the demons are heading back. They’re at the garden gate and I can hear them. I haven’t the fight in me so he’s drinking like a good un. My sons just started and now thinks he can talk to me like H does. I’m still fighting that one but what example is he more likely to follow?

So I sympathise genuinely with you guys addicted to the booze or what ever your bag is if you seriously are brave enough to recognise it and face it head on. I also feel for the others, the partners/family – it affects them too, more than you will ever know. They don’t know what to do? They feel boring, worthless, ignorant, the put downs become totally believable when we can’t stand it anymore. We don’t even own our own emotions. You’re content so we can be. Your pissed off so we are too. It’s taking over your life and OURS but gotta protect the kids. You think you’re protecting them until you realise all you do is yell at them and say awful things to them. I’m ashamed to say I don’t even want to cook for them and spend time with them when it’s bad for me. Booze affects everyone and doesn’t just affect the boozer. Why don’t I leave? I’m a feisty gobby mare who has great friends and can get on with it most of the time. Right now I’m laying down hiding from the darkness that I feel above me. God knows if I will get through it this time. I get the strength to go to the docs and it’s whether I can stand the callous, inefficient, pathetic way I will be treated with the luminous laminated shame sheet on whether I make it to the doc or if I find that tree..

Why do I identify with Jon? It’s because I’m in awe of someone who has achieved what he has. In his boozing and his depression. What is awesome about this guy is he owned how he was, he knows what he put his nearest n dearest through and he’s probably the most honest guy I’ve ever come across. My H couldn’t give a rats arse about anyone else even when he’s sober but Jon wants to help and he is. What he doesn’t know ain’t worth knowing. I’m rooting for him every day and just at the moment – hoping I can beat those little bastards too.

Thank you, anon (MC) x

I have replied to MC privately, please reply to MC to show her and others in the same situation that they are not alone!!!!

I’m not gunna comment any further….

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book

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There ain’t a thing YOU can’t handle

I’m gunna edit the title a smidge by just adding one important word….

There ain’t a thing YOU can’t handle, eventually

I used to say “nothing I can’t handle” a lot, I now add the word eventually. This additional word has come from experience, cus there is a lot of stuff I can’t handle in the now. Deep down I’m a bit of a pussy, stuff gets to me, stuff makes me emotional, stuff makes me dolallytap but what is an outburst gunna achieve? Nothing but guilt, regret, renumeration (not sure if that’s the correct word, so I’ll add another one) thunking…. Thunking is overrated if you are thunking in a negative way.

You know if you do have an outburst you will use it to beat yourself up with for days maybe weeks maybe longer. But NEVER beat yourself up about shite like that, it happened, it’s gone, move on…. Apologise if you have to or makes amends if you can but move on cus unless you happen to meet Doctor Who or Doc Brown you ain’t gunna get hold of a time machine….

I’m just wondering if anyone spotted the word pussy above? That’s a negative word, I ain’t a pussy (possibly debatable) I have an illness, I’m a mentalist. If you are a mentalist as well you have to believe you are strong…. If you weren’t strong you would of done one a long time ago…. Us mentalists are strong and we are amazing people!!!! FACT!!!!

I’m gunna quote myself now cus although initially I guess you will think “yup this guys a proper nut job!” If you have a think about the words you will understand….

“There’s only one difference between “normals” and us mentalists and that’s us mentalists are intelligent enough to know we are fucked up, “normals” haven’t worked it out yet….”

If you are a mentalist be proud cus you are a strong, wonderful, caring, person who has a lot to give to the world, you will have a special talent, you may not know what it is yet but if you are open and honest with yourself you will find it….

So, remember….

There ain’t a thing YOU can’t handle, eventually….

I received a message on Facebook the other day from a friend, it made me so proud…..

“Iv adopted your enjoy the good ride out the bad ethos and tbh mate it’s great as when I’m down I now tell myself that I’m not down it’s just my mind tricking me into thinking that and that I just need to ride it out obviously it’s all still there but it’s decent and I suppose if your mind can trick you you can trick your mind”

“So the good I enjoy the bad Well I welcome the fight fuck having an easy time, normal brains are for the weak :)”

Keep Going ?

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Last week I finally became a man

G’day all, how’s it hanging?

This will be a short post and unless you were with me last week you probably won’t understand what the hell I’m going on about but hey ho if you’ve read my stuff before you know this is how I roll….

I’ve just spent the last week in Corfu, it was amazing, hotel was shite, staff at the hotel were shite, food at the hotel was shite, BUT the people were absolutely amazing, two in particular (xx).

It was all inclusive, lol, so everyone was drinking ALL DAY, which at times was difficult but doable and very enjoyable although sometimes a little annoying, bloody drunkards, lol. I spent a lot of my time with the two most amazing people I have ever had the honour to spend time with!!!!

I spoke openly, as always, about being a mentalist alcoholic and people want to talk about there experiences of this world which is awesome. Of course me being me I did a lot of selling exboozehound but although probably very annoying it is now my “work” being exboozehound is why I am here, it’s my destiny…. (Don’t worry I haven’t gone all flowery n shite, I’m just in touch with my inner “Poof!” (No offence intended with that word, it’s only a word and I ain’t intelligent so my vocabulary is limited to neandathol words)).

I’m gunna leave it there….

Make sense at all? Probably not!!

Will it make sense to some people? I bloody hope so!!

If you were there last week and you feel you can add a comment please do, I have to approve all comments and if you want it to be anonymous just add it to the comment and I will remove your name xx

Keep Going 😉

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Life

Life…. It’s a bit weird at times….Movie Underworld: Blood Wars (2016)

It was my 41st birthday a few days ago, and through all the shite of mental illness oddly I had the best birthday I have ever had, yes there were noggin buzzing moments but, and I hate to say it (I don’t really) if you “enjoy the good and ride out the bad” all will be cool 🙂

On the Saturday I met up with the lads, we were going out at half 7, fairly civilised, then I got a text from P saying L was picking him up at 18:15 and they were going for a few “cokes”…. The first thought that went through my head was “K we are 41 now not 17, lol, this is going to get messy!” And it did, but messy in a good way!!!Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)

At one point we were standing around a table, and L announced “we haven’t grown up at all in 25 years….” He was completely and utterly right, we haven’t, not one bit. It was around this time my face started to hurt from laughing and it continued to get more painful. I would love to be able to say the conversation was intelligent and thought provoking but if I did say that I would by talking out my posterior.

At other points of the evening my noggin was all over the shop, but I just went outside and had a fag or at one point I found a paper and sat down on a table by myself and read it a bit. A couple of the lads noticed I was being a bit odd and said come on Mans get here, but once they had said it once they knew I need a bit of space. Then BG said “your a photographer come and take some photos” quite a compliment in a way but I hadn’t got my camera with me and most of the lads had decent phones and you don’t need to be a photographer to take a snap with a phone. I however had only got a crappy old temporary phone cus my iPhone is…. Erm…. Not working at the moment.

Throughout the evening I had a couple of fairly grown up conversations, very short grown up conversations…. The one on politics ended with me saying “let’s face it all policitians are c*n*s, end of conversation, no point in discussing it further cus I’m right…. Come on H next boozer”. We also had a conversation about teachers but I avoided that one cus W has very strong views on teachers…. I also remember a conversation about Health & Safety, sounds grown up doesn’t it, not entirely….

We ended up in a club I guess, it had got flashing lights n stuff so yeah must of been a club? I paid £5 to get in and had to leave after about 45 minutes cus my noggin had gone. During that 45 minutes I had a heart to heart with LG, very emotional at times but also very funny and childish 🙂 .

I left just saying I was going to the other soba one and went to retrieve my car from what was basically a private car park…. It took me a while to find my car, lol, and I drove on my merry way, with my noggin buzzing in a bad way and a huge smile on my face.

My birthday was the best I have ever had for other reasons as well, other reasons that need to remain private all I will say is it involved two amazing people a birthday card and a dog 🙂 .

Right, is there a point to this post? Hold up is there a point to any of my posts? On the face of it most of the time there isn’t a point but if you think a bit you will find a point, I promise 😉 .

Keep Going 😉

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Regrets

“its better to regret the things you have done than the things you haven’t”

This was the motto I decided to live my life by over 11 years ago whilst in the Woodbourne Priory, Booze Clinic on my Booze cruise to end all Booze crews, without Booze 🙁

When I analyse this motto (by the way I know its not the exact motto but I don’t care, I thought about googling the correct motto, the old Jon would of but the new Jon knows there’s more important things to worry about!!!) sometimes it makes sense and other times it seems like blox. But now, after yesterday evening it has a new conatation (bad spelling, maybe wrong word, dont care 🙂 ) 

Simply….

“its better to regret”

I regret last night, but the alternative is much worse and NEVER an option!!!! Not gunna explain that, “It is what it is”

I regret but I don’t and wont feel guilt, guilt is a waste of energy, for me if you feel guilt about something do something about it or “build a bridge and get over it” (words pinched from an amazing person, you know who you are x).

Last night for many many reasons Mental Illness got hold of me and controlled me, I fought it for hours and tried to stay in my logical and wise mind (Mindfulness) but in the end my emotional mind got hold of me and made a bit of a scene (mahoosive understatement!!)

So, i’m not going to build a bridge I’m going to do something about it.

If you were in Russells Hall A&E last night SORRY!! That sorry is for everyone, Staff, Patients and definitely for the three security guards, in particular for the dark haired one who appeared second and thank you to all three of you. I hope one day I will be able to meet you face to face and say sorry shake your hands and say thank you. To the reception ladies (probably not the correct title, sorry) you were amazing and I know you will continue to be amazing!!

However my apology is not for the two Noggin Docs…. You were pathetic, maybe you were trying to get a reaction from me but if you weren’t you need some new books!! I have now met some really amazing book monkeys but you two are the reason these words exist and will remain in my vocabulary.

Just as an aside the vending machine by the door owes me £1.80.

Will I regret this post? Probably

Is it what it is? Yup

Does shit happen? Yup

Am I calm today? Yup

Will I come out the other side? Yup

Why am I posting this? Now there’s a good question!!!!

I am posting this because anyone out there that is ever considering the alternative option, the one I wasn’t going to explain but will now….

“I’d be better off dead”

 

If you EVER think that, and I know you do, please KNOW it’s ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS!! You have fought and survived this far and there isn’t ANYTHING that can make that thought correct, there isn’t ANYTHING that you cant get through and come out the other side of, I promise you 100% ANYTHING is recoverable and you will get through it, FACT, FACT, FACT, FACT, FACT, FACT!

 

“From adversity comes strength”

 

Thank you bro for helping me through last night, you were and are amazing!!!! I will keep your texts forever to remind me of what an Amazing, Loving, Intelligent, Strong, person you are and how fortunate and blessed I am to have a bro and a friend like you. If I could make one request though, please stop dressing smart cus you put me to shame and make me look like Shrek!! 🙁 😉 x

I am changing my sign off from Keep Smiling to Keep Going because although smiling is good it can also be so false!!!!

Keep Going 😉

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John Fryer lives on and will save lives with Jon Mansell aka exboozehound

OOF!! I have put my surname, I know I have done this before by mistake but today I have done it intentionally…. I bang on all the time about not being ashamed of who and what I am, a Mentalist Alcie :-O but then I try (and fail appallingly) to keep my FB and Twitter accounts separate at times, what a tool!!! (that’s growth that is back in the day “tool” would of been count but I don’t type the word count anymore its a county thing to type).

A while back I planned to keep everything completely separate for the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out, but they insisted I didn’t, so from now on if I have to get my tackle out to make a point I will (urgh!!) as long as its a warm day and i’ve employed a fluffer 😉

Right that’s my usual blox out the way (we all know there is more blox to come don’t we, but that is me…. like it? cool don’t like it? cool

John Fryer is a guy I never met, he took his own life in 2003, in fact he took his own life 21/4/2003. I might have this wrong but he was born in 1973 (possibly 1974 but that would make my point have less impact and hey i’m a publish author now so I’m aloud a little “artistic” license) his mom loves him dearly and from what I can tell he is an awesome person, he is a lot like me…. “Mental but Magic”.

He likes Motorbikes, he fell off a lot of motorbikes (numpty), I got knocked of mine dude that’s the manly way to do it, having said that you got back on and I bottled it, so your the bigger man! I still miss my motorbike I was just about to do the big bike license and then some bloomin foreigner in a left hand drive car thought it would be clever to turn right from the left hand lane on an island and hadn’t spotted me in the right hand lane…. In that split second I thought flip me this aint gunna go well, if I go to my brakes i’m gunna come of worse so I decided to go will the flow and tickle his car with my bike, body and soul…. ow! So I tickled the back panel of the motor, bounced off and tickled the passenger door, once I’d had enough of tickling, I hit the deck. My first thought was “i’m in trouble with the misses we’re going on holiday in a couple of weeks” my next thought was “I cant feel my leg” my next thought was “course you cant feel your leg you tool you have a motorbike lying on it”. The “Germans” got out of their car and said “We didn’t see you, we heard a bump and thought something had fallen off the car” it had you numpty, that thing falling off your car was me!!!

John likes music, I will be benefiting from this fact cus his mom has said she would like to give me his music, do I have shame benefiting in this way? nope, do I feel honoured? yup. Will John be saying don’t give that numpty my music? probably. But I promise I will look after it dude!!!!

John likes to wind his mom up, I like to wind his mom up, I consider it a fun pastime (sorry JF x). I like to wind my mom up (sorry mommy, love yoooooo x).

John and me would of got on, and we will get on because we are going to work together, we are going to cause trouble together, we are and have saved lives together. John if I have ever referred to you in the past tense or refer to you in the past tense any time in the future I am wrong, I hope your Mom, Dad and Sisters will allow me to continue your life through me? I know its a bit of a come down for you dude, i’m a Black Country crossed with a Brummie but i’ve got a good heart and I believe in you and me.

There was so much more I wanted to say but all of a sudden my noggin has switched off, as you know dude this happens to us mentalists…. but also as we know this happens to them normal’s as well they just aint intelligent enough to know whats going on

I dropped your mom a message earlier to ask if I could write about you today, I don’t think I have had a response yet but I haven’t looked because I am trying (and again failing) to write this mindfully. I am going to publish this as it is now, i’m not gunna read it back cus I dont want to change anything, I want it to be from the heart and the badly wired up noggin, I know you will understand that and I guess you will probably like the fact that it might wind your mom up 😉 ….

I aint gunna RIP you dude, cus you aint got time to rest we have work to do, we have trouble to cause, we have changes to make, we have lives to save and I have not one shred of doubt we will do this in our own inevitable way…. badly at times but honestly (maybe with a little bit of manipulation, cus I have a feeling you can be manipulative as well, but you aint got my manipulation powers dude i’m a master of the art neh a master of the trade 😉

RIP, pah Ride In Purity (soz best I could come up with)

Keep smiling 🙂

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