Enjoy the good….

Hi, I was trying to stay away from banging on about me…. I promise this is just a quickie…….. (erm :-O )

Today I have been distributing posters for The Paul McCann Fund For Needy Children at one point I felt myself feeling guilty for being happy and jovial…. Surely someone with an MI should be miserable and low at all times???? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! I/you have to move forward and I for one am not willing to move forward miserably.

So I had a look at my motto tattooed on my arm and decided just to enjoy the good…. Cus lets face it I have to ride out the bad at times….

However, after I decided to enjoy the good I then started going over a few things in my noggin. The main questions I had for myself was;-

  • Is the upbeat, bubbly, jovial, confident person I am being today whilst distributing posters and leaflets real?
  • Am I just putting my “Jon” front on to switch back into Sales/Marketing B’shoot mode?
  • Am I being false?

There were also other questions swirling around and around my noggin, then I just stopped thinking…. Simple as that, I just stopped thinking (if you are aware of my previous stuff you will know “thunking really aint my bag” and “thunking is definitely overrated!!”).

Did I come to any conclusions before I stopped thinking?   Possibly, however that conclusion could change tomorrow or in a week or two, but currently what I will say is that my conclusion was a positive one 🙂 .

I’m currently talking/supporting to a number of people around the world and in this country. One of these people thanked me for my ongoing support yesterday which is really nice of them but in all honesty i’m not doing anything, i’m just talking to friends, friends that are struggling a bit at the moment with the circumstances of life.

All the supportive messages I have had via this blog and Twitter are amazing but in all honesty i’m not doing anything apart from being honest and open. I have to do this, partly cus I hope me being open and honest will help others not get to the desperation stage of MI and avoid the horrendous stage of isolation. There is absolutely no need for anyone to be isolated with Twitter and Facebook, some of the people I speak with have set their Twitter accounts up completely anonymously, you can do the same and start talking to other people who are going through stuff similar to what you’re going through 😉 .

Aaaannnnyyyywho…. gunna stop banging on now, this is quickly turning into a long post, i’ve got that much I want to say but nows not the time, now is the time for guest bloggers, I have a couple lined up but I am looking for more…. hint hint wink wink 😉 .

Theirs a couple of new pages on this blog, if you have you have time please have a look:-

exboozehound and his friendsWatch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

exboozehound n friendswatch The Bye Bye Man 2017 film now

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Untitled – Guest Post

Men knocking the hell out of women. I’ve read so many horrifying articles about it and my heart goes out to those women & children who live with it. I’ve never understood why anyone would stay but that’s me – a bloody hypocrite..

I saw a documentary about a lady who left and put her life back together. She said something that I could completely identify with. She said that she was ok through the day but when she heard his key in the lock she felt sick.

My H doesn’t and has never nor would he hit me. He’s just not like that. He’s a decent bloke who works hard and away much of the time. Because of this I kinda get how his world is fairly closed and he’s generally the only one in it.

He is a drinker. He won’t say he’s an alcoholic but does admit he “has a problem”. He drinks and the next day he’s “embarrassed” and “doesn’t know why he did it”. All water off a ducks back to me it’s always been but in the last few years that sound, the twisting of the cap and pouring sets me on edge, turns my stomach like the battered woman who hears the key in the lock. I know how the evening will be. He won’t be able to remember anything but will get agitated with me and insist I converse. It’s always a waste of time as when he’s sober he won’t remember and accuse me of not informing him. I’m stupid ya see, a bit thick apparently. Can’t even be trusted with info about things I used to do in my old job in banking. Can’t be right unless someone else says it. He will check what I say with someone else, the internet. Once he only took what I said from a friend of mine who wasn’t even in banking!?!

I’m not to say anything when he goes for it the night before cos “he knows OK”. But I can’t keep my trap shut. Gets me in trouble and gets me a ticking off, but I never learn. Why don’t I leave (back to my thoughts about the battered woman – ya see? Hypocrite).

Why am I spilling this? Well I have had depression and it scared the bejesus outta me. I seriously thought I would end up dead. Driving alone scared me, I took detours to avoid trees that might kill me if I bloody hit them hard enough. One doc told me to “go for a walk”. I was in pieces and it put me off going again. A friend ordered me to go again and the receptionist made me feel like I shouldn’t be there and gave me a luminous laminated sheet to hold while waiting so everyone knew I was wasting the docs time. It has large case capitals on it asking :

IS THIS REALLY AN EMERGENCY?
COULD YOU HAVE WAITED FOR A ROUTINE APPT SO SOMEONE WHO REALLY NEEDS AN APPT COULD BE SEEN?

Bla bla bla. I felt sick holding this thing, the room was getting smaller, everyone was staring wondering why on earth I was there (obs in my head but very real at the time). Yep, I walked out and drove out of my way avoiding the trees crying and terrified.

Anyway, back to the matter in hand. The sound of booze makes me sick. The sarcasm or sometimes silence, or or or that follows makes me feel like nothing. If he’s in a good mood I can be, if he’s not I may as well forget it. That’s the control his drinking has over him AND me. If i go out (I go out quite a lot) that’s wrong. Where am I going, when will I be back? I’ve learned to be elusive, that way I can’t always be late can I? He’s even called and slated me accusing me of lying about whether I’m on my way back. One weekend I had with a friend he ordered me back by 5pm and didn’t even believe her when I put her on the phone to back me up. I was so enraged that he stressed me so much we had full on war when I returned. So you see I have the fight in me when I feel normal but it wears me down.

Why not just fecking punch me?

I used to like a drink. Just to chill, be cheeky and laugh a lot at things that ain’t that funny. But the demons are heading back. They’re at the garden gate and I can hear them. I haven’t the fight in me so he’s drinking like a good un. My sons just started and now thinks he can talk to me like H does. I’m still fighting that one but what example is he more likely to follow?

So I sympathise genuinely with you guys addicted to the booze or what ever your bag is if you seriously are brave enough to recognise it and face it head on. I also feel for the others, the partners/family – it affects them too, more than you will ever know. They don’t know what to do? They feel boring, worthless, ignorant, the put downs become totally believable when we can’t stand it anymore. We don’t even own our own emotions. You’re content so we can be. Your pissed off so we are too. It’s taking over your life and OURS but gotta protect the kids. You think you’re protecting them until you realise all you do is yell at them and say awful things to them. I’m ashamed to say I don’t even want to cook for them and spend time with them when it’s bad for me. Booze affects everyone and doesn’t just affect the boozer. Why don’t I leave? I’m a feisty gobby mare who has great friends and can get on with it most of the time. Right now I’m laying down hiding from the darkness that I feel above me. God knows if I will get through it this time. I get the strength to go to the docs and it’s whether I can stand the callous, inefficient, pathetic way I will be treated with the luminous laminated shame sheet on whether I make it to the doc or if I find that tree..

Why do I identify with Jon? It’s because I’m in awe of someone who has achieved what he has. In his boozing and his depression. What is awesome about this guy is he owned how he was, he knows what he put his nearest n dearest through and he’s probably the most honest guy I’ve ever come across. My H couldn’t give a rats arse about anyone else even when he’s sober but Jon wants to help and he is. What he doesn’t know ain’t worth knowing. I’m rooting for him every day and just at the moment – hoping I can beat those little bastards too.

Thank you, anon (MC) x

I have replied to MC privately, please reply to MC to show her and others in the same situation that they are not alone!!!!

I’m not gunna comment any further….

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
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#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book

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There ain’t a thing YOU can’t handle

I’m gunna edit the title a smidge by just adding one important word….

There ain’t a thing YOU can’t handle, eventually

I used to say “nothing I can’t handle” a lot, I now add the word eventually. This additional word has come from experience, cus there is a lot of stuff I can’t handle in the now. Deep down I’m a bit of a pussy, stuff gets to me, stuff makes me emotional, stuff makes me dolallytap but what is an outburst gunna achieve? Nothing but guilt, regret, renumeration (not sure if that’s the correct word, so I’ll add another one) thunking…. Thunking is overrated if you are thunking in a negative way.

You know if you do have an outburst you will use it to beat yourself up with for days maybe weeks maybe longer. But NEVER beat yourself up about shite like that, it happened, it’s gone, move on…. Apologise if you have to or makes amends if you can but move on cus unless you happen to meet Doctor Who or Doc Brown you ain’t gunna get hold of a time machine….

I’m just wondering if anyone spotted the word pussy above? That’s a negative word, I ain’t a pussy (possibly debatable) I have an illness, I’m a mentalist. If you are a mentalist as well you have to believe you are strong…. If you weren’t strong you would of done one a long time ago…. Us mentalists are strong and we are amazing people!!!! FACT!!!!

I’m gunna quote myself now cus although initially I guess you will think “yup this guys a proper nut job!” If you have a think about the words you will understand….

“There’s only one difference between “normals” and us mentalists and that’s us mentalists are intelligent enough to know we are fucked up, “normals” haven’t worked it out yet….”

If you are a mentalist be proud cus you are a strong, wonderful, caring, person who has a lot to give to the world, you will have a special talent, you may not know what it is yet but if you are open and honest with yourself you will find it….

So, remember….

There ain’t a thing YOU can’t handle, eventually….

I received a message on Facebook the other day from a friend, it made me so proud…..

“Iv adopted your enjoy the good ride out the bad ethos and tbh mate it’s great as when I’m down I now tell myself that I’m not down it’s just my mind tricking me into thinking that and that I just need to ride it out obviously it’s all still there but it’s decent and I suppose if your mind can trick you you can trick your mind”

“So the good I enjoy the bad Well I welcome the fight fuck having an easy time, normal brains are for the weak :)”

Keep Going ?

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

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Last week I finally became a man

G’day all, how’s it hanging?

This will be a short post and unless you were with me last week you probably won’t understand what the hell I’m going on about but hey ho if you’ve read my stuff before you know this is how I roll….

I’ve just spent the last week in Corfu, it was amazing, hotel was shite, staff at the hotel were shite, food at the hotel was shite, BUT the people were absolutely amazing, two in particular (xx).

It was all inclusive, lol, so everyone was drinking ALL DAY, which at times was difficult but doable and very enjoyable although sometimes a little annoying, bloody drunkards, lol. I spent a lot of my time with the two most amazing people I have ever had the honour to spend time with!!!!

I spoke openly, as always, about being a mentalist alcoholic and people want to talk about there experiences of this world which is awesome. Of course me being me I did a lot of selling exboozehound but although probably very annoying it is now my “work” being exboozehound is why I am here, it’s my destiny…. (Don’t worry I haven’t gone all flowery n shite, I’m just in touch with my inner “Poof!” (No offence intended with that word, it’s only a word and I ain’t intelligent so my vocabulary is limited to neandathol words)).

I’m gunna leave it there….

Make sense at all? Probably not!!

Will it make sense to some people? I bloody hope so!!

If you were there last week and you feel you can add a comment please do, I have to approve all comments and if you want it to be anonymous just add it to the comment and I will remove your name xx

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




Life

Life…. It’s a bit weird at times….Movie Underworld: Blood Wars (2016)

It was my 41st birthday a few days ago, and through all the shite of mental illness oddly I had the best birthday I have ever had, yes there were noggin buzzing moments but, and I hate to say it (I don’t really) if you “enjoy the good and ride out the bad” all will be cool 🙂

On the Saturday I met up with the lads, we were going out at half 7, fairly civilised, then I got a text from P saying L was picking him up at 18:15 and they were going for a few “cokes”…. The first thought that went through my head was “K we are 41 now not 17, lol, this is going to get messy!” And it did, but messy in a good way!!!Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)

At one point we were standing around a table, and L announced “we haven’t grown up at all in 25 years….” He was completely and utterly right, we haven’t, not one bit. It was around this time my face started to hurt from laughing and it continued to get more painful. I would love to be able to say the conversation was intelligent and thought provoking but if I did say that I would by talking out my posterior.

At other points of the evening my noggin was all over the shop, but I just went outside and had a fag or at one point I found a paper and sat down on a table by myself and read it a bit. A couple of the lads noticed I was being a bit odd and said come on Mans get here, but once they had said it once they knew I need a bit of space. Then BG said “your a photographer come and take some photos” quite a compliment in a way but I hadn’t got my camera with me and most of the lads had decent phones and you don’t need to be a photographer to take a snap with a phone. I however had only got a crappy old temporary phone cus my iPhone is…. Erm…. Not working at the moment.

Throughout the evening I had a couple of fairly grown up conversations, very short grown up conversations…. The one on politics ended with me saying “let’s face it all policitians are c*n*s, end of conversation, no point in discussing it further cus I’m right…. Come on H next boozer”. We also had a conversation about teachers but I avoided that one cus W has very strong views on teachers…. I also remember a conversation about Health & Safety, sounds grown up doesn’t it, not entirely….

We ended up in a club I guess, it had got flashing lights n stuff so yeah must of been a club? I paid £5 to get in and had to leave after about 45 minutes cus my noggin had gone. During that 45 minutes I had a heart to heart with LG, very emotional at times but also very funny and childish 🙂 .

I left just saying I was going to the other soba one and went to retrieve my car from what was basically a private car park…. It took me a while to find my car, lol, and I drove on my merry way, with my noggin buzzing in a bad way and a huge smile on my face.

My birthday was the best I have ever had for other reasons as well, other reasons that need to remain private all I will say is it involved two amazing people a birthday card and a dog 🙂 .

Right, is there a point to this post? Hold up is there a point to any of my posts? On the face of it most of the time there isn’t a point but if you think a bit you will find a point, I promise 😉 .

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

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Regrets

“its better to regret the things you have done than the things you haven’t”

This was the motto I decided to live my life by over 11 years ago whilst in the Woodbourne Priory, Booze Clinic on my Booze cruise to end all Booze crews, without Booze 🙁

When I analyse this motto (by the way I know its not the exact motto but I don’t care, I thought about googling the correct motto, the old Jon would of but the new Jon knows there’s more important things to worry about!!!) sometimes it makes sense and other times it seems like blox. But now, after yesterday evening it has a new conatation (bad spelling, maybe wrong word, dont care 🙂 ) 

Simply….

“its better to regret”

I regret last night, but the alternative is much worse and NEVER an option!!!! Not gunna explain that, “It is what it is”

I regret but I don’t and wont feel guilt, guilt is a waste of energy, for me if you feel guilt about something do something about it or “build a bridge and get over it” (words pinched from an amazing person, you know who you are x).

Last night for many many reasons Mental Illness got hold of me and controlled me, I fought it for hours and tried to stay in my logical and wise mind (Mindfulness) but in the end my emotional mind got hold of me and made a bit of a scene (mahoosive understatement!!)

So, i’m not going to build a bridge I’m going to do something about it.

If you were in Russells Hall A&E last night SORRY!! That sorry is for everyone, Staff, Patients and definitely for the three security guards, in particular for the dark haired one who appeared second and thank you to all three of you. I hope one day I will be able to meet you face to face and say sorry shake your hands and say thank you. To the reception ladies (probably not the correct title, sorry) you were amazing and I know you will continue to be amazing!!

However my apology is not for the two Noggin Docs…. You were pathetic, maybe you were trying to get a reaction from me but if you weren’t you need some new books!! I have now met some really amazing book monkeys but you two are the reason these words exist and will remain in my vocabulary.

Just as an aside the vending machine by the door owes me £1.80.

Will I regret this post? Probably

Is it what it is? Yup

Does shit happen? Yup

Am I calm today? Yup

Will I come out the other side? Yup

Why am I posting this? Now there’s a good question!!!!

I am posting this because anyone out there that is ever considering the alternative option, the one I wasn’t going to explain but will now….

“I’d be better off dead”

 

If you EVER think that, and I know you do, please KNOW it’s ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS!! You have fought and survived this far and there isn’t ANYTHING that can make that thought correct, there isn’t ANYTHING that you cant get through and come out the other side of, I promise you 100% ANYTHING is recoverable and you will get through it, FACT, FACT, FACT, FACT, FACT, FACT!

 

“From adversity comes strength”

 

Thank you bro for helping me through last night, you were and are amazing!!!! I will keep your texts forever to remind me of what an Amazing, Loving, Intelligent, Strong, person you are and how fortunate and blessed I am to have a bro and a friend like you. If I could make one request though, please stop dressing smart cus you put me to shame and make me look like Shrek!! 🙁 😉 x

I am changing my sign off from Keep Smiling to Keep Going because although smiling is good it can also be so false!!!!

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
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#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




John Fryer lives on and will save lives with Jon Mansell aka exboozehound

OOF!! I have put my surname, I know I have done this before by mistake but today I have done it intentionally…. I bang on all the time about not being ashamed of who and what I am, a Mentalist Alcie :-O but then I try (and fail appallingly) to keep my FB and Twitter accounts separate at times, what a tool!!! (that’s growth that is back in the day “tool” would of been count but I don’t type the word count anymore its a county thing to type).

A while back I planned to keep everything completely separate for the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out, but they insisted I didn’t, so from now on if I have to get my tackle out to make a point I will (urgh!!) as long as its a warm day and i’ve employed a fluffer 😉

Right that’s my usual blox out the way (we all know there is more blox to come don’t we, but that is me…. like it? cool don’t like it? cool

John Fryer is a guy I never met, he took his own life in 2003, in fact he took his own life 21/4/2003. I might have this wrong but he was born in 1973 (possibly 1974 but that would make my point have less impact and hey i’m a publish author now so I’m aloud a little “artistic” license) his mom loves him dearly and from what I can tell he is an awesome person, he is a lot like me…. “Mental but Magic”.

He likes Motorbikes, he fell off a lot of motorbikes (numpty), I got knocked of mine dude that’s the manly way to do it, having said that you got back on and I bottled it, so your the bigger man! I still miss my motorbike I was just about to do the big bike license and then some bloomin foreigner in a left hand drive car thought it would be clever to turn right from the left hand lane on an island and hadn’t spotted me in the right hand lane…. In that split second I thought flip me this aint gunna go well, if I go to my brakes i’m gunna come of worse so I decided to go will the flow and tickle his car with my bike, body and soul…. ow! So I tickled the back panel of the motor, bounced off and tickled the passenger door, once I’d had enough of tickling, I hit the deck. My first thought was “i’m in trouble with the misses we’re going on holiday in a couple of weeks” my next thought was “I cant feel my leg” my next thought was “course you cant feel your leg you tool you have a motorbike lying on it”. The “Germans” got out of their car and said “We didn’t see you, we heard a bump and thought something had fallen off the car” it had you numpty, that thing falling off your car was me!!!

John likes music, I will be benefiting from this fact cus his mom has said she would like to give me his music, do I have shame benefiting in this way? nope, do I feel honoured? yup. Will John be saying don’t give that numpty my music? probably. But I promise I will look after it dude!!!!

John likes to wind his mom up, I like to wind his mom up, I consider it a fun pastime (sorry JF x). I like to wind my mom up (sorry mommy, love yoooooo x).

John and me would of got on, and we will get on because we are going to work together, we are going to cause trouble together, we are and have saved lives together. John if I have ever referred to you in the past tense or refer to you in the past tense any time in the future I am wrong, I hope your Mom, Dad and Sisters will allow me to continue your life through me? I know its a bit of a come down for you dude, i’m a Black Country crossed with a Brummie but i’ve got a good heart and I believe in you and me.

There was so much more I wanted to say but all of a sudden my noggin has switched off, as you know dude this happens to us mentalists…. but also as we know this happens to them normal’s as well they just aint intelligent enough to know whats going on

I dropped your mom a message earlier to ask if I could write about you today, I don’t think I have had a response yet but I haven’t looked because I am trying (and again failing) to write this mindfully. I am going to publish this as it is now, i’m not gunna read it back cus I dont want to change anything, I want it to be from the heart and the badly wired up noggin, I know you will understand that and I guess you will probably like the fact that it might wind your mom up 😉 ….

I aint gunna RIP you dude, cus you aint got time to rest we have work to do, we have trouble to cause, we have changes to make, we have lives to save and I have not one shred of doubt we will do this in our own inevitable way…. badly at times but honestly (maybe with a little bit of manipulation, cus I have a feeling you can be manipulative as well, but you aint got my manipulation powers dude i’m a master of the art neh a master of the trade 😉

RIP, pah Ride In Purity (soz best I could come up with)

Keep smiling 🙂

#timetotype
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#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

WARNING THIS WILL BE CONFUSING

It is 00:26 10/4/2014 and I have an urge to write something, as it is 00:26 and a new day has just begun it gives me the perfect opportunity to insert this….
today tomorrow
Believe me what you have just read may make no sense what so ever but you aint seen nothing yet!!!!

I don’t know if I’ve done a post before with the same title as this, I could check but I cant be arsed. Does it matter? Nope it’s insignificant in the scale of things….

Before I continue you need to know that I am currently of sound mind, possibly a little manic. Not for the first time recently someone has said to me tonight “it’s like you are on speed”….

Over the last few days I have had awesome times and I have had horrendous times, I’m not gunna explain that statement in too much detail but I will give a rough guide….

Horrendous times:-

  • Yesterday specifically between 11:00am and 12:00pm I had an HORRENDOUS time and during this time I said out loud to a relative stranger “I’m tired of it all” and blubbed like a baby, they caught me off guard and said just a few words, I cant even remember what they were but with those few words they unpicked the web I have spun around myself and “done me up good and proper” (wrong words but these are the words that went through my noggin). Nope I aint giving any further explanation at this point, soz.
  • There have been other horrendous times in the last couple of days but these have all been of my own making and involved no-one else so they are staying locked away.

Awesome Times:-

  • Yesterday specifically between 11:00am and 12:00pm I had an AWESOME time and during this time I said out loud to a relative stranger “I’m tired of it all” and blubbed like a baby, they caught me off guard and said just a few words, I cant even remember what they were but with those few words they unpicked the web I have spun around myself and “done me up good and proper” (wrong words but these are the words that went through my noggin). Nope I aint giving any further explanation at this point, soz. (If you are paying attention you may have noticed you have read those words fairly recently, I will give further explanation shortly.)
  • Tuesday Night
  • Wednesday Morning
  • Last Night
  • Now

I don’t think this is going to be quite as confusing as I was thinking cus all the stuff I had in my noggin has just dissapeared, DOH!!

However I will explain what I guess you are struggling with in the way of one of those spot the difference games….

How many differences are there between the words in Red and the words in Blue?: –

Horrendous times:-

  • Yesterday specifically between 11:00am and 12:00pm I had an HORRENDOUS time and during this time I said out loud to a relative stranger “I’m tired of it all” and blubbed like a baby, they caught me off guard and said just a few words, I cant even remember what they were but with those few words they unpicked the web I have spun around myself and “done me up good and proper” (wrong words but these are the words that went through my noggin). Nope I aint giving any further explanation at this point, soz.

Awesome Times:-

  • Yesterday specifically between 11:00am and 12:00pm I had an AWESOME time and during this time I said out loud to a relative stranger “I’m tired of it all” and blubbed like a baby, they caught me off guard and said just a few words, I cant even remember what they were but with those few words they unpicked the web I have spun around myself and “done me up good and proper” (wrong words but these are the words that went through my noggin). Nope I aint giving any further explanation at this point, soz.

I’ll give you a few seconds to ponder the differences….

How many differences did you spot?

Some will have spotted 2….

Some will have spotted 3….

But those who did spot 2 or 3 are in fact wrong….

(WTF is this numpty on about??)

There are actually no differences.

(This numpty is bonkers!!)

Would you like me to explain?

Sorry but i’m not gunna explain…. 🙂 🙁

I did say at the start this was going to be confusing….

Keep Smiling 🙂

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




OK (?)

G’day all, hope you are all well? I’m going to try to make this post more of a question, that’s the plan anyway. If you have been reading this blog and the comments you will be familiar with a guy called Alex, in one comment he said something along the lines of “I hate you blog sometimes because it makes me think” with that comment he basically hit the nail on the head. I often think too much and have said on many occasions “Thinking is Overrated”. The problem with thinking sometimes is it spirals out of control and drives you bonkers, but I started this blog because someone else got me thinking again, thinking in a different way. He thought very similar things to me which made me think “I am not as mad as a bucket of frogs, other people think like me, I am just unwell”. So I thought, I wonder if my thoughts could help others (and selfishly, me of course!), and from feedback I have had my thoughts and feelings do help others, so I am chuffed to bits!!! Maybe delusional thinking but…. Have I found my purpose??

Anyway, back to the question. I got an email yesterday from someone who has helped me in a major way during my “I’ve gone bonkers” period, part of that email went like this: –

“The manic thingy was quite normal for where you are at the moment. Feeling “ok” currently is a very fragile emotion currently. I won’t stop challenging you though, as you will be able to see how things are going. It will NEVER be a problem for me if it doesn’t work out. I know what great effort you are making.”

Oof!…… Has it got you thinking? Got me thinking straight away…..

“”OK” currently is a VERY FRAGILE EMOTION”

Oof!….. Here’s what i’m thinking, “OK” is perhaps the most tricky part of the recovery process, when you’re in the “pit of doom” you are in bed because you physically cant get out and if you do manage to drag yourself out of bed the whole day doesn’t really happen. When you’re feeling good it’s good but a bit of an alien feeling. When you’re feeling “OK” the up’s and down’s can happen many times a day and many times an hour, that’s tiring, that’s fucking hard work!

Now lets look at the last part: –

“It will NEVER be a problem for me if it doesn’t work out. I know what great effort you are making.”

That’s the sort of support I need, that’s the sort of support you should be trying to give to your loved ones because if they are still fighting, believe me they are making a great effort every day!! I am very lucky as I have so much support from family, friends (old and new), colleagues, Facebooker’s, Twitter’ers and of course you guys who take the time to comment on here. I am very lucky because my support team give me understanding and don’t judge me, maybe there are some in my support team that think Mental Illness is just in the mind and I should just pull myself together and have a good holiday, I can understand that as I have said before many times “I am a Neanderthal with depression, if I hadn’t experienced it I would be one of those idiots that says just pull yourself together”.

So a few questions to other peoples support teams: –

Are you giving that sort of support?

Are you helping rather than hindering?

Are you keeping your outdated, shite views to yourself?

Are you going to understand that your loved one isn’t making shit up?

If they had broken a leg would you think it was soft to have it plastered and they should just man up?

And one question to those who are fighting hard on a daily basis: –

Is “OK” ok or a fragile emotion that requires an awful lot of effort?

Keep Smiling 🙂

One more questions, does any of the above make any sense at all??

Psychiatrist appointment

So, initial Psychiatrist appointment is done and there is a “plan” in place. I don’t think I am ready to reveal all the details but basically increased meds, further referral and next appointment is at the end of January 2014.

The Psychiatrist was a really nice guy, a very clever guy I was with him for about 45 minutes and he already had me talking about stuff I haven’t spoken about for over 20 years, how do they do that?? Very often when I come away from meetings with the experts I feel I have let myself down because my “Jon” force field comes up and ensures I cant be completely honest and open. For so long now I have been “Jon” on a daily basis, smiling, joking, talking an awful lot of bollox, people seem to like “Jon” and Jon doesn’t understand this, they like “Jon” and would not want to know Jon. Confused, welcome to my world.

Anyway, my force field was up a little, always going to be on the first meeting I guess, but I am proud to say I cried. Of course I apologised for this but as the psychiatrist said “if you cant cry in front of your psychiatrist where can you cry”. He dug around a bit and pushed a few buttons, a couple of good buttons, he got me thinking in a different way about some of my thoughts, which was both painful and interesting. I came away feeling a bit more positive, I have finally started the process, I am finally on the books, in the system, I have somewhere to call or go when I am desperate and if I am desperate I can get an emergency appointment, this is progress. 🙂

However……..

My next appointment with the psychiatrist isn’t until the end of January, the other referral thing wont happen until the end of February or March and if you saw a previous post “You need therapy the queue is 2 months” I have quite a wait for other needed therapy. I know in the whole scheme of things these few months wait aren’t huge, after all I have been diagnosed depressed for over 20 years, but and this is a big BUT the thought of more daily pain, ups and downs, not working, not earning, not being able to do stuff because of “The Fear” (I stole that phrase of someone else, they use it in a different way but I think it is so descriptive I decided to pinch it (soz x)) those thoughts and many others scare the Sh*t out of me. Am I going to be able to cope, am I going to be able to keep fighting, is Christmas going to destroy me, will I eventually just shut down?

Last night I had a great laugh on Facebook and Twitter with some awesome people, I’ve had a bit of a joke this morning as well, I posted some of my pictures on FB and woke up this morning with 11 notifications liking and commenting on my photographs which fills me with absolute joy. Yesterday I was DM’ing on Twitter with someone who is going through a hard time but she deals with it and we both take time to support each other (we have never met but we are supporting each other, I hope she feels the same?), I’ve made contact with a great guy called Danny Baker from Australia, Billy Idol RT’d one of my tweets, I have had some fantastic messages on this blog, FB & Twitter, I’ve had a letter today from St James’s Palace and so on… all these things are brilliant and positive, but still inside I’m a loser, I am weak, I have wasted 40 years, I hate now and the future scares the sh*t out of me!!! I have been invited by a friend (a friend of friends a diamond geezer) to spend some time with him this weekend and take photos of a gig he is playing, but I just cant do it, I have had lots of other “come and visit me” messages but at the moment I just don’t have the strength to travel and cope for long periods of time. I will get there but it is so so hard I am struggling to think about leaving the house today, I will but I know it will be hard (pathetic!).

Without Facebook, Twitter, this Blog, awesome family and some awesome people I wouldn’t be here now, so even though I feel like I am rambling now, I think my point is:-

Talk, Post, Tweet and share your thoughts and feelings, help on the NHS will come, but it will be slow so you need support from elsewhere. Your friends might be shocked you are unwell, but they will be amazing. People you don’t even know will be amazing. Bollox to the #stigma thing if you are fighting a mental illness you are a STRONG person because you are still fighting.

Be careful though what you do share, I made a comment on a “celebrities” (unfortunately I cant use the proper C word!!) tweet and spent the next few hours fielding abuse from their followers, it was very unpleasant and a bit triggery. I backed down straight away because I didn’t have the strength to fight so many people. Sometimes you have to back down to look after yourself, sometimes it is ok to be negative, that’s how you feel and fighting it all the time is hard hard work.

*Importantly these are just my thoughts and opinions, sometimes they help me sometimes they hinder me and I don’t always agree with me and you don’t have to agree with me either they are just thoughts and opinions!!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂