Booze and Depression

Ok, first of all I will stress that these are only my opinions and experiences.

For me I think my depression and alcoholism run hand in hand, like a lot of people I started drinking “down the tip” at about 14, cider, thunderbirds, something I think was called Scotsmac and I remember one particular bad decision one night to get pissed on QC Sherry (still can’t smell the stuff without feeling sick!). I don’t really remember when it got out of hand, probably from day one. When I went to Cavos with the lads when I was about 19 I had the temporary nickname of Olly Reed, to be fair I think another one of the guys was Keith Chegwin and there was another one tagged with an alcoholics name, I cant remember what that one was, probably George Best.

It is fair to say a lot of booze was drunk on that holiday and to be honest every time we went out. All the lads were drinkers, but if i’m honest I think I was different because I was the one getting the “Drunk and Disorderley’s”. The first time I was arrested was for trying to steal a policeman’s hat outside a local pub. I was later to be banned indefinitely from that pub and the next time I went in, while the land lord was on holiday, I got the shit beaten out of me. I don’t remember the beating at all, it involved 3 people from what I have been told one of them “karate chopped” me in the throat and then a fat C**t sat on my chest and beat me unconscious, which lead to all my front teeth having to be capped. There are many other stories that still to this day cause me a lot of shame, but I think the above is enough to demonstrate it was out of hand.Roblox Robux Hack 2017

I think I knew by the age of 20 I was an alcoholic it took me 10 years before I went into the booze clinic to do something seriously about it. I class that as 10 wasted years.

So why do I say booze and depression run hand in hand. I remember being a very shy kid, to the point that if I was washing my dads car on the drive and people were walking up the road I would hide. At 14 booze gave me some confidence, by 18 I was on antidepressants and by 20 I knew I was an alcoholic. Of course I may have suffered with depression even if I wasn’t an alcoholic but I feel the abuse of alcohol made things worse. Yes I dealt with the booze issue 10 years ago but I then just plodded on with life and the depression. Now I am 40 and have had what I can only describe as a mental breakdown, I don’t think the doctors use that term anymore but that’s the only way I can describe it. 10 years on from sorting out the booze issue I am “clinically depressed” with people using phrases like “disability”, “Mental Illness”, “Mental Health” (which I find very scary!!). I am waiting to see a psychiatrist (a very long wait but that’s a story for a different time!!!), waiting to see about other types of therapy, I have people from mental institutions calling me to give me “crisis numbers”, I am speaking with mental health charities. Its fair to say life is not a lot of fun at the moment and I class this 10 years after the booze clinic as another 10 wasted years.

During the 10 years from 20 to 30 I did things like not drinking for a couple of weeks to prove I wasn’t an alcoholic, but this is bull***t, all that does is it gets people off your back for a short while. All through the time I wasn’t drinking I knew I would be able to drink again soon. I also knew I would have to be cleverer and drink a bit when no-one was watching, try and behave a little better, it’s all bollox. It is said you have to hit “Rock Bottom” before you get off the booze, this is probably true, but let me tell you if you know you are an alcoholic “Rock Bottom” is fu**ing horrendous do something about it before you get there!!! They also say “you have to want to give up” i’m not sure that is true, I didn’t want to give up, yes life was hard at the end but the bad bits disappear when you are pissed off your box, there is no better feeling than being completely out of it. Booze owned me there was nothing more important to me than booze, nothing!!

I believe the reason I am where I am now it because I plodded along, yes I had accepted the depression, I had accepted life was miserable. I kept fighting it getting more and more tired, struggling harder each day to get out of bed and getting on with it, putting on my “Jon” mask every morning over and over again and eventually something just exploded in my head, I couldn’t fight it anymore. I believe if I had been more direct with my doctor and asked for more help sooner I would still be doing the job I love.

Please don’t let booze and depression begin to own you because when it does it will f**k you up!! You can give up the booze even if you love it as much as I did, I still miss it. From what I read now on Twitter and Facebook and plenty of other websites you can still have a great life with a mental illness but if you let it own you life will seem pointless, don’t get to the stage that you purposely get out of bed and get dressed for the sole reason to go and say goodbye to the cats before you throw yourself of a car park.

Get some help, help on the NHS will be hard and slow to get and the “system” will drive you mad, but keep going. When you are thinking its never going to get better it will seem real, it seemed real for me a couple of months ago. Now is still horrible for me I had to leave my brothers bonfire party earlier tonight I walked up the road in tears, but I do know I will come out the other side sooner or later.

Keep smiling 🙂

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4 thoughts on “Booze and Depression”

  1. Please keep writing this blog bro,iwas going to say there are so many bits I agree with but it’s like you’ve written my story for me. Seeing it written down has stirred up memories of the last 20 yrs of my life , hang in there brother and always remember that we’re only 2-3 miles away from each other …parallel lives eh ?

    1. G’day Kevva, Cheers chief I must do something about travelling those 2-3 miles in the very near future. I think you have just helped me a lot to keep going with the blog as what you have said shows that we are not mad (well maybe a bit!) we are not alone, the struggles people think they are going through alone could be the struggles that someone else they know are going through but because we are Men (sort of) we wont speak about it. People have to know they can get help, they can talk to there mates about things and there mates will be there for them. Cheers Kevva 🙂

  2. Hi Mate, I really dont know what to say after reading this, just that I want you to know that I am reading it and feel for you, I think as you said we all knew you had a problem from a very earlier age with the alcohol but when your mates are all 20 year old blokes in a drinking culture out every weekend it must have been a nightmare, would we have been able to help as selfishly we were ok !!! how can you ask those mates for help !!!! you couldn’t, and there must be loads of young men out there today in the same boat .
    If you had those wasted years back again would you have said more to us Jon ???, how would you go about it if you were 20 again knowing what you know now ???
    Oh and I think I was “Jimmy Greaves ” but I did not have the demons !!!!

    Keep your chin up Jon and keep writing mate

    1. G’day Kev, Thank you for your comment it means a lot!! It was a nightmare but also a lot of fun. I don’t think there was anything else you guys could of done, you did what you could and looked after the mess that I created and put up with me. Knowing what I know now I think I could of asked you guys for help but I don’t think I wanted to, I had to take the bad because I needed the liquid of life (now known as the Devils Liquid). I think you are right there will be loads of young men going through the same thing, perhaps I now have the opportunity to help some of them?? If I had those years back, Yes I would say more to you guys and other people in my life. I guess there are so many things I would like to change the main things would be getting help sooner for both booze and depression, but I cant go back so have to change it now and get me a good life.
      Yes it was Jimmy Greaves, i’m glad you used the word demons it’s a word I use a lot, it sums things up well.
      Cheers Kev 🙂

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