Great question “when you going to stop moaning and manup”, I was going to ignore this but today I am angry and fed up so lets answer it.
Firstly I agree with you whoever you are and I also think, sorry know, you are a moron. There will be a lot of contradictions in the following but in the confusion I hope there will be some understanding??
I, like you, do not give a sh*t about me, this will change and does change day to day. In fact if I had more guts I would not be here, but fortunately I have fight in me and more importantly compassion for others, fight and compassion are probably the two things I like about me. The question you put to me is a question I ask myself all the time, well very similar, the way I ask it is “why don’t you strap on a pair and get on with it you F pussy?”. The answer is I can’t, I want to but I just can’t and to my mind that is pathetic.
I agree with the “manup” (although I think it is actually Man Up (two words!!)) I should man up, I should stop crying at nothing, I should stop pretending not to see people because I can’t face them, I shouldn’t find popping to B&Q for a couple of little things to build something, I know will be crap, extremely tiring and about all I can cope with today, I should be back at work, I shouldn’t find it difficult to go back home to see my cats and then get upset because I am wonder if they think I have abandoned them and don’t love them anymore, I shouldn’t drive down a bypass or a motorway and think to myself if I put this in the barriers it will be all over, I shouldn’t be sh*t scared that Christmas is nearly here but those are the facts. They make no sense but they are real and I would put money on it that there are others out there that think exactly the same.
On the other hand I think I am actually a very strong man, a man who has been fighting against depression for over 20 years and up until fairly recently I won that battle most of the time. Part of me hates the fact that I have given in and let depression beat me, part of me thinks I am actually for the first time fighting the battle properly and concentrating solely on it to do something about it rather than plodding along like I have for the last 20 years. I lay in bed again last night telling myself I have wasted a life and at the age of 40 everything has been a complete waste of time. I put it to you that a man that thinks like that and can still get out of bed in the morning is a strong man.
I started this blog because I happened across a guy called Danny Baker from Australia and I read his memoir, it seemed to switch back on the fight in me and I wondered if I could switch the fight back on in others. I thought whats the worst that could happen, people could think I am a complete w**k*r but I think I am anyway so that cant hurt me. I have kept going with this blog because a number of people have asked me to and let me know that I have helped them, either for them or for someone they love. Finally maybe I have found a point to me, maybe I am here to go through pain so I can help others, maybe I am just delusional and more ill than I can accept.
The reason I am “moaning” is because one of the things that I find difficult is the “am I mad?” question, the thoughts that go through my head don’t make any sense they are not rational but when I started reading other peoples words on the internet I realised other people think in the same way and for some reason that gives me some relief and I hope that me writing the stuff I do can give others relief. Mental Illness is horrendous, the experts don’t seem to know how to fix it and to get to see the experts is a long frustrating battle that people do not need when they think they are worthless anyway. When someone says to you “you need therapy and we will see you in 2 months” it destroys something else in you. I am (today) at the stage that I feel I have been written off I feel that what the NHS are basically saying to me is “what we will do now is just maintain the nutter, he will be ok on benefits”. I might get the right treatment eventually but now I have to battle the fact that I was right I am a failure at life I am not worth helping.
There is a lot of stuff out there about being positive and driving forward with Mental Illness, taking it a day at a time, getting better slowly and I guess that is all great advice but things like Mental Illness and Alcoholism are not positive things there is a lot of negativity and we need to talk about that too.
There is a lot of stuff about stopping the #stigma about mental illness and the stigma should stop, but do I believe it will ever stop, I’m afraid my answer to that question on this day at this time is NO!!!
Anyway thank you for the question, I don’t know if you are a man or a woman but to tell me to “manup” and to fill in “Name” with AA and “Email” with AA@AA.com isn’t very manly I would say it is a bit cowardly, if not a little funny “AA” very clever :). I hope I have answered your question to your satisfactory and I hope not to here from you again!!
Keep Smiling 🙂