Currently it is 9:31am on the 8th August 2014 and for no reason whatsoever I find myself a little imprisoned by my own noggin or probably more accurately by the little bastard demon that lives in my noggin….
- Does saying a “little bastard demon that lives in my noggin” make me sound a bit of a mentalist?
- Am I admitting to having evil voices in my head?
- Should I just keep my weird ramblings to myself?
Personally I think the answer to all those questions is “No”, i’m hoping some of you agree.
- Why do I keep talking bollox in a very open way?
- Why don’t just shut up and get on with life?
- Does anyone give a shite about my ramblings?
- Cus people tell me it helps them. Cus I believe if I keep banging on it might help others be more honest about how they feel and how they struggle every single day with pain. Cus I hope people will realise that being “odd” being a “mentalist” or simply just having an illness is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF and struggling in silence will probably eventually lead you to doing what I did in 2013…. Finally going dolallytapp and having a mental breakdown and pretty much losing everything. Don’t get me wrong, what happened to me in 2013 is probably the most positive thing that has ever happened to me but it does make returning to “normal” life almost impossible, especially if you decide to open your bonkers nogginÂ to everyone who can be arsed to listen. Still a positive thing though…. Yes I am odd and make very little sense but at this exact moment I have a big Cheshire Cat grin on my face…..
- Cus I cant, not yet.
- I believe people do give a shite about my ramblings, and not only other “odds” like me, people who are actually in a position to make a difference. (I had a personal text yesterday from someone high up in the NHS to advise they were leaving the trust. I bumped into someone last week who works for the NHS and said they are reading my blog, they cant comment on the blog because they work for the NHS but they love what i’m doing and encouraged me to keep going 🙂 )
So, “Getting to know our demons” whats this all about? it’s about the nonsensical world some of us live in. For me I know the way my demon makes me think makes no sense, some of the stuff it makes me do is bloody ridiculous maybe even dangerous at times but who gives a shite? We all do or say daft things at times. Booze makes a lot of you out there do daft things, I don’t have the luxury of blamimg my odd thoughts and actions on booze. In a way my illness is my booze these days…. Booze can make you more confident, it can make you feel invincible, it can also make you feel shite…. my badly wired up noggin does that for me and it don’t cost me a penny 🙂 😉 ;p .
Today my Demon is telling me some pretty shite things…. Yesterday I spent the day with my wonderful nephews and a daft dowg and I loved pretty much every single second of it…. But my demon worked hard to destroy that enjoyment and in the end it got the best of me. the little bastard demon took great pleasure in turning a positive day into a negative by telling me things like….
- Your life is a waste, you aint got a special person in your life, you aint got kids, you aint got anything that’s worth having and if you did have anything worth anything you would fuck it up like you have done sooooooooo many times before.
- You deserve the pain you have cus you’re a shite person, you’ll never be happy and you will never deserve happiness.
- People look at you and see the hateful, horrible c**t you’ve always been.
- etc, etc, etc
Told ya my demon was a little bastard didn’t I!!!!
I’m guessing your demon is a little bastard as well?
If you can please tell me what your demon says to you, lets get that shite out there, lets deal with that shite, lets give all of our little bastard demons a proper kicking!!!!
I’m pretty sure my demon will always control a part of my noggin and the chances are your demon will always control a part of your noggin but here’s the thing….
MY DEMON AND YOUR DEMON IS WRONG, YES THEY ARE VERY CONVINCING AT TIMES BUT THEY ARE WRONG AND LYING TO YOU…. DON’T LET THE LITTLE FUCKERS TAKE YOU DOWN AND IF THEY DO ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET BACK UP AND KEEP GOING. YOU HAVE WON EVERYDAY SO FAR AND YOU WILL WIN EVERY SINGLE DAY IN THE FUTURE….
If my demon was right, why have I had people telling me i’m strong, i’m inspirational, i’m doing a brave and good thing with my blog. Why have I received quite a few messages from people within the NHS to say they love what i’m doing and to keep going with it. Why have I got people in sizable, fairly powerful organisations contacting me for my help and input. Why are people on Twitter using my account to publicise their accounts. Why does the local MP listen to what I have to say?
Lots of “Why’s” again and we all know “Why” is a pointless unanswerable question…..
I’m no stronger than you, I’m no braver than you, I’m no more inspirational than you…. I just made the decision, possibly the wrong decision, to stand up and be countedÂ and use my huge gob to try and make a difference….
Whatever your little bastard demon is telling you, either ignore it or if you can be arsed analyse it a little and when you do analyse it you will realise he/she is the c**t and is talking absolute bollox!!!!
If you can, please tell me what your demon tells you, it will be the same as what other peoples demons tell them and to know other demons talk the same bollox will show to us all we are not alone, we are not mad, we are not bonkers, we are not nutjobs we simple have an illness, a mental illness and it’s nothing to be ashamed of!!!!!
Keep Going 😉
oh and don’t forget my book