G’day all, the day is here…….aarrgghh!! This is the day you have been dreading for weeks, maybe even months but it is here and the world hasn’t and wont end…. it’s just a day!
Personally I have been fairly ill (mentally) over the last few days, i’m not sure if it’s the drugs (prescription!) or today, I have been manic for days, everything has been going at 100 miles an hour, emotions have been up and down….. a lot!!! During a really strong manic, anxious, shaking, “i’m mad”, “I can’t take this anymore”, “whats the point”, “I’m useless” etc etc… phase recently I noticed the only thought about suicide I had had was “I haven’t thought about suicide” WTF!!!!! AWESOME!!!!! Then I thought back…. I was in Asda car park the other day and I didn’t think about a trip to the top and a very quick trip back down again WTF!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!….. Driving on the motorway the other day I didn’t think about putting the car into the barrier I just smiled about the destination WTF!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!
Sorry about the lack of *’s in the following language…
This is Fucking awesome Fucking progress 🙂
I went to my first AA meeting in years last night, not because I am worried about the booze (Step 1 translated to exboozehound language.. Want it, cant have it, simple!). There were a number of guys there that sat in the room when I was an inmate at the Woodbourne Priory and gave us there knowledge and experience of drinking and sobriety, these guys are from completely different worlds to me but the stories they told were almost exactly the same as my stories and the stories of my fellow inmates. I wondered if they would recognise me and they did, they greeted me with a big smile and a strong hand shake, one of them took the opportunity to call me “Trouble” (I liked that!!). They didn’t judge me for not coming back, they didn’t judge me when I shared about not being able to take the AA path like they did, I think they even agreed with some of my nonsense. The meeting was strange some of the shares made me feel good, some made me feel bad, some made me feel angry, some made me feel worried, I don’t think the meeting did me much good as I was a bit upset in a phone call I made after the meeting and I probably made a bit of a tit of myself but “It is what it is”….. I have been ill, I am ill, I want to be better so so much. At the end of the meeting a couple came up to me and said they understood my share, another guy questioned if I had a sponsor and asked “so you haven’t had a drink since 2003, without AA and without a sponsor, not one drink?”…………Nope :).
2014 is going to be a good year….. hold up, what if it isn’t, what if “shit happens” again, OK….. some time in the near future things will be good….”Jon”, Jon, Jonathan and exboozehound are going to come together and from what I have seen of him so far I think I am going to like him (possibly).
If you are struggling with the booze or mental illness or whatever it is there will be times that you “know” the pain will never end, I “knew” it with booze and I “knew” it with mental illness, but you have to try everything you possibly can to come out the other side. It will be hard and you will have set backs but you have to keep fighting, every time you get knocked down just get back up, every time you don’t think you can cope remember you have coped before, every time you feel a bit of happiness don’t beat yourself up about it you do deserve it, every time you have feelings you don’t recognise embrace them, every time you think a drink would be nice remember that’s bullshit, every time a coping strategy stops working find a new one, every time you think about ending it all remember that is not the answer. We will be well again, hopefully never “a normal” but just less bonkers….
Enjoy the good and ride out the bad
It is what it is
Today matters, yesterday’s gone, tomorrow’s up to you
Ahh Fuck it!!
Roar like a lion everyday
and of course……….
K E E P Â S M I L I N G Â 🙂
Hi Jon, I especially liked the last paragraph, the one beginning “if you are struggling”. We have to try so hard (our hardest, the hardest we can) to keep an open mind. What I take from this paragraph of yours, and it’s prob just my interpretation and not what you mean is this. A lot of the time we can FEEL we “know” something and because we FEEL it, we think it’s 100% true. Our thoughts and feelings are not always a true representation of reality. I think sometimes people prefer sticking to I KNOW as it reduces uncertainty and uncertainty = anxiety a lot of the time…… I hope I’m not hijacking your blog by the way! Alex
G’day dude, Merry Christmas. No your not hijacking the blog. Uncertainty does = anxiety (I think). I’ve met a guy recently who has suffered with depression for many years, he is now no longer depressed and says the main reason is his pension, I guess having a fixed income has taken away uncertainty. (I know he reads this blog, so I hope he doesn’t mind me using his thoughts and my interpretation?). I’m not sure that is what I meant, but it makes sense, I think what I was saying is there are times when there is no shred of doubt what so ever that you will spend the rest of your life bouncing of the walls and feeling horrendous. At times I was convinced that this was it, I had finally gone bonkers, this is me now…. and I 100% knew it would never get better, which is where the suicidal thoughts come in because death is better than the pain. Having known it was all over and was never going to get better and then finding some fight, getting better drugs, begging for help, and now being where I am now….. I KNOW I will beat this and if not beat it find away to live with it better. It is still very painful fairly often but I no longer want to die I just want to be well. Reality is a good word, what is reality? I for one have absolutely no idea, at 40 years old I now have to find my reality, I have to work out which feelings are good which feelings are bad, what thoughts are real, which pain is mental and which is physical. I was born in 1973, I was re-born in 2003 (Booze) and now I will be re-born again in 2014. I honestly feel like I have to start all over again, booze ended with rehab and mental illness is only going to get better with life rehab…… I hope that makes some sense?. Keep smiling 🙂 Peace out