Merry Christmas….. Bah Humbug

G’day all, the day is here…….aarrgghh!! This is the day you have been dreading for weeks, maybe even months but it is here and the world hasn’t and wont end…. it’s just a day!

Personally I have been fairly ill (mentally) over the last few days, i’m not sure if it’s the drugs (prescription!) or today, I have been manic for days, everything has been going at 100 miles an hour, emotions have been up and down….. a lot!!! During a really strong manic, anxious, shaking, “i’m mad”, “I can’t take this anymore”, “whats the point”, “I’m useless” etc etc… phase recently I noticed the only thought about suicide I had had was “I haven’t thought about suicide” WTF!!!!! AWESOME!!!!! Then I thought back…. I was in Asda car park the other day and I didn’t think about a trip to the top and a very quick trip back down again WTF!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!….. Driving on the motorway the other day I didn’t think about putting the car into the barrier I just smiled about the destination WTF!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!

Sorry about the lack of *’s in the following language…

This is Fucking awesome Fucking progress 🙂

I went to my first AA meeting in years last night, not because I am worried about the booze (Step 1 translated to exboozehound language.. Want it, cant have it, simple!). There were a number of guys there that sat in the room when I was an inmate at the Woodbourne Priory and gave us there knowledge and experience of drinking and sobriety, these guys are from completely different worlds to me but the stories they told were almost exactly the same as my stories and the stories of my fellow inmates. I wondered if they would recognise me and they did, they greeted me with a big smile and a strong hand shake, one of them took the opportunity to call me “Trouble” (I liked that!!). They didn’t judge me for not coming back, they didn’t judge me when I shared about not being able to take the AA path like they did, I think they even agreed with some of my nonsense. The meeting was strange some of the shares made me feel good, some made me feel bad, some made me feel angry, some made me feel worried, I don’t think the meeting did me much good as I was a bit upset in a phone call I made after the meeting and I probably made a bit of a tit of myself but “It is what it is”….. I have been ill, I am ill, I want to be better so so much. At the end of the meeting a couple came up to me and said they understood my share, another guy questioned if I had a sponsor and asked “so you haven’t had a drink since 2003, without AA and without a sponsor, not one drink?”…………Nope :).

2014 is going to be a good year….. hold up, what if it isn’t, what if “shit happens” again, OK….. some time in the near future things will be good….”Jon”, Jon, Jonathan and exboozehound are going to come together and from what I have seen of him so far I think I am going to like him (possibly).

If you are struggling with the booze or mental illness or whatever it is there will be times that you “know” the pain will never end, I “knew” it with booze and I “knew” it with mental illness, but you have to try everything you possibly can to come out the other side. It will be hard and you will have set backs but you have to keep fighting, every time you get knocked down just get back up, every time you don’t think you can cope remember you have coped before, every time you feel a bit of happiness don’t beat yourself up about it you do deserve it, every time you have feelings you don’t recognise embrace them, every time you think a drink would be nice remember that’s bullshit, every time a coping strategy stops working find a new one, every time you think about ending it all remember that is not the answer. We will be well again, hopefully never “a normal” but just less bonkers….

Enjoy the good and ride out the bad

It is what it is

Today matters, yesterday’s gone, tomorrow’s up to you

Ahh Fuck it!!

Roar like a lion everyday

and of course……….

K E E P  S M I L I N G  🙂

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