Hi all, this is a guest post and beleive me it is very powerful!!!
Oddly reading this has made me very proud!!
I will convert it to a post rather than a page at some point the only reason it is a page for now is cus I want my tribute to John Fryer to be seen by as many people as possible.
I usually edit any guest posts a bit to suit how I want them to read, but I haven’t touched this at all.
Sorry Awesome Lady
First of all I hope 100â€™s of people read this post that Jon is kindly letting me write as a guest. Secondly, I do not refer to myself as an alcoholic simply because I donâ€™t see the need to label someone, and plus it has negative connotations in a similar manner to calling someone a druggie! I mean people who smoke arenâ€™t labelled are they? Having said all that, I do drink and I am working hard to give it up and as my story goes on I will get to the point of why this post is headlined Sorry Awesome lady
Very quick description of me, I am a 45 year old male, from the UK (London) but am now living in Australia. I have two kids but have never married. I worked in marketing and communications in a variety of fields with my last role being with an organisation assisting people living with HIV. I was made redundant in September 2013 and have been looking for work ever since.
How I have become a drinker? I grew up in a very abusive environment. My father (who at the age of 14 I found out was my step father) regularly beat my mother and myself especially when he had been drinking. He was in the army and did see action in the Falklands, so perhaps he thought of himself as a hard nut, I donâ€™t know. One day and I remember this perfectly, he was on the piss, in his usual abusive mood and this is when I had my first drink I was 12 years old and my first drink was whisky. From there on in, anytime he was on the piss I would steal some of his whisky to help deal with either the beating I was about to receive or just to try and calm myself. I didnâ€™t do this every night by the way, but my upbringing was my introduction to the world of booze.
When I went into the big bad world I worked in advertising sales including OK magazine and the Daily Mirror, lots of advertising deals were closed in the pub, common denominator, booze. Being a media wanker as we advertising people called ourselves, we spent a fair bit of time clubbing in the city, common denominator, booze. I started DJâ€™ing, great way to pick up chicks and get paid for it, common denominator, booze. On holidays in Spain doing gigs there, scored with a shed load of women and had a whale of a time, common denominator, booze.
So as you can see, my development from kid through to adulthood has pretty much been defined by alcohol. From using it to deal with abuse to it being a prop in my work and social life, it is only now that I have finally admitted that I have a reliance on alcohol. Note the lack of a label, this isnâ€™t some self pitying crap but I place the blame firmly in the hands of that abusive fucker called my father. From a very early age I was taught that booze helps you manage the good and the bad. Wrong I know but up until recently it was working for me. I had a pretty good career, I earnt a quid or two Iâ€™ve worked in lots of countries, never got into fights and have generally been OK with things.
Incidentally, I gave up smoking around 7 years ago, I donâ€™t take drugs, I donâ€™t gamble and I donâ€™t hit women. Can I be a stroppy shit at times? Yes, I would be a liar if I said otherwise.
In a recent conversation with a certain someone I was told that I have spent my life self medicating after all the abuse from my childhood and that I have spent most of my adult life in one country or another as I am running from that abuse. London, Dubai, London, Sydney, Canberra and now a small country town in New South Wales, and I am planning on moving again within the next three months. Now I thought what was said was a bunch of crap until we really got into a deep conversation, and it started to make sense. I am running and yes self medicating. You will note from my brief background outline, that I have never married, I now realise that is because I just couldnâ€™t offer that kind of commitment. Iâ€™ve been in long term relationships but a wedding, no thanks, till now; get to that point in a minute (grab a coffee people if you need a break)
So where to now
I became pretty down after losing my job last year and started hitting the bottle pretty hard. This consists purely of red wine by the way; I gave up the liquor years ago as I sought to control my drinking. My then partner managed to help rack up a huge amount of debt on credit cards etc, to the point I am around $45, 000 in debt with no job. I was arrested for drink driving, but I wasnâ€™t charging down the highway I was in a car park and didnâ€™t even consider myself intoxicated I was perfectly fine (but thatâ€™s hardened drinkers for you so I accept the responsibility). The judge charged me $1, 500 in fines, license suspended for 2 years and 300 hours of community service. Yes, 300 hours. So I am stuck in this one horse country town, population of 2, 500 people or there about until I can knock 300 hours of free labour out of the way. And referring back to the ex partner, she is the mother to my two kids and we still share a roof together so you can imagine how much fun that is considering debt and the fact that I canâ€™t leave. But the boohoo doesnâ€™t stop there.
Last year I started playing a silly online game called Songpop and got chatting with a lady, we had very similar tastes in music, both going through a bit of a crap time in our lives and we just bounced our crap of each other. Eventually we started texting and then Skyping. This went on for the best part of 8 months, and I told her all about my life and recent arrest etc. We finally decided to meet and spent the weekend together. We made love several times and spent the majority of the other time (even at 2am) sharing a single pillow literally nose to nose, just holding each other, it was the most warmest comfortable feeling I have ever experienced and I tell her that even now, every day.
That person is Awesome Lady http://www.exboozehound.co.uk/the-evolution-of-awesome-lady/#comments Only three people know who she is, me, Jon and herself
Point of this you say? She is Tee-Total, zero tolerance for alcohol, and folks, booze never crossed my mind not once, not bloody once and looking back at that weekend, I donâ€™t need a bottle as prop, I need to stop running and believe in myself and maybe give myself the chance to actually love someone instead of a bottle.
We talk on the phone every single day and we are going to be together, she is separating as I am (well had already apart from logistics), we just need to sort out our individual crap such as me being stuck here in this one horse town. I can hear the female readers of this going awwwwhhhh!
Hereâ€™s the kicker, sheâ€™s 1200KM away, and will not have a bar of alcohol anywhere in her orbit and the other night I fucked up. I had a brain freeze, worked my way through 3 maybe 4 bottles of red and kept calling her. She had told me she was busy and I just kept going like a demented schoolboy, and that was the grog kicking in not me.
She literally has held my hand over these last several months, she has made love with me, she has just looked into my eyes and touched my face as I slept. She has supported me, laughed with me, cried with me and been there for me. But, I did that to her, she told me she was busy and because of the booze, I acted like a Pratt.
So the point to all this? Jon told me this, Awesome woman loves me but every time I have a drink I hurt her. I love this woman with all my heart and so the drinking stops. I’m getting over the booze, sure there are blips on the radar but by god I am going to be with that woman in a few months I love her far more than a cheap bottle of red, I’m doing this for me but boy look at the bonus I get as well.
Closing this, I want to do two things, firstly baby girl, I publicly apologise for acting like a complete fool the other night, it won’t happen again.secondly (I’ve already asked but hell I have the floor right now) will you marry me?
Thanks for reading people, stay safe and Awesome lady, I love you with every beat of my heart