83 days, 7 vlogs and many phases of Jon aka exboozehound

Thoughts and feelings

This could go on for a while and probably make little sense???

It is my guess that people who know me will be surprised at some of this stuff. Recently the same person has said to me twice “you don’t looked depressed”. The guy who said it meant no harm by it, in fact I think he meant it as a sort of compliment but it does make me think. “What does someone with depression / mental illness look like?”

I was diagnosed with depression when I was about 18, I think initially I was embarrassed and ashamed for having depression but for a long time now I have been open about depression and my alcoholism. I think I hoped being open might help other people and also take the pressure of me.

I say I have been open but only on the surface, what I mean by this is I could be having a laugh and a joke with you at work but inside I hated myself. One guy fairly recently at work said to me “I’ve never met anyone who slates themselves as much as you do” we laughed it off but I knew this was the real me coming to the surface fighting with the “Jon” who people see. There is a lot of acting when you are depressed and it is very tiring being something you are not on the outside and something your are on the inside. It is a huge battle and I think finally this battle destroyed me. Now I can act like “Jon” for only very small periods of time before it makes me feel like i’m going mad.

My uncle John used to say when he was really down “that the way we saw him at that moment was the truth and that everything else is play acting”. I am sure there will be a lot of people that understand this.

I accepted my depression a long time ago, I accepted that I would probably have to take pills for the rest of my life and I tried to keep going, I accepted that on the outside life looked good but on the inside life was f**king miserable and pointless. I had my ups and downs and always got over the downs. That is until June this year I couldn’t fight it anymore I had now had a down that I couldn’t beat. The silly thing is that it was something very small that pushed me over the edge, my company car had a light bulb out and a tyre that needed changing, all I had to do was make a phone call and drive down the road from work about 2 miles and get it done,  but it just blew my mind!!!!!

I’ve gone on more than I had planned so I am going to finish with a list of thoughts and feelings: –Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

  • Suicidal Thoughts – They are real and they are painful!
  • Buzzing in the head that leads to crippling lows that make me unable to move
  • Child like, Unmanly, no control
  • Useless, pathetic, pointless, waste of a life, waste of a human being
  • Very poor concentration
  • Very poor motivation
  • Things I used to enjoy no longer interest me
  • Everything I do is crap – In July/August my camera pretty much kept me sane, I cant pick it up now because every picture I take is crap and I don’t understand the settings and how to fix problems.
  • Very little energy – a month a go I could only do 8 press ups :(, I started doing them on a regular basis and got up to being able to do 25 :). I haven’t done any for a couple of weeks because I just cant find the energy or motivation to do them, pathetic!!
  • A thousand thoughts running through my head but I don’t know what any of them are and I cant control them
  • “Normal” life is over
  • I want to be in hospital
  • I’m never going to have another meaningful relationship
  • Do I hear voices or are they just my thoughts?

I cant think of anymore at the moment, it has taken over an hour and a half to write this and my concentration has gone!! I hope some of this makes sense, I am now fighting the “this is sh*t thoughts, just delete it, no-one is interested” but if it is sh*t who cares its just my thoughts as they are now, tomorrow they will probably be different anyway.

Please feel free to leave a comment and even subscribe to get updates when I post something new.

Keep Smiling 🙂

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);

A bit about booze

As the title of the blog suggests booze has played a part in my life, although it does’t now on a physical basis it definitely still does on a mental basis!! I still miss booze a lot, but I know I cant handle it. We will speak about booze a lot as we move forward, if you have read the “About Me” page you will know I was fortunate enough to be in BUPA through a company I worked for for many years.

I spent a month in The Woodbourne Priory, so basically for an excess of about £250 I received £15000 worth of residential treatment, mainly group therapy. A lot of the therapy was based around “The 12 Steps”, I struggled a lot with these steps for reasons that don’t really matter at the moment but eventually I got Step 1: –

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable

Step 1 for me is very important, I miss alcohol, I love alcohol but I cannot go back there.

I don’t know if my abuse of booze is why I am now labelled with “Clinical Depression” don’t get me wrong I am happy to be labelled as it makes sense of so much. I think this is an important point, I have been soba for 10 years and I feel if I went back to booze it would destroy me, one phrase I got from AA is “I have another drink in me but I don’t have another recovery in me”. With this in mind a few months ago when I was changing my medication from Cipralex to Sertraline I was a complete mess and wanted to die and this thought came into my head “Start drinking it will ease the pain and it will give you the strength to kill yourself”.

I’m going to leave it there, but please you HAVE to know if you want to give up booze IT IS POSSIBLE, it’s painful but it is possible.

Intro Post

Hi, check out the “About Me” page for a little about me. I thought I would start with some sort of disclaimers: –

1. I will contradict myself, if you suffer with mental illness I assume your thoughts and feelings change on a regular basis as well?

2. Everything I post will be honest, some things you may find disagreeable, that’s cool we can’t agree on everything, sometimes I don’t agree with myself!!

3. I am currently coming out (slowly) of a horrendous episode of depression, I think for the first time (I could be wrong?) the phrase Clinical Depression is being used, so obviously everything I do is crap, I am a waste of space, and I have had lots of suicidal thoughts.

I may have to add to these disclaimers later on because I can’t remember the others I had thought of (memory and concentration do not exist at the moment and every time I try to write thoughts down they make no sense, again if you suffer with a mental illness I assume you know exactly what I am saying?)

I think the last paragraph sums up why I decided to do a blog, to help me and hopefully to help others. For me “is what I am experiencing the same as others?” and For others “that guy thinks the same as me” (I hope so anyway).

I’ve just remembered another disclaimer: –

4. I will be using “politically incorrect” words like “Bonkers”, “Mad”, “Loony”, I mean no offence this is how I deal with it (right or wrong!!). For years I have called my antidepressants “Loony pills” have considered myself “Bonkers” and refer to myself as “As mad as a box of frogs”. I know people will disagree but I personally think we should use words that others use, to take back the words that are used to hurt us. Stigma is a big discussion point and so it should be, there shouldn’t be a Stigma about Mental Illness, it’s just an illness. Personally I have a Stigma against myself for my Mental Illness (not sure that sentence makes sense??) I fight daily with the turmoil in my head “am I ill or am I just lazy and pathetic?”

I think that will do for now, I hope you managed not to get bored I do tend to talk a lot of bollox, soz.

the good the bad and the ugly

Again I am not sure where this post is going to go……

If you have read previous posts you will know there are two of me “Jon” and Jon, unfortunately yesterday I seemed to of met another nutter popped in to say hi…. I think this might get a bit confusing!! I like “Jon”, I hate Jon and this new dude is awesome and an arsehole at the same time and arsehole is a very mild word. Lets see if we can break this bollox down??Watch Brothers (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Downloadn??

I had a really good weekend, there were highs and lows but I enjoyed the highs and I was allowed and I allowed myself just to let the lows happen, may sound a bit odd but it was pretty glorious, sort of being me (whatever that is?). In the morning yesterday I went to a meeting called “Coffee and Cope”, I didn’t want to go but sometimes I think I have to do things I don’t want to do. It was a good meeting, so I thought, there were lots more people there than usual, and I felt the panic of more people so I guess I had to bring “Jon” out to play a little more to protect Jon. “Jon” was great he was articulate he was caring, he gave and he received, he got on his soap box a bit, but overall he was great. But also Jon was there as soon as the mouth stopped moving Jon felt exposed, jumpy and a bit rocky, I don’t know if the rocking was internal or external and I guess it doesn’t matter.

A couple of things in that meeting had negative triggers for me and I began to spiral out of control inside. This was different “Jon” and Jon have been separate before and they have battled before but this time they were both there at the same time (F this is difficult!!) and seemed to want to control and challenge each other????? “Jon” is natural at times and forced at other times, i’m not sure what he is now? I seem to be getting so much better and a little worse at the same time, strangely I think this is a good thing (tomorrow I might think it is a bad thing?) there are a couple of good things happening at the moment, i’m not going to go into that now because I don’t think I want to analyze them. I think I might be leveling out, becoming real, perhaps becoming one person?

Yesterday I also got a call from the NHS about my formal complaint to advise someone is investigating the information I have provided them and will probably be arranging for a face to face meeting next week, “Jon” can handle this with his eyes closed, Jon would want to close his eyes and sit in a corner, but maybe this new guy will handle it and possibly handle it honestly and openly, that makes me happy :). We spoke on the phone for about 15 minutes I was articulate and pathetic at the same time, the guy from the NHS seemed to be a nice guy, i’m guessing his remit is to make the complaint go away, that might be me being unfair, but it wont go away I am prepared to go through more pain to make my complaint have a point and a positive outcome.

There have been a lot of people involved in anything positive that has been happening recently, the only person that has made the negative things happen is me, I don’t know if that is “Jon”, Jon or this new dude, it doesn’t matter really there is no point in trying to answer a question that there is no answer to.

Now I am at the end of this post I think I would class it as a purely selfish post, I don’t think the title makes much sense, some of the stuff I have written is bonkers but I am leaving everything the way it is because this is what is going on in my noggin.

If anything above makes sense, if you got anything from it, if any of it made you angry or you think I am a nutter, if you think you can tell me please tell me your thoughts.

I am selfish, I am bonkers, I am caring, I am giving, I am unwell, I am so many things but I am guessing most people are exactly the same but they just deal with the differences in a better way and just get on with it. Maybe “It is what it is” and “what happens happens” are going to turn me into a “normal”???

Keep smiling 🙂

specialitetapotek Allergi finns i 24 timmar Uppvisar sjukdomstecken som liknar den som liknar dina. Sedan 1970 var det apoteksmonopol i Sverige men detta monopol avskaffades 2009.

20bet Online Casino Perform Casino Games On Funds Together With 20bet

20bet 見るだけ

Typically The brokers know the inches in inclusion to outs of the particular website plus really try out to be able to assist .

Et Sportsbook Evaluation: Bet About Thousands Of Events

Help To Make positive to end upwards being in a position to revisit the particular page frequently as typically the checklist associated with sports never ever prevents increasing. When a person are usually one regarding all those that want to possess a more reasonable experience, pay attention up! Slot devices are always extremely well-known within on-line internet casinos in add-on to that’s the reason why 20Bet online casino includes a massive selection of headings in the catalogue. In complete, right right now there are even more than nine thousands of slot machine game games associated with typically the the the greater part of various designs plus types regarding gamers to enjoy. It won’t end up being long just before an individual acquire your 1st 20Bet bonus code. Help providers quickly verify all new balances in inclusion to give these people a move.

  • Right Right Now There is usually an special section regarding slot machines, exactly where an individual could see all available video games inside of which category.
  • Predictions are accessible in order to an individual once a day, the particular selection associated with sporting activities to bet on is almost limitless.
  • You can spot live bets on several diverse sporting activities, which include all popular professions.

Software Suppliers

  • Inside uncommon cases, these people could also inquire concerning a financial institution document or a great invoice to be in a position to validate your own details.
  • Once typically the cash is moved in purchase to your current bank account, help to make wagers upon occasions together with odds regarding at minimum 1.Seven in addition to gamble your own down payment sum at least a few periods.
  • Quickly games are usually increasingly well-liked among online casino gamers, plus that’s why 20Bet provides even more than a hundred choices inside this specific group.
  • The Particular most well-known reside supplier video games contain baccarat, poker, different roulette games, in addition to blackjack.
  • Any Time it comes to fair play, all bets have the same chances, whether gambling on sports or casino video games.

Quick video games are significantly popular among online casino players, and that’s why 20Bet provides more than one hundred options within this specific group. Amongst typically the online games accessible are extremely well-liked headings such as JetX, Spaceman, plus typically the crowd’s favorite, Aviator. 20Bet comes together with 24/7 customer support that speaks English plus several other languages.

Cozy Down Payment Alternatives

Almost All participants who else signal upwards with consider to a website obtain a 100% downpayment complement. An Individual may obtain upwards to $100 after making your 1st down payment. An Individual need to gamble it at minimum five periods in buy to pull away your own winnings.

20bet 見るだけ

シャッフルカジノ(shuffle Casino)とは

It usually will take fewer than 12-15 moments to procedure a request. A effective withdrawal will be confirmed simply by an e-mail within 13 hrs. Cryptocurrency is usually likewise obtainable with regard to everyone interested in crypto betting.

Et Online Casino と類似カジノの比較

  • In Addition To, a person may bet on the staff that scores typically the subsequent aim, typically the very first plus previous reserving, the moment any time typically the first goal will end up being scored, and therefore upon.
  • When a person have an bank account, you may make use of your current pleasant offer along with free gambling bets.
  • Impartial businesses regularly verify the particular games in purchase to verify their own fairness.
  • This Particular terme conseillé, on one other hand, tends to make it similarly convenient regarding higher rollers and folks upon a good budget to become in a position to place bets.

If you are usually passionate about casino online games, a person certainly possess in purchase to provide 20Bet a try. You’ll be happily surprised simply by the particular wide range associated with engaging online games obtainable. This Specific method, a person can more quickly discover your current preferred game titles or attempt some other online games comparable to the particular kinds an individual loved 20betcasino-link.com. A Person can quickly pull away all cash from typically the web site, which includes 20Bet added bonus funds.

20bet 見るだけ

Special promotions, distinctive gives, and also every week prizes are accessible in buy to Movie stars. The Particular greatest whales upon the site may from time to time receive individualized deals. 20Bet is usually licensed simply by Curacao Gambling Expert in inclusion to owned or operated by simply TechSolutions Party NV.

  • Overall, 20Bet will be a trusted location focused on participants regarding all ability levels in inclusion to finances.
  • Indeed, one regarding typically the best features regarding this specific website will be reside wagers that will let an individual place gambling bets during a sports occasion.
  • Basically place, all social video games where a person want in buy to socialize with some other individuals or even a dealer usually are accessible inside real time.

The Particular 2nd plus 3rd most popular procedures are tennis and hockey together with 176 plus 164 events respectively. General, 20Bet is usually a trusted spot tailored to participants associated with all skill levels in addition to costs. A Person could use virtually any downpayment technique other than cryptocurrency transactions in order to qualify regarding this particular welcome package. Besides, a person can choose nearly virtually any bet type plus wager upon several sporting activities concurrently. An Individual can’t pull away the bonus quantity, nevertheless you could obtain all profits received from the offer you. When a person don’t employ a great provide inside 14 days and nights right after generating a downpayment, the award funds will automatically vanish.