the good the bad and the ugly

Again I am not sure where this post is going to go……

If you have read previous posts you will know there are two of me “Jon” and Jon, unfortunately yesterday I seemed to of met another nutter popped in to say hi…. I think this might get a bit confusing!! I like “Jon”, I hate Jon and this new dude is awesome and an arsehole at the same time and arsehole is a very mild word. Lets see if we can break this bollox down??Watch Brothers (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Downloadn??

I had a really good weekend, there were highs and lows but I enjoyed the highs and I was allowed and I allowed myself just to let the lows happen, may sound a bit odd but it was pretty glorious, sort of being me (whatever that is?). In the morning yesterday I went to a meeting called “Coffee and Cope”, I didn’t want to go but sometimes I think I have to do things I don’t want to do. It was a good meeting, so I thought, there were lots more people there than usual, and I felt the panic of more people so I guess I had to bring “Jon” out to play a little more to protect Jon. “Jon” was great he was articulate he was caring, he gave and he received, he got on his soap box a bit, but overall he was great. But also Jon was there as soon as the mouth stopped moving Jon felt exposed, jumpy and a bit rocky, I don’t know if the rocking was internal or external and I guess it doesn’t matter.

A couple of things in that meeting had negative triggers for me and I began to spiral out of control inside. This was different “Jon” and Jon have been separate before and they have battled before but this time they were both there at the same time (F this is difficult!!) and seemed to want to control and challenge each other????? “Jon” is natural at times and forced at other times, i’m not sure what he is now? I seem to be getting so much better and a little worse at the same time, strangely I think this is a good thing (tomorrow I might think it is a bad thing?) there are a couple of good things happening at the moment, i’m not going to go into that now because I don’t think I want to analyze them. I think I might be leveling out, becoming real, perhaps becoming one person?

Yesterday I also got a call from the NHS about my formal complaint to advise someone is investigating the information I have provided them and will probably be arranging for a face to face meeting next week, “Jon” can handle this with his eyes closed, Jon would want to close his eyes and sit in a corner, but maybe this new guy will handle it and possibly handle it honestly and openly, that makes me happy :). We spoke on the phone for about 15 minutes I was articulate and pathetic at the same time, the guy from the NHS seemed to be a nice guy, i’m guessing his remit is to make the complaint go away, that might be me being unfair, but it wont go away I am prepared to go through more pain to make my complaint have a point and a positive outcome.

There have been a lot of people involved in anything positive that has been happening recently, the only person that has made the negative things happen is me, I don’t know if that is “Jon”, Jon or this new dude, it doesn’t matter really there is no point in trying to answer a question that there is no answer to.

Now I am at the end of this post I think I would class it as a purely selfish post, I don’t think the title makes much sense, some of the stuff I have written is bonkers but I am leaving everything the way it is because this is what is going on in my noggin.

If anything above makes sense, if you got anything from it, if any of it made you angry or you think I am a nutter, if you think you can tell me please tell me your thoughts.

I am selfish, I am bonkers, I am caring, I am giving, I am unwell, I am so many things but I am guessing most people are exactly the same but they just deal with the differences in a better way and just get on with it. Maybe “It is what it is” and “what happens happens” are going to turn me into a “normal”???

Keep smiling 🙂

4 thoughts on “the good the bad and the ugly”

  1. I’m new to the blog world. I think it’s okay to be selfish on a blog. By stating that, I’m not agreeing you ARE selfish with this post. I just think it’s okay to be selfish on a blog. You are expressing yourself! You are also seeking and encouraging feedback and/or constructive criticism. That’s being open minded and non-defensive in my book! I don’t know what your NHS complaint is about, I haven’t read your other posts yet. Will read up! Best wishes, Alex

    1. Cheers Alex, I think the selfish thing comes from my time in a booze clinic and they tell you you have to be selfish to beat the addiction. Also I do like to beat myself up, i’m bloody good at it 🙂 Keep smiling 🙂

      1. I had a sense you were good at beating yourself up! Don’t read too much into my comment here though, not been analyzing you in that way, just when you say you are good at beating yourself up, I can imagine you being so! I’m like that, I guess most people would also say the same. But as you probably know, sometimes we can take it to a level that is perhaps irrational and very unhelpful. To beat yourself up can help (I think) in that it can aid you / me / others reflect on “stuff”. I guess you got to get the “beating yourself up” at the “right level” (whatever that is) to stimulate self-reflection and awareness (and maybe even positive change), but not SO much it just drives the depression, low self-esteem and/or anxiety right up!! Random post of mine, was just browsing and felt like bashing out a few sentences, peace out and keep smiling 🙂

        1. Hi Alex, no probs you can analyze me at any time, if you do and have some feedback let me now, lol. I think you have hit the nail on the head with “I guess most people would also say the same. But as you probably know, sometimes we can take it to a level that is perhaps irrational and very unhelpful.” I have a feeling most of the those and feelings I have a lot of other people have, but I pay attention to them and build them to uncontrollable levels!! I wish I could find the “right level”, maybe one day? Not random at all chief, very helpful and insightful, keep them coming :). Keep smiling 🙂 and of course Peace Out!

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