Feeling Odd

I’m finding it incredibly hard to write stuff at the moment, I’m not sure why?

I’m finding it very difficult to pick my camera up at the moment, I’m not sure why?

I’m finding it almost impossible to work out why I am struggling with a few things and I’ve worked out what to do about it….

Nothing!!!! Well not quite nothing….

I wrote a piece for Governance International the other day and emailed it off fully expecting them to email back saying it was utter bollox, but they emailed back to say various things including:-

I’m absolutely delighted, this is great!….
This gives us a good reason to get back to the network with your blog in August….
Many thanks again for your great contributions, really appreciate your good thoughts and work!….

I’ve dropped someone a message today to say I need to check out the venue for their wedding party so I can get an idea of the lights and camera setting options for the night, to make sure I do the job right…. and I will, I always do…. That may sound a little big headed, but the fact is I’m a good photographer, I’m able to see what makes a good photograph and what doesn’t, I’m talented enough to rely on my own style and individual way I shoot….

Confused????

Me as well!!!!

I think what I’m trying to say is, Yes I currently have a downer on myself and I am doubting myself a lot but that’s just the little demon in the back of my noggin that still tells me I’m a waste of a human being, tells me I could drink again and be fine, tells me I’m wasting mine and everyone else’s time with exboozehound and complaining to and about the NHS, tells me I’ll never be truly happy, etc etc, basically that little bastard of a demon is still there telling me I’m as useful as a chocolate tea pot…. The difference these days is I know that demon is wrong and I know it ain’t as powerful and stubborn as me….

So, as I move forward EVERYTHING I set my mind to I WILL make it work, yes I’ll doubt myself along the way but I know those doubts are bullshite…. Anyone who can battle against booze for 11+ years and depression/Mental Illness for 20+ years and keep on going can do anything they want to with the right dedication, hard work and perhaps a sprinkling of luck….

So watch this space….

Jon aka exboozehound is going places, get on board now while there’s still room 🙂 😉

It took me a while to work out what the title of this post was gunna be cus, as usual, I didn’t really know what I was gunna write, I’ve had so many things “Buzzing” through my noggin today, some of them good, some of them bad, some of them out of order and some of them down right horrendous…. I spent a bit of time trying to work out why today and the last couple of days have been so changeable and then I thought about something I’ve said on here before and I’ve said to quite a number of people in private. THE QUESTION WHY?, IS A POINTLESS AND PRETTY MUCH UNANSWERABLE QUESTION, SO DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME TRYING TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION….

I have a couple of things that I think may of put me in a changeable place but I will never know if it is to do with those various things and constantly thinking and rethinking about shite ain’t gunna change a thing, all it will do is drive me/you bonkers and tire me/you out and we need our energy for more important things.

The other thing we need to consider as a reason for being in a changeable place at the moment is simply cus I’m human and I guess all humans whether they are “odds” or “evens” have up n down / changeable times but as an “odd” we can very easily spiral into utter madness if we don’t catch ourselves early enough. So simply we have to look for those “triggers” (always hated this word, but now FINALLY I understand it) and react to them with tried and tested coping mechanisms or if those tried and tested ways don’t work, come up with some new ones. For whatever reason today I felt angry and aggressive, I felt strange mental but physical pain, I felt shots of non existent physically painful thoughts, I felt I wanted to get some glorious booze down my neck, I felt shy, I felt outgoing, I felt “odd”, I felt “even”…. think you might have the point now, so I walked down to the squash court and had 40 minutes on the court taking my anger and frustration out on the ball. At the end of it I thought to myself “That aint made a difference I’m still hacked off, etc, but there was a difference and that difference was simply I got off my backside and did something about it, yes probably simply a distraction technique but I didn’t fester and feel sorry for myself which I am very very capable of doing.

Is there a point to this post????

Yes, but I’m not fully sure what it is….

Someone said to me at the weekend you don’t look ill, you seem a nice bloke…. Fact is I am a nice bloke and I am ill but the 2 things don’t have to be separate. (I’m not proud of this next bit!!!!). I’ve said this before but people expect people with a Mental Illness, whatever that Mental Illness might be, to look bonkers and and down trodden. For me this is because mentally ill are usually portrayed as the “Victims of Life” those weirdo’s that were picked on at school, those weirdo’s that talk to themselves as they walk along or sit in a boozer, perhaps they rock backwards and forward a bit and of course they will have absolutely no dress sense (mind you I have none of that!!!), all these things are an absolute load of bollox!!!! It’s the same as peoples perceptions of “the alcoholic” that’s the unwashed, homeless, filthy, smelly person that kips in the park…. again absolute load of bollox. Yes I’ve exaggerated the stereo types for effect but believe me some of the conversations I have are not very far away from this at all!!!! Sad but true!!!!

There are loads of people out there struggling everyday with Mental Illness and Substance misuse, but like I did they hide the extent of it for far too long to avoid the shame of being a failure at life or life as we are taught to understand. They hide it to avoid the Stigma that goes with Mental Illness, you might think the stigma doesn’t exist anymore but it does, yes people talk about it more now but the negative stigma is still VERY VERY strong whether it be direct or indirect stigma. I know there are people hiding it out there because I have quite a few people that tell me they are hiding. They feel if they come out of the “Odd” closet they will lose there Job, home, car etc and unfortunately they probably will…. eventually. Unless they get it early enough coming out as “odd” will destroy your life, well the life we are all taught we MUST have. Do yourself or a loved on a favour….

Get help now!!!!

Be honest with yourself now!!!!

Don’t wait to get to the stage when your Noggin goes Pop, like I did, cus once you get to that stage and then have to wait months and months for the NHS to offer you any help you will lose everything. I am a failure at the life that we are taught we must aspire to. I’m 41, I have no house, no job and my car cost £250, I have no Wife, Girlfriend, Children and this is not likely to change anytime soon. I haven’t said this for your sympathy cus I am trying very hard to put a number of things together to give me a successful “alternative” life, it’s bloody hard work when your noggin cant be arsed to keep up with your passion and heart but I KNOW I’m going to make everything I’m trying to do work, guaranteed, one way or another!!!!

Mental Illness and Addiction are nothing to be ashamed of, they are simply illnesses that some of us have, more of us than you would believe, if you have issues you are hiding, stop hiding them before they destroy or kill you, get help now and I mean now. You will probably have to fight for that help and the process of any help you get will be bloody hard work but it will be worth it. Nothing will fix you over night and I can tell you now I’m not fixed, I still have a long way to go but I dont think about the journey ahead I don’t think about the journey I’ve travelled so far all that much either. I just concentrate on the now and even though the recent now is up n down, changeable, and painful at times most of the time now is good. It will be for you as well if you put the effort in and fight back!!!! 🙂

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




2 Comments

Add a Comment