The simple answer to that question is YES.
But sometimes, for me and I would hazard a guess for a lot more people than you’d think the answer would be…. No not really….
I believe they say “there’s only two things guaranteed in life and they are death and taxes….” Summit like that anyway. Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson said it better in one episode of Bottom “your born, you keep your head down and your die, if you’re lucky…” So if in the end were all gunna die what’s the point to struggling through a painful life, why don’t we just throw in the towel? Yes there’s good times, there’s great times but they are surrounded by difficult times, painful times, confusing times, pointless times etc. Unfortunately as we move forward it sometimes seems you can only remember the bad times the times that have caused the scars.
Nope, not a very positive star to this post…. It’s gunna get worse before it gets better!!!! Although the aim of this post is to be positive, eventually, first I have to deal with the negative and this time I am dealing with the negative for me to hopefully kick start my fight again, yes I hope it will help others as well but this one is mainly for me.
Today I have found myself thinking a couple of thoughts I haven’t thought for a while….
- What’s the point
- Nothing’s ever gunna go right for me
- You’re a waste of a human life
- You’d be better of dead
- Strap on a pair and just disappear off into oblivion
I knew this “episode” was coming, it’s been coming for a couple of weeks, I’veÂ been fighting it as hard as I can but today I’ve found myself thinking “what’sÂ the point”. Is there a point? I’m 41 years old, I have no wife, no girlfriend,Â no kids, no job, no house, no money, nothing a 41 year old really should have byÂ now. I’ve been trying to set a few things in motion to earn a few quid but IÂ can’t make any of them happen…. I have loads of ideas and I’m pretty sure aÂ fully healthy me could make them all work, but I’m not fully healthy, haven’tÂ been for many years and probably won’t ever be. Who the hell is going to take meÂ seriously when everybody knows, cus I’ve tell and have told everyone I’mÂ mentally ill, that’s not the best thing to put at the top of your CV….
I’ve spent a fair bit of cash trying to set these things in motion and at theÂ moment I’m starting to believe the cash I’ve spent has been delusional and IÂ will never get anything back…. When I was in the booze clinic I hit upon theÂ motto “it’s better to regret those things you have done than the things youÂ haven’t….” And I still believe in this, somehow, when I’m not listening to theÂ demon inside my noggin I know I have to keep trying to move forward positively,Â but at the moment my demon is quite often the loudest voice in my head….
(That’s just a bunch of descriptive words, I don’t actually have voices, I don’tÂ think I do anyway).
There seems to be a few of me at the moment, like the bad old days…. Am I Jon,Â “Jon” or exboozehound???? Somehow I have the ability to make people smile, IÂ have the ability to calm people down, I have the ability to help people understand mentalism and alcoholism, I seem to have the ability to make peopleÂ feel better about themselves. When I ran my Zorbs at the Paul McCann find forÂ needy children day down the Halesowen Cricket Club a few weeks ago someone saidÂ to me that a few people had said how brilliant I was with the kids. My nephewsÂ love me, there’s another little kid that has said he loves me and I’m notÂ related to him so he doesn’t have to love me, it would appear I’m a good person.Â One of my mates said to me a couple of weeks back (Pakres) “you’re not differentÂ Jon’s anymore are you you’re just the one Jon, I like this Jon” at the same time some one else (TH) “Jon Mansell’s ace”. All these things surely confirm I’m aÂ good person, a loved person, someone who’s has something to give…. So why is
it inside I still sometimes feel like a horrible, worthless, pointless person, aÂ person that will never amount to anything, a person who will never marry, settleÂ down, have kids and live happily ever after? Why is it that when I am makingÂ people smile, helpingÂ people understand mentalism,Â helpingÂ people understandÂ alcoholism, making people calmer, making people feel better about themselves,
why is it sometimes when I am laughing and being helpful and a good person onÂ the outside, why am I sometimes dying inside and feeling horrendous mental pain,Â why is my demon telling me I’m an arsehole???? Why did I feel like crying when IÂ was walking back from town this morning, why do I feel like crying now? Why do IÂ feel like a pointless, worthless waste of a human being????
Oof, that’s an awful lot of “why’s” and if you’ve come across me before you mayÂ have read a few times that I KNOW “why?” Is a pointless and pretty muchÂ unanswerable question, asking “why” is just a waste of energy, “why” is “woe isÂ me” “why” is me feeling sorry for myself….
I don’t know why, and in a couple of days I hopefully won’t give a flyingÂ monkeys chuff why, but at the moment I keep thinking “why”. This week, I thinkÂ it was Wednesday, in the morning I saw my health worker and in the afternoon IÂ spent about 2 hours being assessed for some more therapy. I thought I was goingÂ to be really negative with my health worker, and at times I was, but as I wasÂ being negative I was spinning pretty much everything to a positive. TheÂ afternoon assessment was hard work as well, as I was answering the 324Â assessment questions I kept thinking to myself “you know what, there isÂ something wrong with you, your noggin is definitely wired up wrong, you are aÂ confirmed nut job, your thoughts are all wrong, you should just give up and fadeÂ away into the nothingness that you are and the pain you deserve”….
I think I’ve been about as honest as I possibly can about theÂ current game that’s going on in my noggin, I would imagine you are pretty
certain “part” of my noggin is in a pretty horrendous and possibly dangerousÂ place?
But, for me the most important word of the previous 1146 words is “part”….
At the moment that “part” of my noggin, the little bastard demon is winning the battles, but (and this is cheesy) IT WILL NOT WIN THE WAR…. YesÂ sometimes the little demon bastard has it’s fun, yes I know I ain’t right in theÂ noggin, yes I know I have to keep fighting and very importantly I KNOW THERE IS AÂ POINT TO MY LIFE. It might be a different point to “normal” life but there is aÂ point and in the end I will win!!!!
There are lots of reasons why I know I’ll win but at the moment I’m unable toÂ list them or verbalise them cus that f’ing loudmouth demon mother flipper is onÂ top and laughing at me, but eventually, probably not today, probably notÂ tomorrow, maybe not even next week the good part of my noggin will start shouting and winning againÂ and kick the flipper very hard in the nuts and put him down!!!!
There is a point to my life, there is a point to your life.
If you’re feeling bad at the moment, you have to KNOW there will be plenty of good times to come. we just have to keep fighting daily to get those daily wins….
THERE AIN’T NOTHING WW CANT HANDLE…. EVENUALLY!!!!
Keep Going 😉
oh and don’t forget my book