6th January 2014

At the end of 6th January 2014 I posted on Facebook “Well 6th January 2014….. It’s been emotional… Bring on the next one and we will have another go” It was a strange day….. It started with a Rethink meeting called “Coffee and Cope” (every time I tell anyone that they hear the word Cope as Coke, it’s my Yamyam/Brummy accent :)), it was a good meeting. The last couple of meetings I have come away a little stressed and manic but Monday’s meeting was good. In the afternoon I went to a meeting that will change my future quite a lot, I wont say what the meeting was about until it is all official but the outcome is life changing, in both a bad and good way…. (?). Life changing moments bad and good can be huge triggers for me I never know if I am going to spiral out of control, but I didn’t :). The motorway journey was cool and there were no thoughts of sticking the car into the barrier, which may sound odd but it is a huge thing for me :).  (Suicidal Thoughts, gunna speak about them in a bit). If i’m honest, and unfortunately I am, it doesn’t even have to be life changing moments that can trigger a spiral it can be as simple as changing plans….. Changing plans happen all the time and now I cope with them, partly because of “it is what is is”, nothing in life is guaranteed, now I know that there aint no stopping me…..Movie Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

I had a therapy session yesterday and it went really well it is leading up to a therapy called Mindfulness, anyway one of the sentences I came out with was along the lines of “I have loads of coping mechanisms but I now know I can’t trust or rely on any of them completely”. I think this is a realistic approach because if you rely on one specific thing and it doesn’t work then you will spiral out of control….. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!!! I try all my different things and if none of them work I stop trying and save my energy…. “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”. We have all had those times when we “Know” it’s never going to get better and we have survived them and been proved very wrong, we may all have those times again, but that’s cool we actually do “Know” we can survive them and it will get better!!!!

My Mom said to me yesterday “I think we both knew this would happen one day” she was talking about me finally breaking and she is right, I knew it would happen one day and although it has been horrendous at times I am actually happy it has now happened. The daily struggle of keeping going is fucking hard work and in the end is what destroyed me but now I have the opportunity to rebuild. Starting again at 40 seems a bit scary at times and I am sure it will have it’s ups and downs but whats the alternative? Answer, There ain’t one… I hope people don’t mind me saying this… Just look at our Military coming home with massive physical and emotional scars, those men and women are inspirational, if we can follow there example we can’t go wrong. I’ve just read some bad news about the ex-servicemen in the Dakar Rally, I think these are the guys that were on Top Gear, when I watched that episode I got close to tears but when Richard Hammond was speaking with them talking about there injuries and what they got up to in hospital it was amazing, those guys are amazing and massively inspirational!! I know I have gone off on a bit of a tangent but what could be more inspirational than these men and women? Answer, Nothing!

As an aside my Mom also informed me I have been spelling “Soba” wrong it should be “Sober”…… D’oh!!Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Ok, lets talk about Suicidal Thoughts, it’s not a nice subject but it is a real subject. I don’t have them these days which is awesome, in part I think these are no longer an issue for me because I talked about them on here, with family, with friends and even with work colleagues….. Why not, they are a matter of fact and if we don’t talk about them they will not go away. Suicidal thoughts are not rational, they make no sense but they exist and they are very real, they have to be addressed. Please don’t keep suicidal thoughts to yourself, yes they will upset people but they are probably upset anyway because they don’t like to see you feeling so unwell and feel they can’t do anything to help. If you can’t speak to family or friends tell your GP or a local Mental Health charity or the Samaritans, there are options please use one of them!!!

A little bit about your family and friends being upset seeing you unwell, my guess is you are feeling guilty about the pressure you are putting on them….. well don’t!!!!! Simple as that!!! You didn’t ask for your illness, you didn’t do anything to make your illness happen it just happened and is happening. Don’t waste your energy on guilt you need your energy to battle the big stuff. If they didn’t want to help they wouldn’t and if it was the other way around you know you would want to help them and would be horrified if they felt guilty receiving your help.

As usual this post ended up being something it wasn’t going to be in the first place, but I think that is good it’s just the ramblings of a strange man with an illness that is getting better. I hope you got something from it?

I’m also a philosopher (nope didn’t I spell that right at the first attempt!) I posted this on FB just after midnight recently: –

It is now tomorrow so today (yesterday) is gone, tomorrow (today) is a new start and the day after today (tomorrow) matters when today (tomorrow) has gone…. Life’s simple really ?

Keep Smiling ?

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Play Acting

Play Acting has been a very important tool in my life and I’m sure it has been, and is, in other peoples lives with or without mental illness. It keeps you going and taking part in “Normal Life” but, for me, eventually it became too tiring and confusing. I still have to do it at times but a lot less these days.

To the question ” are you OK?” the answer would always be something like “Yeah cool”, these days I am more often honest and say “No, not really but I will be”. Although I am doing this blog, me answering in this way is not me after attention and sympathy, it is not me doing the old “woe is me” thing, it is just the truth and I find that truth incredibly freeing. (Give it a go and say F**K OFF to “English Pleasantries”).

The reason for this post is a question my Dad put to me yesterday, “you seemed to of been fine over the last couple of days it hasn’t all been play acting has it?” and my Mom texted “u seem 2 have coped quite well”…… No, it hasn’t all been play acting and I have coped better than I thought I would and most of that is down to the people around me. My family and friends all know I am unwell and they seem to be happy to just accept that, they help when I ask but they accept that I might disappear suddenly and that I might be quite for a while (I think they actually enjoy the “quite” thing cus I do tend to talk a lot of bollox!!). Yesterday I had been invited to go over to my cousins and I really wanted to go, but in the end I just couldn’t as I wasn’t feeling too good in the noggin, it’s a shame but “it is what it is” when you find the courage to speak about your mental illness most people accept it and so they should because at the end of the day it is just an illness if I had a broken leg I wouldn’t be expected to drive to a get together, I have a Mental Illness and mentally I could not cope with lots of people yesterday.

Yesterday I posted on Face Book: –

“Starting to see the point of them sprog things… Yesterday my older nephew wanted to sit by me at lunch and today my younger nephew wanted to sit next to me aswell, earlier i did his insulin injection for him and when I popped down my bro’s to rob all the ingredients for tea the littleun just came up to me and gave me a hug… Turned a strange day into a top day :)” 

A friend of mine has got a nipper that seems to like me, I bought him a Santa’s Little Helper costume for Christmas, at first he cried when the hat was put on, so I put it on my head and he laughed. He then spent the next 15 minutes running around like a nutter and when the hat fell off (I think on purpose) he kept coming to me to put the hat back on……. Priceless 🙂

So…. to the point of this post……. Don’t hide your Mental Illness, yes you will probably have to do some “Play Acting” at times but you can be honest as well and that honesty will free you, hopefully? Being Mentally Ill is nothing to be ashamed of “it is what it is” you are ill, you haven’t asked for it and you definitely don’t enjoy it and the “attention and sympathy” it brings you!!! You can do something about it, you can fight, ask for help and take that help. You can try everything possible to give you a better chance whatever that is, if someone told me that if I stood in a bucket of custard for 10 minutes a day it would cure my Mental Illness, I would do it :). If it stopped working I would try something else.

Accept that you are unwell and there is something you can do about it, be honest, talk about it (even those things that seem bonkers to you in your head might make sense to others) and keep fighting!!!

Keep Smiling 🙂

Acceptance

I have been to an initial therapy appointment today, we spoke for an hour about Mindfulness and DBT (Dialectical behaviour therapy) it sounds very interesting if not a bit mind boggling and a bit weird….. the lady I spoke with, spoke about it all with such passion and honesty that it can only be a good thing. I have also had some really positive feedback via Twitter through a contact made through this blog, she is a very strong person who is having a hard time but she keeps going and I know she will make it (you know who you are).

When Mindfulness was first mentioned to me I got a book out of the library to see what it was all about, unfortunately within about 7 pages I gave up it all sounded a bit “hippy’ish”, sorry that is the only word I can think of, I started to think I would have to spend my life wearing tie die, chanting and being in touch with my inner being….. as a “neanderthal with depression” it is very hard to imagine me doing that!! But lets be honest what I have done so far hasn’t been a lot of use, i.e. take a few pills, ignore it as much as possible, man up and get on with life. Fact is, this year my mental illness has destroyed me, I have my theories why but they aren’t important at the moment, what is important is I have “accepted” I have a problem, I have “accepted” I must do something about it, I have “accepted” that at the moment “normal life” is not my strong point……..

“Acceptance” seems to be a big word now as it was 10 years ago, I had to “accept” I was an alcoholic (I had known I was for years!!), I had to “accept” that something had to be done and I “accepted” the help I was offered. Of course I now wish I had tackled all the other shit at the same time but who knows if I had tried to sort the mental health stuff at the same time I could be back on the booze….. So I “accept” that now is the time to tackle the mental health stuff and I am “grateful” I no longer drink. I “accept” I can’t have all that I want at this time and I am “grateful” for the friendships I have made through this blog. I “accept” my feelings and I am “grateful” that I have some. I “accept” I have an illness and I am “grateful” I can still do something about it.

During today’s appointment some new words were used that un-settled me a bit “Borderline personality disorder”, is this a new “label” for me, what the hell does that mean? Well who the hell cares, not me “it is what is it”. I had thought before this could be a possibility and at the moment I don’t know if that will become part of my diagnosis and I really don’t care. I think I have said it before on here and I said it directly to a professional today “I believe that most of what the experts do in mental health is guess work” I would be interested to see if the experts could prove to me this was not the case, on the other hand I probably wouldn’t believe there “proof” anyway. So at the moment I am happy to be diagnosed with whatever comes my way, I will “accept” whatever it is and I will address it and in time beat it.

There is a number scale that seems to be used a lot when talking about mental illness, 10 out of 10 is bad and 1 out of 10 is good (it seems the wrong way around to me, but what do I know?), anyway when I (has to be “I” as I can only really talk for myself) hit a 10 out of 10 it is horrendous I just don’t know what do do with myself, I think about ending it all to stop the pain, there doesn’t have to be a reason for hitting a 10 it just happens sometimes. My last 10 was a couple of days ago and I ended up kneeling down with my face planted in the carpet and my ass in the air (not a pleasant thought I know!) my head was “buzzing” and my blood felt like it was boiling in my vains…….. Fuc*ing mental isn’t it, what a Fuc*ing nut job…… I should probably be to ashamed to tell people this, but i’m not, i’m not ashamed I have an illness, I have been in the past, but I have “accepted” it now and I am attempting to do something about it, so what have I got to be ashamed of……. Nothing!!

If you are struggling, if you are ashamed, if you are hiding your illness, please try another way…. You have nothing to be ashamed of, You don’t have to hide it, You will still struggle with it but you will be struggling with others, it is still very painful and frustrating but in asking for help I believe you will also help others. Those others you will be helping might be people with similar issues to you, they might be your parents, your children, your partner, your friends. The people around you that love you don’t know how to help you, they will try, they will be willing to do literally anything, but from my own experiences I know that whatever they do will be wrong….. If they keep asking “how are you today?” it will annoy you, but also when they stop asking that question it will also annoy you. (?)

Ask for help and “Accept” any help and support you are offered, it wont fix you over night but it will give you a fighting chance.

Keep smiling 🙂

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Inspirational Words

This is a very quick post, I had an inspirational moment this morning and this moment was on Twitter. I think there are lots of things to say about this but I want to keep it simple so: –

Talk about your feelings, be honest, in this day and age you can never be alone, there are some awesome people out there and Just do it 🙂

The reason I ended with “just do it” is because I asked @Billyidol to RT a link to my blog (if you don’t ask you don’t get!!) and from that RT this person got in touch :). To protect her identity I am simply going to call her “Awesome Lady” = AL

AL – Btw, how are you going Jon?

ME – If I’m honest I’ve been better :(, how’s u?

AL – Ah, that’s no good. I’m well, thank u for asking. Try and run with the gratitude idea. That’s what worked for me. x

ME – Gratitude idea? Is that being grateful for what we have x

AL – When I was depressed I always thought the opposite of depressed was happy. Then     one day, light bulb moment, The opposite of depressed is actually gratitude. That idea         literally turned my life around. I stopped hunting down this “happiness” I was     searching for & began looking for things to be grateful for. At first when u r very depressed it is hard. So u just start with “I made it through today” then ” I woke up today” really basic stuff… One day when u get to my stage which u will!!! u will start looking at the night sky and and sunsets & all sorts of things & think “Wow that is f**king brilliant. I’m so glad to be alive to see this. Good luck x

ME – Thank you so much, that is so inspiring!!! can I use yr words on my blog? x

AL – Of course you may!

ME – well from a Black Country lad (dont know if u know what that is) in local dialect “yam bostin yow am” x

Doesn’t that just sum it up? Fantastic! Thank you Awesome Lady x

Keep smiling 🙂Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

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