Today I fell apart a bit….

These things don’t generally happen all of a sudden, there’s usually a recognisable build up and this time it was no different. I knew it was coming and I tried hard not to fight it, that might sound a little odd, surely yoku should fight it all the time?

The way I see it these days….

Is there really a point in wasting loads of energy fighting the inevitable? Yes that probably sounds really negative, but it’s not it’s realistic and for me it’s the way it has to be at the moment.

If I’d spent loads of energy fighting against the dip that was coming I would be more tired when the dip arrived, today has been a really negative day, I got up and felt pretty shite, I decided I would go and have 30 minutes on the squash court to try and spark myself into action and remove the aggression boiling inside, the anger about living a pointless existence having achieved absolutely nothing in life (bear with me I was feeling sorry for myself). I did 30 minutes on the squash court broken up with sets of push-ups and for a split second I started feeling a bit better about the day ahead…. And then all of a sudden the madness began, I was sat at the front wall of the court and all I wanted to do was shout and cry, there was a guy cleaning on the balcony of the squash court and in my mind I felt myself thinking “he’s laughing at me, he’s laughing at how sad it is that I’m on the squash court by myself” (told ya “the madness began” bloody nutter!!).

I left the squash court and this guy was standing at the reception talking and laughing with some colleagues, of course “they were laughing at me”…… I just wanted to get home (not that I have my own home, cus I’m a useless waste of a human being), I needed to get myself something to eat so went into Asda and immediately felt the pressure, everyone in there knew I was mentally ill and we’re moving out of my way. I got to the tobacco till, there was a queue and in the queue was a guy I went to school with, we spoke but I felt really rude cus I really didn’t want to get involved in the conversation. One of my mates wives was there with their two kids and I just kept looking the other way cus I didn’t want to get involved in another possible conversation. I got to the front of the queue and asked for my backy of choice (the cheap one cus I’m a loser and I no longer work), I thought the lady who served me was looking at me with concerned eyes.

When I walked out of Asda my mates wife and kids were there so I looked the other way, I couldn’t get into the lift cus I didn’t want to be in the enclosed space and what if she got in the lift as well, I’d have to make conversation and I didn’t want her to see me looking all possessed with madness… I took the stairs and the closer I got to the floor I needed the more I just wanted to cry, my noggin was now buzzing and throbbing and I felt like I was gunna explode…..

I got to my car (a knackered piece of shit of a car, cus that’s all I can afford as I’m a waste of space who hasn’t worked for more than a year since my mental breakdown (sign of weakness!!!) in June 2013) and as soon as I was safely in the car the tears started, I wasn’t blubbing like a baby it just felt like a release of pressure.

I drove back to my Dads, still with tears in my eyes, I paced backwards and forwards in the kitchen struggling to work out how to open and dish up the salad I had bought for lunch. I went upstairs to eat my lunch and have some meds to help me relax and was back in bed for 12pm, crying and stressing about how pathetic I was and what a pointless existence I have lived having reached the age of 41 and having absolutely nothing to show for those 41 years….

I got out of bed at about half five, had some tea that my Dad had cooked me, rolled some fags and then started writing this. I currently feel numb and a bit weird having just written out all of the shite above, knowing it’s all completely true and at the same time a complete load of BOLLOX. I know people weren’t laughing at me and moving out of my way, I know I’m not a waste of a human life but sometimes my badly wired up noggin just decides to short circuit and give me a hard time.

Tomorrow is another day, I will hopefully have some energy to deal with tomorrow because I haven’t wasted all my energy fighting the inevitable, I’ve just accepted that from time to time I lose the plot a little bit, I can’t cope with “normal” situations and currently my future looks pretty bleak.

What have I got to look forward to?

Well, probably the same as every other single person whether they are mentalists or normals, some good times, some bad times and in order to make the most of what my future holds I will deal with each day one day at a time, today’s shite has no bearing on yesterday or tomorrow, tomorrow is another day….

“It is what it is”

“Shit happens”

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Theres no real point to this post, I hope some people will identify with some of the mad stuff I have written above and know there’s nothing wrong with being a bit of a nut job, it’s just the way it is sometimes there doesn’t have to be a reason, there probably isn’t a why, it’s just one of those things and because I accept this madness can happen at times I can survive it and bounce back….Logan movie trailer

“There ain’t nothing I/WE can’t handle…. Eventually!!!!”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)


4 thoughts on “Today I fell apart a bit….”

  1. Jon, I hate this for you, I truly do. I don’t even know what to say. I do understand as much as I am able. I am thankful that you have a loving family and you are able to be with them. Stay close to those who care and I will hope, with you, that this horribleness goes away very quickly. In the meantime, keep writing and keep in touch. Your friends on here care about you. Big hug my special mate.

    1. Hi Judy, I hope you are well? I have a feeling this horribleness will pretty much always be part of my life, looking back it always has been. Even those these episodes are horrible and sometimes make me want to give up I know I will never give up because having come this far makes me stronger every time the madness appears. There ain’t nothing we can’t handle…. Eventually!!!! I make comment to so many things I habent got in this post, feeling sorry for myself, but as my May Paul said on FB “I’ve got a lot” and I have things that not many people do like the comment from Annie and previous comments from people who have said I help them. I’m pretty sure you know I don’t write my drivel for sympathy, it helps me and it helps me even more if people say it helps them…. Money cannot buy that feeling if pride when I get messages on here and behind the scene

    1. Hi Annie, thank you for taking the time to comment. The fact that you’ve said you can identify with so much has made the pain worth it for me cus that’s why I share it I hope it helps make us ALL realise we are never alone and although the thoughts we have may seem completely bonkers other people think the same and on a daily basis they survive the pain and come out the other side stronger

Comments are closed.