A real good friend of mine sent me an interesting message on Face Book the other day: –
“Blog subject suggestion. “Real”. You use the word quite often. I would be interested in your perspective LJEMFTF x keep em coming.”
My initial reaction in my head was “OOF!”
It turns out I don’t use the word “Real” that much, but it stood out for him and it makes a lot of sense….
He also commented:-
“I think if you are striving for “real life” its good to know what your expectations are.”
My initial reaction in my head was “OOF!” and reading these comments again “OOF!” is still my reaction, these are bloody good questions, NNOP is digging deep here….
So, I have an easy simple answer……
“I don’t know what “Real” is anymore”live streaming film Alibi.com 2017 online
A very simple answer but quite a painful one, and the more I think about what is real the more I realise I don’t know. I have spent so long hiding, faking, manipulating and ignoring my feelings I don’t know what is “Real”. What is real life? Well, I am 40, so by now real life should be good job, nice house, nice car, nights out with the misses, days out with the kids, I should have a bit of money in the bank…….. I ain’t doing that well then, I have failed miserably at that shit!!
I have a good job, I know I am a good Salesman and an awesome Account Manager but mental illness has put this on hold…….
I had a nice house, but we are trying to sell it, mental illness took this away from me……
I don’t own a car, I still drive a company car but eventually mental illness is going to take this away from me……
Ain’t got a misses, mental illness has taken quite a number of those away from me……
Ain’t got kids, mental illness has always told me I couldn’t have them, I would destroy them, it would be unfair…….
Money in the bank, nope……. F*ck me Jon you’re a F*cking loser……..
So all my expectations I have failed at, everything I and society tells me I should have by now I haven’t got, mental illness has either stopped me having them, is taking them away or has taken them away. My expectations confirm what I know, I am a loser, a waste of a human being, I have failed at everything and nothing is real anymore….
But hold up, what if all that shit isn’t what is real, what if there is something else that is real, what if real is what it is, real is where I am. Although I still go through hell everyday and I am shit scared of what the future is going to bring I still want to help people, I care about people, people have been contacting me on here and Twitter and Facebook that suggests people care about me, I am a good person, I am a strong person, yes I have done things that i’m still ashamed of back in the drinking days but those days are behind me now. I am ill, unfortunately that is what is “real” at the moment, all those “expectations” aren’t real most of its just stuff. I might get most of that stuff one day, but underneath it all I will of still been ill, maybe I will still be ill….who knows???
What is “Real”?, what is “Normal”?, why am I ill?, why do good people get hurt by others? and why do people seem to like me? Who knows, who gives a shit, why am I asking questions that don’t have an answer, why am I worrying about stuff I can’t change? as a great man once said:-
“Donâ€™t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.”
There are some really good things in my life at the moment, things that keep me calm, things that make me want to get out there, what they are doesn’t matter, they are what they are, it is what it is. There are also some really horrendous thoughts and feelings that scare me and hurt me, that make me cry, that make me rock backward and forward like a nutter, that make me want to give up……but I can handle the shit stuff I have done it before and I will do it again, I will keep doing it, I will beat this, I will help others beat it, I will make kids laugh for being stupid, I will make people smile and perhaps I will find “Real” one day whatever the f*ck it is, perhaps “Real” doesn’t exist????
It is what it is….
what happens, happens….
Keep smiling 🙂
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