I had a good day yesterday

Here we go again, Me Me Me, I don’t actually know where this post is going to go but I had a good day yesterday and this morning i’m having a bit of a wobble. The point of me doing this blog was both selfish and hopefully giving, I want to help people and I want to help me, as I have said before something I read helped switch the fight back on in me and from messages I have received i know my blog has done the same for others, this is a joyous feeling, this is a “Gem” moment in an otherwise pretty bleak existence.

The messages I have received are basically saying that reading my words helps them understand themselves or other people a bit more. I often talk about “the buzzing in my head” I know this sounds bonkers and I would think I am going mad, but I now know someone else used to use these exact words and I have never met them, so it helps me and hopefully helps them. So I am going to ramble on a bit and hope people get something from my ramblings.

I had a good day yesterday, but today I am rocking backward and forward with my head in my hands because my head is “buzzing”, bonkers but you know what who cares, that’s just the way it is and rocking with my hands on my head helps me I don’t care what anyone else thinks. As I am writing this I am choking back the feeling that you get just before you cry, and i’m pretty sure I will cry at some point soon, but you know what who cares that’s just the way it is, crying is good it seems to release pressure so if it happens it happens. I have got the shakes and I feel jumpy, I have recently had to increase my meds from 150mg’s to 200mg’s and straight away I felt unwell after the first 200 was popped, is this feeling just in my mind, is it physical, who cares it is what it is and worrying about if it is because i’m bonkers or if it is actually happening wastes energy and it isn’t going to make any difference I will still feel unwell. I cant answer the question and I am pretty sure the experts wouldn’t be able to answer the question either and if they did I wouldn’t believe what they said anyway, so it is what it is, i’m just going to let it happen and letting it happen frees up the stress, sometimes…….

I have been DM’ing with someone on Twitter and they mentioned someone was preaching that anti depressants don’t work, the only way through it is exercise and good diet, Pah! I have read previously about a young bloke that swears he fixed his mental illness with exercise and nothing but exercise, brilliant if it has worked for him I am chuffed to bits for him. But if exercise and a good diet fixes all mental health issues, why are sportsmen like Jonathan Trott suffering, he is a professional sports man, he will probably exercise a lot more than most and I would imagine he is on a good diet to maintain his sporting career. I don’t believe there is one answer if there was everyone would be “fixed”. I went through a short phase of walking whenever I could and it did help, it was really freeing and relaxing, but very quickly I started to find it was having the opposite effect, it was making me feel lonely and out of touch with the world, I would start to panic that it would take me ages to get home when walking and what if I bump into someone I know?? I would love to eat a better diet but for one I am skint and cant really afford the good stuff, and if I could afford it, I cant be arsed to cook it. When you are numb, have no motivation, cant concentrate and cant see a point to life exercising and eating well is almost impossible, sometimes even having a shower is hard hard work. That will sound ridiculous but I promise you it is 100% true, you might as well be asking me to solve a Rubik cube!!!

Yup, just been crying and I cant bloody breathe now, what a pussy!!

I guess it’s inevitable at some point I would come back to the NHS discussion, I truly believe the treatment I have received is an absolute disgrace, the constant waiting is disgusting but through this blog, Twitter and Facebook I have learnt that the treatment I have received is actually very quick in comparison with others. People have to ask for help and it is very hard to ask for that help for someone like me asking for that help was basically admitting I was failing again like I had failed at everything else in life, I was admitting I have to give up, I have to let go, I can no longer control me and my thoughts. Me saying I don’t have control is not an easy thing!! So people go through horrendous times they find courage to ask for help and then they have to wait and wait, when we are waiting the only thing that is happening is we are getting deeper and deeper into the pit, we are getting further and further away from “real life”, we are becoming detached and we are getting confirmation that we are pointless, we are not worth worrying about, we are not part of proper society and in going through this you know that that journey to recovery is getting longer and harder by the day.

I had a good day yesterday, I am not in a good place at the moment, partly because I don’t believe I have the right to have a good day and like a lot of the mental health world it does not make sense to think like that, but those are my thoughts, aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

On the flip side “Jon” knows he is incredibly good looking, handsome and cute, he knows he was a bloody good sales man, he knows he was/is and awesome Account Manager, he knows there is a twinkle about him, he knows he has an awful lot to give.

Does that make any sense?…. Nope

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Does it do my head in?…. Yup

Will I beat this thing?…. Who knows!! but I do know I will do all I can to beat it!!!

I pretty much think about suicide everyday, sometimes just thoughts, sometimes real feelings but that is not the answer, that is giving up, that is failing, that is a proper confirmation that I am a loser and a waste of a Human Being and “Jon” knows that is not true!!!

I really don’t know if there is any point to this blog, but you know what it is what it is, who cares?? πŸ™‚

Keep Smiling πŸ™‚

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8 thoughts on “I had a good day yesterday”

  1. Good for you for having a cry…makes me feel better too. You keep saying if this blog helps one person it’s worth it…well YOU are a person too so you’re worth it! Very L’Oreal eh lol. Anyways I’ll leave you this quote by Mexican novelist Paulo Coehlo in ‘Manuscript Found in Accra’
    ” No one can go back but everyone can go forward. And tomorrow when the sun rises, all you will have to say to yourself is ‘I am going to think of this day as the first day of my life'”
    Keep smiling πŸ™‚

    1. Hiya Kallm, Crying is good, don’t get me wrong I am a Man so when I am crying in front of people I will always feel a bit ashamed, it is wrong to feel that way but I can’t feel any other way. Thank you for saying I am worth it, a lot of the time I would disagree with you but today I think you are right “Jon is worth it”. Thank you that is an awesome quote, I am guessing you will be seeing that on my blog again!! I hope your studies are going well and I hope to hear from you again. Thank you, Keep smiling πŸ™‚

  2. Hey there, I subscribed to your blog after seeing it on twittter, you left me a messae once. I wanted to let you know you are not alone in these feelings. I would love to talk to you sometime, maybe we can chat on messenger or something. I live in the US..anyway I have the same feelings you just posted and has been ongoing for too long, my problems is anxiety/depression and the meds, trying to get off a shit prescription drug has been hell, when I first started taking the meds it was wonderful, like someone took all my problems away, not realizing they were not gone at all. When I became so used to the drug it no longer worked like that so I decided to go off it…WOW talk about a living nightmare. After trying to get off of it, i went back to it, my LIFESAVER as I call it, is actually is ruining my life and I know it. I am struggling to wean off the drug and the buzzing you hear is nothing new to me, it is like little brain zaps…also the lonely feeling, the no motivation, no lust for life is all shared by me, and many others. I appreciate this blog and I know we are not the only ones going through this daily hell but we can be strong and persist and pray to God we can be normal again. Take Care and never give up on yourself and keep this blog going.
    Cheers
    Kemberely (monalisasmile37) @ twitter

    1. Hiya, absolutely I remember you I looked up your email address when I saw it as a subscription. Firstly send me a message on Twitter anytime, I will say that I can be selfish at times and go into my own little world, but I will always tell you this. I tried to come off anti depressants a couple of years after I gave up the booze because I was “OK” my GP wasn’t happy about it but he allowed me to do it slowly, NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!!! It taught me that I will be on the pills for the rest of my life, if that is the case then so be it, “it is what it is”. You call the pills your LIFESAVER I unfortunately call mine “MY LOONY PILLS” not politically correct but they are my pills I will call them what I want. That’s the point of my blog I think we sit there saying mad things like “my head is buzzing, I must be a nutter” but already in a couple of weeks I now know of you and another person that used the same phrase, we are not mad (well maybe a little!) we are unwell!! We just have to work at being well again. Thank you so much for the compliment on the blog, that means so much to me. I will not give up on me, I will not give up on the people who contact me and I will not accept anyone giving up on themselves (Bit preachy sorry!). Let me just say as well, I have had a good weekend, yes there have been times when my head has been buzzing, and I have cried in front of an awesome person that is helping me, but you know what because I have talked, because I have blogged, because I have Tweeted I can now be me whether that is good “Jon” or bad Jon. I have just said to someone on Twitter who is having a hard time that I know when a down is coming and I don’t fight it anymore I allow the down to happen and when it goes away I do all I can to enjoy the up. It might not be what the experts would say, but who cares it is working for me at the moment. This approach may not work next week, but if that happens i’ll just find another approach and another and another….. You have helped me today, you helped me when you subscribed, you helped me on Twitter, we all have to help each other!!! Keep fighting and of course Keep Smiling πŸ™‚

  3. Agree with the others. A good cry is needed sometimes! Crying in front of others can be normal for some people and very rare for others. Like I said in another comment on another post of yours… if someone negatively judges you for crying in their presence, it probably says more about THEM than it does about YOU.

    Agree with you about the healthy eating and exercise argument, in that everyone is unique and what works for one, may not work for another. I’ll always argue that pursuing and engaging in physical exercise and trying to maintain a healthy diet is GOOD, but I will concede, this does not cure depression or mental health problems and someone may be working out like crazy and eating an excellent and balanced diet but still be utterly miserable and even suicidal.

    From a personal perspective…. optimal (per the individuals capabilities) exercise and optimal (per financial constraints like you said) diet = BEST chance for mental health stability / good mental health…..

    1. I am so happy you began to follow me and are reading my blog, feed back like yours very very helpful to me and I hope others. I also get the feeling that if you see anything you disagree with you will tell me, which is fantastic!!! Keep smiling πŸ™‚

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