So, initialÂ Psychiatrist appointment is done and there is a “plan” in place. I don’t think I am ready to reveal all the details but basically increased meds, further referral and next appointment is at the end of January 2014.
The Psychiatrist was a really nice guy, a very clever guy I was with him for about 45 minutes and he already had me talking about stuff I haven’t spoken about for over 20 years, how do they do that?? Very often when I come away from meetings with the experts I feel I have let myself down because my “Jon” force field comes up and ensures I cant be completely honest and open. For so long now I have been “Jon” on a daily basis, smiling, joking, talking an awful lot of bollox, people seem to like “Jon” and Jon doesn’t understand this, they like “Jon” and would not want to know Jon. Confused, welcome to my world.
Anyway, my force field was up a little, always going to be on the first meeting I guess, but I am proud to say I cried. Of course I apologised for this but as the psychiatrist said “if you cant cry in front of your psychiatrist where can you cry”. He dug around a bit and pushed a few buttons, a couple of good buttons, he got me thinking in a different way about some of my thoughts, which was both painful and interesting. I came away feeling a bit more positive, I have finally started the process, I am finally on the books, in the system, I have somewhere to call or go when I am desperate and if I am desperate I can get an emergency appointment, this is progress. 🙂
My next appointment with the psychiatrist isn’t until the end of January, the other referral thing wont happen until the end of February or March and if you saw a previous post “You need therapy the queue is 2Â months” I have quite a wait for other needed therapy. I know in the whole scheme of things these few months wait aren’t huge,Â after allÂ I have been diagnosedÂ depressed for over 20 years, but and this is a big BUT the thought of more daily pain, ups and downs, not working, not earning, not being able to do stuff because of “The Fear” (I stole that phrase of someone else, they use it in a different way but I think it is so descriptive I decided to pinch it (soz x)) those thoughts and many others scare the Sh*t out of me. Am I going to be able to cope, am I going to be able to keep fighting, is Christmas going to destroy me, will I eventually just shut down?
Last night I had a great laugh on Facebook and Twitter with some awesome people, I’ve had a bit of a joke this morning as well, I posted some of my pictures on FB and woke up this morning with 11 notifications liking and commenting on my photographs which fills me with absolute joy. Yesterday I was DM’ing on Twitter with someone who is going through a hard time but she deals with it and we both take time to support each other (we have never met but we are supporting each other, I hope she feels the same?), I’ve made contact with a great guy called Danny Baker from Australia, Billy Idol RT’d one of my tweets, I have had some fantastic messages on this blog, FB & Twitter, I’ve had a letter today from St James’s Palace and so on… all these things are brilliant and positive, but still inside I’m a loser, I am weak, I have wasted 40 years, I hate now and the future scares the sh*t out of me!!! I have been invited by a friend (a friend of friends a diamond geezer) to spend some time with him this weekend and take photos of a gig he is playing, but I just cant do it, I have had lots of other “come and visit me” messages but at the moment I just don’t have the strength to travel and cope for long periods of time. I will get there but it is so so hard I am struggling to think about leaving the house today, I will but I know it will be hard (pathetic!).
Without Facebook, Twitter, this Blog, awesome family and some awesome people I wouldn’t be here now, so even though I feel like I am rambling now, I think my point is:-
Talk, Post, Tweet and share your thoughts and feelings, help on the NHS will come, but it will be slow so you need support from elsewhere. Your friends might be shocked you are unwell, but they will be amazing. People you don’t even know will be amazing. Bollox to the #stigma thing if you are fighting a mental illness you are a STRONG person because you are still fighting.
Be careful though what you do share, I made a comment on a “celebrities” (unfortunately I cant use the proper C word!!) tweet and spent the next few hours fielding abuse from their followers, it was very unpleasant and a bit triggery. I backed down straight away because I didn’t have the strength to fight so many people. Sometimes you have to back down to look after yourself, sometimes it is ok to be negative, that’s how you feel and fighting it all the time is hard hard work.
*Importantly these are just my thoughts and opinions, sometimes they help me sometimes they hinder me and I don’t always agree with me and you don’t have to agree with me either they are just thoughts and opinions!!!!!
Keep smiling 🙂