On Wednesday 27th November I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I guess you might be thinking why would someone announce that, how embarrassing? I am not ashamed of this fact, if you are ill you see a GP, if you have broken your arm you go to the hospital, if you are clinically depressed you go to see a psychiatrist. To be honest I am not sure what a psychiatrist does, I thought they were the people you go to see to talk about all those things in the past that might of caused your mental illness. Someone said to me a couple of weeks ago that psychiatrists are more about the medication than talking, I don’t know I guess I will find out Wednesday.
The reason for this post is probably mainly selfish, when I write on here I seem to be able to see it through when I write notes on “how am I feeling today” I get frustrated and feel pathetic writing sh*t like that down, I know it makes no sense but my head doesn’t make a lot of sense at the moment.
I was referred to see a psychiatrist in August and my appointment is the 27th November, personally I think that is a disgusting amount of time to have to wait, if you have read my other posts you will know the story by now so i’m not going to bother with that now, what I do want to bother with is what that 4 month wait has done to me, told you…. selfish it’s always about me.
So basically I have been on a drug called Sertraline for a number of months having changed from Cirpralex, from what I can tell Sertraline is seen as a very good drug but with the limited knowledge of my GP (that’s not a dig at my GP apparently they only have access to certain drugs which is why I have to see a psychiatrist) and what I have read on the interweb it could well mean I have been on the wrong drug for a number of months, on the other hand it could be exactly the right drug but at the moment I don’t know. (has this made things worse, who knows?).
Currently I struggle to sleep, I struggle to leave the house, I struggle to eat and I struggle to not eat (?), I feel sick a lot, I feel weak, tired, erratic, emotional, numb, pointless, pathetic, lost, desperate, angry, irritable, scared and sometimes I feel suicidal. Last Friday I forced myself to go out, I went and walked around my local town centre while I was walking around I started to cry and had to hold back the tears (as usual I was wearing sunglasses to cover my “windows to the soul”) so no-one could see.
Thoughts running through my head at that time -Â I saw people smiling and laughing and I wanted to hurt them, part of me knew they weren’t laughing at me but what if they were? Maybe if I hurt them I could get arrested and maybe some immediate help, no that’s a stupid idea people will think you are a nutter. Just get home, but you’ve got to get some milk, I can’t face getting some milk, just get home. I got some milk because this is pathetic, I even made a joke to the girl on the till, then my sunglasses went back on, got to get home. Going into the car park I thought about going to the top and ending it, no that is not the answer if you do that all the pain of the last few months and all the strength you have used to keep going will of been a waste, all the support from family and friends (some friends I haven’t spoken to or seen in 25 years!!) will be wasted. But it will teach the NHS a lesson, FFS no it won’t you are a number an insignificant number it wont change anything, just get home, it’s not even my home, just get home. I got in the car and started driving back, someone pulled out on me, I thought about just driving into them, I followed them up the hill they were going about 20 miles per hour, just drive into them, they indicated to turn off, just drive into them, they were now out of my way. Driving up the road someone was pulling out of a side road, just drive into them, FFS JUST GET THE F OUT OF MY WAY!!!
I think we can all agree that above isn’t normal, don’t get me wrong I am not saying there a voices telling me to do this stuff, I am pretty sure its just my thoughts. I often wonder if other people have these thoughts, my conclusion is they probably do but they don’t take them seriously??
What the 4 month wait has done to me is turn me into a non-human, I am scared of the reality of life, I am scared that this is me now, I wont be able to go back to my job, I wont be able to go back to any job, I wont be able to enjoy anything in life it will always be about my mental illness from now on. Although on the outside I look ok and if I don’t manage to ignore you in the street I will smile and ask how you are, have a chat and a joke as soon as I walk away I will be in pain again. Waiting 4 months confirms my thoughts that i’m not important, confirms that I am a waste of life of time and of effort. I now beat myself up for giving in in June I should of just carried on fighting it day by day. I beat myself up that I carried on fighting day by day for too long and have wasted that life, lost girlfriends, houses and jobs.
There are lots of quotes out there about depression but one that really touches me at the moment is: –
“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”
– Elizabeth Wurtzel
(I hope I haven’t broken any rules posting this?)
And just a final comment, I know I am beaten but I also know that I am strong enough to keep fighting back and when I do manage to beat it there will be no stopping me!!!
Keep smiling 🙂