I’m not sure if that’s the right title for this post but it is a question I’ve found myself asking on a number of occasions recently. In the run up to Christmas I’m always aware there is a good chance that through the festive period my noggin will attack me with a barrage of negativity, this year was no different and still 12 days into 2015 if I had to describe myself with one word it would be simply “pathetic”. I guess I’m feeling a little bit sorry for myself, but that seems very pathetic as while I type this the news is on in the background about the terrible things that have been going on in France and along the bottom of the screen they are talking about the nurse who has contracted Ebola and all that’s wrong with me is a little bit of depression.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my mental health worker and then after that I have a meeting with Health Watch Dudley and the people’s network which all in all will last about 4 hours for both of the meetings but at the moment I find it scary to think about how much energy these meetings will take out of me and how many days of lying around in bed my body and mind will want afterwards…. Last night I went to bed about 8pm and today I didn’t get out of bed until about 14:30, one day last week I stayed in bed for more than 24 hours having only got up once to have a cup of tea and a roll up, my noggin was telling me I just don’t want to be awake cus I just don’t want to be doing anything cus anything I do I just won’t enjoy. And if I do actually do something my noggin will be telling me there are 3 other things I should be doing and if I am doing something it’ll be fucking pointless anyway.
When I am awake I’m finding it difficult to leave the house, I drove to Merry Hill twice last week to exchange a top I’d bought for my Nephew for Christmas, I completely bottled it the first time and didn’t even manage to park. The second time I nearly bottled it again, I walked into the shop and almost turned around to leave but I then noticed the shop was very quiet so forced myself to strap on a pair and stop being so pathetic. It wasn’t just the being up Merry Hill I was finding scary it was the possibility of bumping into people I know and having to have a conversation…. I haven’t felt like this for such a long time!!!!!
People who know me personally never really see this side of me cus I hide it by simply hiding away, but I know that isn’t the answer cus hiding away just perpetuates the problem and helps no body….
As I said earlier I wasn’t sure about the title of this post, but I had asked this question of myself a number of times. It’s a question I just can’t answer and fear that I will never be able to answer. I’ve spent so long in a world of unhappiness with my feelings either being controlled by medication, booze, dictated by others or set out by a badly wired up noggin that I really don’t think I understand feelings and how I should feel about life…. I know that over the last few weeks and months I have let people down with probably what seems like complete selfishness on my part and it probably is based on selfishness but it’s a self preservation selfishness that I have to employ cus I really and truly just don’t understand how to feel and how I should be feeling about my life at this moment in time.
It’s amazing when I get messages like I did on my last post, below:-
Judy Fryer
DECEMBER 28, 2014 AT 10:34 PM
Hey matey, really good to hear from you. I love hearing from you, the good, the bad and the downright ugly….it’s important to let it out and share it amongst those who care about you. I wish I had a magic wand.
Good to know that you have appointments tomorrow.
They will be an important focus.
I, for one, will be thinking of you and hoping things look brighter very soon. Love and a big hug. xx
Bell
DECEMBER 28, 2014 AT 11:18 PM
Hi Jon,
Not sure I’ve ever commented on your actual blog before, rather than through Twitter but wanted to say I think you’ve done brilliantly since I first read your posts in about Feb this year 🙂
The way you’ve tackled your own MH and the NHS are inspiring and I know you’ve been a great help to many including myself!
I know I’ve said I’m not a great fan of duvet days because I’m not sure how helpful they are long term, but mate, if anyone deserves a break it’s you. Everyone stumbles when they’re learning to walk, and even if you fall on your arse, it doesn’t mean you have to start crawling all over again. You are awesome, and don’t you forget it 😉
This is the year we’re getting our shit together… I can feel it 😉
Bxx
Robbie
DECEMBER 29, 2014 AT 4:35 PM
Hi Jon,
Look you have done really well and you know damned well that 15 is going to rock for you. Why? Because you are you it is simple as that.
You mention normal, what the hell is normal? One person’s normal aint going to be mine or yours or the bloke next doors normal is it?
Your normal is your normal Jon, they are your highs and lows and they exist to you in your normality. Enjoy those highs and kick those lows in the backside.
Jon, thank you for your help this year, I was pretty close to losing the plot as you know but with your help and just being there, well I made it through.
Hugs xx
Robbie and Awesome lady
It’s awesome to get messages like this cus it shows exboozehound has made a difference to my life and to others lives, I just wish my noggin would allow me to keep these things in mind rather than running away with the pain and indifference in life it likes to have me festering in.
I will come out the other side of this episode, just like you all will again and again and we will do this by knowing that the bastard that is mental illness just ain’t as strong as we are. At times in this episode I have KNOWN mental illness has me beaten, but I’ve KNOWN this before and I KNOW no matter how many times mental illness try’s to destroy me it NEVER will!!!!
So far 2015 has been a big bag of shite but sooner or later I will bounce back and so will you!!!!Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)
Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.
“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”
Keep going 😉
Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk
Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)
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Phew…..that’s just how I feel having read this blog. Phew because it made my heart beat fast and I had to wipe a tear from my eye. Maybe, although I kinda know things aren’t the best for you right now, maybe I wasn’t expecting to hear just how bad it has been, or maybe it has confirmed what I was hoping, wasn’t happening. I’m going to do an Exboozehound and write just how I was thinking as I read this blog. No prettying it up, no gilding it, no thinking it through, just going to write what I was thinking…..I felt your frustration, your hopelessness, lostness. I could picture you stuck in this place of emptiness and nothingness, this lonely place of confusion and distress….it hurts to know it’s been like this for you BUT all the time I knew, just knew, that there would be a positive from you, a glimmer of light and hope. I could sense your fight and determination, to once again, weather this storm. To once again, wait it through, hang on, until you sense that wind of change, which always comes. ………Love your, ‘ Weebles Wobble but they don’t fall down.’ Big hugs to you my friend. Always thinking of you, always in my heart. xx
Hi Judy, thank you for your comment xx I think you know and I hope others that read the blog know I don’t write this stuff for people to feel sorry for me, I write when I’m in pain hoping people can identify with my words. There is ALWAYS a glimmer of hope!!!!!! At times my noggin wants me to give up to stop the vicious circle of pain, confusion, frustration and lonelyness but I will never ever give up because I know I am stronger than anything mental illness can throw at me. It will never beat me, and people out should know if you keep fighting a day or an hour at the time it will never beat them either!!!!
Keep going