It might be a slight give away with a title like “Fed up!!!!” that I’m still in a bit of a moaning, whining, woe is me phase and it’s been going on for some time now…. But I still don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, that’s not what this is all about. The fact is I’m me, I’m mentally ill and with that comes ups n downs, I know there is more to me than just being a mentalist but sometimes when things ain’t going so well there doesn’t seem to be anything else….
I am fighting really really hard not to wallow, I’m fighting really really hard not to over think it but it seems every time I feel like things are looking up the next day I just can’t get out of bed and when I do get out of bed I just don’t want to do anything or go anywhere and if I do do anything it just seems so pointless…. Because I’ve come so far from where I was a while a go feeling like this now makes me feel like I’m letting myself down and letting everybody down around me who has been there for me…. So if I have let you down I am sorry, I don’t and didn’t mean to.
Over the last few weeks I have said to myself “pull yourself together” it didn’t work!! “Snap out of it” it didn’t work!! “Strap on a pair” it didn’t work!! But shit like that doesn’t work cus simply the way I currently find myself is part of my illness. I’ve got a pathetic head cold and a dodgy back and I can’t snap out of those either!!!! I’ve just gotta keep going knowing there are better times to come and I do KNOW better times will come, eventually they always do.
And when those good times do come around again chances are sooner or later there will be shite times again. I don’t think saying that is negative it’s just realistic, what matters is how you react and deal with those shite times. For whatever reason I haven’t reacted or dealt with this dip very well and there could be many reasons for that, if I spend time trying to work out what those reasons are I will send myself mad (Erm lol, perhaps madder is the better word).
Don’t be surprised by your own illness, collectively that are called mental illnesses the clue is in the title “MENTAL” nothing really makes any sense….
Still there is no shame in ANY mental illness they are simply illnesses, some of us have and some of us don’t….
“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”
Keep going 😉
Jon aka exboozehound
Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)