I have so many thoughts and feelings going around in my head at the moment that I don’t know where I am. Part of me is good, part of me is bad, part of me is horrendous and a lot of me is very tired of it all. I am happy I started this blog I am still getting messages from people saying they are reading it and giving me great feedback and encouragement, some people that I would never think would read a blog like this. I am having some great conversations on Twitter with people I have never met and that have so much to give even though they have battled through so much. There are some good good people out there :).
So i’m going to “Jibber Jabber” on for a bit, soz….
Lets get the nasty bit out of the way first, I still have suicidal thoughts and they vary from thoughts to feelings, they go from “I wish that fat C**T that sat on me beating me unconscious had carried on and done a proper job” and I think about returning the favour, a stint inside would finish me off. They go to “just do it Jon, end the pain, end the hassle, put yourself and the people around you out of the misery”, having said that I am 99.99% sure this is not the answer, it’s “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and through all the thoughts of “failing at life” that would be failing, whilst I am still fighting I am succeeding at life. If you are battling a mental illness and you are still here you are succeeding and you should be proud of yourself, cus it aint easy!! The thoughts are less these days, probably every couple of days rather than every day :).
Although I have a mental illness some of the effects are very physical, tiredness, shaking, slowness, weakness, nausea, twitchy… there are so many more but my lack of concentration means I cant think of them. A lot of the current effects are more than likely down to the 200mg’s of meds a day, but what is the alternative, for me at the moment, there isn’t an alternative. I am pretty sure that the meds I am on are not perfect for me I am also pretty sure that the experts don’t know either, I believe a lot of what the experts do is nothing but guess work!!!! I believe in the placebo effect…… Ibuprofen cures headaches doesn’t it? Yup sometimes…. Nope not all the time….. Tic Tacs do the same?? I have once cured a headache by putting blue-tac on my forehead… Me mad? how dare you!
There are so many mental illnesses and I get it when people feel better when they are given a diagnosis “a label”, it bothers me that my sick note still says “depression” when a GP, Counselor, CPN and a Psychiatrist have spoken about “clinical depression” and “major depression disorder” but what difference does it really make. Fact is we are ill, we have a mental illness, we have mental health issues….. We are most definitely not seeking attention, being dramatic, lazy….. We can’t pull ourselves together, snap out of it, man up….. If we could we would because being where we are is f**king horrendous!!! It is painful most days, when you have a good day there is then further to drop down when you have a bad day, that hurts!! From my AA days there was a saying along the lines of “there is no such thing as a bad day, it’s a bad few minutes or a bad hour” (pretty sure that isn’t the saying but you get me drift) This is a good and bad saying….. If you have a “bad day” maybe you are wallowing a little bit so split your day up into smaller chunks and have a couple of bad hours instead. However having lots of good hours and some bad hours can be very painful and tiring and it can definitely mess your noggin up good and proper!! This is where my “it is what it is” works for me, I try to enjoy the good and I just ride out the bad and in doing that I can cope??
“Thinking is over rated”…. all the questions and thoughts that go through our minds, Why? What if? How? Should I?……. there are no answers to them, and if you do find an answer I guarantee it will be different the next time you answer it, so don’t waste your time and energy thinking about them, easier said than done, i’m thinking good and bad things now but thinking about them ain’t going to change them. You have to either do something about the thoughts and feelings or just accept them and deal with them when you have to. (not sure if that is helpful, but it helps me at the moment). I have to keep in mind that my thoughts and feelings might hurt others but I also have to keep in mind that at the moment my thoughts and feelings are more important than anyone else’s, not a nice thing but sometimes you have to be selfish to protect yourself and your recovery.
Today I am in pain, today I am struggling…… at the moment, this could change so I am just riding it out and lets see where it takes me. There are things that I want to do, there are places I want to go, but worrying about them ain’t going to change anything. If I do those things or go to those places that will be cool, if I don’t “it is what it is” “what happens happens” and of course “shit happens”.
I’m not sure if there is any point to the above “Jibber Jabber” but it has helped me so as I am very good at being selfish i’m gunna put that one down as a “Win” 🙂
Keep smiling 🙂