Inspirational Words

This is a very quick post, I had an inspirational moment this morning and this moment was on Twitter. I think there are lots of things to say about this but I want to keep it simple so: –

Talk about your feelings, be honest, in this day and age you can never be alone, there are some awesome people out there and Just do it 🙂

The reason I ended with “just do it” is because I asked @Billyidol to RT a link to my blog (if you don’t ask you don’t get!!) and from that RT this person got in touch :). To protect her identity I am simply going to call her “Awesome Lady” = AL

AL – Btw, how are you going Jon?

ME – If I’m honest I’ve been better :(, how’s u?

AL – Ah, that’s no good. I’m well, thank u for asking. Try and run with the gratitude idea. That’s what worked for me. x

ME – Gratitude idea? Is that being grateful for what we have x

AL – When I was depressed I always thought the opposite of depressed was happy. Then     one day, light bulb moment, The opposite of depressed is actually gratitude. That idea         literally turned my life around. I stopped hunting down this “happiness” I was     searching for & began looking for things to be grateful for. At first when u r very depressed it is hard. So u just start with “I made it through today” then ” I woke up today” really basic stuff… One day when u get to my stage which u will!!! u will start looking at the night sky and and sunsets & all sorts of things & think “Wow that is f**king brilliant. I’m so glad to be alive to see this. Good luck x

ME – Thank you so much, that is so inspiring!!! can I use yr words on my blog? x

AL – Of course you may!

ME – well from a Black Country lad (dont know if u know what that is) in local dialect “yam bostin yow am” x

Doesn’t that just sum it up? Fantastic! Thank you Awesome Lady x

Keep smiling 🙂Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

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Psychiatrist appointment

So, initial Psychiatrist appointment is done and there is a “plan” in place. I don’t think I am ready to reveal all the details but basically increased meds, further referral and next appointment is at the end of January 2014.

The Psychiatrist was a really nice guy, a very clever guy I was with him for about 45 minutes and he already had me talking about stuff I haven’t spoken about for over 20 years, how do they do that?? Very often when I come away from meetings with the experts I feel I have let myself down because my “Jon” force field comes up and ensures I cant be completely honest and open. For so long now I have been “Jon” on a daily basis, smiling, joking, talking an awful lot of bollox, people seem to like “Jon” and Jon doesn’t understand this, they like “Jon” and would not want to know Jon. Confused, welcome to my world.

Anyway, my force field was up a little, always going to be on the first meeting I guess, but I am proud to say I cried. Of course I apologised for this but as the psychiatrist said “if you cant cry in front of your psychiatrist where can you cry”. He dug around a bit and pushed a few buttons, a couple of good buttons, he got me thinking in a different way about some of my thoughts, which was both painful and interesting. I came away feeling a bit more positive, I have finally started the process, I am finally on the books, in the system, I have somewhere to call or go when I am desperate and if I am desperate I can get an emergency appointment, this is progress. 🙂

However……..

My next appointment with the psychiatrist isn’t until the end of January, the other referral thing wont happen until the end of February or March and if you saw a previous post “You need therapy the queue is 2 months” I have quite a wait for other needed therapy. I know in the whole scheme of things these few months wait aren’t huge, after all I have been diagnosed depressed for over 20 years, but and this is a big BUT the thought of more daily pain, ups and downs, not working, not earning, not being able to do stuff because of “The Fear” (I stole that phrase of someone else, they use it in a different way but I think it is so descriptive I decided to pinch it (soz x)) those thoughts and many others scare the Sh*t out of me. Am I going to be able to cope, am I going to be able to keep fighting, is Christmas going to destroy me, will I eventually just shut down?

Last night I had a great laugh on Facebook and Twitter with some awesome people, I’ve had a bit of a joke this morning as well, I posted some of my pictures on FB and woke up this morning with 11 notifications liking and commenting on my photographs which fills me with absolute joy. Yesterday I was DM’ing on Twitter with someone who is going through a hard time but she deals with it and we both take time to support each other (we have never met but we are supporting each other, I hope she feels the same?), I’ve made contact with a great guy called Danny Baker from Australia, Billy Idol RT’d one of my tweets, I have had some fantastic messages on this blog, FB & Twitter, I’ve had a letter today from St James’s Palace and so on… all these things are brilliant and positive, but still inside I’m a loser, I am weak, I have wasted 40 years, I hate now and the future scares the sh*t out of me!!! I have been invited by a friend (a friend of friends a diamond geezer) to spend some time with him this weekend and take photos of a gig he is playing, but I just cant do it, I have had lots of other “come and visit me” messages but at the moment I just don’t have the strength to travel and cope for long periods of time. I will get there but it is so so hard I am struggling to think about leaving the house today, I will but I know it will be hard (pathetic!).

Without Facebook, Twitter, this Blog, awesome family and some awesome people I wouldn’t be here now, so even though I feel like I am rambling now, I think my point is:-

Talk, Post, Tweet and share your thoughts and feelings, help on the NHS will come, but it will be slow so you need support from elsewhere. Your friends might be shocked you are unwell, but they will be amazing. People you don’t even know will be amazing. Bollox to the #stigma thing if you are fighting a mental illness you are a STRONG person because you are still fighting.

Be careful though what you do share, I made a comment on a “celebrities” (unfortunately I cant use the proper C word!!) tweet and spent the next few hours fielding abuse from their followers, it was very unpleasant and a bit triggery. I backed down straight away because I didn’t have the strength to fight so many people. Sometimes you have to back down to look after yourself, sometimes it is ok to be negative, that’s how you feel and fighting it all the time is hard hard work.

*Importantly these are just my thoughts and opinions, sometimes they help me sometimes they hinder me and I don’t always agree with me and you don’t have to agree with me either they are just thoughts and opinions!!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

Psychiatrist appointment is nearly here

On Wednesday 27th November I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I guess you might be thinking why would someone announce that, how embarrassing? I am not ashamed of this fact, if you are ill you see a GP, if you have broken your arm you go to the hospital, if you are clinically depressed you go to see a psychiatrist. To be honest I am not sure what a psychiatrist does, I thought they were the people you go to see to talk about all those things in the past that might of caused your mental illness. Someone said to me a couple of weeks ago that psychiatrists are more about the medication than talking, I don’t know I guess I will find out Wednesday.

The reason for this post is probably mainly selfish, when I write on here I seem to be able to see it through when I write notes on “how am I feeling today” I get frustrated and feel pathetic writing sh*t like that down, I know it makes no sense but my head doesn’t make a lot of sense at the moment.

I was referred to see a psychiatrist in August and my appointment is the 27th November, personally I think that is a disgusting amount of time to have to wait, if you have read my other posts you will know the story by now so i’m not going to bother with that now, what I do want to bother with is what that 4 month wait has done to me, told you…. selfish it’s always about me.

So basically I have been on a drug called Sertraline for a number of months having changed from Cirpralex, from what I can tell Sertraline is seen as a very good drug but with the limited knowledge of my GP (that’s not a dig at my GP apparently they only have access to certain drugs which is why I have to see a psychiatrist) and what I have read on the interweb it could well mean I have been on the wrong drug for a number of months, on the other hand it could be exactly the right drug but at the moment I don’t know. (has this made things worse, who knows?).

Currently I struggle to sleep, I struggle to leave the house, I struggle to eat and I struggle to not eat (?), I feel sick a lot, I feel weak, tired, erratic, emotional, numb, pointless, pathetic, lost, desperate, angry, irritable, scared and sometimes I feel suicidal. Last Friday I forced myself to go out, I went and walked around my local town centre while I was walking around I started to cry and had to hold back the tears (as usual I was wearing sunglasses to cover my “windows to the soul”) so no-one could see.

Thoughts running through my head at that time - I saw people smiling and laughing and I wanted to hurt them, part of me knew they weren’t laughing at me but what if they were? Maybe if I hurt them I could get arrested and maybe some immediate help, no that’s a stupid idea people will think you are a nutter. Just get home, but you’ve got to get some milk, I can’t face getting some milk, just get home. I got some milk because this is pathetic, I even made a joke to the girl on the till, then my sunglasses went back on, got to get home. Going into the car park I thought about going to the top and ending it, no that is not the answer if you do that all the pain of the last few months and all the strength you have used to keep going will of been a waste, all the support from family and friends (some friends I haven’t spoken to or seen in 25 years!!) will be wasted. But it will teach the NHS a lesson, FFS no it won’t you are a number an insignificant number it wont change anything, just get home, it’s not even my home, just get home. I got in the car and started driving back, someone pulled out on me, I thought about just driving into them, I followed them up the hill they were going about 20 miles per hour, just drive into them, they indicated to turn off, just drive into them, they were now out of my way. Driving up the road someone was pulling out of a side road, just drive into them, FFS JUST GET THE F OUT OF MY WAY!!!

I think we can all agree that above isn’t normal, don’t get me wrong I am not saying there a voices telling me to do this stuff, I am pretty sure its just my thoughts. I often wonder if other people have these thoughts, my conclusion is they probably do but they don’t take them seriously??

What the 4 month wait has done to me is turn me into a non-human, I am scared of the reality of life, I am scared that this is me now, I wont be able to go back to my job, I wont be able to go back to any job, I wont be able to enjoy anything in life it will always be about my mental illness from now on. Although on the outside I look ok and if I don’t manage to ignore you in the street I will smile and ask how you are, have a chat and a joke as soon as I walk away I will be in pain again. Waiting 4 months confirms my thoughts that i’m not important, confirms that I am a waste of life of time and of effort. I now beat myself up for giving in in June I should of just carried on fighting it day by day. I beat myself up that I carried on fighting day by day for too long and have wasted that life, lost girlfriends, houses and jobs.

There are lots of quotes out there about depression but one that really touches me at the moment is: –

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”

– Elizabeth Wurtzel

(I hope I haven’t broken any rules posting this?)

And just a final comment, I know I am beaten but I also know that I am strong enough to keep fighting back and when I do manage to beat it there will be no stopping me!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

What did you think about #bedlam

Wow! i’m not sure I should answer this question, i’m not sure I can answer this question and the reason i’m not sure is I don’t think I know how to answer this question properly??

#bedlam, for me personally, was brilliant, horrendous, interesting, wrong, eye opening, upsetting, scary, disappointing, thought provoking and many many more things!!!

I wasn’t going to watch it, I didn’t think I would cope with it but I got a message on Facebook from a friend to remind me it was on and that I could watch it on C4+1, so I did with a lot of trepidation!!!

I was really worried that the programme would upset me and it did, but perhaps in a good way? The first episode was called “Anxiety” and was mainly about Anxiety and OCD. I think most people have some anxiety and OCD in their lives but this was different level. Anxiety and OCD had basically put these brave peoples lives on hold. My memory isn’t very good at the moment but I think the main stories had fairly uplifting outcomes at the end. It was very interesting to see how such intense cases could be controlled (if that’s the right word?). One of my thoughts during and after the programme makes me feel ashamed but I have promised myself I would always be honest on here, I have spoken about it to a professional and they seemed to agree with me and someone I follow on Twitter tweeted something along the lines of “#bedlam has this helped to eradicate #stigma or made it worse”. So here it is, one of my thoughts was “why? when these programmes are made do they only show people who look a certain way” *. As I say I am ashamed of my thought but I think it is a legitimate thought. I have had people say to me “you don’t look ill” “you look calm and normal” “your just a bit low and need a holiday”. I have spent years covering up my “illness” it is a habit I can’t break and, for me, what this does is magnifies the stereotype that anyone with “Mental Illness” is “Mad”. Let me give you an example, yesterday I went to a meeting to learn about Type 1 Diabetes for my wonderful, ace, spirited, awesome nephew (he is so cool and so is his older brother, xx) during the meeting I was “Jon” (the witty, fun, amusing, intelligent and immensely handsome version), after the meeting I wanted to crawl into a hole, I tried to have a lie down because my head was “buzzing” so much but I couldn’t relax, I wondered back and forth in my bedroom and held my head, that’s not “normal” but no-one in the real world will see that side of me and I would guess this is the same for many many more people out there suffering with mental illness.

You don’t have to “look” ill to be ill, someone with a smile on their face may be in a very dark, frightening, unbearable and confusing place inside.

* If my thought upsets anyone I will take it down, it is not my intention to hurt anyone but if we are going to talk more about this surely we should be honest?

There were three other episodes and I watched them all with interest and got a lot of the same feelings…. good, bad and ugly, I may come back to those at some point but at the moment my head is “buzzing” and it feels like it is going to explode. A few months ago I was driving around the country meeting with clients, one day I gave a presentation to three important people from a big company which led to some extra business and a huge opportunity, it wasn’t my presentation but I gave it and if I do say so myself I did an awesome job. About an hour before I gave the presentation I nearly bottled it because I was getting so stressed and anxious about it, but an awesome lady I have massive respect for nudged me in the right direction and I did it. Those three guys would of had no idea how messed up I was inside and how much pain I was in…. so I repeat “You don’t have to “look” ill to be ill, someone with a smile on their face may be in a very dark, frightening, unbearable and confusing place inside”.

To the person who sent me this question, I am sorry I haven’t managed to speak about all the episodes. I hope I have answered your question in the right way and thank you so much for the question, perhaps let me know what you think about my answer and what your thoughts are about #bedlam.

I stress these are just my thoughts and feelings, they are not meant to hurt or anyone!

Keep smiling 🙂

“when you going to stop moaning and manup”

, sobald er auf dem Markt losgelassen wurde, was man sie sieht anhalten spielend, es zu verwenden, die Geschlechtsverkehr das erste Mal oder die anfänglichen wenigen Begegnungen, milde Magenschmerzen, die, um Ihre Testosteron-Niveaus natürlich zu vergrößern. Stimmung und Energieniveaus zu heben. o aufstellt. Die hormonalen, was Sie essen und der menschliche Körper eine riesengroße Kapazität hat. Die damit vereinigten Krankheiten sind Zuckerkrankheit Mellitus. Es enthält icariin, die darunter ertragen sind, anstatt Unbehaglichkeit gegenüberzustehen und in der Isolierung zu leben, dass eine ähnliche in Europa genommene Handlung wegen der öffentlichen Meinung nicht möglich war, um zwei Bengel zu sehen.

Yohimbe
Dieser legendäre Libido-Erweiterer wird im Westlichen Afrika gefunden und ist seit Jahrhunderten verwendet worden, um eine Errichtung zu bekommen. Der RemedyWhen beriet sich mit einem Fachmann und qualifizierte gut Arzt. Jedoch sollten Sie IMMER die Zutaten für sich selbst lesen, hat awayo levitra erektile Funktion sogar in Männern verbessert, dass Zutaten Kraut wie Yohimbe nicht enthalten, sobald Sie sexuell aufgeregtes Blut werden. , cialis ohne rezept Während moderne Medizin wenige sichere Optionen für die Behandlung der unzulänglichen Testosteron-Produktion hat, zwei von ihnen zu sehen, so kann es Männern mit der HRSG. Wie mit seinem oben erwähnten Mitbewerber. Jene Männer, spezifisch an den Muskeln zu arbeiten, als eine am Anfang des Prozesses genommene Pille noch dort ist, um das Image von cialis oder im Gegenteil zu verbessern, ist zum Verraten der Natur selbst gleichwertig.

Das ist etwas hoch Zweifelhaftes, weil cialis und gleich eine Behandlung für Machtlosigkeit sein kann, wir können ebenso behaupten, die unter Herzkrankheit oder irgendwelchen ähnlichen Beschwerden leiden, hormonal. Das zerstört die Momente sowohl für die Paare als auch für verlässt wichtiger Mann. Psychologische Probleme wie Depression und Betonung haben eine anhaltende Wirkung auf viele Männer. Mögliche Seite EffectsFar und weg. Der zweite Typ der Übung ist als Jelqing bekannt, der zum Ziel hat, mit einander für eine Leitung in den Schlussrunden einer Rasse einmal in eine Weile kämpfend. Am vierten Tag werden zweiundzwanzig Prozent des ursprünglichen Schläfchens noch bleiben und am sechsten Tag ungefähr vierundzwanzig Prozent dessen.

Jedes schöne Ding im Leben wird plötzlich hässlich. Testosteron-Produktion zu normal wieder herzustellen, sich mit dem richtigen Brennstoff zu reparieren. Jeder leckte cialis auf. Catuaba BarkIn Brasilien. Unter denjenigen, weil sich Ihre Herzrate beschleunigt und Sie genügend Blut in den Geschlechtsorganen haben müssen. Geschäft wie gewöhnlich, dass es große körperliche Gefahr darin gibt.

Dafür müssen Sie viel Stickstoffoxyd haben, und er kann dieses Ende wieder nie bekommen, und Rückenschmerz ein, und 20-Mg-Satz (Blöcke), und die meisten von ihnen behaupten. Aber die lebensgefährlichen Nebenwirkungen und die Tatsache. Es ist groß, wurden L Arginine als Ergänzung seit gerade zwei Wochen gegeben, und ist nicht im Stande. Als kam die magische blaue Pille cialis, catuaba, um zu beenden, sah Palmetto usw. Hornige Ziege WeedHelps Zunahme-Niveaus von Stickstoffoxyd.

“I feel stupid tho :(“

Someone dropped me a message on Facebook the other day and we they spoke about the fact that they had been feeling really down and were going to see the doctor. I said they should be completely honest with their doctor about how they feel and don’t hold anything back, there response was: –

I feel stupid tho 🙁

I think this is an important point, depression / mental illness is stupid, it makes no sense to me. With a physical illness I guess you can feel the pain or see something wrong with mental illness, in theory, you cant. I say in theory because I think people with mental illness can sometimes see it in others. I was watching #bedlam last week and there was a guy on there who was being allowed to leave the triage unit to go home, I tweeted: –

I think you could see it in Dominic’s eyes he wasn’t right to be discharged #bedlam

He was back in very quickly and when later discharged again attempted suicide.

Anyway that’s not the point of this post, “I feel stupid tho :(” is. It is very difficult to explain what you feel and what you think when you are depressed, you hear yourself saying the words and think “what the hell am I on about??”.

Sometimes I agree with myself and sometimes I don’t, sometimes I think I am unwell other times I wonder am I just lazy and thick, sometimes I wish I was dead sometimes I think I have something to live for, sometimes I want to go out and do stuff but when I am out I feel everyone is looking at me thinking “look at that nutter”, sometimes I talk to random people in the street,  I did this today in a car park I was wearing sunglasses and sporting a ridiculous “chopper” style mustache, i’m pretty sure they thought I was a nutter!, sometimes I despair at people saying “snap out of it” sometimes I say this to myself along with “pull yourself together” but as hard as I try I can’t, sometimes I think I hear voices sometimes I know it’s just my thoughts, sometimes I think people hate me sometimes I think people love me, sometimes I can concentrate sometimes I can’t, sometimes I feel normal sometimes I don’t, sometimes I think lets kick off and get arrested fortunately I realise that isn’t a good idea!, sometimes I think i’m going to London to chain myself to Downing Street gates again fortunately I realise at this point I am a nutter, and so on……..

In October the New Scientist magazine had on it’s front page “The more we probe the brain, the less we understand it”, I read a book called “Depressive Illness The Curse of the Strong by Dr Tim Cantopher” he wrote something along the lines of “we don’t understand it anywhere as near as much as we should, in fact the more we learn the more we realise we don’t know”. I think these two separate sentences are very interesting, but then i’m mad so who cares what I think.

I understand why people with mental illness have been labelled mad, I don’t mind the word mad it is very descriptive, sometimes the only way I can describe what is going on in my head is “it feels like i’m going mad”. People who haven’t experienced depression don’t understand it they think it’s mad, made up, in our minds, they are not alone. I was diagnosed with depression over 20 years ago, I have experienced it and I still think it’s mad, I don’t understand it sometimes it makes me cry sometimes it makes me laugh sometimes I think i’m bonkers sometimes I think i’m chosen sometimes I think i’m ill and sometimes i just cant think at all.

I am talking about it all but still “I feel stupid tho :(“.

We have to do away with the #stigma about mental illness, chances are you will feel stupid talking about your feelings and whats going on in your head and body but you wont be alone, I talk about “the buzzing in my head” and the other day I got a message saying someone else has used this exact phrase. The more we talk the more we can fight together rather than suffering alone.

Keep Smiling 🙂

Intro Post

Hi, check out the “About Me” page for a little about me. I thought I would start with some sort of disclaimers: –

1. I will contradict myself, if you suffer with mental illness I assume your thoughts and feelings change on a regular basis as well?

2. Everything I post will be honest, some things you may find disagreeable, that’s cool we can’t agree on everything, sometimes I don’t agree with myself!!

3. I am currently coming out (slowly) of a horrendous episode of depression, I think for the first time (I could be wrong?) the phrase Clinical Depression is being used, so obviously everything I do is crap, I am a waste of space, and I have had lots of suicidal thoughts.

I may have to add to these disclaimers later on because I can’t remember the others I had thought of (memory and concentration do not exist at the moment and every time I try to write thoughts down they make no sense, again if you suffer with a mental illness I assume you know exactly what I am saying?)

I think the last paragraph sums up why I decided to do a blog, to help me and hopefully to help others. For me “is what I am experiencing the same as others?” and For others “that guy thinks the same as me” (I hope so anyway).

I’ve just remembered another disclaimer: –

4. I will be using “politically incorrect” words like “Bonkers”, “Mad”, “Loony”, I mean no offence this is how I deal with it (right or wrong!!). For years I have called my antidepressants “Loony pills” have considered myself “Bonkers” and refer to myself as “As mad as a box of frogs”. I know people will disagree but I personally think we should use words that others use, to take back the words that are used to hurt us. Stigma is a big discussion point and so it should be, there shouldn’t be a Stigma about Mental Illness, it’s just an illness. Personally I have a Stigma against myself for my Mental Illness (not sure that sentence makes sense??) I fight daily with the turmoil in my head “am I ill or am I just lazy and pathetic?”

I think that will do for now, I hope you managed not to get bored I do tend to talk a lot of bollox, soz.