Awesome and tough day

Strange one today….I saw the psychiatrist for the second time and unfortunately had to post this on my return: –

image

I say unfortunately, because I have to go back a bit on what I have said before, don’t get me wrong I still think the NHS is broken, I have always said the NHS staff are very good (mostly!) and also let down by the NHS system. However I am wrong to call all psychiatrists “book monkeys” (I will continue to call them this, sorry). I guess I cant name the noggin doc I saw for the second time today, but he has gained my trust today because he spoke like a human being and a lot, maybe even most of what he said made sense. A mate of mine commented on Facebook in reply to  the remark about them “using sales techniques”: –

“I think us sales people use their techniques me old fruit!”

My reply was: –

“Very good point!! Bollox!!!! X”

Although I can admit I am wrong, I don’t like to 🙁 . You will however notice I replied to myself on Twitter with a little comment for Jeremy Hunt, not that he will read it or do anything about it, but hey ho.

It was a tough day because I wasn’t looking forward to seeing the psychiatrist again, but like most things it worked out better than I had thought. It’s was an awesome day because he seemed very pleased with my progress, he has put on hold the extra drugs he mentioned last time, which I was very very happy about, and he was very complimentary about the coping mechanisms I have put in place and adapted myself. I will now see him again in 2 months, when he said that last time I found it very stressful, this time I know I can cope and progress.

Before anyone starts thinking “careful Jon, don’t get a head of yourself” I know this and am prepared for it, a few weeks back I had a situation that made me realise I wasn’t as stable as I thought (click here for post on this) I did some very silly things that I’m ashamed of and I still regret, but I can’t change them I have to move forward. Because of this realisation moment I had to reevaluate and adapt, I now know what I have to do and if those things start to stop working I will reevaluate and adapt again. I am building a good “exboozehound recovery dictionary” and a very strong “exboozehound library of life mottos” and these will help see me through. I’m going to try to put together the above “dictionary” and “library” for my next post. I think regular readers will probably know a few of these by now!!

There was obviously other stuff discussed during the appointment, but some things I have to keep to myself, at least until I get my noggin around them anyway.

I will finish with a statement of fact: –

 “I am stronger than I have ever been, I know I have mental health issues but I’m not ashamed of that. Mental illness has made me what I am today and what I am today is a good guy, a strong guy, a loyal guy, an honest guy, a dependable guy (not always), and finally a collections of “Jon’s” that I am starting to like”Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Ok that’s a bit over the top, but fuck it, it’s been a long time since I have been able to say “I like me”.

Keep smiling 🙂

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);

2nd Psychiatrist appointment Wednesday

As the title suggests my second psychiatrist appointment is almost here and it has me a little wound up…. I should be able to remember when I last saw him but I can’t, think it was end of November beginning of December I could look the date up but I can’t be arsed…..

Why am I wound up? I don’t know really there are various reasons, I guess he will be able to tell me on Wednesday, but I am going to use this post to try and work out why I am wound up. This goes against a lot of things I have said in the past but it is important I get as much out of my second appointment as possible…..

The last time is saw him, I was quite impressed, he had me talking about stuff I have never spoken about, he had me crying and he had me being about as honest as I have ever been able to be with a noggin doctor. He put up my meds to the top dose and talked about another drug we might try next time if needed. All good really, nice guy, seemed to know what he was doing and eventually had a positive effect on me…. I say eventually because I think it stressed me out a bit for a while last time, but overall positive, I think?

I’m concerned he is gunna say stuff like “tell me about your childhood” and “how did that make you feel” etc etc, but the truth is there was nothing wrong with my childhood. I don’t actually remember a lot, I get confused when I here people say stuff like “my first memory was when I was about 3…..” WTF???? How the hell do you remember that stuff, I don’t….. I can tell stories from my childhood, but I think that is because they are stories that are told over and over again, I don’t actually remember them, this makes me a little sad. If you have read other blogs about booze and mental illness I guess you will of read “I always thought there was something different about me as a child, I never felt like I fitted in anywhere, I always felt on the edge of everything, I could feel lonely in a crowded room etc….” Might sound like bollox but I know they are real feelings, these are probably the only things I do remember. If he starts asking stuff like that I will just be honest, it’s the way I roll these days.

I am also concerned because I had a letter from the chief executive of my local NHS mental health trust this week with the “FINDINGS” (LMFAO!) from the investigation into my formal complaint (click here for details if you have some spare time!). I don’t think it is wise for me to go into my feelings and thoughts on these findings, all I will say is “NOT IMPRESSED!!!! AND THE FIRST GUY I MET WITH WAS REALLY GOOD AND I FELT COMPLETELY GENUINE BUT THE CHIEF EXECUTIVES LETTER HAS UNDONE ANY TRUST I HAD IN THE INVESTIGATION!” I will leave it there, I have already had a rant on social media and sent a message to the local trust…. Oh just one more thing, there is a week between the date on the letter and the post mark on the envelope, nope I’m not making it up, UN FUCKING BELIEVABLE! I have a letter assuring me that my complaint will in no way effect the treatment/therapy I receive, I do not believe this and I can prove it has effected my treatment/therapy but I’m keeping that bit to myself for now.

I’m concerned because although I accept I just have an illness, I don’t bloody want it, it’s hard work. I am going to give you an example of why it is hard work, I want to preempt this by saying my issues are my issues, I would not be where I am today without the support of my family!! They have been amazing! Although it is important I have therapy and I take meds I have no hesitation in saying the NHS has mainly hindered my recovery, where I am today is down to family, friends new and old and the strength inside me!

So the example… I have changed my mind I’m not going to give an example, but what I will say is because I speak about my mental health and my family and friends support me I am able to just be me and if I need to walk away for a couple of minutes or leave suddenly no-one questions it they just accept it. This gives me a lot of strength, this allows me to “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”, this allows me to start to “Find Jon a Serene Jon” (there is a message within that and there is only one person that will understand it :p). Because of the support of family and friends I am beginning to find Jon and there is definitely serenity emerging, I never liked whoever that Jon was before and could never understand why people did like him. I don’t want you to read that as a negative or think “fucking nut job” I want you to read that as a positive. I will never be a born again Christian but I am a born again Jon, I am a born again exboozehound. I have a couple of new tattoos they are simply “exboozehound”, “1973”, “2003” and “2013”. We know exboozehound is me, but what about the dates, they are the years I was born: –

1973 – year I was born
2003 – year I gave up booze and was born again
2013 – year I finally went dolallytap and was born again because I finally had to address the shit I tried to hide for 20 years.

Good place to end I think?

Keep smiling 🙂

The power of social media

Slightly off subject and I will be keeping this short.

I always said I would never go on Facebook and when Twitter was suggested to me I tried it and I did not understand it. Twitter was where the name exboozehound was finally made official I had called myself it for a long time, but Twitter made it real, now I have my blog and I have it tattooed on my chest 🙂 .

I have accounts with most of the social media sites now, I have a poor understanding of most of them and usually can’t remember all the bloody passwords but I have the accounts so I am cool and down with the kids.

I did some maths last night, by choice, (yes I am sad!) and added up my followers followers the total was over 6,000,000! AMAZING! Since then I have a few more followers with an amazing amount of followers.

The reason I did this, apart from being sad, was to see what the potential reach a Tweet could have. I know I’m not going to reach them all but the potential is there in theory.

I have an issue with the NHS at the moment and I am not going to give up, I may very well be asking for your help very soon!

Catch u all soon 🙂

Keep smiling 🙂

Dog with 2 dicks

“Happy as a dog with two dicks”
“A phrase used when a great sense of self achievement has been reached, or one is seriously happy.
That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind. I tell you, I’m as happy as a dog with two dicks me.”
Neil Armstrong, 21st July 1969
I have been fortunate to meet (all be it virtually!) some awesome people through my blog. Unfortunately I let one of these people down, I hope to rectify that at some point. One of the people I have met via this blog and Twitter is @VeronicaValli she is awesome!! Now, I have to say I thought I might of ended our friendship very quickly when I questioned if the answer to a question she was posing was actually in the blog post… but I have said before my policy is honesty “If I can’t be honest I wont say anything at all” (and trust me for a former salesman that ain’t easy!!). Veronica was very gracious and took no offense, which I think is very important… Agree or disagree there is no one solution to any issue, there are always options…..
I could decide to walk up to the shop forwards or I could walk backwards I would still get to the shop….. walking backwards might be a bit more difficult and more dangerous but chances are I will still get there…..
(as an aside I went to my local  shop recently dressed like a badly dressed homeless person (sorry), none of my family enjoyed it, my nephew described me as “a div” and someone very key to my current positive frame of mind made me promise I will never use the photos again! I got some funny looks and I can imagine people thinking “how come they’ve let him out” but you know what I enjoyed it, I believe it empowered me to cope with paranoia moments in the future “Whats the worst that could happen?”)
To regular readers it wont be a surprise I have gone off subject a bit! The point of mentioning Veronica, I tweeted today “This is a MUST READ…..” and it is, I promise you. Veronica knows I cant agree with everything she writes, partly on this subject because I don’t have “faith” and I don’t understand “spirituality” both of those words scare me, if they scare you and you think like me “i’m not into all that hippy bollox” you are wrong my friend, I am wrong (i’m not but I am??) read it and take from it what helps you…. I have…. Thank you Veronica :).
Ok, “Dog with 2 dicks”….. Why?….. Today has been a goooooood day for various reasons, one of them I cant talk about, others I wont talk about and of course I ain’t gunna bother thinking too much about “WHY?” because it is wasted energy, the real answers are “Who Knows!” “It is what it is” “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” “Live in the moment”
But I will list a couple: –
  • The other day I took my nephew to Martial Arts, he was awesome!, on the way back we had “Eat, sleep, rave, repeat” on very loud in the car, the rules are after the lady finishes her part you have to go bonkers…… 🙂 (I have no problem with that, lol). Today I pulled up to my Dads house and the Sis pulled up along side me with my 2 nephews and 2 other sprogs, they were all bouncing up and down like nutters 🙂 . I had to get me some of that action, so I walked down the road with “Eat, sleep, rave, repeat” playing on my phone. As I got close my younger nephew ran up to me and gave me a high 5 (“Gem” moment),  I carried on walking down and when I got to the older nephew we waited as the song got to the bonkers bit…. Sis and the other sprogs stood there looking at us in puzzlement. Then it came “Bonkers time” which led to a 40 year old mentalist (sorry) and a 9 year old jumping up and down sort of head banging, in a respectable road as well!! (needless to say he had better rhythm than me, but hey ho I can eat more than him and always will be able to (Ollie ;-p ).
  • I received a DM today on Facebook (I have taken some private stuff about others out) : – 

“…Crikey you have a wasted talent for writing!… Your blogs are compelling reading and you have a real talent for reaching people. Please consider when you are well and strong (it will happen, believe that) please please consider writing your experiences or even deviate and write some dark violent northern tale, but either way, you should know you have a talent… It’s something to think about… But writing doesn’t need an office, you don’t need to travel and until your established, there’s no deadline! Please consider or at least keep my idea at the back of your mind!!.., Keep going big guy! I have every faith in your abilities and look forward to one day, downloading you on my kindle!”

What can I say to that?…… OOF!! I have started my book (might be delusional but “it is what is is”). This DM tipped me over, about 10 people now have said the same thing about me writing a book….. So lets do it, hopefully it will help people understand Mental Illness and Alcoholism from an extremely honest point of view, my point of view will be disagreed with in many circles but, there is no one solution to any issue (and everyone is allowed to have views and opinions as long as they agree with mine!)… and I have to show this tweet again: –
junction project 

  • I’ve had a couple of private conversations on Facebook today one of which has left me speechless, seriously that doesn’t happen often, if at all, but i’m speechless and numbed with happiness 🙂 .

Sorry, there is still more I need to say today…….

Even through my Mental Illness I am happy, I mean no disrespect to anyone when I say this, my lack of happiness has never been down to other people it has been down to me. I have now let go and am addressing something I have hidden as best I could for 20 years, people have known for this amount of time that I suffer with depression but so many people do these days. I think I always knew it was more than just depression (I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way, I find it hard when people say they are depressed because there football team has lost and other things like that, I especially found it hard when a “famous” doctor (fucking jumped up arrogant book monkey!!) tweeted something along the lines of “Is there a medical term for the depression and desperation felt when you come to the end of a box set “ My reply was “for a doctor I think this comment is disgusting, basically making light of mental illness, did u learn that from a book?” He then was happy to let his followers attack me and carry on with his arrogant bullshit!)

Nearly finished I promise…..Watch Cyberbully (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

I recently decided to try and keep my Facebook page separate from this blog and Twitter for a couple of VERY IMPORTANT reasons but I was persuaded tonight to keep things as they were. I did this in part due to possible future #stigma after all I am an alcoholic with mental health issues, not a very good prospect for the future, alcoholics fall off the wagon all the time and the mentally ill are dangerous…… Bollox I was more dangerous when I hid it all, having it all out in the open (maybe a bit too open sometimes!) makes me no risk at all because I am honest and selfish enough to say “i’m feeling a bit yampy i’m gunna leave or go for a walk or have a kip”. Lets just flip back to my earlier “empowerment” “What’s the worst that could happen?”. Sometimes I can’t handle being around people, sometimes I feel people are laughing at me, sometimes I feel people are judging me. I don’t know why and it happens a lot less now, all I do is remove myself from the situation, simple, keep adapting and reevaluating, be honest with yourself and others and you will find some happiness and serenity. Veronica has serenity, i’m working my way towards it, if I had followed Veronica’s path maybe I would now have serenity, but all the shit of the nearly 11 years since I gave the booze up has been hard and has made me ill, it has also made me the man I am today, the man who receives DM’s like the one above, the man that school friends I haven’t seen for 25 years say they are proud of me, the man that a number of people have said is inspirational, that’s got to get you thinking (especially you Alex!), surely that has you thinking?

New readers may be thinking wheres this Black Country Yam Yam numpty got the word “serenity” from, Google “The Serenity Prayer” or as I prefer to call it “The Serenity Thingy” I just drop the first “G” word :-/ . This thingy has got me through a lot of scrapes!!!! (i’d say other search engines are available but lets be honest there aren’t!).

And now I am going to become an Author (lol) I have no choice but to get me one of them iPad things, it’s the law….. Any sponsors for this essential equipment are most welcome 🙂 .

“It is what it is”

“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

“Live in the moment”

“exboozehound – 1973 – 2003 – 2013”

#timetotype

“Share me, Tweet me, RT me, but please don’t mistreat me” (well… it depends on your definition of mistreat really….. mmmmm”)

Keep Smiling 🙂

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);

Today has been a day…

Sorry me again……….

Before I start I have registered a new hash-tag #timetotype it is important to talk and get our feelings and thoughts out there but a lot of the time these days we don’t actually talk we type, we type via social media, hence #timetotype.

Today has been a day… I had many things planned today and I did very few of them. This morning I went to a meeting called “Coffee and Cope” organised by an organisation called Rethink check out there website, they are very good! I apologised a number of times during the meeting as I didn’t appear to be able to stop my gob moving, it was moving in a positive way but perhaps moving a little too much. The others there seemed happy enough and were very kind about me, in particular my new mate Rog, he said some things to me that moved me a lot, thank you Rog 🙂 . The positivity wasn’t faked like it has been in the past it was natural 🙂 .

After the meeting I bumped into someone I hadn’t seen for a good while, we spoke a bit about there fantastic news and a bit about my not so good experiences over recent months, but I was still positive about the negativity and I was really happy to here there news!!! I then wondered around the town a bit and started to feel a bit shite, so I ditched my plans and went back home for a bit of a kip. Before I began to feel shite I had the pleasure of being approached by a well know telecomms company about there broadband, the conversation went a little like this: –

Them: Can I ask who your broadband is currently with?

Me: None of your business.

Them: ok, can I ask how much you are currently paying a month for it?

Me: You can ask. but I wont tell you… what I will say is my old man pays for it so I don’t really care.

Them: Ha Ha (nervously 🙂 ) Have you ever considered… (I best not name them so lets just call them “Con Monkey’s”) …Con Monkey’s?

Me: Nope, I have experienced Con Monkey’s service and to be honest they would have to pay me to take their broadband.

Them: That can depend on the area, we always check to make sure you can get the sort of coverage and service you require.

Me: Do you, that’s very good of you…

Them: (with a look of defeat) Well thank you for your time today.

Me: Thank you for yours as well, have a good day now… I walked away with a very pleasant feeling 🙂 .

I wasn’t rude, I had a smile on my face during the conversation.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want to demonstrate how I can go from feeling great to feeling shite in a very short period of time for absolutely no apparent reason. I don’t worry about the why because I don’t think it can be answered and of course “it is what it is”.

I got back home and had a bit of a kip, only for about 40 minutes but that’s the way it goes these days, sleep is not really my area of expertise. I had something really cool I was going to be doing later on and that was to take my nephew to Martial Arts, I was looking forward to that a lot!! I worried a little about it and as I was getting ready I nearly bottled it, but i’d had a text of my Sis earlier to say he was really excited I was taking him. So I strapped on a pair and away we went, he’s a good kid we had a good chat on the way there, probably some inappropriate chat, but I have promised both of my nephews I would always be there for them and always willing to be a bad influence. I watched him doing his stuff for about half an hour and I was so proud, he was the best there by a long long way, that’s not me being a bias Uncle, he has started at a new dojo recently so has had to start from the beginning. He is already belted up in Karate and Kick Boxing, I think this one is called Mixed Martial Arts, he was awesome!!!!! On the way back we played music extremely loudly and bounced up and down like nutters 🙂 . I played a couple of tunes he wanted and then I introduced him to a bit of Linkin Park, which went down well 🙂 .

The point of telling you this is?? If I hadn’t strapped on a pair I wouldn’t now have that “Gem” moment in my life….. It is sometimes really really hard to do very simple things but it can be so worth the effort. If you find something really hard to do sometimes you may have to back off but if you can, give it a go….. what’s the worst that could happen???

Why is the post titled “Today has been a day…”? Because it has been good, it has been bad, it has been scary, it has been exciting, it has been long, it has been short, it has been disappointing, it has been satisfying, it has been lonely, it has been full of people, it has been so many things but in the end it has just been a day.

I have a funeral to go to on Wednesday and I wish I had someone to go along with me but I don’t and if people offered I would probably say no, who knows? Of course I have started to worry it is going to trigger something in me…… But worrying about what might happen is not the way I roll these days, as I said in the last post one of my new motto’s is “Live in the moment” so I am going to stop worrying because if I worry myself out of it and don’t go I will regret it, it won’t be easy and may be very very difficult but at this point I’m not thinking about it anymore…… “Thinking is overrated”.

Keep Smiling 🙂

#timetotype

Words are powerful to me

I would never class myself as a wordsmith, in fact if I ever use a word of a certain intelligence level I have to pause to see if people react differently to expected in case I have used the wrong word. I have insulted a lot of people when I have been trying to sound intelligent.

However words are powerful, for a while now I have been in sales, of different sorts, and I believe a single word can make the difference to getting a sale/appointment or not. I don’t think this needs explanation on here, but I can’t help saying that I had a cold call today from an investment company and the person on the other end of the phone wouldn’t know a positive telephone approach if it smacked them in the face!!!!

So the point of this post, I posted this on Face Book today: –

live in the moment

 

I honestly believe these motto’s have kept me going and ultimately kept me alive, I think I came up with “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” I don’t remember reading it elsewhere so I am going to make a claim to it, I know the other 2 motto’s are from elsewhere but they work for me. I seem to remember commenting recently something along the lines of “recovery from alcoholism and mental health is as complicated as you make it” I definitely remember not agreeing with myself immediately, but there is something in it: –

“It is what it is” for me I cant change the fact I have a bad day then 2 good days then perhaps 3 up and down days, but since I decided to just accept these days change for many reason and I will never answer the specific reason, perhaps because there isn’t one. So “It is what it is”.

“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” for me this is just about going with it, sometimes I would find myself feeling guilty for having a good day or a good couple of hours so it would make ill again. I know I am going to have times when I am bouncing off the walls or doing manic ridiculously out of order, scary stuff (FJ&SJ, that’s a private thought but I wanted to mark it in black and white) so I just have to deal with those how ever I can. And now when the good things happen I enjoy them and don’t feel guilty about it (Guilt is a waste of time and energy!!!!). (as and aside if you Google “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” this blog shows up on the first page :)).

“Live in the moment” we all know what this means, life can be complicated for many reasons but if we don’t concentrate on the now and enjoy what we can what is the point? I have heard this phrase a thousand times but it was said to me last night and it finally made sense!!!!!

“Words are powerful to me” because they work as a “trigger” in reverse, I know what these words mean and I know what I have to do (sometimes I cant do what I have to do but “It is what it is”), Maybe they are just a distraction technique, perhaps they are a placebo effect, perhaps this time next week these motto’s will no longer help, but today they do and that’s all that really matters.

*Disclaimer – I am a hypocrite because I have things in my mind that I want to happen, but if I spend all my time trying to make them happen exactly the way I want I’m not going to have time to enjoy what is happening and whatever has happened before I can’t change. The things that I want to happen are very new things for me so i’m gunna enjoy then as much as I possibly can and gather together as many “Gem” moments as possible :).

I know there were other points I wanted to make in this post but I cant remember them at the moment……

I had a very proud moment the other day by promoting this blog on Twitter as much as I could my Followers increased massively and I got an awful lot of RT’s and Favourites. One of my favourites was a fantastic description of me and my blog: –

junction project

In a Twitter conversation with @unsuicide I suggested a campaign called “Time to Type” and it was suggested I setup a Hashtag, this I had to Google and I have now setup #timetotype. Talking is important but how often do we talk today, we type a lot more! So if you get chance please use #timetotype.

And for now… last but definitely not least thank you to all that have followed, replied, RT’d, Favourited etc over the last couple of days, please keep doing it. If you like what I say/type please let me know and if you disagree let me know as well!!

Keep Smiling 🙂

#timetotype

 

Whats the point?

The title of this post may seem negative but I promise you it isn’t!!!

The questions is about whats the point of this blog and the answer is it varies depending on where my noggin is on that day. On the first page of this blog “About Me” there is a paragraph that goes like this: –

“I have started this blog to share my experiences, good and bad. I am going to be completely honest and I guarantee I will contradict myself from time to time.”

On my “Intro Post” I wrote a number of disclaimers. I hadn’t planned to swear quite as much as I have, I have used *’s a lot but I have left someone of the swears pure. If you saw my recent attempt at poetry (lol) you will know swearing is actually cool!!! 

Remember you need to rhythm to “Santa Claus you c**t” in your head to read it correctly…..

depression you cunt

 

I have stated my views on the NHS most of them negative, justifiably!!, but I always speak positively about NHS staffl. Yesterday I needed to call a crisis line for help, I’ve had poor experiences with these lines before. I believe that most of us are happy to complain but don’t give credit where credit is due enough, I try to do both, recently I had an on-line conversation, I am very happy with the deal I squeezed out of them but complimented the person on their sales skills, sorry customer service skills (?!?!) and when I received a “satisfaction survey” I went to town with praise for their operative “Nicola”. So “Marie” credit where credit is due, you were fantastic yesterday when you called me back from the crisis line, (yes you had to call me back because when I first tried to call the line it was engaged twice….) you are another example of brilliant, caring and knowledgeable NHS staff, Thank you!

So, “Whats the point?” of this blog, I still don’t know but I do know what I want the point to be…….

Honestly I want to help me but more importantly I want to help others, I want to make a difference. I can’t get back the 20 years of my life I have wasted with booze and mental illness but I can do something to help others not waste years of their lives. I have destroyed so many things in the past and the present and this is where my destructive tendencies stop!!!

I need to raise the profile of this site and I need YOUR help, I guess admitting you read this blog is embarrassing but so many of you have complimented me on my “honesty and openness” in private. You could be reading this blog because you have a loved one with booze or mental health issues nobody needs to know why you are reading this BUT PLEASE TELL PEOPLE. I have used my family connection to @BillyIdol, he RT’d me and I gained some followers from Australia, America, Canada and the UK. Please please follow me on Twitter and invite others to follow me, please RT me. Please like and share my blog posts on Facebook, I know there are people out there that read the blog but have never liked or shared a link. If you know or are related to anyone influential be it just mouthy or famous please get them to follow and RT me on Twitter. You can subscribe to receive posts by email but it doesn’t always work so Twitter is the place WE need to concentrate on.

If you are embarrassed about reading my blog I understand if you have to tweet something like “@exboozehound lol this bloke is proper mad as a bucket of frogs #bonkers” that’s cool.

Thank you in anticipation for your help, yam all bostin!!!

Tweet, Re-tweet, Favourite, Reply, Share, Like, Comment and of course Keep Smiling 🙂

Stable? Are you F**K!

I have realised today I’m not as stable as I thought, if i’m honest I have been slowly realising this over the last few days. I went to a meeting this week, the presentation given was titled “Adult Social Care Budget Engagement – What’s Important to You?” it may not sound very interesting but it was. There weren’t many people there and as usual I think I had the most to say, most of it negative or as we say in sales “constructive criticism” . However I have been in touch with one of the guys who gave the presentation and they appear to be interested in my feedback, even though I said things like “Your websites are pathetic” and “The government don’t want to fix the NHS it’s not in their interest it’s too expensive and they want to get rid”. After this meeting I was not well and in the meeting I could feel my twitching and buzzing head coming on, hard work but hopefully worth it. I didn’t start realising anything at this point.

On Friday I met with a friend for a McDonald’s (other eating establishments are available, but just in case I can get some free stuff… Excellent food, excellent service, would recommend) we sat and talked about various stuff and I started to notice I was talking at 100 mph and feeling a bit manic. I started to get a bit stressed and thinking people where watching me thinking “Nutter”. Strangely I can’t remember Saturday…… Hey ho “it is what is is”.

Today has been a strange one and as at about 23:00 I had decided I need to put myself in hospital, I just want to be dosed up and out of it for a while to get some peace. However i’m pretty sure they wont hospitalise me unless i’m a danger to myself or others…. The problem is I’m not a danger to others (never have been never will be) and even through all the pain of the last couple of days i’m still not a danger to myself. I could lie and say I am, but I don’t lie anymore it is now my policy that if I can’t be honest I don’t say anything. I need to say at this point if you are reading this and you think this is your fault, IT ISN’T!! “it is what it is” remember “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” and “Guilt is a waste of energy”…. If I didn’t want to help I wouldn’t have I would of just left you to it, if anything you have helped me realise I need to reevaluate and re-plan…. So I helped you and you helped me… End of!! 

I have written two poems in the last couple of days, one of them is pretty private and very important to me and the other one I posted on Face Book earlier, there are a lot of *’s!!!! You need to know an old song called “Santa Claus You C**T” to know the rhythm (?) of the words, they fit to this tune (just about): –

A poem by exboozehound entitled “Hey Depression You C**T”

Hey Depression you c**t
Were still in a fucking fight
You tried to take my life from me but you’re a fu**ing pussy shite
Yes you had a proper go and you’re still fu**ing with my mind
But you aint got a fu**ing chance cus you’re a fu**ing pussy shite
You’ve took my house, my job, my cash but you are gunna find
I’m stronger than you you c**t
And i’m gunna be just fine
Yes you you c**t you’ve lost the fight
Have you got the message yet
You’re a fu**ing pussy shite!!

Ok….. it’s not Shakespeare, and I couldn’t make the last bit fit as it should, but I think it has certain qualities (??). I thought I felt alright this morning, I was speaking with someone on Face Book they asked “are you struggling today?” and I replied “not really, bit weird but im on top form for a loon bag 🙂 x”. I don’t think they believed me, I believed me. Reading it back I no longer believe me because very soon after that I began to mis-behave….. I thought my poem (if that’s an accurate word?) was positive, I’m now unsure…. I’m not going to worry about that cus as we all know by now “it is what it is”.

At about 20:30 tonight I posted another fairly telling thing on Face Book and I pasted a link to this post into comments on the Face Book pages of Jeremy Hunt, Norman Lamb, David Cameron and Ed Miliband, yup I kid you not :-/, I also emailed the link to two of Norman Lamb’s people, yes two :-/. But you know what I don’t regret it, maybe I will at some point but at the moment I stand by my post 100%: –

I hope you 2 useless fuckwits are having a relaxing Sunday. I’ve spent a lot of mine talking to someone on Twitter who is very close to taking an overdose because your fucking NHS is a complete and utter waste of space. I will be meeting with my local MP soon and I hope he will pass on my exact thoughts on to you although I would prefer to do it in person. Sort it out or admit you can’t and fuck right off!!!

https://www.facebook.com/jeremyhuntsws
I also tweeted: –

@Jeremy_Hunt A monkey cld do yr job better & u @normanlamb one of yr people once replied to me on FB & then nothing. #mentalhealth #nhs

It didn’t end there, there were also a number of other tweets, below are a couple of the better ones: –

@Jeremy_Hunt @normanlamb @APMiller1949 They need to strap on a pair and admit they can’t and don’t want to fix the NHS

And…..

@Jeremy_Hunt @normanlamb @APMiller1949 it’s not about mental health to them tho it’s about numbers, bullshit and votes

I think we can probably agree i’m not as stable as I thought. I have been a bit of a mad man over the last couple of days. I’m not ashamed and I wont feel guilty because they are pointless wastes of energy, yes I’m not happy if I have upset or worried anyone but they know I don’t mean any harm. A few weeks ago I was a danger to myself, now i’m not and I can prove it, I will tell you a little secret…. Today I went to Asda and I parked on the top floor, when I got out of the car I smiled and said “fuck you” (I was speaking to the car park, Oof! probably shouldn’t admit that!). I did a little bit of shopping then got in the lift to go back to the top floor, as I got out of the lift I put on my Ray-Ban’s (any free stuff would be most welcome, there really isn’t any other sunglasses worth wearing!) lit a cigarette and walked around the whole perimeter of the top floor, smiling like a loon. I used to poo my pants up there it really worried me, but now I was laughing at the place it no longer holds any fear for me…… :).

So, we know I could be a little more stable but we also know I have come a long way…. is my poem positive or negative? Who knows but one bit that I know is positive is: –

You’ve took my house, my job, my cash but you are gunna find
I’m stronger than you you c**t
And i’m gunna be just fine
Yes you you c**t you’ve lost the fight

Please continue with me on my journey, I am proof that it does get better, you can cope, you will continue to cope, you are strong enough, you are worth it, people love you, people want you to get better, people want you to be happy, you will find happiness (perhaps not all the time, but keep a note of the “gem” moments they will mount up), yes you will have wobbles and bad times but all you have to do is keep adapting, be honest with yourself and the people around you, it’s pretty simple really just…….

“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Now, what was I gunna do next, oh yes bring down the government…..

Keep Smiling 🙂Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);

Play Acting

Play Acting has been a very important tool in my life and I’m sure it has been, and is, in other peoples lives with or without mental illness. It keeps you going and taking part in “Normal Life” but, for me, eventually it became too tiring and confusing. I still have to do it at times but a lot less these days.

To the question ” are you OK?” the answer would always be something like “Yeah cool”, these days I am more often honest and say “No, not really but I will be”. Although I am doing this blog, me answering in this way is not me after attention and sympathy, it is not me doing the old “woe is me” thing, it is just the truth and I find that truth incredibly freeing. (Give it a go and say F**K OFF to “English Pleasantries”).

The reason for this post is a question my Dad put to me yesterday, “you seemed to of been fine over the last couple of days it hasn’t all been play acting has it?” and my Mom texted “u seem 2 have coped quite well”…… No, it hasn’t all been play acting and I have coped better than I thought I would and most of that is down to the people around me. My family and friends all know I am unwell and they seem to be happy to just accept that, they help when I ask but they accept that I might disappear suddenly and that I might be quite for a while (I think they actually enjoy the “quite” thing cus I do tend to talk a lot of bollox!!). Yesterday I had been invited to go over to my cousins and I really wanted to go, but in the end I just couldn’t as I wasn’t feeling too good in the noggin, it’s a shame but “it is what it is” when you find the courage to speak about your mental illness most people accept it and so they should because at the end of the day it is just an illness if I had a broken leg I wouldn’t be expected to drive to a get together, I have a Mental Illness and mentally I could not cope with lots of people yesterday.

Yesterday I posted on Face Book: –

“Starting to see the point of them sprog things… Yesterday my older nephew wanted to sit by me at lunch and today my younger nephew wanted to sit next to me aswell, earlier i did his insulin injection for him and when I popped down my bro’s to rob all the ingredients for tea the littleun just came up to me and gave me a hug… Turned a strange day into a top day :)” 

A friend of mine has got a nipper that seems to like me, I bought him a Santa’s Little Helper costume for Christmas, at first he cried when the hat was put on, so I put it on my head and he laughed. He then spent the next 15 minutes running around like a nutter and when the hat fell off (I think on purpose) he kept coming to me to put the hat back on……. Priceless 🙂

So…. to the point of this post……. Don’t hide your Mental Illness, yes you will probably have to do some “Play Acting” at times but you can be honest as well and that honesty will free you, hopefully? Being Mentally Ill is nothing to be ashamed of “it is what it is” you are ill, you haven’t asked for it and you definitely don’t enjoy it and the “attention and sympathy” it brings you!!! You can do something about it, you can fight, ask for help and take that help. You can try everything possible to give you a better chance whatever that is, if someone told me that if I stood in a bucket of custard for 10 minutes a day it would cure my Mental Illness, I would do it :). If it stopped working I would try something else.

Accept that you are unwell and there is something you can do about it, be honest, talk about it (even those things that seem bonkers to you in your head might make sense to others) and keep fighting!!!

Keep Smiling 🙂

Merry Christmas….. Bah Humbug

G’day all, the day is here…….aarrgghh!! This is the day you have been dreading for weeks, maybe even months but it is here and the world hasn’t and wont end…. it’s just a day!

Personally I have been fairly ill (mentally) over the last few days, i’m not sure if it’s the drugs (prescription!) or today, I have been manic for days, everything has been going at 100 miles an hour, emotions have been up and down….. a lot!!! During a really strong manic, anxious, shaking, “i’m mad”, “I can’t take this anymore”, “whats the point”, “I’m useless” etc etc… phase recently I noticed the only thought about suicide I had had was “I haven’t thought about suicide” WTF!!!!! AWESOME!!!!! Then I thought back…. I was in Asda car park the other day and I didn’t think about a trip to the top and a very quick trip back down again WTF!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!….. Driving on the motorway the other day I didn’t think about putting the car into the barrier I just smiled about the destination WTF!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!

Sorry about the lack of *’s in the following language…

This is Fucking awesome Fucking progress 🙂

I went to my first AA meeting in years last night, not because I am worried about the booze (Step 1 translated to exboozehound language.. Want it, cant have it, simple!). There were a number of guys there that sat in the room when I was an inmate at the Woodbourne Priory and gave us there knowledge and experience of drinking and sobriety, these guys are from completely different worlds to me but the stories they told were almost exactly the same as my stories and the stories of my fellow inmates. I wondered if they would recognise me and they did, they greeted me with a big smile and a strong hand shake, one of them took the opportunity to call me “Trouble” (I liked that!!). They didn’t judge me for not coming back, they didn’t judge me when I shared about not being able to take the AA path like they did, I think they even agreed with some of my nonsense. The meeting was strange some of the shares made me feel good, some made me feel bad, some made me feel angry, some made me feel worried, I don’t think the meeting did me much good as I was a bit upset in a phone call I made after the meeting and I probably made a bit of a tit of myself but “It is what it is”….. I have been ill, I am ill, I want to be better so so much. At the end of the meeting a couple came up to me and said they understood my share, another guy questioned if I had a sponsor and asked “so you haven’t had a drink since 2003, without AA and without a sponsor, not one drink?”…………Nope :).

2014 is going to be a good year….. hold up, what if it isn’t, what if “shit happens” again, OK….. some time in the near future things will be good….”Jon”, Jon, Jonathan and exboozehound are going to come together and from what I have seen of him so far I think I am going to like him (possibly).

If you are struggling with the booze or mental illness or whatever it is there will be times that you “know” the pain will never end, I “knew” it with booze and I “knew” it with mental illness, but you have to try everything you possibly can to come out the other side. It will be hard and you will have set backs but you have to keep fighting, every time you get knocked down just get back up, every time you don’t think you can cope remember you have coped before, every time you feel a bit of happiness don’t beat yourself up about it you do deserve it, every time you have feelings you don’t recognise embrace them, every time you think a drink would be nice remember that’s bullshit, every time a coping strategy stops working find a new one, every time you think about ending it all remember that is not the answer. We will be well again, hopefully never “a normal” but just less bonkers….

Enjoy the good and ride out the bad

It is what it is

Today matters, yesterday’s gone, tomorrow’s up to you

Ahh Fuck it!!

Roar like a lion everyday

and of course……….

K E E P  S M I L I N G  🙂