Tough Day

Hell of a tough day today……….. but I think a productive and significant one 🙂

Today was the day I met face to face with the NHS regarding my complaint about their Mental Health “System” and the pain, frustration and destruction it causes. The guy I met with was very good, he seemed to be caring and genuinely interested in what I had to say, he is yet another good good person within a pathetic, not fit for purpose system.

I am fully aware that we are lucky to have an NHS and I am fully aware they save and make lives better again and again, hour after hour, day after day, etc… One of the things I need to remind you of is that part of the reason I made the complaint is because people with in the system (staff) basically asked me to, which I think says a lot…..

We spoke for over an hour, it was quite painful to go through everything again and difficult because my memory isn’t brilliant at the moment so things can get confused. As I was walking to the place I could feel myself getting anxious, going inside myself, walking along with Sun Glasses on, hood up, ear phones in blocking out the outside world.

Sitting in the waiting room, with a nice cup of tea, I got out my little red note book and pen and wrote down the date, the place and who I was seeing (like a numpty!), throughout the whole meeting I didn’t write another thing. As I said earlier the guy I saw seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, he genuinely seemed to care and understand the pain the system had caused me, and causes others, because of this blog I have stories from other people who have been treated worse than me. You might be thinking “he was there to seem interested and caring they have pulled the wool over your eyes”, but I am not a stupid man and through my work I have sat in many meetings and from my days as an active alcoholic I know how to manipulate a situation and I know if someone is manipulating me.

I’m not going to go into any more detail about the meeting as I don’t think it is the time, but I do want to talk about how I felt afterwards. Coming out of the meeting I felt good, I felt as if I had achieved something :), as I walked down to my local town centre I could feel the pressure building in me, the buzzing in my head was getting very loud, I seemed to be getting very slow and weak and I felt strangely paranoid. When I got to the town centre I struggled to go into the shops I wanted to, pathetic I know, but I managed to do a couple of the things I wanted to do. Then all I could think about was getting home and the fact that I had walked and it was going to take me 30 minutes to get back. The further I walked the harder it got and at one point I wanted to just sit down in a bus stop and cry, by the time I turned into my road I was in tears and struggling a little bit to breathe. I couldn’t face the lunch I had bought and ended up going to bed just to stop the buzzing in my head.

I am not after sympathy, I am not trying to over dramatise my day, I am not doing “Woe is me”, the reason I have written this fairly pointless post is just to put it down in black and white and to stress how much effort and pain went into me going through with my complaint. Being ill, accepting you are ill, asking for help are very difficult things for a lot of people. Being ill, accepting you are ill, asking for help shows you have failed at life, that you are unable to cope with life. IN ASKING FOR HELP I HAVEN’T FAILED, IF YOU NEED TO ASK FOR HELP YOU HAVEN’T FAILED THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP AND THERE IS NO SHAME IN BEING MENTALLY ILL “IT IS WHAT IT IS. I know there are a lot of people out there in much worse situations than me but this is my situation, this is my pain, this is my disappointment in me and this is my life that I need to get back on track.

You probably know someone struggling with Mental Illness, please encourage them to fight, please show them you care, please don’t patronise them, please understand that they are not lazy or just a bit low, please understand that a good holiday will not fix them. They are ill, when people say “odd” things like “there is a buzzing in my head”, “there is a fog in my head”, “I can’t get out of bed”, “I can’t face leaving the house” they are not making things up, they are trying to explain something that is “real” and that they don’t understand themselves.

Keep smiling 🙂

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the good the bad and the ugly

Again I am not sure where this post is going to go……

If you have read previous posts you will know there are two of me “Jon” and Jon, unfortunately yesterday I seemed to of met another nutter popped in to say hi…. I think this might get a bit confusing!! I like “Jon”, I hate Jon and this new dude is awesome and an arsehole at the same time and arsehole is a very mild word. Lets see if we can break this bollox down??Watch Brothers (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Downloadn??

I had a really good weekend, there were highs and lows but I enjoyed the highs and I was allowed and I allowed myself just to let the lows happen, may sound a bit odd but it was pretty glorious, sort of being me (whatever that is?). In the morning yesterday I went to a meeting called “Coffee and Cope”, I didn’t want to go but sometimes I think I have to do things I don’t want to do. It was a good meeting, so I thought, there were lots more people there than usual, and I felt the panic of more people so I guess I had to bring “Jon” out to play a little more to protect Jon. “Jon” was great he was articulate he was caring, he gave and he received, he got on his soap box a bit, but overall he was great. But also Jon was there as soon as the mouth stopped moving Jon felt exposed, jumpy and a bit rocky, I don’t know if the rocking was internal or external and I guess it doesn’t matter.

A couple of things in that meeting had negative triggers for me and I began to spiral out of control inside. This was different “Jon” and Jon have been separate before and they have battled before but this time they were both there at the same time (F this is difficult!!) and seemed to want to control and challenge each other????? “Jon” is natural at times and forced at other times, i’m not sure what he is now? I seem to be getting so much better and a little worse at the same time, strangely I think this is a good thing (tomorrow I might think it is a bad thing?) there are a couple of good things happening at the moment, i’m not going to go into that now because I don’t think I want to analyze them. I think I might be leveling out, becoming real, perhaps becoming one person?

Yesterday I also got a call from the NHS about my formal complaint to advise someone is investigating the information I have provided them and will probably be arranging for a face to face meeting next week, “Jon” can handle this with his eyes closed, Jon would want to close his eyes and sit in a corner, but maybe this new guy will handle it and possibly handle it honestly and openly, that makes me happy :). We spoke on the phone for about 15 minutes I was articulate and pathetic at the same time, the guy from the NHS seemed to be a nice guy, i’m guessing his remit is to make the complaint go away, that might be me being unfair, but it wont go away I am prepared to go through more pain to make my complaint have a point and a positive outcome.

There have been a lot of people involved in anything positive that has been happening recently, the only person that has made the negative things happen is me, I don’t know if that is “Jon”, Jon or this new dude, it doesn’t matter really there is no point in trying to answer a question that there is no answer to.

Now I am at the end of this post I think I would class it as a purely selfish post, I don’t think the title makes much sense, some of the stuff I have written is bonkers but I am leaving everything the way it is because this is what is going on in my noggin.

If anything above makes sense, if you got anything from it, if any of it made you angry or you think I am a nutter, if you think you can tell me please tell me your thoughts.

I am selfish, I am bonkers, I am caring, I am giving, I am unwell, I am so many things but I am guessing most people are exactly the same but they just deal with the differences in a better way and just get on with it. Maybe “It is what it is” and “what happens happens” are going to turn me into a “normal”???

Keep smiling 🙂

I had a good day yesterday

Here we go again, Me Me Me, I don’t actually know where this post is going to go but I had a good day yesterday and this morning i’m having a bit of a wobble. The point of me doing this blog was both selfish and hopefully giving, I want to help people and I want to help me, as I have said before something I read helped switch the fight back on in me and from messages I have received i know my blog has done the same for others, this is a joyous feeling, this is a “Gem” moment in an otherwise pretty bleak existence.

The messages I have received are basically saying that reading my words helps them understand themselves or other people a bit more. I often talk about “the buzzing in my head” I know this sounds bonkers and I would think I am going mad, but I now know someone else used to use these exact words and I have never met them, so it helps me and hopefully helps them. So I am going to ramble on a bit and hope people get something from my ramblings.

I had a good day yesterday, but today I am rocking backward and forward with my head in my hands because my head is “buzzing”, bonkers but you know what who cares, that’s just the way it is and rocking with my hands on my head helps me I don’t care what anyone else thinks. As I am writing this I am choking back the feeling that you get just before you cry, and i’m pretty sure I will cry at some point soon, but you know what who cares that’s just the way it is, crying is good it seems to release pressure so if it happens it happens. I have got the shakes and I feel jumpy, I have recently had to increase my meds from 150mg’s to 200mg’s and straight away I felt unwell after the first 200 was popped, is this feeling just in my mind, is it physical, who cares it is what it is and worrying about if it is because i’m bonkers or if it is actually happening wastes energy and it isn’t going to make any difference I will still feel unwell. I cant answer the question and I am pretty sure the experts wouldn’t be able to answer the question either and if they did I wouldn’t believe what they said anyway, so it is what it is, i’m just going to let it happen and letting it happen frees up the stress, sometimes…….

I have been DM’ing with someone on Twitter and they mentioned someone was preaching that anti depressants don’t work, the only way through it is exercise and good diet, Pah! I have read previously about a young bloke that swears he fixed his mental illness with exercise and nothing but exercise, brilliant if it has worked for him I am chuffed to bits for him. But if exercise and a good diet fixes all mental health issues, why are sportsmen like Jonathan Trott suffering, he is a professional sports man, he will probably exercise a lot more than most and I would imagine he is on a good diet to maintain his sporting career. I don’t believe there is one answer if there was everyone would be “fixed”. I went through a short phase of walking whenever I could and it did help, it was really freeing and relaxing, but very quickly I started to find it was having the opposite effect, it was making me feel lonely and out of touch with the world, I would start to panic that it would take me ages to get home when walking and what if I bump into someone I know?? I would love to eat a better diet but for one I am skint and cant really afford the good stuff, and if I could afford it, I cant be arsed to cook it. When you are numb, have no motivation, cant concentrate and cant see a point to life exercising and eating well is almost impossible, sometimes even having a shower is hard hard work. That will sound ridiculous but I promise you it is 100% true, you might as well be asking me to solve a Rubik cube!!!

Yup, just been crying and I cant bloody breathe now, what a pussy!!

I guess it’s inevitable at some point I would come back to the NHS discussion, I truly believe the treatment I have received is an absolute disgrace, the constant waiting is disgusting but through this blog, Twitter and Facebook I have learnt that the treatment I have received is actually very quick in comparison with others. People have to ask for help and it is very hard to ask for that help for someone like me asking for that help was basically admitting I was failing again like I had failed at everything else in life, I was admitting I have to give up, I have to let go, I can no longer control me and my thoughts. Me saying I don’t have control is not an easy thing!! So people go through horrendous times they find courage to ask for help and then they have to wait and wait, when we are waiting the only thing that is happening is we are getting deeper and deeper into the pit, we are getting further and further away from “real life”, we are becoming detached and we are getting confirmation that we are pointless, we are not worth worrying about, we are not part of proper society and in going through this you know that that journey to recovery is getting longer and harder by the day.

I had a good day yesterday, I am not in a good place at the moment, partly because I don’t believe I have the right to have a good day and like a lot of the mental health world it does not make sense to think like that, but those are my thoughts, aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

On the flip side “Jon” knows he is incredibly good looking, handsome and cute, he knows he was a bloody good sales man, he knows he was/is and awesome Account Manager, he knows there is a twinkle about him, he knows he has an awful lot to give.

Does that make any sense?…. Nope

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Does it do my head in?…. Yup

Will I beat this thing?…. Who knows!! but I do know I will do all I can to beat it!!!

I pretty much think about suicide everyday, sometimes just thoughts, sometimes real feelings but that is not the answer, that is giving up, that is failing, that is a proper confirmation that I am a loser and a waste of a Human Being and “Jon” knows that is not true!!!

I really don’t know if there is any point to this blog, but you know what it is what it is, who cares?? 🙂

Keep Smiling 🙂

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Psychiatrist appointment

So, initial Psychiatrist appointment is done and there is a “plan” in place. I don’t think I am ready to reveal all the details but basically increased meds, further referral and next appointment is at the end of January 2014.

The Psychiatrist was a really nice guy, a very clever guy I was with him for about 45 minutes and he already had me talking about stuff I haven’t spoken about for over 20 years, how do they do that?? Very often when I come away from meetings with the experts I feel I have let myself down because my “Jon” force field comes up and ensures I cant be completely honest and open. For so long now I have been “Jon” on a daily basis, smiling, joking, talking an awful lot of bollox, people seem to like “Jon” and Jon doesn’t understand this, they like “Jon” and would not want to know Jon. Confused, welcome to my world.

Anyway, my force field was up a little, always going to be on the first meeting I guess, but I am proud to say I cried. Of course I apologised for this but as the psychiatrist said “if you cant cry in front of your psychiatrist where can you cry”. He dug around a bit and pushed a few buttons, a couple of good buttons, he got me thinking in a different way about some of my thoughts, which was both painful and interesting. I came away feeling a bit more positive, I have finally started the process, I am finally on the books, in the system, I have somewhere to call or go when I am desperate and if I am desperate I can get an emergency appointment, this is progress. 🙂

However……..

My next appointment with the psychiatrist isn’t until the end of January, the other referral thing wont happen until the end of February or March and if you saw a previous post “You need therapy the queue is 2 months” I have quite a wait for other needed therapy. I know in the whole scheme of things these few months wait aren’t huge, after all I have been diagnosed depressed for over 20 years, but and this is a big BUT the thought of more daily pain, ups and downs, not working, not earning, not being able to do stuff because of “The Fear” (I stole that phrase of someone else, they use it in a different way but I think it is so descriptive I decided to pinch it (soz x)) those thoughts and many others scare the Sh*t out of me. Am I going to be able to cope, am I going to be able to keep fighting, is Christmas going to destroy me, will I eventually just shut down?

Last night I had a great laugh on Facebook and Twitter with some awesome people, I’ve had a bit of a joke this morning as well, I posted some of my pictures on FB and woke up this morning with 11 notifications liking and commenting on my photographs which fills me with absolute joy. Yesterday I was DM’ing on Twitter with someone who is going through a hard time but she deals with it and we both take time to support each other (we have never met but we are supporting each other, I hope she feels the same?), I’ve made contact with a great guy called Danny Baker from Australia, Billy Idol RT’d one of my tweets, I have had some fantastic messages on this blog, FB & Twitter, I’ve had a letter today from St James’s Palace and so on… all these things are brilliant and positive, but still inside I’m a loser, I am weak, I have wasted 40 years, I hate now and the future scares the sh*t out of me!!! I have been invited by a friend (a friend of friends a diamond geezer) to spend some time with him this weekend and take photos of a gig he is playing, but I just cant do it, I have had lots of other “come and visit me” messages but at the moment I just don’t have the strength to travel and cope for long periods of time. I will get there but it is so so hard I am struggling to think about leaving the house today, I will but I know it will be hard (pathetic!).

Without Facebook, Twitter, this Blog, awesome family and some awesome people I wouldn’t be here now, so even though I feel like I am rambling now, I think my point is:-

Talk, Post, Tweet and share your thoughts and feelings, help on the NHS will come, but it will be slow so you need support from elsewhere. Your friends might be shocked you are unwell, but they will be amazing. People you don’t even know will be amazing. Bollox to the #stigma thing if you are fighting a mental illness you are a STRONG person because you are still fighting.

Be careful though what you do share, I made a comment on a “celebrities” (unfortunately I cant use the proper C word!!) tweet and spent the next few hours fielding abuse from their followers, it was very unpleasant and a bit triggery. I backed down straight away because I didn’t have the strength to fight so many people. Sometimes you have to back down to look after yourself, sometimes it is ok to be negative, that’s how you feel and fighting it all the time is hard hard work.

*Importantly these are just my thoughts and opinions, sometimes they help me sometimes they hinder me and I don’t always agree with me and you don’t have to agree with me either they are just thoughts and opinions!!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

Psychiatrist appointment is nearly here

On Wednesday 27th November I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I guess you might be thinking why would someone announce that, how embarrassing? I am not ashamed of this fact, if you are ill you see a GP, if you have broken your arm you go to the hospital, if you are clinically depressed you go to see a psychiatrist. To be honest I am not sure what a psychiatrist does, I thought they were the people you go to see to talk about all those things in the past that might of caused your mental illness. Someone said to me a couple of weeks ago that psychiatrists are more about the medication than talking, I don’t know I guess I will find out Wednesday.

The reason for this post is probably mainly selfish, when I write on here I seem to be able to see it through when I write notes on “how am I feeling today” I get frustrated and feel pathetic writing sh*t like that down, I know it makes no sense but my head doesn’t make a lot of sense at the moment.

I was referred to see a psychiatrist in August and my appointment is the 27th November, personally I think that is a disgusting amount of time to have to wait, if you have read my other posts you will know the story by now so i’m not going to bother with that now, what I do want to bother with is what that 4 month wait has done to me, told you…. selfish it’s always about me.

So basically I have been on a drug called Sertraline for a number of months having changed from Cirpralex, from what I can tell Sertraline is seen as a very good drug but with the limited knowledge of my GP (that’s not a dig at my GP apparently they only have access to certain drugs which is why I have to see a psychiatrist) and what I have read on the interweb it could well mean I have been on the wrong drug for a number of months, on the other hand it could be exactly the right drug but at the moment I don’t know. (has this made things worse, who knows?).

Currently I struggle to sleep, I struggle to leave the house, I struggle to eat and I struggle to not eat (?), I feel sick a lot, I feel weak, tired, erratic, emotional, numb, pointless, pathetic, lost, desperate, angry, irritable, scared and sometimes I feel suicidal. Last Friday I forced myself to go out, I went and walked around my local town centre while I was walking around I started to cry and had to hold back the tears (as usual I was wearing sunglasses to cover my “windows to the soul”) so no-one could see.

Thoughts running through my head at that time - I saw people smiling and laughing and I wanted to hurt them, part of me knew they weren’t laughing at me but what if they were? Maybe if I hurt them I could get arrested and maybe some immediate help, no that’s a stupid idea people will think you are a nutter. Just get home, but you’ve got to get some milk, I can’t face getting some milk, just get home. I got some milk because this is pathetic, I even made a joke to the girl on the till, then my sunglasses went back on, got to get home. Going into the car park I thought about going to the top and ending it, no that is not the answer if you do that all the pain of the last few months and all the strength you have used to keep going will of been a waste, all the support from family and friends (some friends I haven’t spoken to or seen in 25 years!!) will be wasted. But it will teach the NHS a lesson, FFS no it won’t you are a number an insignificant number it wont change anything, just get home, it’s not even my home, just get home. I got in the car and started driving back, someone pulled out on me, I thought about just driving into them, I followed them up the hill they were going about 20 miles per hour, just drive into them, they indicated to turn off, just drive into them, they were now out of my way. Driving up the road someone was pulling out of a side road, just drive into them, FFS JUST GET THE F OUT OF MY WAY!!!

I think we can all agree that above isn’t normal, don’t get me wrong I am not saying there a voices telling me to do this stuff, I am pretty sure its just my thoughts. I often wonder if other people have these thoughts, my conclusion is they probably do but they don’t take them seriously??

What the 4 month wait has done to me is turn me into a non-human, I am scared of the reality of life, I am scared that this is me now, I wont be able to go back to my job, I wont be able to go back to any job, I wont be able to enjoy anything in life it will always be about my mental illness from now on. Although on the outside I look ok and if I don’t manage to ignore you in the street I will smile and ask how you are, have a chat and a joke as soon as I walk away I will be in pain again. Waiting 4 months confirms my thoughts that i’m not important, confirms that I am a waste of life of time and of effort. I now beat myself up for giving in in June I should of just carried on fighting it day by day. I beat myself up that I carried on fighting day by day for too long and have wasted that life, lost girlfriends, houses and jobs.

There are lots of quotes out there about depression but one that really touches me at the moment is: –

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”

– Elizabeth Wurtzel

(I hope I haven’t broken any rules posting this?)

And just a final comment, I know I am beaten but I also know that I am strong enough to keep fighting back and when I do manage to beat it there will be no stopping me!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

You need therapy the queue is 2 months

I’m not sure this is a good idea but then I have a life degree in doing the wrong thing!

Firstly let me stress that all the people within the NHS system that I have spoken to or seen face to face are amazing, the NHS Mental Health system doesn’t just let us (the ill) down it lets their staff down also.

Of course there is more to this story prior to August but I think that is a good place to start.

In August I was in a meeting with a counselor and she took a phone call it was my GP advising he thought I should be referred to a psychiatrist, she agreed and I was referred. I received my first letter from the “Early Access Service” dated 23rd August advising I would be seeing a Doctor on the 29th October. I then received another letter dated 4th September advising my appointment had been brought forward to the 27th September to see a different Doctor, I thought great they must of realised a 2 month wait was ridiculous. Then I received another letter dated 18th September advising my appointment had changed again to the 1st October, I thought oh well it’s still better than the original date so ok. What I didn’t notice until just before the 1st October the letter no longer advised I was seeing a Doctor I was now seeing a Mental Health Clinician.

At the end of the 2 hour assessment the Mental Health Clinician advised he would refer me to see a psychiatrist a medic and some therapy possibly CBT this decision is exactly what my counselor and GP had decided in August! I have no issue with the guy who was now making this decision he was like all the other people I have met in the system very professional and very caring. I will add at this point that the first counselor I saw back in June was also a Mental Health Clinician so it had taken 4 or 5 months to come to a conclusion we all knew back in June.

The day after my appointment on the 1st October I saw my counselor she advised the point of the referral was to see a psychiatrist and a medic she seemed very surprised I had been seen by a mental health clinician. Diplomatically she said It may of been they were trying to get through the back log they had so rather than me seeing a psychiatrist and medic I saw a mental health clinician in the meantime. My belief was this was just a case of being taken off one list and put on to another.

My counselor advised she would contact the hospital and see what was going on. She contacted me the next day and advised I would be receiving a letter saying I was to see a psychiatrist in November and I would also be hearing from elsewhere about therapy, possibly CBT. I was now on my way to being in Secondary care rather than Primary care. Having not received a letter on the 15th October I sent a text to my counselor (who I was no longer seeing because I had now been passed onto secondary care. There appears to be a No Mans Land between primary and secondary care which isn’t helpful) she called me back later that day to advise my appointment would be the 27th November and a letter was sitting on someones desk, they hadn’t had chance to post it out but it would be sent today. My counselor was brilliant, like everyone else I have met and spoken to.

Also on the 15th October I went back to see my GP, he extended my doctors note for another month and increased my medication from 100 to 150mg’s, he spoke about doing this a couple of weeks before, but didn’t want to do it then as I was soon to see the psychiatrist at the end of September and they would make a judgement on my medication at that point (lol).

Just as an aside because my GP had increased the dosage I had to spend another £7.85 for the extra 50mg, having spent £7.85 at the weekend for the 100mg. £15.70 is not a huge amount of money but it equates to 4.3% on that months SSP income of £364.00.

During my appointment with my GP on the 15th October I told him that on Sunday the 13th October I have made the decision to kill myself, I had been having a lie down because the buzzing in my head was driving me mad. I got out of bed and got dressed to go out and throw myself off a car park. This is not a nice subject but it is a fact I have suicidal thoughts all the time but they are just thoughts, this time it was different I had specifically gone out to get it done, but first I had to go and say goodbye to my cats. Spending a little time with the cats calmed me down. I know suicide is not the answer “it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and I am pretty sure I wouldn’t actually be able to do it but at that point when I left to see the cats it was a horrible scary real plan.

On the 18th October I received a phone call from a local mental health centre, they had received a fax from my GP advising he was concerned about me, again good people within the system doing good things, we spoke for about 40 minutes and during this time I was given a “crisis” number to call. The only time I had used a “crisis” number before unfortunately I called it during the day and it only operates after 5pm so my mistake. I was given another number to call so called it but I couldn’t speak to anyone there because I wasn’t known to them, they gave me another number, I called this number to be entirely honest I cant remember what happened with this number but it was either voice mail, engaged or unanswered, not very helpful!! But this time I had been given a number to call at any time by a very helpful very caring person so I felt good about this number.

On the 25th October I was in a state, feeling really unwell and desperate so I called the number I had been given. I got an automated message advising “the mailbox is full and you cannot leave a message” I don’t think there is a person out there that will think this is acceptable?

On the 21st October I had made a complaint to the Early Access Service Team, in fairness to them they initially responded very promptly, I was advised that someone would call me to discuss the situation. I declined this call and pointed out I wasn’t well enough to receive a call and felt that they knew this and that’s why they wanted to call me because they would be able to walk all over me (probably unfair to think this but that is what my thoughts were at the time). They responded by advising they understood and would write to me. I received their letter on the 11th November, the letter was dated 24th October and the envelope (which I have kept) is date marked 8th November, it would appear it took 2 weeks to post the letter to me!! There is another little story here that I will skip for now, I have written another complaint email and have been advised it is being processed as a “formal complaint”.

Unfortunately this “formal complaint” doesn’t end there, sorry!!

On the 28th October I received a letter from Therapeutic Recovery Services advising me to call them to arrange an assessment for possible further interventions. I called the number on the letter on Tuesday the 29th October, you can only call them Tuesday to Thursday between 8:30am and 12 noon and the letter advises to speak to a specific person. The phone was answered and I asked for the specific person and was advised “I don’t think “name” works here with us”. I couldn’t handle that, a well person would of been able to challenge that response by explaining the letter they had in their hand but at that point I couldn’t. I tried the number another seven times over the next 2 days and it was always engaged. I had now missed that weeks window to call.

On the 5th November I called the number again and asked for the specific person the answer I got was “”name” doesn’t work here”. This time I had more about me, anger, and explained the letter I had. I was advised the specific person worked elsewhere and was given the correct phone number. So I called the new number I now had, there are details in this phone call that for now I don’t want to include, but the basic details being the letter had been sent out by someone else on the wrong letter heading with the wrong number on. Yes, a very basic mistake that anyone could make but on top of everything else not very helpful and indeed a hindrance to my mental health. The outcome of this phone call was I now had an appointment for an assessment on the 11th November. The person I did speak with, eventually, was fantastic very helpful and I received the letter the next day.

11th November I went to my assessment, the lady I saw was brilliant. These people are very good at what they do she managed to get me to talk about things I hadn’t talked about before and realise things I hadn’t thought of before and this is within an hours assessment. Another fantastic professional within a pathetic, not fit for purpose system. We discussed various therapy options and at the end of the assessment she advised she would write to me and recommend I had a certain type of therapy which I was happy about. I then asked “what is the waiting list time” and was told it would probably start in January……. hence the title of this post “You need therapy the queue is 2 months”.

I have complained again, I don’t like complaining and it probably sounds pathetic but it is very difficult to write complaints and make phone calls when not well. i started this post at about 10:30 this morning and it is now 15:36. I don’t want to jump any queues, in fact my Dad has offered to pay for a private psychiatrist appointment, but I believe I have to see this through. This may be me being delusional but I want to do all I can to ensure other people receive better treatment in the future.

The government want people off benefits and in work, I have a job but I am signed off and my SSP runs out at the end of this year at which point I will have to claim for ESA. I don’t want to be on benefits but another one of the governments “systems” is ensuring I will be on benefits for a while.

Thank you for sticking with this post, i’m sorry it goes on and on but I will end it with a simple question…….

Is the above acceptable?

Keep smiling 🙂