11 Years Soba

21st February slight addition, please also read these 2 pages
Back in 5’ish minutes
Random Thoughts

Yes I know I have spelt soba wrong, it should be sober but hey ho, shit happens. I guarantee this won’t be the only spelling mistake…..

Somehow I completely forgot that today the 18th February 2014 I am 11 years soba…… I was only talking about it the other day with a mate, I’ve known him since play school (he was a fat little git back then 😉 ). If you’ve read other posts, this mate happens to be the George Best to my Oliver Read (I think he was Best, could of been Greavesie but for some reason my memory is a little hazy at times…). I was around his catching up. I told him something very personal, I know I can trust him with my life and vice versa!! We laughed about the amount of booze I chucked down my neck on the 17th February 2003, and the look on my Moms face when I told the booze clinic nurse what I’d drunk the night before…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my mates are definitely not the most sensitive bunch of guys in the world!!!! But they completely and utterly accept I’m a mentalist alcoholic. I’ll give you a little example of the sensitivity levels… When I got my beating I lost a number of teeth that cost £4k to replace…. The same mates comment wasn’t “it must of been hard to go through all that dentistry work” or “how do you feel, is there any pain?” Nope….. He said “to be honest Mans they did you a favour cus your teeth were shite before….” I’d class that as quite a sensitive comment…..

Last night I got a message on Face Book from him saying “….oh forgot to say 11 years today great going mate !!!” I thought “what for?”…. Then I looked at the date….”Fuck me tomorrow I’m 11 years soba!!!” Ok I’m not “perfect” with noggin stuff, but I’m stronger than I’ve EVER been and I know my mind better than I’ve EVER known it!! I’m manic now and then, which I don’t like, I’m impulsive at times, which I do like but people I love aren’t to keen on, I’m very depressed and tired at times (or as someone who should know better wrote in a letter “in low mood” I kid you not!!), my noggin buzzes, my body twitches, me and sleep ain’t good buddies, I have the concentration of a backward gold fish, the list goes on, blah, blah, blah…. But and this is a big BUT “I’m as happy as a pig in shite!!” Doesn’t make sense? No, probably not, but “it is what is is” I constantly reevaluate, adapt and change my coping mechanisms and I simply “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”.

Right let’s get back to the booze thing…..

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY IF I CAN GIVE IT UP ANYONE CAN…… YES I WAS A FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC, I HAD A JOB ETC, BUT BOOZE WAS ALWAYS ON MY MIND. IF I WASNT DRINKING IT I WAS THINKING ABOUT DRINKING IT, WHEN I WAS DRINKING IT I WAS THINKING HAVE I GOT ENOUGH TO GET ME THROUGH? BOOZE WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE NOTHING WAS MORE IMPORTANT…….. NOTHING!!!

If you know or think or are told you have an issue with booze (or drugs, but I can’t really talk about that) eventually it will kill you or someone else. No that’s not “shock tactics” bollox, it is fact!!! And it’s not just the old soaks in the street that die, the rich and famous do as well…. I’m not going to list them we all know who they are. They have all the money in the world to pay for rehab but if they don’t get it they don’t get it!! A non alcoholic can’t possibly understand. I’ve just had a thought pop into my noggin so I’m gunna roll with it “it’s like being possessed, you know you have to stop but something tells you you can’t, how the fuck are you going to go the rest of your life without booze ha ha ha ha ha ha…..” At this moment that comment allows me to hit the nail on the head, I will contradict this at some point I may have already done so, but, if someone asks me “will you never drink again?” I can’t answer “Yes” with complete honesty. I can say with 99.9% certainty that I can’t drink again! but every now and then the thought creeps into my head “I wonder if I could control it now?”. Oof!!! That is dangerous thinking, that is alcoholic thinking, my noggin is playing games with me and lying to me like it has done so many times before. Don’t think about never having booze again, think about each day as it comes.. (Cliche? Yes! but it works!!).

I BELIEVE THAT IF I WAS TO HAVE JUST ONE DRINK MY WORLD WOULD IMPLODE, I HAVENT GOT ANOTHER RECOVERY IN ME…. FACTS IS FACTS!! I FUCKING LOVE BOOZE, I FUCKING LOVE BEING BEYOND PISSED, I FUCKING LOVE BEING OUT OF IT AND THAT IS BECAUSE I AM AN ALCOHOLIC, I WAS BORN AN ALCOHOLIC AND I WILL DIE AN ALCOHOLIC. HOPEFULLY I WILL DIE A SOBA ALCOHOLIC. I WILL USE ALL THE TOOLS I HAVE GATHERED TOGETHER OVER THE LAST 11 YEARS AND IF THEY STOP WORKING I WILL REEVALUATE, ADAPT AND GET SOME DIFFERENT FUCKING TOOLS…… ITS BLOODY EASY!!! (It’s not easy but what’s the alternative?…… Oh yes that’s it death!!!)

Let’s jump back a bit, why did I mention my mates aren’t the most sensitive guys in the world? I wanted to show that even harsh, banter-full neh down right abusive MEN (soz guys but you know it’s true and we wouldn’t have it any other way) will accept any shit if you are honest with them. It would of been more difficult when we were 20 but I’m pretty sure if I had of strapped on a pair back then and spoke to my mates they would of accepted it, yes they would of took the piss but they would of accepted it. So strap on a pair and talk to someone, if you really can’t talk to your friends or family call one of the many help lines out there, go to AA (I’m not an advocate of AA but they have helped millions of people) or if you want, send me a message on here or exboozehound.co.uk@gmail.com or @exboozehound…. I’m not a qualified expert, I won’t be there for you 100% of the time unconditionally but I won’t bullshit you I will tell it how it is and if I have to I will tell you to do one. We can’t pussy around with this shit anymore, YOU have to find YOUR coping mechanisms!! They will be different to mine, they will be different to the coping mechanisms that AA preach, they will be different from that son of Brenda’s friend down the road, they will be YOUR ADAPTABLE COPING MECHANISMS!! Many of my mechanisms are stolen and adapted from AA but there is no way I would wear their full tool belt it would fuck me up!!

I didn’t actually want to post anything today because I wanted AL’s guest post to be the landing page for a few days, but I guess I had to, 11 years…. Miracles do happen!! (No I don’t believe in God or a higher power but I can’t think of a better word than miracles) Please check out this link to AL”s guest post.

Keep smiling 🙂

Time to finalise my celebration tattoo… Shhhh it’s a secret x

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This is me

G’day, if you have been to this blog before……
You will know I never know where a post is going to go, I like this fact because it means it’s not planned so must be true.
You will also know I often contradict myself, I like this fact because it means it is my feelings at the time so must be true.

This post is different, I know where this post is going, I know I shouldn’t be typing right now because I have no filter to say “you can’t say that!”

First let me ask you a small favour, imagine I am on my knees and I am begging, if you think I am an good guy or if you think I’m a tosser PLEASE PLEASE SHARE, RT, REPOST, EMAIL, TALK ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO ENSURE ANOTHER PERSON IS AWARE OF THIS POST!!!

I am going to reintroduce myself, I am Jon, I am “exboozehound”, I am not PC, What I am has many descriptions a number of them are: –
Nut job
Mentalist
Nutter
Bonkers
Mad as a bucket of frogs
Etc etc

I am also an alcoholic, an alcoholic that has been soba (sorry mom sober) almost 11 years, but I choose to still call myself an alcoholic, many disagree with this, I don’t care!

I am 40, I am 6 foot tall, I have a younger brother who is taller, slimmer and better looking than me (I disagree with the last bit, but others don’t 🙁 ), I’m about 13 stone (maybe a smidge over?), I have size 12 feet 😉 (that’s a lie 🙁 ), I smoke (although officially I gave up in January), I am in love with someone but complications keep us apart, I’m awesome at squash, I’ve just completed the 30 day plank challenge, I did 20 press ups today, I did 5 chin ups last night, I have decided I am going to start skate boarding (I kid you not… Stoked man gunna get me a sick board), I am a very talented photographer 😉 , I love the Happy record, I hate the fact I love the Happy record and I am a bad influence on my two awesome nephews… Think that will do…. Are you still with me??

As we all know people with mental illness are weak, pathetic and dangerous. They should just pull themselves together, strap on a pair or just have a nice holiday….. ABSOLUTE BOLLOX!!!!! We are strong, courageous and only dangerous to ourselves. We try everyday to pull ourselves together, I have a pair (thank you very much) and a nice holiday can make things worse!!! Some people with mental illness become dangerous because they don’t get any treatment or perhaps more importantly the correct treatment. I’m not going to talk about specifics but we all watch the news.

Amongst other things I posted this on Facebook today: –
“It’s the attitude of a winner….. Although the whole of my life I have considered myself a loser, I now KNOW I AM A WINNER!! There is a perception that people with mental illness are weak, soft, dangerous…. None of that is true, speaking for myself I am STRONG, PERHAPS GENTLE AND NEVER EVER DANGEROUS (only to myself, but those times have passed!!). There ain’t nothing I can’t handle, NOTHING! X”

I have some statistics for you, I know booooring! I also know statistics can prove anything you want them to!!! These may not be completely accurate but I lost concentration and just went with the first ones I could find: –

Great Britain population – 63,000,000
Great Britain population under 18 – 13,860,000
Great Britain eligible voters – 49,140,000
65% of eligible voters vote – 31,941,000
1 in 4 of those votes are made
by people with mental illness – 7,985,250

1 in 4 have Mental illness (63mill x 25%) – 15,750,000
Let’s say each of those mentally
ill have 3 family members (so 4?) – 63,000,000

I’m not actually sure what my point is here but I think you will agree there is something interesting in those figures???

So, with those sort of statistics how is it us mentalist are being treated like fucking pointless morons, how is it we are given the wrong medication, how is it we are killing ourselves, how is it that mental illness isn’t as important as physical illness, how is it that stigma still exists, how is it we are sent home from A&E, how is it I was not just sent home but told I shouldn’t of gone there, how is it that your reputation can be affected your reputation isn’t affected if you have a physical illness, how is it that it takes months to see a proper noggin doc, how is it that I am having to make myself ill by continuing with a formal complaint with the NHS, how is it right that people within the NHS actually asked me to complain, how is it that the NHS think they can write me a bullshit letter and think I will go away, how is it that when I phoned a CRISIS LINE I got an automated message saying the mail box is full and you cannot leave a message, how is it I can be given a CRISIS LINE number and when I ring it the person who answers says because I’m not known to them I can’t talk to anyone, how is it when I called another CRISIS LINE it was engaged twice!! (I have to say at this point when they did phone back the lady was awesome), how is it that some GP’s give advice that is absolute bollox, how is it that when my GP faxed a local mental health centre to say he was concerned about the fact I had planned to kill myself the day before it took them two days to phone me, how is it that I now have two meetings in the next couple of weeks with my local MP and the NHS about my complaint, how is it that the guy I met from the NHS was genuinely caring and concerned but his boss is obviously a muppet with no clue about mental illness, how is it that muppet probably gets paid a ridiculous amount of money and I have to live on ESA because the NHS faffed about so much, how is it that the NHS actually made my illness worse (FACT!), how is it that if I had just relied on the NHS to help me I would be dead by now, how is it that I hear stories of people who have actually killed themselves because the NHS were shit in 2003 and are still shit now, how is it that mental illness is not considered a terminal illness, how is it that when I typed into Google “what’s the best way to” the fist option it gave was “die” and on the first page it talked about methods of suicide, how is it the these fucking MP’s are still getting away with spouting out absolute bollox when they know they will never fix the NHS because it’s not in their interest……….watch film Woman in Gold now

There are so many more things I could put in the section above, it is a fucking disgrace!!!

Why did I ask you at the start to post, share, email etc etc, because through Twitter, Facebook and this blog I have met people that know these illnesses inside out, I can read them like a book and they can read me like a book. A lady I have never met and have only been aware of for a week or so sent me a DM on Facebook because she could spot from simple posts that I was struggling. I have received loads of private messages from people who are suffering but are too ashamed to speak out. I believe I have destroyed my chance of ever having a proper job again, anyone who reads my words would never employ me and I don’t blame them. Will people ever be able to trust me 100%, I’m a mentalist I could be dangerous! Most of these book monkeys know fuck all, I seem to of got lucky because my psychiatrist appears to be human and able to speak English not just the language of book bollox.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE THAT WE JOIN TOGETHER ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DO ACTUALLY KNOW MENTAL ILLNESS, WHETHER IT BE INDIVIDUALS, CHARITIES, HELP GROUPS, WEBSITES, TWITTER ACCOUNTS, FACEBOOK ACCOUNTS, BLOGS, GOOD NOGGIN DOCS, MENTALISTS, NORMALS, AND SO ON. IF WE ALL KEEP PULLING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS WE WILL STILL BE FUCKED IN ANOTHER 10 YEARS!!!

Here comes the delusional bit:-
I made a pledge on the Time To Change Pledge Wall and I am going to 100% honour that pledge…
Jon exboozehound.co.uk
I pledge to do everything possible to help people and to make the NHS provide a proper joined up Mental Health Service

Here comes the weird bit:-
I always thought clairvoyance was bollox but last week my Mom went to see one and here is what the clairvoyant said about me….

“He will choose a new direction/new career, this would be to help other people over a wide area who are suffering as he was and to help them understand there illness better”

image

It is time to stop fucking about with this.

It is time to do something.

We can make a difference!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

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Awesome and tough day

Strange one today….I saw the psychiatrist for the second time and unfortunately had to post this on my return: –

image

I say unfortunately, because I have to go back a bit on what I have said before, don’t get me wrong I still think the NHS is broken, I have always said the NHS staff are very good (mostly!) and also let down by the NHS system. However I am wrong to call all psychiatrists “book monkeys” (I will continue to call them this, sorry). I guess I cant name the noggin doc I saw for the second time today, but he has gained my trust today because he spoke like a human being and a lot, maybe even most of what he said made sense. A mate of mine commented on Facebook in reply to  the remark about them “using sales techniques”: –

“I think us sales people use their techniques me old fruit!”

My reply was: –

“Very good point!! Bollox!!!! X”

Although I can admit I am wrong, I don’t like to 🙁 . You will however notice I replied to myself on Twitter with a little comment for Jeremy Hunt, not that he will read it or do anything about it, but hey ho.

It was a tough day because I wasn’t looking forward to seeing the psychiatrist again, but like most things it worked out better than I had thought. It’s was an awesome day because he seemed very pleased with my progress, he has put on hold the extra drugs he mentioned last time, which I was very very happy about, and he was very complimentary about the coping mechanisms I have put in place and adapted myself. I will now see him again in 2 months, when he said that last time I found it very stressful, this time I know I can cope and progress.

Before anyone starts thinking “careful Jon, don’t get a head of yourself” I know this and am prepared for it, a few weeks back I had a situation that made me realise I wasn’t as stable as I thought (click here for post on this) I did some very silly things that I’m ashamed of and I still regret, but I can’t change them I have to move forward. Because of this realisation moment I had to reevaluate and adapt, I now know what I have to do and if those things start to stop working I will reevaluate and adapt again. I am building a good “exboozehound recovery dictionary” and a very strong “exboozehound library of life mottos” and these will help see me through. I’m going to try to put together the above “dictionary” and “library” for my next post. I think regular readers will probably know a few of these by now!!

There was obviously other stuff discussed during the appointment, but some things I have to keep to myself, at least until I get my noggin around them anyway.

I will finish with a statement of fact: –

 “I am stronger than I have ever been, I know I have mental health issues but I’m not ashamed of that. Mental illness has made me what I am today and what I am today is a good guy, a strong guy, a loyal guy, an honest guy, a dependable guy (not always), and finally a collections of “Jon’s” that I am starting to like”Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Ok that’s a bit over the top, but fuck it, it’s been a long time since I have been able to say “I like me”.

Keep smiling 🙂

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2nd Psychiatrist appointment Wednesday

As the title suggests my second psychiatrist appointment is almost here and it has me a little wound up…. I should be able to remember when I last saw him but I can’t, think it was end of November beginning of December I could look the date up but I can’t be arsed…..

Why am I wound up? I don’t know really there are various reasons, I guess he will be able to tell me on Wednesday, but I am going to use this post to try and work out why I am wound up. This goes against a lot of things I have said in the past but it is important I get as much out of my second appointment as possible…..

The last time is saw him, I was quite impressed, he had me talking about stuff I have never spoken about, he had me crying and he had me being about as honest as I have ever been able to be with a noggin doctor. He put up my meds to the top dose and talked about another drug we might try next time if needed. All good really, nice guy, seemed to know what he was doing and eventually had a positive effect on me…. I say eventually because I think it stressed me out a bit for a while last time, but overall positive, I think?

I’m concerned he is gunna say stuff like “tell me about your childhood” and “how did that make you feel” etc etc, but the truth is there was nothing wrong with my childhood. I don’t actually remember a lot, I get confused when I here people say stuff like “my first memory was when I was about 3…..” WTF???? How the hell do you remember that stuff, I don’t….. I can tell stories from my childhood, but I think that is because they are stories that are told over and over again, I don’t actually remember them, this makes me a little sad. If you have read other blogs about booze and mental illness I guess you will of read “I always thought there was something different about me as a child, I never felt like I fitted in anywhere, I always felt on the edge of everything, I could feel lonely in a crowded room etc….” Might sound like bollox but I know they are real feelings, these are probably the only things I do remember. If he starts asking stuff like that I will just be honest, it’s the way I roll these days.

I am also concerned because I had a letter from the chief executive of my local NHS mental health trust this week with the “FINDINGS” (LMFAO!) from the investigation into my formal complaint (click here for details if you have some spare time!). I don’t think it is wise for me to go into my feelings and thoughts on these findings, all I will say is “NOT IMPRESSED!!!! AND THE FIRST GUY I MET WITH WAS REALLY GOOD AND I FELT COMPLETELY GENUINE BUT THE CHIEF EXECUTIVES LETTER HAS UNDONE ANY TRUST I HAD IN THE INVESTIGATION!” I will leave it there, I have already had a rant on social media and sent a message to the local trust…. Oh just one more thing, there is a week between the date on the letter and the post mark on the envelope, nope I’m not making it up, UN FUCKING BELIEVABLE! I have a letter assuring me that my complaint will in no way effect the treatment/therapy I receive, I do not believe this and I can prove it has effected my treatment/therapy but I’m keeping that bit to myself for now.

I’m concerned because although I accept I just have an illness, I don’t bloody want it, it’s hard work. I am going to give you an example of why it is hard work, I want to preempt this by saying my issues are my issues, I would not be where I am today without the support of my family!! They have been amazing! Although it is important I have therapy and I take meds I have no hesitation in saying the NHS has mainly hindered my recovery, where I am today is down to family, friends new and old and the strength inside me!

So the example… I have changed my mind I’m not going to give an example, but what I will say is because I speak about my mental health and my family and friends support me I am able to just be me and if I need to walk away for a couple of minutes or leave suddenly no-one questions it they just accept it. This gives me a lot of strength, this allows me to “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”, this allows me to start to “Find Jon a Serene Jon” (there is a message within that and there is only one person that will understand it :p). Because of the support of family and friends I am beginning to find Jon and there is definitely serenity emerging, I never liked whoever that Jon was before and could never understand why people did like him. I don’t want you to read that as a negative or think “fucking nut job” I want you to read that as a positive. I will never be a born again Christian but I am a born again Jon, I am a born again exboozehound. I have a couple of new tattoos they are simply “exboozehound”, “1973”, “2003” and “2013”. We know exboozehound is me, but what about the dates, they are the years I was born: –

1973 – year I was born
2003 – year I gave up booze and was born again
2013 – year I finally went dolallytap and was born again because I finally had to address the shit I tried to hide for 20 years.

Good place to end I think?

Keep smiling 🙂

Words are powerful to me

I would never class myself as a wordsmith, in fact if I ever use a word of a certain intelligence level I have to pause to see if people react differently to expected in case I have used the wrong word. I have insulted a lot of people when I have been trying to sound intelligent.

However words are powerful, for a while now I have been in sales, of different sorts, and I believe a single word can make the difference to getting a sale/appointment or not. I don’t think this needs explanation on here, but I can’t help saying that I had a cold call today from an investment company and the person on the other end of the phone wouldn’t know a positive telephone approach if it smacked them in the face!!!!

So the point of this post, I posted this on Face Book today: –

live in the moment

 

I honestly believe these motto’s have kept me going and ultimately kept me alive, I think I came up with “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” I don’t remember reading it elsewhere so I am going to make a claim to it, I know the other 2 motto’s are from elsewhere but they work for me. I seem to remember commenting recently something along the lines of “recovery from alcoholism and mental health is as complicated as you make it” I definitely remember not agreeing with myself immediately, but there is something in it: –

“It is what it is” for me I cant change the fact I have a bad day then 2 good days then perhaps 3 up and down days, but since I decided to just accept these days change for many reason and I will never answer the specific reason, perhaps because there isn’t one. So “It is what it is”.

“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” for me this is just about going with it, sometimes I would find myself feeling guilty for having a good day or a good couple of hours so it would make ill again. I know I am going to have times when I am bouncing off the walls or doing manic ridiculously out of order, scary stuff (FJ&SJ, that’s a private thought but I wanted to mark it in black and white) so I just have to deal with those how ever I can. And now when the good things happen I enjoy them and don’t feel guilty about it (Guilt is a waste of time and energy!!!!). (as and aside if you Google “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” this blog shows up on the first page :)).

“Live in the moment” we all know what this means, life can be complicated for many reasons but if we don’t concentrate on the now and enjoy what we can what is the point? I have heard this phrase a thousand times but it was said to me last night and it finally made sense!!!!!

“Words are powerful to me” because they work as a “trigger” in reverse, I know what these words mean and I know what I have to do (sometimes I cant do what I have to do but “It is what it is”), Maybe they are just a distraction technique, perhaps they are a placebo effect, perhaps this time next week these motto’s will no longer help, but today they do and that’s all that really matters.

*Disclaimer – I am a hypocrite because I have things in my mind that I want to happen, but if I spend all my time trying to make them happen exactly the way I want I’m not going to have time to enjoy what is happening and whatever has happened before I can’t change. The things that I want to happen are very new things for me so i’m gunna enjoy then as much as I possibly can and gather together as many “Gem” moments as possible :).

I know there were other points I wanted to make in this post but I cant remember them at the moment……

I had a very proud moment the other day by promoting this blog on Twitter as much as I could my Followers increased massively and I got an awful lot of RT’s and Favourites. One of my favourites was a fantastic description of me and my blog: –

junction project

In a Twitter conversation with @unsuicide I suggested a campaign called “Time to Type” and it was suggested I setup a Hashtag, this I had to Google and I have now setup #timetotype. Talking is important but how often do we talk today, we type a lot more! So if you get chance please use #timetotype.

And for now… last but definitely not least thank you to all that have followed, replied, RT’d, Favourited etc over the last couple of days, please keep doing it. If you like what I say/type please let me know and if you disagree let me know as well!!

Keep Smiling 🙂

#timetotype

 

Whats the point?

The title of this post may seem negative but I promise you it isn’t!!!

The questions is about whats the point of this blog and the answer is it varies depending on where my noggin is on that day. On the first page of this blog “About Me” there is a paragraph that goes like this: –

“I have started this blog to share my experiences, good and bad. I am going to be completely honest and I guarantee I will contradict myself from time to time.”

On my “Intro Post” I wrote a number of disclaimers. I hadn’t planned to swear quite as much as I have, I have used *’s a lot but I have left someone of the swears pure. If you saw my recent attempt at poetry (lol) you will know swearing is actually cool!!! 

Remember you need to rhythm to “Santa Claus you c**t” in your head to read it correctly…..

depression you cunt

 

I have stated my views on the NHS most of them negative, justifiably!!, but I always speak positively about NHS staffl. Yesterday I needed to call a crisis line for help, I’ve had poor experiences with these lines before. I believe that most of us are happy to complain but don’t give credit where credit is due enough, I try to do both, recently I had an on-line conversation, I am very happy with the deal I squeezed out of them but complimented the person on their sales skills, sorry customer service skills (?!?!) and when I received a “satisfaction survey” I went to town with praise for their operative “Nicola”. So “Marie” credit where credit is due, you were fantastic yesterday when you called me back from the crisis line, (yes you had to call me back because when I first tried to call the line it was engaged twice….) you are another example of brilliant, caring and knowledgeable NHS staff, Thank you!

So, “Whats the point?” of this blog, I still don’t know but I do know what I want the point to be…….

Honestly I want to help me but more importantly I want to help others, I want to make a difference. I can’t get back the 20 years of my life I have wasted with booze and mental illness but I can do something to help others not waste years of their lives. I have destroyed so many things in the past and the present and this is where my destructive tendencies stop!!!

I need to raise the profile of this site and I need YOUR help, I guess admitting you read this blog is embarrassing but so many of you have complimented me on my “honesty and openness” in private. You could be reading this blog because you have a loved one with booze or mental health issues nobody needs to know why you are reading this BUT PLEASE TELL PEOPLE. I have used my family connection to @BillyIdol, he RT’d me and I gained some followers from Australia, America, Canada and the UK. Please please follow me on Twitter and invite others to follow me, please RT me. Please like and share my blog posts on Facebook, I know there are people out there that read the blog but have never liked or shared a link. If you know or are related to anyone influential be it just mouthy or famous please get them to follow and RT me on Twitter. You can subscribe to receive posts by email but it doesn’t always work so Twitter is the place WE need to concentrate on.

If you are embarrassed about reading my blog I understand if you have to tweet something like “@exboozehound lol this bloke is proper mad as a bucket of frogs #bonkers” that’s cool.

Thank you in anticipation for your help, yam all bostin!!!

Tweet, Re-tweet, Favourite, Reply, Share, Like, Comment and of course Keep Smiling 🙂

Stable? Are you F**K!

I have realised today I’m not as stable as I thought, if i’m honest I have been slowly realising this over the last few days. I went to a meeting this week, the presentation given was titled “Adult Social Care Budget Engagement – What’s Important to You?” it may not sound very interesting but it was. There weren’t many people there and as usual I think I had the most to say, most of it negative or as we say in sales “constructive criticism” . However I have been in touch with one of the guys who gave the presentation and they appear to be interested in my feedback, even though I said things like “Your websites are pathetic” and “The government don’t want to fix the NHS it’s not in their interest it’s too expensive and they want to get rid”. After this meeting I was not well and in the meeting I could feel my twitching and buzzing head coming on, hard work but hopefully worth it. I didn’t start realising anything at this point.

On Friday I met with a friend for a McDonald’s (other eating establishments are available, but just in case I can get some free stuff… Excellent food, excellent service, would recommend) we sat and talked about various stuff and I started to notice I was talking at 100 mph and feeling a bit manic. I started to get a bit stressed and thinking people where watching me thinking “Nutter”. Strangely I can’t remember Saturday…… Hey ho “it is what is is”.

Today has been a strange one and as at about 23:00 I had decided I need to put myself in hospital, I just want to be dosed up and out of it for a while to get some peace. However i’m pretty sure they wont hospitalise me unless i’m a danger to myself or others…. The problem is I’m not a danger to others (never have been never will be) and even through all the pain of the last couple of days i’m still not a danger to myself. I could lie and say I am, but I don’t lie anymore it is now my policy that if I can’t be honest I don’t say anything. I need to say at this point if you are reading this and you think this is your fault, IT ISN’T!! “it is what it is” remember “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” and “Guilt is a waste of energy”…. If I didn’t want to help I wouldn’t have I would of just left you to it, if anything you have helped me realise I need to reevaluate and re-plan…. So I helped you and you helped me… End of!! 

I have written two poems in the last couple of days, one of them is pretty private and very important to me and the other one I posted on Face Book earlier, there are a lot of *’s!!!! You need to know an old song called “Santa Claus You C**T” to know the rhythm (?) of the words, they fit to this tune (just about): –

A poem by exboozehound entitled “Hey Depression You C**T”

Hey Depression you c**t
Were still in a fucking fight
You tried to take my life from me but you’re a fu**ing pussy shite
Yes you had a proper go and you’re still fu**ing with my mind
But you aint got a fu**ing chance cus you’re a fu**ing pussy shite
You’ve took my house, my job, my cash but you are gunna find
I’m stronger than you you c**t
And i’m gunna be just fine
Yes you you c**t you’ve lost the fight
Have you got the message yet
You’re a fu**ing pussy shite!!

Ok….. it’s not Shakespeare, and I couldn’t make the last bit fit as it should, but I think it has certain qualities (??). I thought I felt alright this morning, I was speaking with someone on Face Book they asked “are you struggling today?” and I replied “not really, bit weird but im on top form for a loon bag 🙂 x”. I don’t think they believed me, I believed me. Reading it back I no longer believe me because very soon after that I began to mis-behave….. I thought my poem (if that’s an accurate word?) was positive, I’m now unsure…. I’m not going to worry about that cus as we all know by now “it is what it is”.

At about 20:30 tonight I posted another fairly telling thing on Face Book and I pasted a link to this post into comments on the Face Book pages of Jeremy Hunt, Norman Lamb, David Cameron and Ed Miliband, yup I kid you not :-/, I also emailed the link to two of Norman Lamb’s people, yes two :-/. But you know what I don’t regret it, maybe I will at some point but at the moment I stand by my post 100%: –

I hope you 2 useless fuckwits are having a relaxing Sunday. I’ve spent a lot of mine talking to someone on Twitter who is very close to taking an overdose because your fucking NHS is a complete and utter waste of space. I will be meeting with my local MP soon and I hope he will pass on my exact thoughts on to you although I would prefer to do it in person. Sort it out or admit you can’t and fuck right off!!!

https://www.facebook.com/jeremyhuntsws
I also tweeted: –

@Jeremy_Hunt A monkey cld do yr job better & u @normanlamb one of yr people once replied to me on FB & then nothing. #mentalhealth #nhs

It didn’t end there, there were also a number of other tweets, below are a couple of the better ones: –

@Jeremy_Hunt @normanlamb @APMiller1949 They need to strap on a pair and admit they can’t and don’t want to fix the NHS

And…..

@Jeremy_Hunt @normanlamb @APMiller1949 it’s not about mental health to them tho it’s about numbers, bullshit and votes

I think we can probably agree i’m not as stable as I thought. I have been a bit of a mad man over the last couple of days. I’m not ashamed and I wont feel guilty because they are pointless wastes of energy, yes I’m not happy if I have upset or worried anyone but they know I don’t mean any harm. A few weeks ago I was a danger to myself, now i’m not and I can prove it, I will tell you a little secret…. Today I went to Asda and I parked on the top floor, when I got out of the car I smiled and said “fuck you” (I was speaking to the car park, Oof! probably shouldn’t admit that!). I did a little bit of shopping then got in the lift to go back to the top floor, as I got out of the lift I put on my Ray-Ban’s (any free stuff would be most welcome, there really isn’t any other sunglasses worth wearing!) lit a cigarette and walked around the whole perimeter of the top floor, smiling like a loon. I used to poo my pants up there it really worried me, but now I was laughing at the place it no longer holds any fear for me…… :).

So, we know I could be a little more stable but we also know I have come a long way…. is my poem positive or negative? Who knows but one bit that I know is positive is: –

You’ve took my house, my job, my cash but you are gunna find
I’m stronger than you you c**t
And i’m gunna be just fine
Yes you you c**t you’ve lost the fight

Please continue with me on my journey, I am proof that it does get better, you can cope, you will continue to cope, you are strong enough, you are worth it, people love you, people want you to get better, people want you to be happy, you will find happiness (perhaps not all the time, but keep a note of the “gem” moments they will mount up), yes you will have wobbles and bad times but all you have to do is keep adapting, be honest with yourself and the people around you, it’s pretty simple really just…….

“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Now, what was I gunna do next, oh yes bring down the government…..

Keep Smiling 🙂Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)

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Angry

I only posted yesterday so this might be too early to post again but today I am angry, today I am feeling sorry for myself, today I am questioning if I am a good person, today I’ve fucking had enough!!

There will be some language to follow so I will apologise now…..

First lets get something straight…. Yes I have had enough, yes I feel I cannot take this shit anymore, yes I feel desperate but NO, STILL NO THOUGHTS OF I MUST END MY LIFE!!!! Thankfully they are history, hopefully for good!!!!! Those thoughts being history is awesome but I will tell you one thing for sure it has got absolutely fuck all to do with the NHS, if the NHS was all the support I had there would be no exboozehound blog, there would be no exboozehound, he would be gone by now. There are many reasons why I am still here, my Mom, my Dad, my Brother, my Sister in law, my Nephews, my Aunt, my Nan, my cats, my new friends from this blog, my friends (actual and social media) and a guy named Danny Baker who I found on Twitter…. The other reason I am still here is “ME”, yes i’m a bit fucked up but I wont give up….. no fucking way!!

I am fully aware people will defend the NHS, but I am not going to apologise for anything on this post apart from the language….

It’s not just the Mental Health part of the NHS its the whole lot, someone I know has just been treated like a piece of meat in Russells Hall Hospital, Dudley, West Midlands, DY1 2HQ. Each department seems to be a separate country with absolutely no way of communicating with each other.

Lets be honest this government, the government before and the following government will NEVER fix the NHS, it’s not in their interest, it’s too expensive…… if it was a factory it would of been shut down fucking years ago.

My NHS story is on here somewhere, i’m not going to go over it again but to sum up they might of well just bent me over a table and fucked me….. Yes I am speaking with good people now that are investigating my complaints and I have now seen a psychiatrist and will shortly be starting some therapy and yes they will now go to work on me and sort me out but if they had done something useful back in June, maybe back in January, maybe years back I wouldn’t be ranting on here today, I would probably be moaning about my first day back at work in 2014. Asking for help is a difficult thing to do, when you ask for help you should not have to wait months to get some help and my story is nothing in comparison to others I now know of, my months waiting would be classed as a slick operation……..

My Mental Health is mainly to blame as to why I am where I am today, my “i’m a man, men don’t cry” bollox has something to answer for as well but and this is a huge BUT the NHS is culpable in a big way!!!!

I think that will do, I want to say so much more but my concentration has gone.

We are lucky to have an NHS I know that, but if the doors aren’t open and there’s no connected stuff inside what the fucks the point???????

“Oh you have a broken leg, we could put it in plaster but I just need to check with 15 departments. It is a bit cold in here, why don’t you run around and do some star jumps to keep warm? Oh that made your leg worse, who’d of thought it?”

You can’t keep a good man down and I am a good man I have been told so today :).

Keep smiling 🙂

Tough Day

Hell of a tough day today……….. but I think a productive and significant one 🙂

Today was the day I met face to face with the NHS regarding my complaint about their Mental Health “System” and the pain, frustration and destruction it causes. The guy I met with was very good, he seemed to be caring and genuinely interested in what I had to say, he is yet another good good person within a pathetic, not fit for purpose system.

I am fully aware that we are lucky to have an NHS and I am fully aware they save and make lives better again and again, hour after hour, day after day, etc… One of the things I need to remind you of is that part of the reason I made the complaint is because people with in the system (staff) basically asked me to, which I think says a lot…..

We spoke for over an hour, it was quite painful to go through everything again and difficult because my memory isn’t brilliant at the moment so things can get confused. As I was walking to the place I could feel myself getting anxious, going inside myself, walking along with Sun Glasses on, hood up, ear phones in blocking out the outside world.

Sitting in the waiting room, with a nice cup of tea, I got out my little red note book and pen and wrote down the date, the place and who I was seeing (like a numpty!), throughout the whole meeting I didn’t write another thing. As I said earlier the guy I saw seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, he genuinely seemed to care and understand the pain the system had caused me, and causes others, because of this blog I have stories from other people who have been treated worse than me. You might be thinking “he was there to seem interested and caring they have pulled the wool over your eyes”, but I am not a stupid man and through my work I have sat in many meetings and from my days as an active alcoholic I know how to manipulate a situation and I know if someone is manipulating me.

I’m not going to go into any more detail about the meeting as I don’t think it is the time, but I do want to talk about how I felt afterwards. Coming out of the meeting I felt good, I felt as if I had achieved something :), as I walked down to my local town centre I could feel the pressure building in me, the buzzing in my head was getting very loud, I seemed to be getting very slow and weak and I felt strangely paranoid. When I got to the town centre I struggled to go into the shops I wanted to, pathetic I know, but I managed to do a couple of the things I wanted to do. Then all I could think about was getting home and the fact that I had walked and it was going to take me 30 minutes to get back. The further I walked the harder it got and at one point I wanted to just sit down in a bus stop and cry, by the time I turned into my road I was in tears and struggling a little bit to breathe. I couldn’t face the lunch I had bought and ended up going to bed just to stop the buzzing in my head.

I am not after sympathy, I am not trying to over dramatise my day, I am not doing “Woe is me”, the reason I have written this fairly pointless post is just to put it down in black and white and to stress how much effort and pain went into me going through with my complaint. Being ill, accepting you are ill, asking for help are very difficult things for a lot of people. Being ill, accepting you are ill, asking for help shows you have failed at life, that you are unable to cope with life. IN ASKING FOR HELP I HAVEN’T FAILED, IF YOU NEED TO ASK FOR HELP YOU HAVEN’T FAILED THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP AND THERE IS NO SHAME IN BEING MENTALLY ILL “IT IS WHAT IT IS. I know there are a lot of people out there in much worse situations than me but this is my situation, this is my pain, this is my disappointment in me and this is my life that I need to get back on track.

You probably know someone struggling with Mental Illness, please encourage them to fight, please show them you care, please don’t patronise them, please understand that they are not lazy or just a bit low, please understand that a good holiday will not fix them. They are ill, when people say “odd” things like “there is a buzzing in my head”, “there is a fog in my head”, “I can’t get out of bed”, “I can’t face leaving the house” they are not making things up, they are trying to explain something that is “real” and that they don’t understand themselves.

Keep smiling 🙂

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the good the bad and the ugly

Again I am not sure where this post is going to go……

If you have read previous posts you will know there are two of me “Jon” and Jon, unfortunately yesterday I seemed to of met another nutter popped in to say hi…. I think this might get a bit confusing!! I like “Jon”, I hate Jon and this new dude is awesome and an arsehole at the same time and arsehole is a very mild word. Lets see if we can break this bollox down??Watch Brothers (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Downloadn??

I had a really good weekend, there were highs and lows but I enjoyed the highs and I was allowed and I allowed myself just to let the lows happen, may sound a bit odd but it was pretty glorious, sort of being me (whatever that is?). In the morning yesterday I went to a meeting called “Coffee and Cope”, I didn’t want to go but sometimes I think I have to do things I don’t want to do. It was a good meeting, so I thought, there were lots more people there than usual, and I felt the panic of more people so I guess I had to bring “Jon” out to play a little more to protect Jon. “Jon” was great he was articulate he was caring, he gave and he received, he got on his soap box a bit, but overall he was great. But also Jon was there as soon as the mouth stopped moving Jon felt exposed, jumpy and a bit rocky, I don’t know if the rocking was internal or external and I guess it doesn’t matter.

A couple of things in that meeting had negative triggers for me and I began to spiral out of control inside. This was different “Jon” and Jon have been separate before and they have battled before but this time they were both there at the same time (F this is difficult!!) and seemed to want to control and challenge each other????? “Jon” is natural at times and forced at other times, i’m not sure what he is now? I seem to be getting so much better and a little worse at the same time, strangely I think this is a good thing (tomorrow I might think it is a bad thing?) there are a couple of good things happening at the moment, i’m not going to go into that now because I don’t think I want to analyze them. I think I might be leveling out, becoming real, perhaps becoming one person?

Yesterday I also got a call from the NHS about my formal complaint to advise someone is investigating the information I have provided them and will probably be arranging for a face to face meeting next week, “Jon” can handle this with his eyes closed, Jon would want to close his eyes and sit in a corner, but maybe this new guy will handle it and possibly handle it honestly and openly, that makes me happy :). We spoke on the phone for about 15 minutes I was articulate and pathetic at the same time, the guy from the NHS seemed to be a nice guy, i’m guessing his remit is to make the complaint go away, that might be me being unfair, but it wont go away I am prepared to go through more pain to make my complaint have a point and a positive outcome.

There have been a lot of people involved in anything positive that has been happening recently, the only person that has made the negative things happen is me, I don’t know if that is “Jon”, Jon or this new dude, it doesn’t matter really there is no point in trying to answer a question that there is no answer to.

Now I am at the end of this post I think I would class it as a purely selfish post, I don’t think the title makes much sense, some of the stuff I have written is bonkers but I am leaving everything the way it is because this is what is going on in my noggin.

If anything above makes sense, if you got anything from it, if any of it made you angry or you think I am a nutter, if you think you can tell me please tell me your thoughts.

I am selfish, I am bonkers, I am caring, I am giving, I am unwell, I am so many things but I am guessing most people are exactly the same but they just deal with the differences in a better way and just get on with it. Maybe “It is what it is” and “what happens happens” are going to turn me into a “normal”???

Keep smiling 🙂