This is me

G’day, if you have been to this blog before……
You will know I never know where a post is going to go, I like this fact because it means it’s not planned so must be true.
You will also know I often contradict myself, I like this fact because it means it is my feelings at the time so must be true.

This post is different, I know where this post is going, I know I shouldn’t be typing right now because I have no filter to say “you can’t say that!”

First let me ask you a small favour, imagine I am on my knees and I am begging, if you think I am an good guy or if you think I’m a tosser PLEASE PLEASE SHARE, RT, REPOST, EMAIL, TALK ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO ENSURE ANOTHER PERSON IS AWARE OF THIS POST!!!

I am going to reintroduce myself, I am Jon, I am “exboozehound”, I am not PC, What I am has many descriptions a number of them are: –
Nut job
Mentalist
Nutter
Bonkers
Mad as a bucket of frogs
Etc etc

I am also an alcoholic, an alcoholic that has been soba (sorry mom sober) almost 11 years, but I choose to still call myself an alcoholic, many disagree with this, I don’t care!

I am 40, I am 6 foot tall, I have a younger brother who is taller, slimmer and better looking than me (I disagree with the last bit, but others don’t 🙁 ), I’m about 13 stone (maybe a smidge over?), I have size 12 feet 😉 (that’s a lie 🙁 ), I smoke (although officially I gave up in January), I am in love with someone but complications keep us apart, I’m awesome at squash, I’ve just completed the 30 day plank challenge, I did 20 press ups today, I did 5 chin ups last night, I have decided I am going to start skate boarding (I kid you not… Stoked man gunna get me a sick board), I am a very talented photographer 😉 , I love the Happy record, I hate the fact I love the Happy record and I am a bad influence on my two awesome nephews… Think that will do…. Are you still with me??

As we all know people with mental illness are weak, pathetic and dangerous. They should just pull themselves together, strap on a pair or just have a nice holiday….. ABSOLUTE BOLLOX!!!!! We are strong, courageous and only dangerous to ourselves. We try everyday to pull ourselves together, I have a pair (thank you very much) and a nice holiday can make things worse!!! Some people with mental illness become dangerous because they don’t get any treatment or perhaps more importantly the correct treatment. I’m not going to talk about specifics but we all watch the news.

Amongst other things I posted this on Facebook today: –
“It’s the attitude of a winner….. Although the whole of my life I have considered myself a loser, I now KNOW I AM A WINNER!! There is a perception that people with mental illness are weak, soft, dangerous…. None of that is true, speaking for myself I am STRONG, PERHAPS GENTLE AND NEVER EVER DANGEROUS (only to myself, but those times have passed!!). There ain’t nothing I can’t handle, NOTHING! X”

I have some statistics for you, I know booooring! I also know statistics can prove anything you want them to!!! These may not be completely accurate but I lost concentration and just went with the first ones I could find: –

Great Britain population – 63,000,000
Great Britain population under 18 – 13,860,000
Great Britain eligible voters – 49,140,000
65% of eligible voters vote – 31,941,000
1 in 4 of those votes are made
by people with mental illness – 7,985,250

1 in 4 have Mental illness (63mill x 25%) – 15,750,000
Let’s say each of those mentally
ill have 3 family members (so 4?) – 63,000,000

I’m not actually sure what my point is here but I think you will agree there is something interesting in those figures???

So, with those sort of statistics how is it us mentalist are being treated like fucking pointless morons, how is it we are given the wrong medication, how is it we are killing ourselves, how is it that mental illness isn’t as important as physical illness, how is it that stigma still exists, how is it we are sent home from A&E, how is it I was not just sent home but told I shouldn’t of gone there, how is it that your reputation can be affected your reputation isn’t affected if you have a physical illness, how is it that it takes months to see a proper noggin doc, how is it that I am having to make myself ill by continuing with a formal complaint with the NHS, how is it right that people within the NHS actually asked me to complain, how is it that the NHS think they can write me a bullshit letter and think I will go away, how is it that when I phoned a CRISIS LINE I got an automated message saying the mail box is full and you cannot leave a message, how is it I can be given a CRISIS LINE number and when I ring it the person who answers says because I’m not known to them I can’t talk to anyone, how is it when I called another CRISIS LINE it was engaged twice!! (I have to say at this point when they did phone back the lady was awesome), how is it that some GP’s give advice that is absolute bollox, how is it that when my GP faxed a local mental health centre to say he was concerned about the fact I had planned to kill myself the day before it took them two days to phone me, how is it that I now have two meetings in the next couple of weeks with my local MP and the NHS about my complaint, how is it that the guy I met from the NHS was genuinely caring and concerned but his boss is obviously a muppet with no clue about mental illness, how is it that muppet probably gets paid a ridiculous amount of money and I have to live on ESA because the NHS faffed about so much, how is it that the NHS actually made my illness worse (FACT!), how is it that if I had just relied on the NHS to help me I would be dead by now, how is it that I hear stories of people who have actually killed themselves because the NHS were shit in 2003 and are still shit now, how is it that mental illness is not considered a terminal illness, how is it that when I typed into Google “what’s the best way to” the fist option it gave was “die” and on the first page it talked about methods of suicide, how is it the these fucking MP’s are still getting away with spouting out absolute bollox when they know they will never fix the NHS because it’s not in their interest……….watch film Woman in Gold now

There are so many more things I could put in the section above, it is a fucking disgrace!!!

Why did I ask you at the start to post, share, email etc etc, because through Twitter, Facebook and this blog I have met people that know these illnesses inside out, I can read them like a book and they can read me like a book. A lady I have never met and have only been aware of for a week or so sent me a DM on Facebook because she could spot from simple posts that I was struggling. I have received loads of private messages from people who are suffering but are too ashamed to speak out. I believe I have destroyed my chance of ever having a proper job again, anyone who reads my words would never employ me and I don’t blame them. Will people ever be able to trust me 100%, I’m a mentalist I could be dangerous! Most of these book monkeys know fuck all, I seem to of got lucky because my psychiatrist appears to be human and able to speak English not just the language of book bollox.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE THAT WE JOIN TOGETHER ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DO ACTUALLY KNOW MENTAL ILLNESS, WHETHER IT BE INDIVIDUALS, CHARITIES, HELP GROUPS, WEBSITES, TWITTER ACCOUNTS, FACEBOOK ACCOUNTS, BLOGS, GOOD NOGGIN DOCS, MENTALISTS, NORMALS, AND SO ON. IF WE ALL KEEP PULLING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS WE WILL STILL BE FUCKED IN ANOTHER 10 YEARS!!!

Here comes the delusional bit:-
I made a pledge on the Time To Change Pledge Wall and I am going to 100% honour that pledge…
Jon exboozehound.co.uk
I pledge to do everything possible to help people and to make the NHS provide a proper joined up Mental Health Service

Here comes the weird bit:-
I always thought clairvoyance was bollox but last week my Mom went to see one and here is what the clairvoyant said about me….

“He will choose a new direction/new career, this would be to help other people over a wide area who are suffering as he was and to help them understand there illness better”

It is time to stop fucking about with this.

It is time to do something.

We can make a difference!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

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Facebook, Friends and Fate

A guest post from a new friend, please also click below to read Judy’s Q&A with www.mensdepression.org

Interview with Judy Fryer, mother who lost her son to depression

Facebook, Friends and Fate

I have been thinking lately, that I love the’ best of ‘ FaceBook! Not keen on the rubbish one sometimes comes across but maybe one person’s rubbish is another person’s interest…. who am I to say. The ‘ best of ‘ for me, is keeping in touch with friends and family worldwide. Viewing their photographs, getting snippets of their life and knowing how they are doing.

Another thing I love to do on FaceBook is to find all kinds of informative pages. My particular interest is Mental Health. I have learned loads from internet websites. It’s amazing what one can find out and what and who you can meet. Guess who I met in this way…..JON….he had written a great piece for Men’s Depression, an American website. I was fascinated by Jon’s story and it struck many chords with me. We have found we have much in common, although I am old enough to be his mother!

I feel as if we have struck up a friendship which I hope will last. A friendship born out of sharing our mutual heartache. Who would ever have imagined. Jon has already got a special place in my heart and I care about him. I get him and I want to see him flourish and prosper and reach the serenity he so much desires and deserves.Watch Froning The Fittest Man In History (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

I guess fate has brought us together. I hope I can be a great friend to Jon and make some small difference in his life. He has made a difference in mine already, he challenges my perceptions, makes me laugh and causes me to think carefully how I view certain aspects of life.

Long live our friendship Jon!

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Booze

Booze, booze, booze, booze………

I don’t know why but I had an urge this morning to post about booze, as usual I have no idea where I am going with this……

February 2014, I’m about 10 days away from my 11th booze birthday……. Everyone who knew me back in the booze days would never of thought I would be able to not drink. I’m making an assumption there but when I say everyone I do mean everyone, including me!! I’m worried where this post is going to go because I am pretty sure I am going to contradict stuff I have said before, however, I have noted on here that I do contradict myself a lot and that comes from believing in what I believe I believe in on any given day. I think this is going to get confusing!!!

First lets address “belief” I don’t believe in God, I didn’t believe in clairvoyance (until yesterday!) I know there are fakes out there but what I heard yesterday puts no doubt in my mind that there are some real ones as well! This might seem a bit “oh look at him he’s a bit full of himself…”, but, I have never believed in me…….I DO NOW!

If you are returning to this blog you will of noticed a little pop up window as you land on the site, this is annoying but I figured it was important because anything I write on here are my opinions and thoughts, indeed my ever changing opinions and thoughts and indeed, the ramblings of an official nut job. People have started asking for my “advice” what I answer with is not advice it is just experience and stuff I have formulated in my noggin!!

However, having heard some of the “advice” GP’s, noggin docs aka book monkeys give out it makes me wonder if the books they are reading are the Beano?

Right, disclaimer done lets get into it!

I heard this phrase in AA “I thought the clinic was going to teach me how to drink like a gentleman” I have used it on many occasions, when I entered the booze clinic I never thought the night before would be my last drink, if I had I would of drunk a lot more! Before the booze clinic my GP gave me the only bit of advice that I liked to here, I mustn’t give up drinking before I went into the clinic….. I pondered this and then thought….”I can handle that” :D. Yes I am being flippant, the point was my body was so used to booze, if I just stopped it could of been very dangerous!! I believe this is why binge drinking, as it is known these day, in my day it was just called the weekend, can be more dangerous than constant drinking. At the time of me going into the booze clinic the GP told me a story about a very fit sportsman who’d died from a heart attack, it was thought this was the result of binge drinking. Makes you think doesn’t it??

I guess that all sounds a bit preachy, but don’t get me wrong I love booze, booze is awesome, booze is the liquid of joy, booze brought me some fantastic times, some fantastic mates and dare I say some fantastic birds…. Yes I dare 🙂 .

I look at in many different ways… One of which is: –

“I abused booze and over used it for the wrong reasons so I now don’t have the right to enjoy it”

Let’s look at it another way: –

“I eat 20 bars of chocolate a day, I don’t understand why I am overweight?”

This is not meant to be offensive to people with weight issues, there is a point to this…. I promise!

Here comes the point…

Not long after I left the booze clinic I had one of those morning programmes on, they were doing a feature called “fat island” (this is genuinely what I think it was called) I heard a guy say “it’s easy for alcoholics to give up alcohol” this made me a little angry!! He continued and he made a lot of sense…. “They just have to stop drinking their addiction, but we still have to eat” I was still a little angry!! But then I thought “you know what he is spot on”. If I was told I had to have 3 pints of cider a day, Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (or whatever word you use I was going to put Tea but I think this is frowned upon in some quarters) it would send me over the edge. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE ONE PINT AND THEN NOTHING ELSE, THATS ABSOLUTE MADNESS!!!!! but people with food addiction or just people who enjoy there food still have to eat to stay alive. So that guy was right it is easy for alcoholics…. Easy is the wrong word but his theory was right (in my mind anyway) he perhaps could of used the word easier or simpler.

So I can look at booze and in a way say I was allergic to it, it had a bad reaction in me…… I don’t know? Am I talking bollox? Probably, this is how my mind works.

When I went into the booze clinic, I didn’t think I will never drink again, I didn’t want to stop drinking, I knew I had a problem and had known it for years but I just wanted to learn how to control it. I wasn’t at my rock bottom, I just wanted some help and if I’m completely honest I wanted to get people of my back for a bit…. Just like those times when I stopped drinking for weeks to PROVE I wasn’t an alcoholic…. This is bollox, a good alcoholic can stay of the booze for a few weeks and even strangely enjoy it. Strange thing to say? Again this is my experience and my opinion, I could strangely enjoy it because I was using one of my many alcoholic skills, manipulation, it is a skill I don’t care what you say, manipulation can be used for good and bad. As an alcoholic I used manipulation for bad, and enjoyed it! As a salesman I used manipulation for good, good is probably the wrong word, but good for me because it made me money and more important than money it gave me the buzz you can only get from making a sale 🙂 . Oh, buzz, interesting…. Another addiction???

To stop drinking, you don’t have to: –

Want to
Believe you can
Be at your rock bottom
Loose everything
Live in a skip
Sleep on a bench
Do everything AA tells you to
Believe in god or a higher power
Get a sponsor
Or a lot of other bollox you will be told….

But, if you know you have a problem or you are told you do on a regular basis by family and friens, you do have to: –Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

STOP BEFORE IT KILLS YOU
STOP BEFORE YOU KILL SOMEONE
STOP BEFORE IT TAKES EVERYTHING
STOP…..

I was a novice alcoholic compared to some, I would drink 2 maybe 3 bottles of wine a night, on my last night before the clinic I drank something like 3 bottles of wine and 8 cans of Stella Artois which is nothing in comparison to some. Fortunately I couldn’t afford more booze, I also fell asleep a lot once I got to a certain level. Unfortunately I fell asleep under tables and in bus stops as well but hey ho it’s all good for funny stories….

I AM 100% CERTAIN THAT IF I HADN’T OF STOPPED I WOULD BE DEAD OR IN PRISON (DRINK DRIVING COULD OF EASLIY RESULTED IN ME KILLING SOMEONE!!) ALTHOUGH PEOPLE TELL ME HOW BRILLIANT AND STRONG I AM FOR NOT DRINKING, THE TRUTH IS I GOT LUCKY. A PLAN OF MANIPULATION BACK FIRED ON ME AND I GOT SOBER.

YOU MIGHT NOT GET THAT LUCKY BREAK, YOU MIGHT END UP DEAD.

Keep smiling 🙂

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Overwhelmed

As the title suggests I’m overwhelmed by some of the feed back I’ve had from my guest post on Mensdepression.orgÂ (click here to read the post) there has been a few comments on the site and I had a number of messages sent directly, which I wanted to share…. I asked permission to share these words and I’ve made sure there are no names or specific personal details…

from K –Â Blimey Jon…just read your blog. I didn’t have a clue… I still remember the good old school crush I had on you back in the day..lol.

from C –Â Ok I read it and blubbed. As always you wrote it as it is. Depression, alcoholism, it’s hardly exciting stuff but it’s compulsive reading all the same. People are noticing you and wanting to publicise your words – that’s seriously impressive!! Your honesty jumps off the text and smacks your reader in the gob – keep going big guy. I have no idea what state your self esteem is in right now – it should be high. If not I bloody hope it’s climbing! You re doing it. May not be bound and sitting on waterstones shelves but I see it coming!!!! You re inspiring me! My book is seriously lightweight, a holiday read but if I can make a buck then I’ll be happy. It’s another handbag! Keep going big guy xxThe Lego Batman Movie (2017)

from A –Â Two words for your guest post at men’s depression.org (And keep in mind I am usually very lady like, lol!!!) But… Fucking Brilliant!!!! You nailed it Jon! Well done, so proud of you xo

from T –Â Hi Jon, Firstly can I just say glad to see your doing well and everytime I read something you write I either think spot on or have a chuckle it’s fab mate you have a real skill and love your honesty A lot of what you say rings true and it’s amazing as I worked with you and would never have guessed but we all paint a picture and put walls up from an early age I always felt a bit different tbf due to family issues then got to an age where you think your a man you can cope but when you struggle to be a good mate feel yourself drifting on the edge of a social group or just happy to spend weeks in the house I also was never happy in a relationship and maybe cus wasn’t happy in myself never turned to drink as I’m a lightweight lol but have had very bad thoughts on a few occasions and think maybe didn’t go through with it as was maybe a bit chicken but also have some very highs when I think I’m just being silly pull urself together but hearing you talk makes me connect and I’m sure other peeps will relate you were a pleasure to meet and work with and your a funny guy so genuine so keep going don’t stop and hope you don’t mind rabbling lol some peeps actually find real comfort in ur words

Wow, there isn’t a lot I can say to follow those words apart from Thank you and I am overwhelmed!!!

It has been said to me many times “I cant believe you have depression!” and “You don’t look depressed”, I guess I come across as upbeat and positive and all that….. For the most part I am more upbeat and positive than I have EVER been, but I still know I am ill inside and I am still in pain daily…..Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Mental Illness and Alcoholism have brought me everything bad in my life, they have also brought me a lot of thing’s good in my life…..

Although I am on the path of recovery they are still putting me into situations I don’t want to be in and still taking stuff away from me!!!

Keep smiling ?

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Taking Stock

This title came to me and yes I had to Google it to make sure it was correct…..

take stock
1. To take an inventory.
2. To make an estimate or appraisal, as of resources or of oneself.

Seems about right.

There are some awesome things going on in my life at the moment

There are some shit things going on in my life at the moment

Some exciting things
Some dull things
Some nice things
Some horrible things
Some easy things
Some hard things

Sometimes I give a shit
Sometimes I don’t
Sometimes I’m happy
Sometimes I’m sad
Sometimes I’m moving forward
Sometimes I’m moving backwards

I think you probably get the point by now….. Things are changeable!!!Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

I have all sorts of feelings going on (sorry another list is coming)….

Anger
Peace
Serenity
Happiness
Sadness
Mental
Sane
Horny
Lonely
Overwhelmed
Mischievous
Wanted
Unwanted
Useful
Helpful
Useless
Selfish
Manic
Relaxed
Fucked up
Fucked over
Determined
Whatever
Excited
Bored….. In fact I am now bored of this list, I guess you probably are too!!

All of the above are probably feelings “A Normal” has all at the same time as well? If you are “A Normal” please answer that question. As “A Mentalist” having all these thoughts and feelings can be confusing and hard work, the way I try to deal with it all is just by accepting whatever is going on (Oof!! How important is that word Acceptance? Answer… Very!)

So I have attempted to “take a stock of myself” and realistically I have achieved nothing and everything at the same time….. Why is nothing straight forward? Answer… Because we make it that way!

This is possibly a bit delusional but I am currently writing a book/memoir after being told by quite a few people I should. I have no idea how it is going but I am enjoying it, the same as I enjoy this blog, just typing out what is ready to come out of my head, good or bad….

I had a DM on Twitter a couple of days ago asking me to write something for an American website, which I did and have emailed it over to them. I have been advised it will be published on Monday which is one of their busiest days for activity on their site, when I see it actually on the site I will be posting lots of links 🙂 . I haven’t read it since I wrote it, apart from the 72 times I reread it while I was typing it, so I am both excited and nervous about what I wrote. Did I write that? Did I write this? How did I say that? Should I have said that? But in the end, it is written, they have it and I wouldn’t want to rewrite if I could because “it is what it is” and “what will be will be”.

This is a very short post compared to most of my previous ones, but when I come to look back on it I think it will mean a lot to me, I hope it means something to you?

Keep smiling 🙂

Awesome and tough day

Strange one today….I saw the psychiatrist for the second time and unfortunately had to post this on my return: –

IÂ say unfortunately, because I have to go back a bit on what I have said before, don’t get me wrong I still think the NHS is broken, I have always said the NHS staff are very good (mostly!) and also let down by the NHS system. However I am wrong to call all psychiatrists “book monkeys” (I will continue to call them this, sorry). I guess I cant name the noggin doc I saw for the second time today, but he has gained my trust today because he spoke like a human being and a lot, maybe even most of what he said made sense. A mate of mine commented on Facebook in reply to Â the remark about them “using sales techniques”: –

“I think us sales people use their techniques me old fruit!”

My reply was: –

“Very good point!! Bollox!!!! X”

Although I can admit I am wrong, I don’t like to 🙁 . You will however notice I replied to myself on Twitter with a little comment for Jeremy Hunt, not that he will read it or do anything about it, but hey ho.

It was a tough day because I wasn’t looking forward to seeing the psychiatrist again, but like most things it worked out better than I had thought. It’s was an awesome day because he seemed very pleased with my progress, he has put on hold the extra drugs he mentioned last time, which I was very very happy about, and he was very complimentary about the coping mechanisms I have put in place and adapted myself. I will now see him again in 2 months, when he said that last time I found it very stressful, this time I know I can cope and progress.

Before anyone starts thinking “careful Jon, don’t get a head of yourself” I know this and am prepared for it, a few weeks back I had a situation that made me realise I wasn’t as stable as I thought (click here for post on this) I did some very silly things that I’m ashamed of and I still regret, but I can’t change them I have to move forward. Because of this realisation moment I had to reevaluate and adapt, I now know what I have to do and if those things start to stop working I will reevaluate and adapt again. I am building a good “exboozehound recovery dictionary” and a very strong “exboozehound library of life mottos” and these will help see me through. I’m going to try to put together the above “dictionary” and “library” for my next post. I think regular readers will probably know a few of these by now!!

There was obviously other stuff discussed during the appointment, but some things I have to keep to myself, at least until I get my noggin around them anyway.

I will finish with a statement of fact: –

Â “I am stronger than I have ever been, I know I have mental health issues but I’m not ashamed of that. Mental illness has made me what I am today and what I am today is a good guy, a strong guy, a loyal guy, an honest guy, a dependable guy (not always), and finally a collections of “Jon’s” that I am starting to like”Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Ok that’s a bit over the top, but fuck it, it’s been a long time since I have been able to say “I like me”.

Keep smiling 🙂

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2nd Psychiatrist appointment Wednesday

As the title suggests my second psychiatrist appointment is almost here and it has me a little wound up…. I should be able to remember when I last saw him but I can’t, think it was end of November beginning of December I could look the date up but I can’t be arsed…..

Why am I wound up? I don’t know really there are various reasons, I guess he will be able to tell me on Wednesday, but I am going to use this post to try and work out why I am wound up. This goes against a lot of things I have said in the past but it is important I get as much out of my second appointment as possible…..

The last time is saw him, I was quite impressed, he had me talking about stuff I have never spoken about, he had me crying and he had me being about as honest as I have ever been able to be with a noggin doctor. He put up my meds to the top dose and talked about another drug we might try next time if needed. All good really, nice guy, seemed to know what he was doing and eventually had a positive effect on me…. I say eventually because I think it stressed me out a bit for a while last time, but overall positive, I think?

I’m concerned he is gunna say stuff like “tell me about your childhood” and “how did that make you feel” etc etc, but the truth is there was nothing wrong with my childhood. I don’t actually remember a lot, I get confused when I here people say stuff like “my first memory was when I was about 3…..” WTF???? How the hell do you remember that stuff, I don’t….. I can tell stories from my childhood, but I think that is because they are stories that are told over and over again, I don’t actually remember them, this makes me a little sad. If you have read other blogs about booze and mental illness I guess you will of read “I always thought there was something different about me as a child, I never felt like I fitted in anywhere, I always felt on the edge of everything, I could feel lonely in a crowded room etc….” Might sound like bollox but I know they are real feelings, these are probably the only things I do remember. If he starts asking stuff like that I will just be honest, it’s the way I roll these days.

I am also concerned because I had a letter from the chief executive of my local NHS mental health trust this week with the “FINDINGS” (LMFAO!) from the investigation into my formal complaint (click here for details if you have some spare time!). I don’t think it is wise for me to go into my feelings and thoughts on these findings, all I will say is “NOT IMPRESSED!!!! AND THE FIRST GUY I MET WITH WAS REALLY GOOD AND I FELT COMPLETELY GENUINE BUT THE CHIEF EXECUTIVES LETTER HAS UNDONE ANY TRUST I HAD IN THE INVESTIGATION!” I will leave it there, I have already had a rant on social media and sent a message to the local trust…. Oh just one more thing, there is a week between the date on the letter and the post mark on the envelope, nope I’m not making it up, UN FUCKING BELIEVABLE! I have a letter assuring me that my complaint will in no way effect the treatment/therapy I receive, I do not believe this and I can prove it has effected my treatment/therapy but I’m keeping that bit to myself for now.

I’m concerned because although I accept I just have an illness, I don’t bloody want it, it’s hard work. I am going to give you an example of why it is hard work, I want to preempt this by saying my issues are my issues, I would not be where I am today without the support of my family!! They have been amazing! Although it is important I have therapy and I take meds I have no hesitation in saying the NHS has mainly hindered my recovery, where I am today is down to family, friends new and old and the strength inside me!

So the example… I have changed my mind I’m not going to give an example, but what I will say is because I speak about my mental health and my family and friends support me I am able to just be me and if I need to walk away for a couple of minutes or leave suddenly no-one questions it they just accept it. This gives me a lot of strength, this allows me to “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”, this allows me to start to “Find Jon a Serene Jon” (there is a message within that and there is only one person that will understand it :p). Because of the support of family and friends I am beginning to find Jon and there is definitely serenity emerging, I never liked whoever that Jon was before and could never understand why people did like him. I don’t want you to read that as a negative or think “fucking nut job” I want you to read that as a positive. I will never be a born again Christian but I am a born again Jon, I am a born again exboozehound. I have a couple of new tattoos they are simply “exboozehound”, “1973”, “2003” and “2013”. We know exboozehound is me, but what about the dates, they are the years I was born: –

1973 – year I was born
2003 – year I gave up booze and was born again
2013 – year I finally went dolallytap and was born again because I finally had to address the shit I tried to hide for 20 years.

Good place to end I think?

Keep smiling 🙂

The power of social media

Slightly off subject and I will be keeping this short.

I always said I would never go on Facebook and when Twitter was suggested to me I tried it and I did not understand it. Twitter was where the name exboozehound was finally made official I had called myself it for a long time, but Twitter made it real, now I have my blog and I have it tattooed on my chest 🙂 .

I have accounts with most of the social media sites now, I have a poor understanding of most of them and usually can’t remember all the bloody passwords but I have the accounts so I am cool and down with the kids.

I did some maths last night, by choice, (yes I am sad!) and added up my followers followers the total was over 6,000,000! AMAZING! Since then I have a few more followers with an amazing amount of followers.

The reason I did this, apart from being sad, was to see what the potential reach a Tweet could have. I know I’m not going to reach them all but the potential is there in theory.

I have an issue with the NHS at the moment and I am not going to give up, I may very well be asking for your help very soon!

Catch u all soon 🙂

Keep smiling 🙂

Dog with 2 dicks

“Happy as a dog with two dicks”

“A phrase used when a greatÂ senseÂ of selfÂ achievementÂ has been reached, or oneÂ isÂ seriouslyÂ happy.

That’sÂ one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind. I tell you, I’m as happy as a dog with two dicks me.”

Neil Armstrong, 21st July 1969

I have been fortunate to meet (all be it virtually!) some awesome people through my blog. Unfortunately I let one of these people down, I hope to rectify that at some point. One of the people I have met via this blog and Twitter isÂ @VeronicaValliÂ she is awesome!! Now, I have to say I thought I might of ended our friendship very quickly when I questioned if the answer to a question she was posing was actually in the blog post… but I have said before my policy is honesty “If I can’t be honest I wont say anything at all” (and trust me for a former salesman that ain’t easy!!). Veronica was very gracious and took no offense, which I think is very important… Agree or disagree there is no one solution to any issue, there are always options…..

I could decide to walk up to the shop forwards or I could walk backwards I would still get to the shop….. walking backwards might be a bit more difficult and more dangerous but chances are I will still get there…..

(as an aside I went to my local Â shopÂ recentlyÂ dressed like a badly dressed homeless person (sorry), none of my family enjoyed it, my nephew described me as “a div” and someone very key to my current positive frame of mind made me promise I will never use the photos again! I got some funny looks and I can imagine people thinking “how come they’ve let him out” but you know what I enjoyed it, I believe it empowered me to cope with paranoia moments in the future “Whats the worst that could happen?”)

To regular readers it wont be a surprise I have gone off subject a bit! The point of mentioning Veronica, I tweeted today “This is a MUST READ…..” and it is, I promise you. Veronica knows I cant agree with everything she writes, partly on this subject because I don’t have “faith” and I don’t understand “spirituality” both of those words scare me, if they scare you and you think like me “i’m not into all that hippy bollox” you are wrong my friend, I am wrong (i’m not but I am??) read it and take from it what helps you…. I have…. Thank you Veronica :).

Ok, “Dog with 2 dicks”….. Why?….. Today has been a goooooood day for various reasons, one of them I cant talk about, others I wont talk about and of course I ain’t gunna bother thinking too much about “WHY?” because it is wasted energy, the real answers are “Who Knows!” “It is what it is” “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” “Live in the moment”

But I will list a couple: –

The other day I took my nephew to Martial Arts, he was awesome!, on the way back we had “Eat, sleep, rave, repeat” on very loud in the car, the rules are after the lady finishes her part you have to go bonkers…… 🙂 (I have no problem with that, lol). Today I pulled up to my Dads house and the Sis pulled up along side me with my 2 nephews and 2 other sprogs, they were all bouncing up and down like nutters 🙂 . I had to get me some of that action, so I walked down the road withÂ “Eat, sleep, rave, repeat” playing on my phone. As I got close my younger nephew ran up to me and gave me a high 5 (“Gem” moment), Â I carried on walking down and when I got to the older nephew we waited as the song got to the bonkers bit…. Sis and the other sprogs stood there looking at us in puzzlement. Then it came “Bonkers time” which led to a 40 year old mentalist (sorry) and a 9 year old jumping up and down sort of head banging, in a respectable road as well!! (needless to say he had better rhythm than me, but hey ho I can eat more than him and always will be able to (Ollie ;-p ).

I received a DM today on Facebook (I have taken some private stuff about others out) : –Â

“…Crikey you have a wasted talent for writing!… Your blogs are compelling reading and you have a real talent for reaching people. Please consider when you are well and strong (it will happen, believe that) please please consider writing your experiences or even deviate and write some dark violent northern tale, but either way, you should know you have a talent… It’s something to think about… But writing doesn’t need an office, you don’t need to travel and until your established, there’s no deadline! Please consider or at least keep my idea at the back of your mind!!.., Keep going big guy! I have every faith in your abilities and look forward to one day, downloading you on my kindle!”

What can I say to that?…… OOF!! I have started my book (might be delusional but “it is what is is”). This DM tipped me over, about 10 people now have said the same thing about me writing a book….. So lets do it, hopefully it will help people understand Mental Illness and Alcoholism from an extremely honest point of view, my point of view will be disagreed with in many circles but, there is no one solution to any issue (and everyone is allowed to have views and opinions as long as they agree with mine!)… and I have to show this tweet again: –

I’ve had a couple of private conversations on Facebook today one of which has left me speechless, seriously that doesn’t happen often, if at all, but i’m speechless and numbed with happiness 🙂 .

Sorry, there is still more I need to say today…….

Even through my Mental Illness I am happy, I mean no disrespect to anyone when I say this, my lack of happiness has never been down to other people it has been down to me. I have now let go and am addressing something I have hidden as best I could for 20 years, people have known for this amount of time that I suffer with depression but so many people do these days. I think I always knew it was more than just depression (I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way, I find it hard when people say they are depressed because there football team has lost and other things like that, I especially found it hard when a “famous” doctor (fucking jumped up arrogant book monkey!!) tweeted something along the lines of “Is there a medical term for the depression and desperation felt when you come to the end of a box set “Â My reply was “for a doctor I think this comment is disgusting, basically making light of mental illness, did u learn that from a book?”Â He then was happy to let his followers attack me and carry on with his arrogant bullshit!)

Nearly finished I promise…..Watch Cyberbully (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

I recently decided to try and keep my Facebook page separate from this blog and Twitter for a couple of VERY IMPORTANT reasons but I was persuaded tonight to keep things as they were. I did this in part due to possible future #stigma after all I am an alcoholic with mental health issues, not a very good prospect for the future, alcoholics fall off the wagon all the time and the mentally ill are dangerous…… Bollox I was more dangerous when I hid it all, having it all out in the open (maybe a bit too open sometimes!) makes me no risk at all because I am honest and selfish enough to say “i’m feeling a bit yampy i’m gunna leave or go for a walk or have a kip”. Lets just flip back to my earlier “empowerment” “What’s the worst that could happen?”. Sometimes I can’t handle being around people, sometimes I feel people are laughing at me, sometimes I feel people are judging me. I don’t know why and it happens a lot less now, all I do is remove myself from the situation, simple, keep adapting and reevaluating, be honest with yourself and others and you will find some happiness and serenity. Veronica has serenity, i’m working my way towards it, if I had followed Veronica’s path maybe I would now have serenity, but all the shit of the nearly 11 years since I gave the booze up has been hard and has made me ill, it has also made me the man I am today, the man who receives DM’s like the one above, the man that school friends I haven’t seen for 25 years say they are proud of me, the man that a number of people have said is inspirational, that’s got to get you thinking (especially you Alex!), surely that has you thinking?

New readers may be thinking wheres this Black Country Yam Yam numpty got the word “serenity” from, Google “The Serenity Prayer” or as I prefer to call it “The Serenity Thingy” I just drop the first “G” word :-/ . This thingy has got me through a lot of scrapes!!!! (i’d say other search engines are available but lets be honest there aren’t!).

And now I am going to become an Author (lol) I have no choice but to get me one of them iPad things, it’s the law….. Any sponsors for this essential equipment are most welcome 🙂 .

“It is what it is”

“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

“Live in the moment”

“exboozehound – 1973 – 2003 – 2013”

#timetotype

“Share me, Tweet me, RT me, but please don’t mistreat me”Â (well… it depends on your definition of mistreat really….. mmmmm”)

Keep Smiling 🙂

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“That’s it really”

This post is dedicated to Catriona, whenever I said to her “it is what it is” she would reply with “That’s it really” always with a huge smile 🙂 .

Problem is I have been to Catriona’s funeral today, she was 42…….

I did’t know her long, but we got on straight away. I managed to upset her one day she misunderstood something I said but we sorted it out and she said something along the lines of “i’m beginning to like you, you’re a cheeky one you’re trouble aren’t you?” with a huge smile 🙂 .

I am guessing her family will never read this but I would like to reinforce what the second speaker said today, she loved her family so much and she showed me pictures of “her boys” a few times, she was so proud of them, she was so proud of her sister and her Mom and Dad and she loved them all from the bottom of her heart, although she did say on a numbers of occasions “they seem to know what I am doing before I do…” we discussed the possibility that they had installed web cams, lol. She had a huge smile on her face 🙂 .

This bit will sound a bit selfish…. I am absolutely gutted she passed away before Christmas because she made me promise I wouldn’t spend it on my own and would go to my brothers, initially I lied to her and she gave me a huge smile 🙂 . I bumped into her later that day and she made me promise again, I did and I think this time I meant it, we gave each other a hug and as I walked away she had a huge smile on her face 🙂 . She was so excited about Christmas and she didn’t get there last year, which is so sad….. I hope if she was looking down to see if I went to my brothers she saw that I did and had a huge smile on her face 🙂 . Thank you Catriona, because I went I got some real “Gem” moments to add to my memory bank and that puts a huge smile on my face 🙂 .

I want to keep this post short so I will just say it was an absolute pleasure to have known you and have a laugh with you, you will be in my thoughts for ever. As you know I don’t do Christmas but the card you gave me the last time I saw you I have in a clip frame, and I promise next Christmas I will enjoy it and not put a Bah Humbug hat on my head. Gunna miss you Catriona… “That’s it really”……..

One last thing, i’m not a big Take That fan but this tune was played at your funeral today and from now on every time I hear it I will think of you and the HUGE SMILE ON YOUR FACE 🙂 .

Take That “Rule the World”

Keep Smiling 🙂