Continual Acceptance

I was gunna title this post “The Cruelty Of Mental Illness” but that seemed a little “let’s have a wallow in self pity” and that isn’t the place that I am or should be in at the moment. I should actually be doing a positive post about an award and recognition I received last week, I should be talking about some amazing new contacts of influential people I made at the “Dudley Volunteer Awards 2015” and the possibility of meetings I’ve got coming up and the potential that could come from those people and meetings, but after the high of the awards last Thursday I’ve gone for another little nose dive into depression. I was gunna talk about the cruelty of mental illness but I’d rather talk about the inconsistency and nonsensical reactions we can have to things. For me the meds we take are to keep us on a level, which is both a good and bad thing. It’s bad cus you often here people talk about themselves being zombiefied, unable to feel emotions. It’s a good thing cus the problem with being able to feel emotions you feel the highs and quite often after the high you feel worse because when coming down from that high you go back to that level that’s best to be on and the higher you go the bigger the drop back to the level which although it happens quite often it always seems to catch you by surprise.

The reason I changed the title and hopefully the message of the post is I want to be positive or perhaps more truthfully I want to be realistic….

I believe in order to move forward from whatever form of mental health issue you are dealing with there first of all has to be an acceptance of the issue, whatever that issue is and if you fully understand it or not. My guess is the majority of us don’t now and maybe never will fully understand our issues, we have spent many years getting to this point of our lives and to unpick the issues of life to a point where we know exactly why we are the way we are is very unlikely, so at some point we have to accept we are never going to be able to answer all the questions we pose to ourselves, we have to accept there probably isn’t one reason or indeed any actual answers to the many questions we ask ourselves or are asked in our recovery process by the experts who are trying to fix us. I’ve had conversations with people who believe they have recovered from there mental health issue, I would never question them specifically about it cus it’s there recovery, it’s there life and if they believe that then it’s absolutely fantastic news for them. Unfortunately I don’t believe I will ever be cured of my mental health issues, I believe I will always have a level of instability, I don’t see this as a negative way of thinking about it, I see it as a realistic thought pattern for the way my world is now and has been for many years. I know over the many years I have struggled with depression and then clinical depression and mental illness following my mental breakdown (or major episode) in 2013 has left me with an instability that will always be there in one form or another in my life, what I have to do is change my many incorrect learned reactions to different situations and events that will face me in the future. Having said that if I ever believe I am cured I will shout it from the rooftops….

It’s not enough to accept once you have a mental illness, the initial acceptance is a very important one but we have to continually accept each and every episode. We have to accept the highs, we have to accept the lows, we have to accept the intrusive thoughts, we have to accept the bonkers thoughts, we have to accept the paranoid thoughts, we have to accept the lack of emotion, we have to accept the abundance of incorrect and mis interpreted emotions, we have to accept the lack of energy, we have to accept the agitation, we have to accept each and every unexplainable mood change that comes our way.

Accepting all these things is not giving in, it’s not being negative, it is about being realistic. An awful lot of what goes on in our minds and in our lives make us uncomfortable and uneasy but in order to move forward from these issues we must accept them in order to find a way through and past them.

I say all the time I have no problem in accepting I have a mental illness or have mental health issues but I don’t think I actually have fully accepted. Part of me is still the man who believes men should be strong and be able to cope with everything life throws at us, I think this is hard wired into us. I believe this is why there’s an awful lot in the media about why men find mental illness harder to cope with, why men find it harder to ask for and accept help and why the figures for suicide in men is so high, we believe admitting we need help is admitting we are weak. We are not weak, accepting we have issues, accepting we need help, accepting we must ask for help, accepting that help shows we are strong and believe me when I tell you you will need that strength to keep fighting towards your recovery, you will need that strength to continually accept, sometimes on a daily basis that you have to find the strength to realise you will be able to cope with everything life and life with mental illness throws at you, maybe not immediately but if you keep accepting and keep approaching things from every conceivable direction eventually you will cope with it all.

“There ain’t nothing we can’t cope with…. Eventually!!!!”

(Please understand me going on about it being harder for men is by no means me saying its easy for women, anyone battling mental health issues is not having an easy time)

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




Momentum

I’ve just checked the date of when I published the “About Me” page on my blog, unfortunately cus I have the memory capacity of a daft gold fish I’ve already forgotten the exact date but I do remember it was October 2013 and this is what I wrote: –

ABOUT ME
Hi, my name is Jon I am “exboozehound” you can probably work out I have had one or two issues with booze over the years. Fortunately my last drink was on the 17th February 2003, the day before I started a 4 week stay at the Woodbourne Priory Hospital.

I have suffered with depression since my teens, I am now 40 and unfortunately Clinical Depression has got the better of me and is currently winning the war.

So, to sum up I am a 40 year old Mentally Ill Alcoholic who is winning against booze but losing against depression.

I have started this blog to share my experiences, good and bad. I am going to be completely honest and I guarantee I will contradict myself from time to time.

I have had a horrendous time over the last few months and if this blog can help even just one person in a very small way it will be worth it.

Very simple and simply honest, if you’ve read any of my other stuff you will of spotted contradictions, but I have always stayed honest and my writing style can never be classed as professional, although over the months and years I have cut down quite a lot on the swearing. (maybe)

I spoke very briefley to a guy on Twitter the other day and asked him if he’d read my blog and he replied “Yes mate your blogs make me feel part of something,” To get that as a reply shows me that starting the blog was the right thing to do, simply put that’s exactly what it’s about, being part of something. Depression and mental illness make you feel very alone but with social media we are NEVER alone. I speak with people on Twitter that keep there identities anonymous, that’s not my way, that was a decision I took way back when I started the blog. To begin with I was just Jon aka exboozehound, then by mistake I put my surname in a post and thought I shouldn’t of done that and then I thought “aaaahhhh bollox, who cares” so just to show I have absolute no shame, Hi I’m Jon Mansell, I’m a mentalist and a retired alcoholic….

I distinctly remember thinking about starting the blog whilst I was mowing my Dad’s lawn, unfortunately around that time I was a little bit on the manic side and what started as a simple blog spiraled completely out of control and went a long long way into ridiculous delusional thinking…. Not quite “I’m gunna rule the world, ha ha ha ha ha ha” but trust me it wasn’t far off. To be honest mania and delusional thinking can sometiimes be a fun place to be but my mental health worker spotted my mania and delusion was getting a bit dangerous and slightly reduced my meds which brought me back down to earth a bit…. 🙁

Anyway, I think it’s fair to say the blog has come along way since October 2014.

I think it’s also fair to say quite a number of you will be thinking “blah, blah, blag, get to the f’in point!!!!”

So, the title of this post “Momentum” this is me trying to be a little bit clever so it’s bound to go wrong…..

But, I’m always willing to make a tool of myself, it’s one of my few talents….

Momentum

“exboozehound” isn’t just me, it’s all about you lot, those that have offered me support and those that have asked for my support, those of you that have shared, liked or commented on a post on Face Book or Favorited, Re-tweeted or commented on Twitter.

Having got an email a few months ago from a guy called Tom Bowen from Big Centre TV via Chris Barron at Health Watch Dudley, Tom came over to see me and interviewed me about the blog and the one or two issues I’ve had in my life.

Tom Bowens Interview for the news on YouTube

Then a couple of weeks ago I got another call from Tom who told me he was doing a documentary series called “Dee Asks” with Dee Kelly (offa Benefits Street and Celebrity Big Brother, etc). We met at The Hope Centre in Halesowen and spent a couple of hours together. I had to admit to her I’d never really watched Benefits Street or Celebrity Big brother cus programmes like that just make me angry…. I think that was a good thing cus I had no pre-perceived perceptions about her…. She was a total legend, genuinely interested in talking to me about depression, Mental Illness and Alcoholism, Dee is doing different documentaries on various subjects and on Friday she gave us a little introduction to what she is doing speaking with Bob Hall.

Snippet of Bob and Dee introducing me. (The recording is a bit rough cus I video’d it on my phone off my iPad just to get my little clip)

And then on Saturday I got a text of Dee’s manager asking me if I would be up for going into the studio in Walsall to be interviewed by Monica Price for Cuppa TV. This hasn’t aired yet but you can be sure that as soon as I can I will be posting links everywhere….

Ok, so we are still talking about momentum, momentum is building more and more people are becoming aware of “exboozehound” and actually want to talk to me.

On Thursday this week I will be going to a meeting held by Dudley Borough Clinical Commissioning Group Public Health Forum Meeting…. The last one I went to I started a discussion/argument with the GP giving the opening slide show and I can guarantee I wont be sitting quietly at this one just nodding my head.

Today I have spoken with a Dudley & Walsall Mental Health Trust Manager who wanted to confirm I was to be attending a meeting on Friday entitled “Working Together For Recovery Group” and again I can absolutely guarantee I won’t be sitting their nodding my head….

I have done some work with Health Watch Dudley, Dudley Making it Real Campaign, and was partly involved is setting up The Peoples Network which started with about 10 of us and the last time I actually got to a meeting there was more than 50 people there.

I have interested contacts withing the Dudley and Walsall Borough Council, I have been to various meetings with a company called Governance International and I’ve had a number of meetings and conversations with James Morris our local Conservative MP who is the Chairman of the All Party Parliamentary Group on Mental Health who are working for mental health to be given the same level of priority as physical health.

So, although my Noggin Demons continue to tell me I’m a failure at life and a waste of a human being things ain’t going too badly and I have to work at keeping the Momentum moving forward and take all the opportunities I can to get out there and show that a drain on the benefits system like me is actually determined to make a difference for me and others whether they are in this country or all over the world….

Oh and I’ve also been nominated to be recognised at the 2015 Dudley Volunteer Awards, because 2 months ago a started “exboozehound’s Group For Men” which happens once a week on Thursday at 13:00 at The Hope Centre Halesowen.

I’m now sitting here thinking “can I actually publish this, I’m coming across as a right Tosser banging on about all that’s happening” but I have to publish it because it’s not just about me, it’s about all those people that send me kind words about me and what I am trying to do…. This morning the first thing I read was a DM on Face Book that said “Hey, I hope you are well. Just wanted to say how inspiring you are!!! Always a calming influence and always make sense”. I am very fortunate to of received a good number of messages using the word inspiring or inspirational and a lot of the time I laugh it off and then get told off for not taking a compliment. Reluctantly I have started to take those words for what they are, they still sit uncomfortably but if people actually take time out of their day to say stuff like that I should accept them and ensure they continue to inspire me to carry on….

So, lets look at another kind of momentum….

Momentum

This is about the momentum we need to look for to keep the momentum of our recovery moving forward, sometimes it’s very difficult, sometimes it’s almost impossible. Today I have sat here and wrote all that stuff above, proud that I started the blog to help me and others and it seems along the way I have helped others through tough times.

You may think that Jon is currently doing really well and today and yesterday I am. However on Friday I was low and sat in the lounge thinking “I can’t win this war against my demons, eventually they will destroy me completely, every time I think I’ve turned a corner another wave of misery and pain comes along to fuck me up”. Sunday I was only out of bed for 3 hours, thoughts like that and not being able to get out of bed is no way to live a life it’s just an existence….

With thoughts like that I have to keep going back to “enjoy the good and ride out the bad” every time I get low I have to remember I have bounced back before and I will bounce back again. You have to remember that every episode of misery you have you will bounce back eventually and in keeping on bouncing back you are keeping the momentum of your recovery going forward. You may of had a bad day today, but that doesn’t mean tomorrow will be a bad day as well, and if it is another bad day it’s just another 24 hours you have to get through to see if the day after that gets a bit better and if it does get a bit better, enjoy it, you never know the next day might find you feeling a bit better also. If you’re having a shite day just work your way through it however you can and if all you can do is lie in bed, or mope about feeling sorry for yourself, or spend the day bursting into tears then so be it….

Rightly or wrongly I am of the opinion my Noggin Demons will never give up trying to destroy me, basically I’m a long term mentalist, I was born a mentalist and I will die a mentalist but with a bit of luck and a lot of hard work I may be a happy/relaxed mentalist who knows I have a purpose in life and hopefully I will have many things to be proud of and you guys will hopefully be the same.

Keep working hard on keeping the momentum of your recovery moving forward and when the backwards steps come along, cus lets face it they more than likely will, remember your demons didn’t completely destroy you last time and they wont do it this time, yes they are clever little evil fuckers, but you will always be that little bit stronger and you will learn ways to play there game and beat them at it….

Right, I think I’ve finished…. I/we have to work together to keep the momentum of exboozehound moving forward and I/we have to work tirelessly to keep the momentum of our recovery moving forward.

Whatever the little demon fuckers throw at you, you’ve beaten them before and you will continue to beat them every time they have a go….

 

There ain’t nothing you can’t handle…. EVENTUALLY!!!!

 

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Read my motto again and again and again until it grabs you by the bits and you fully understand it and what it means to YOU!!!

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




Thinking is overrated

Чтобы выйти. которая также является лучшим летом прическа и адаптируются к длинным и коротким волосам. чем солнце. чтобы сделать это. Большинство современных женщин делают носить макияж. платины светлые волосы сделали свой путь в 2013 весна / лето движение цвета волос. с точки зрения питательных веществ.

Другие варианты Половина заплести волосы. . количество ультрафиолетовых лучей и время вы проводите дубления вашего тела находится в постоянном движении. и это делает меня счастливым. 1. который вы считаете. который используется для увлажнения кожи и способствовать созданию молодой вид.

что есть элементы в очаровании этого срока. Кроме того. вырезать его из середины и извлечь мякоть. в машине или даже кармане. Кроме того. Процедуры красоты имеют ком долгий путь от Thor примитивных средств до современного общества. Будьте уверены.

но это больше подходит для людей. Жирные кислоты в этом масле делают его более легким для волос и кожи головы. Обертывание помогает в некоторых очень различными способами. предоставляемые загара кабин идентичны УФ-лучей. это может быть стоит каждую минуту вы тратите на вашу красоту. и вы поймете. Добро пожаловать этой осенью стиль и сосредоточиться на прекрасном.

Поскольку многие природные бренды используют только лучшие натуральные ингредиенты в своих продуктах и ​​без наполнителей. Непрерывное использование масла макадамии волос может даже позволить волосам расти толще. Это отличный увлажняющий крем. Вот некоторые из основных преимуществ. так как аргановое масло. Это маскирующее приходит в палку или трубку. Был рассказ позади этого романа.

Зная. В солярии в соляриях у вас есть гораздо больше шансов контролировать свое время в машине. что цены могут быть довольно повышены. более легкую версию сегодняшних более сложных косметических средств. прежде чем использовать их. Противовоспалительное действие помогает в успокоении кожи. Это может удивить многих.

что косметика на самом деле началась более 6000 лет назад. , депиляция эпиляция Для некоторых женщин. речь идет о женщине. а не ясный лак для ногтей. в котором товары как продукты Kerastase являются частью повседневной нашей жизни. Развертки ее туда. Для женщин.

Что касается процесса увлажнения. В самом деле. Это также поможет сделать его дольше и выглядеть. вы получили столько. что появляются красивые означает больше. что является высоким качеством. Точно так же.

Так что следующий шаг. Но давайте поговорим о цвете первой. Есть два способа получить реальный загар – вы можете сделать на открытом воздухе на солнце. Пункты. Каждый метод дубления имеет свои преимущества и недостатки: Очевидно. В древние времена. Вы можете найти несколько салонов красоты и косметических экспертов.

что кровати дубления душ на вашем теле хуже для вашей кожи. ваших друзей и семьи. для загара является лучшим вариантом. Не это много. а затем обострить их. которые вы не получите от солнца. что веснушки вместо загорает.

который вы покупаете. . греки и персы использовали визуальные улучшения. чем эти мясистые листья. Это дает другой взгляд и прическа требует меньше усилий и может быть гламурными тоже. Цветочные ароматы напоминают мне о моей любви из роз и гвоздик. которая получила большое распространение негативной информации в последние годы.

устаревших щеток и различных других инструментов.

Depression Properly Sucks

Depression properly sucks…. Talk about stating the obvious!!!! What never ceases to amaze me is how I always seem to forget just how horrendous it can be and how difficult it is to bounce back properly. Depression sucks away your ability to enjoy anything of life, I’m sitting here watching the tennis finding myself jealous of all the smiling people fecking enjoying their lives. Watching people on Henman Hill jumping up and down waving there arms about with proper joy with huge real smiles on their faces…. Living their lives with joy and happiness.

Depression is sucking up all my energy at the moment and occupying my whole mind, I can’t get to sleep at night and then I can’t get out of bed in the morning, when I do get up I feel so very low and some days I just can’t be bothered to fight it. On Friday I received a letter from the DWP telling me they owed me a half decent chunk of cash which will enable me to clear a bit of my debt, if depression wasn’t controlling me at the moment I would of been jumping for joy as my benefits have been underpaid for over a year and now I can get my finances a little bit more in control. After reading this letter instead of jumping for joy I found myself sitting on the top step of the stairs crying. Then for a while I paced backwards and forwards asking myself if I was gunna be able to get anything from the nice sunny day outside.

People will keep telling you to keep taking little steps or concentrate on the positives or one day at a time and all of these things, although they can be a little bit annoying and soul destroying, are very true. So I decided to take some little steps, find some positives and do something about taking one day at a time. I had myself a shower and went out into the sun for a walk down into town, the only actual reason I needed to go down there was I needed some deodorant. So I purchased my deodorant and then went to the local Wetherspoons for a soft drink out the back sitting in the sun. I can usually guarantee there will be someone in there I know. So I had my soft drink and was sitting in the sun having a chat with someone, but I couldn’t settle my mind and left after one drink, there were other people in there that I just nodded to but couldn’t find the effort to have a chat with them. I walked back home feeling a bit more positive basically just cus I’d made a bit of a effort.

I know this post is very very dull, but it’s just real depression can lead to a very dull existence, and unfortunately the word “existence” is a poignant one cus at times it is an existence rather than a life.

I felt more positive on Friday evening but Saturday was a total disaster, on the phone with my Mom in tears and speaking with my Dad in tears, not even having the confidence to go down stairs and see my Brother. All I could do is go back to bed cus I didn’t have the strength to compete with the demons and the pain.

So far today has just been about trying to focus on the tennis, but in all honesty I’m almost looking through the TV, writing this I’m thinking I’m just wasting time cus there’s nothing helpful or uplifting for anyone. It’s dull, it’s depressing, it’s life.

However, I’ve been in much worse places than this before and I came back from those places, so I know I will break this cycle sooner or later, hopefully sooner….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




Short Post

I really should be pouring out nothing but positive stuff….

I was interviewed recently about the blog by a TV news show….
youtube news

Last week I ran the first “exboozehound group for men” (3 people turned up)….

A couple of weeks ago I went to a meeting with the Lotto people and we spoke about looking at funding and charity status for exboozehound….

At the lotto meeting I introduced myself as exboozehound and the response I got was “oh your exboozehound I’ve heard a lot about you”….

At the end of another meeting a lady came up to me and said “I just had to say I love the way you introduced yourself to the room” this lady said to me at another meeting that she had put a comment on Face Book about meeting me….

All of the above appears to be saying “ooh look at me aren’t I awesome….”

I have to be proud of some of the things I have done with exboozehound, I just wish I could keep the momentum moving forward at all times, but that’s just not the nature of the beast….

I’ve spent most of the last three days in bed cus I just couldn’t be arsed with life, I finally got up this morning about 11:30 and all I’ve done is sit and watch TV. I had to pop up the shop, which I found very difficult and kept my sunglasses on at all times cus I didn’t want anyone to be able to look into my eyes.

Last week I started trying to write a post about self isolation and loneliness but my concentration failed me. On Friday I went out and met up with some mates for the first time for a while, it was really good to see them and great to be out but I only lasted an hour or so cus I was feeling a bit manic and anxious. So at the start of the week I’m trying to moan about being lonely, but then when I’m out with mates I want to be back on my own.

The madness of being mad never ceases to blow my mind….

Yes this is a very short post, but I think it sums up quite a lot….

Mental Illness makes no sense whatsoever…. It’s just fucking mental!!!!

Keep going ?

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Just what are those “little steps”?

“Just take little steps”

I’m pretty sure that anyone who’s ever stepped into the world of a mentalist will of heard those words and indeed been annoyed by those words as well.

WTF are little steps??

Well, I’ve been thinking about this today….

Without wishing to become the most whingy whiny person that ever existed I’m gunna mention, again, that this year hasn’t gone well so far, I’ve been in quite a long term low episode and I just don’t seem to be able to get myself out of it. Every time I think “ooh I feel a bit more “normal” today” along comes another wave of miserable’ness and we start all over again.

Even though the “just take little steps” sentence has annoyed me as much as its annoyed you in the past it can be a bloody good starting point. I can pretty much handle anything mental illness throws at me these days cus I know no matter how long it takes I will come out the other side hopefully sooner rather than later. Even though the daily battle seems so fecking pointless at times I know deep down the fecking demons ain’t never gunna beat me completely….

So, these “little steps” we have to take, what are they?

ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU CAN FEEL POSITIVE ABOUT….

Here’s my little steps for today: –

I got out of bed this morning…. I did, I got out of bed at 11:59, this will seem a bit insignificant, but recently I’ve been unable to wake up and get up before the afternoon, yesterday I didn’t wake up until 14:30 and the night before I was in bed and asleep before 21:00. It may seem insignificant but for me today it’s a little step.

I left the house today…. Again this will seem insignificant, but before today (Tuesday) I hadn’t left the house since Friday. I didn’t go far, I’d planned to go for a bit of a drive but I just ended up down the local town centre. I parked up and found it difficult to get out of the car, I got out of the car and instantly wanted to get straight back in. I then simply walked around the outside of town, got back into the car and drove home again.

I’ve ate lunch and tea…. Again pretty insignificant, but sometimes I just can’t be arsed to eat, too much hassle.

I agree, on paper these three “little steps” are pretty insignificant, but I can see the positives. I started writing this post about 15:00 this afternoon and I’ve had to keep coming back to it cus I just can’t concentrate. Hopefully the post above comes across as completely positive even though I’m struggling right now, my noggin is buzzing, I can’t relax, I can’t think straight, all in all I feel pretty shite. The next couple of hours will probably be me fighting the urge to go and hide in bed, cus I’m fairly sure if I go to bed I won’t sleep and that will just wind me up all over again.

The fact that I can hold onto those “little steps” as positives is positive in itself, in a world of nothing but negatives at times any small any tiny seemingly insignificant positive has the chance of sparking more positives and more daily wins.

Keep your eye out for your own “little steps” (warning this is about to get proper cheesy)

image

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




The Continuing Madness

I haven’t wrote anything for the blog for a while, I’ve tried lots of times but just can’t seem to get the usual shite flowing…. So far this year has been shite, I’ve been pretty low, very tired and struggling on a daily basis. Fortunately I see my mental health worker on a regular basis and she keeps me plodding along reminding me how far I’ve come forward from the real dark days.

At the end of last year I was getting involved in loads of things, this year everything I’ve tried to get involved with has made me feel un well and f’ing useless, I’ve spent a lot of time hiding away and feeling sorry for myself. I don’t know why this year has started so badly and I try not to worry about why. Talking with my mental health worker we have come to some possible conclusions and basically they are just things that would probably get a “normal” a bit down but as I’m not a “normal” they have lead me finding life difficult. This week I’ve gone a little dolallytap, I hit a real low which lead to an awful lot of pacing backwards and forwards, rocking like a nutter and oddly sitting on the floor at the end of my bed with a dressing gown over my head (NUTTER!) which then lead to me lying on my bedroom floor in a ball…. I’m sure you will agree this is not the behaviour of a “normal” and is indeed the behaviour of a raving fucking loony!!!!

I’m a little bit more relaxed today but I’m still doing a lot of pacing, I’m afraid to leave the house, I can’t talk without stuttering, I don’t seem to have control of my mind, body and soul, I feel like I could sleep for a week and I’m already struggling to concentrate on this post.

While I was sitting on the floor with a dressing gown over my head I was crying uncontrollably, one of the main things that was going through my mind was that I’m never going to be able to cope with real life again. Fortunately the day all this happened I was due to see my mental health worker and I told her this along with things like “I can’t take this struggle anymore” “I want to be able to enjoy life” “it’s too hard” “I’m 41 and I’ve got nothing”…. All these things were said whilst crying that much that she had to fetch me tissues…. I’m not ashamed of crying (well maybe a little bit) I’m not ashamed of all the BOLLOX that was poring out of me, I am pissed off with myself that I’m feeling so sorry for myself and I’m very pissed off that I just don’t seem to be able to cope with real life. But, if I could just pull myself together I would of done that years ago, no one would choose to live like this cus at times its fucking horrendous and it is easy to understand why people with mental health problems take there own lives…. But I will not ever take mine cus I will never let my bastard demons win and neither should you.

I think I’ve been as low as I’m ever going to go and I came back from it, if I ever do go any lower I will always know I can come back from it, coming back from it will always be hard, it will always be painful and may take a few months but it will always be worth the effort. The next time I feel good I’m gunna make sure I cherish it and make the most of it, I will never again get complacent about things going strangely well and I will ensure that I believe in my motto 100%: –

image

I’m currently very angry about life and my mental illness so I think it is time to bring back something I wrote a long time back:-

image

The harder life gets the better the feeling of achievement for beating the demons will be…. Hopefully!!!!

Not a very good post I know, just honest about the pain….

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




Back to little steps….

He we go again…. I’ve been struggling again recently with the noggin demons, anyone who knows me will know this already cus I’ve been isolating myself more and more. Problem is with isolating yourself more and more is that when it comes to unisolating (another made up word) again the simplest things become very difficult. For whatever reason, or many different reasons I find myself losing the battle against my demons, bloody strong, sneaky bastards at times ain’t they!!!! They’ve got a good strong hold and are giving me a proper kicking, I keep trying to go back to the little steps, one day at a time, etc but the Neanderthal in me still sees that as pathetic, in fact the Neanderthal in me could only use words like pathetic to describe me at the moment, but the more socially acceptable version of me knows words like this are unfair and completely untrue…. Although that doesn’t stop me believing them at the moment.

So today I’ve gone back to small steps, which is a world apart from how I tackled it all on Monday. Monday I spent the whole day in bed, which is basically just hiding, I woke up very slowly in the morning, which is something I’ve been struggling with for a few weeks now finding that energy to get out of bed, eventually I got up and immediately felt an overwhelming pressure on me that made me panic about what the day would bring…. I bottled it and went back to bed and hid away. I didn’t sleep all the way through like I did a couple of weeks ago I just lay there twitching oddly at times and beating myself up in my demon full noggin. There really was nothing I could do to find that energy to get out of bed, saying that may seem a bit pathetic but whilst you are in that world it is very very real. Tuesday I woke up about 11:30 and got out of bed about 12:30, I was still wallowing and was very close to just wanting to go back to bed until I got a text from a mate who said he was on his way round, every part of me wanted to tell him not to come round but I guess I knew I needed some sort of distraction to break this behaviour pattern. Wednesday (today) started with an appointment with my mental health worker, the appointment was a 9:30 (which sadly in itself is a bit of a challenge at the moment), we sat and talked for an hour and I left feeling more positive.

Michelle (my MH worker) helps me remember how far I’ve come from quite a serious breakdown (for the want of more medical words), she reminds me that I’m diagnosed with clinical depression and she also reminded me that I haven’t just concentrated on my own recovery having started this blog and got myself involved with various groups and organisations. At the moment I’ve had to pull away a bit from some of the things I’d committed to purely to allow me to look after myself and ensure I don’t end up down the bottom of the totally dolallytap cul-de-sac.

Even though I am struggling with things and the demons are currently very strong and if I’m honest beating me at the moment “totally dolallytap cul-de-sac” is not a destination on my planned route of recovery. No matter how bonkers, frustrated, desperate, confused, upset, emotional, mad I feel I still know I will come out of this and will hopefully come out of it stronger cus each time I blip I also learn. I’m not sure what I have learnt this time, I’m not sure I could ever pinpoint the things I learn from the blips but even if it is just that the demons can win at times but can’t beat me for any significant periods of time and indeed the demons will never ever beat me completely, that’ll do for me….

At the moment I can only really see the negatives of life, but I know there are many positives kicking around as well and I know sooner or later I will see more of the positives than the negatives….

Again, this is not a “woe is me”, “please feel sorry for me”, it’s meant to be positive. Monday I spent all day in bed hiding and Wednesday I’ve done a number of very small things that with a bit of luck I will build on tomorrow, but let’s not worry about tomorrow yet, today is still here.

“Every journey begins with a single step”

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Fed up!!!!

It might be a slight give away with a title like “Fed up!!!!” that I’m still in a bit of a moaning, whining, woe is me phase and it’s been going on for some time now…. But I still don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, that’s not what this is all about. The fact is I’m me, I’m mentally ill and with that comes ups n downs, I know there is more to me than just being a mentalist but sometimes when things ain’t going so well there doesn’t seem to be anything else….

I am fighting really really hard not to wallow, I’m fighting really really hard not to over think it but it seems every time I feel like things are looking up the next day I just can’t get out of bed and when I do get out of bed I just don’t want to do anything or go anywhere and if I do do anything it just seems so pointless…. Because I’ve come so far from where I was a while a go feeling like this now makes me feel like I’m letting myself down and letting everybody down around me who has been there for me…. So if I have let you down I am sorry, I don’t and didn’t mean to.

Over the last few weeks I have said to myself “pull yourself together” it didn’t work!! “Snap out of it” it didn’t work!! “Strap on a pair” it didn’t work!! But shit like that doesn’t work cus simply the way I currently find myself is part of my illness. I’ve got a pathetic head cold and a dodgy back and I can’t snap out of those either!!!! I’ve just gotta keep going knowing there are better times to come and I do KNOW better times will come, eventually they always do.

And when those good times do come around again chances are sooner or later there will be shite times again. I don’t think saying that is negative it’s just realistic, what matters is how you react and deal with those shite times. For whatever reason I haven’t reacted or dealt with this dip very well and there could be many reasons for that, if I spend time trying to work out what those reasons are I will send myself mad (Erm lol, perhaps madder is the better word).

Don’t be surprised by your own illness, collectively that are called mental illnesses the clue is in the title “MENTAL” nothing really makes any sense….

Still there is no shame in ANY mental illness they are simply illnesses, some of us have and some of us don’t….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




How is life supposed to feel?

I’m not sure if that’s the right title for this post but it is a question I’ve found myself asking on a number of occasions recently. In the run up to Christmas I’m always aware there is a good chance that through the festive period my noggin will attack me with a barrage of negativity, this year was no different and still 12 days into 2015 if I had to describe myself with one word it would be simply “pathetic”. I guess I’m feeling a little bit sorry for myself, but that seems very pathetic as while I type this the news is on in the background about the terrible things that have been going on in France and along the bottom of the screen they are talking about the nurse who has contracted Ebola and all that’s wrong with me is a little bit of depression.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my mental health worker and then after that I have a meeting with Health Watch Dudley and the people’s network which all in all will last about 4 hours for both of the meetings but at the moment I find it scary to think about how much energy these meetings will take out of me and how many days of lying around in bed my body and mind will want afterwards…. Last night I went to bed about 8pm and today I didn’t get out of bed until about 14:30, one day last week I stayed in bed for more than 24 hours having only got up once to have a cup of tea and a roll up, my noggin was telling me I just don’t want to be awake cus I just don’t want to be doing anything cus anything I do I just won’t enjoy. And if I do actually do something my noggin will be telling me there are 3 other things I should be doing and if I am doing something it’ll be fucking pointless anyway.

When I am awake I’m finding it difficult to leave the house, I drove to Merry Hill twice last week to exchange a top I’d bought for my Nephew for Christmas, I completely bottled it the first time and didn’t even manage to park. The second time I nearly bottled it again, I walked into the shop and almost turned around to leave but I then noticed the shop was very quiet so forced myself to strap on a pair and stop being so pathetic. It wasn’t just the being up Merry Hill I was finding scary it was the possibility of bumping into people I know and having to have a conversation…. I haven’t felt like this for such a long time!!!!!

People who know me personally never really see this side of me cus I hide it by simply hiding away, but I know that isn’t the answer cus hiding away just perpetuates the problem and helps no body….

As I said earlier I wasn’t sure about the title of this post, but I had asked this question of myself a number of times. It’s a question I just can’t answer and fear that I will never be able to answer. I’ve spent so long in a world of unhappiness with my feelings either being controlled by medication, booze, dictated by others or set out by a badly wired up noggin that I really don’t think I understand feelings and how I should feel about life…. I know that over the last few weeks and months I have let people down with probably what seems like complete selfishness on my part and it probably is based on selfishness but it’s a self preservation selfishness that I have to employ cus I really and truly just don’t understand how to feel and how I should be feeling about my life at this moment in time.

It’s amazing when I get messages like I did on my last post, below:-

Judy Fryer
DECEMBER 28, 2014 AT 10:34 PM
Hey matey, really good to hear from you. I love hearing from you, the good, the bad and the downright ugly….it’s important to let it out and share it amongst those who care about you. I wish I had a magic wand.
Good to know that you have appointments tomorrow.
They will be an important focus.
I, for one, will be thinking of you and hoping things look brighter very soon. Love and a big hug. xx

Bell
DECEMBER 28, 2014 AT 11:18 PM
Hi Jon,

Not sure I’ve ever commented on your actual blog before, rather than through Twitter but wanted to say I think you’ve done brilliantly since I first read your posts in about Feb this year 🙂

The way you’ve tackled your own MH and the NHS are inspiring and I know you’ve been a great help to many including myself!

I know I’ve said I’m not a great fan of duvet days because I’m not sure how helpful they are long term, but mate, if anyone deserves a break it’s you. Everyone stumbles when they’re learning to walk, and even if you fall on your arse, it doesn’t mean you have to start crawling all over again. You are awesome, and don’t you forget it 😉

This is the year we’re getting our shit together… I can feel it 😉
Bxx

Robbie
DECEMBER 29, 2014 AT 4:35 PM
Hi Jon,

Look you have done really well and you know damned well that 15 is going to rock for you. Why? Because you are you it is simple as that.

You mention normal, what the hell is normal? One person’s normal aint going to be mine or yours or the bloke next doors normal is it?

Your normal is your normal Jon, they are your highs and lows and they exist to you in your normality. Enjoy those highs and kick those lows in the backside.

Jon, thank you for your help this year, I was pretty close to losing the plot as you know but with your help and just being there, well I made it through.

Hugs xx
Robbie and Awesome lady

It’s awesome to get messages like this cus it shows exboozehound has made a difference to my life and to others lives, I just wish my noggin would allow me to keep these things in mind rather than running away with the pain and indifference in life it likes to have me festering in.

I will come out the other side of this episode, just like you all will again and again and we will do this by knowing that the bastard that is mental illness just ain’t as strong as we are. At times in this episode I have KNOWN mental illness has me beaten, but I’ve KNOWN this before and I KNOW no matter how many times mental illness try’s to destroy me it NEVER will!!!!

So far 2015 has been a big bag of shite but sooner or later I will bounce back and so will you!!!!Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)

Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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