Fed up!!!!

It might be a slight give away with a title like “Fed up!!!!” that I’m still in a bit of a moaning, whining, woe is me phase and it’s been going on for some time now…. But I still don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, that’s not what this is all about. The fact is I’m me, I’m mentally ill and with that comes ups n downs, I know there is more to me than just being a mentalist but sometimes when things ain’t going so well there doesn’t seem to be anything else….

I am fighting really really hard not to wallow, I’m fighting really really hard not to over think it but it seems every time I feel like things are looking up the next day I just can’t get out of bed and when I do get out of bed I just don’t want to do anything or go anywhere and if I do do anything it just seems so pointless…. Because I’ve come so far from where I was a while a go feeling like this now makes me feel like I’m letting myself down and letting everybody down around me who has been there for me…. So if I have let you down I am sorry, I don’t and didn’t mean to.

Over the last few weeks I have said to myself “pull yourself together” it didn’t work!! “Snap out of it” it didn’t work!! “Strap on a pair” it didn’t work!! But shit like that doesn’t work cus simply the way I currently find myself is part of my illness. I’ve got a pathetic head cold and a dodgy back and I can’t snap out of those either!!!! I’ve just gotta keep going knowing there are better times to come and I do KNOW better times will come, eventually they always do.

And when those good times do come around again chances are sooner or later there will be shite times again. I don’t think saying that is negative it’s just realistic, what matters is how you react and deal with those shite times. For whatever reason I haven’t reacted or dealt with this dip very well and there could be many reasons for that, if I spend time trying to work out what those reasons are I will send myself mad (Erm lol, perhaps madder is the better word).

Don’t be surprised by your own illness, collectively that are called mental illnesses the clue is in the title “MENTAL” nothing really makes any sense….

Still there is no shame in ANY mental illness they are simply illnesses, some of us have and some of us don’t….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




How is life supposed to feel?

I’m not sure if that’s the right title for this post but it is a question I’ve found myself asking on a number of occasions recently. In the run up to Christmas I’m always aware there is a good chance that through the festive period my noggin will attack me with a barrage of negativity, this year was no different and still 12 days into 2015 if I had to describe myself with one word it would be simply “pathetic”. I guess I’m feeling a little bit sorry for myself, but that seems very pathetic as while I type this the news is on in the background about the terrible things that have been going on in France and along the bottom of the screen they are talking about the nurse who has contracted Ebola and all that’s wrong with me is a little bit of depression.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my mental health worker and then after that I have a meeting with Health Watch Dudley and the people’s network which all in all will last about 4 hours for both of the meetings but at the moment I find it scary to think about how much energy these meetings will take out of me and how many days of lying around in bed my body and mind will want afterwards…. Last night I went to bed about 8pm and today I didn’t get out of bed until about 14:30, one day last week I stayed in bed for more than 24 hours having only got up once to have a cup of tea and a roll up, my noggin was telling me I just don’t want to be awake cus I just don’t want to be doing anything cus anything I do I just won’t enjoy. And if I do actually do something my noggin will be telling me there are 3 other things I should be doing and if I am doing something it’ll be fucking pointless anyway.

When I am awake I’m finding it difficult to leave the house, I drove to Merry Hill twice last week to exchange a top I’d bought for my Nephew for Christmas, I completely bottled it the first time and didn’t even manage to park. The second time I nearly bottled it again, I walked into the shop and almost turned around to leave but I then noticed the shop was very quiet so forced myself to strap on a pair and stop being so pathetic. It wasn’t just the being up Merry Hill I was finding scary it was the possibility of bumping into people I know and having to have a conversation…. I haven’t felt like this for such a long time!!!!!

People who know me personally never really see this side of me cus I hide it by simply hiding away, but I know that isn’t the answer cus hiding away just perpetuates the problem and helps no body….

As I said earlier I wasn’t sure about the title of this post, but I had asked this question of myself a number of times. It’s a question I just can’t answer and fear that I will never be able to answer. I’ve spent so long in a world of unhappiness with my feelings either being controlled by medication, booze, dictated by others or set out by a badly wired up noggin that I really don’t think I understand feelings and how I should feel about life…. I know that over the last few weeks and months I have let people down with probably what seems like complete selfishness on my part and it probably is based on selfishness but it’s a self preservation selfishness that I have to employ cus I really and truly just don’t understand how to feel and how I should be feeling about my life at this moment in time.

It’s amazing when I get messages like I did on my last post, below:-

Judy Fryer
DECEMBER 28, 2014 AT 10:34 PM
Hey matey, really good to hear from you. I love hearing from you, the good, the bad and the downright ugly….it’s important to let it out and share it amongst those who care about you. I wish I had a magic wand.
Good to know that you have appointments tomorrow.
They will be an important focus.
I, for one, will be thinking of you and hoping things look brighter very soon. Love and a big hug. xx

Bell
DECEMBER 28, 2014 AT 11:18 PM
Hi Jon,

Not sure I’ve ever commented on your actual blog before, rather than through Twitter but wanted to say I think you’ve done brilliantly since I first read your posts in about Feb this year 🙂

The way you’ve tackled your own MH and the NHS are inspiring and I know you’ve been a great help to many including myself!

I know I’ve said I’m not a great fan of duvet days because I’m not sure how helpful they are long term, but mate, if anyone deserves a break it’s you. Everyone stumbles when they’re learning to walk, and even if you fall on your arse, it doesn’t mean you have to start crawling all over again. You are awesome, and don’t you forget it 😉

This is the year we’re getting our shit together… I can feel it 😉
Bxx

Robbie
DECEMBER 29, 2014 AT 4:35 PM
Hi Jon,

Look you have done really well and you know damned well that 15 is going to rock for you. Why? Because you are you it is simple as that.

You mention normal, what the hell is normal? One person’s normal aint going to be mine or yours or the bloke next doors normal is it?

Your normal is your normal Jon, they are your highs and lows and they exist to you in your normality. Enjoy those highs and kick those lows in the backside.

Jon, thank you for your help this year, I was pretty close to losing the plot as you know but with your help and just being there, well I made it through.

Hugs xx
Robbie and Awesome lady

It’s awesome to get messages like this cus it shows exboozehound has made a difference to my life and to others lives, I just wish my noggin would allow me to keep these things in mind rather than running away with the pain and indifference in life it likes to have me festering in.

I will come out the other side of this episode, just like you all will again and again and we will do this by knowing that the bastard that is mental illness just ain’t as strong as we are. At times in this episode I have KNOWN mental illness has me beaten, but I’ve KNOWN this before and I KNOW no matter how many times mental illness try’s to destroy me it NEVER will!!!!

So far 2015 has been a big bag of shite but sooner or later I will bounce back and so will you!!!!Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)

Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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//

Unstable stability

Very soon it will be 2015 and although I know I have come a long way in 2014 the last couple of days have made me realise just how far I have to go to return to a “normal” life or indeed if I will ever have a “normal” life again. I didn’t get out of bed until about 14:30 today, I didn’t leave the house yesterday and if I’m honest I’m not looking forward to leaving the house tomorrow. But tomorrow I have to leave the house cus I’ve got an appointment with my mental health worker at 14:30 and I’m seeing my psychiatrist at 15:00.

I have definitely come a long way and although everything seems to be moving in the right direction I hate how close the pain of mental illness is to the surface, I hate how easily my stability can be derailed, I hate many things, including my lack of concentration and I definitely hate how much hard work keeping on keeping on is. I know I’m strong enough to keep going and I know 100% I will NEVER give up but I’m very tired from the constant battle.

I know 2015 will be a good year for me, it has to be cus I can’t have another shite year as I have nothing else to lose. I’m know where near that rock bottom that people like to talk about but even though I have come a long way I really haven’t even started the journey of recovery cus that can’t start until my stability is actually stable….Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Short and not so sweet post, not even sure it is worth it.

Having dips is good and bad, the good bit is it reminds you how good the good is when it’s good but the bad bit is it also reminds you how bad the bad bits are when its bad.

Tired of the pain and the ups n downs? Absolutely!!!!

But I KNOW there ain’t nothing I can’t handle…. EVENTUALLY!!!!

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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//

Is this the way forward?

G’day all, hope you’re well?

Please take some time with this post, it’s very important cus this is an opportunity to actually make some positive difference….movie La La Land 2016 streaming

I received a DM off @Daniel_L_Baker a few days ago about his charities new and inspired, crowd funding platform, Depression is not destiny I was happy to receive a DM off Danny because even though we’ve never met and he lives on the other side of the world he is definitely part of my recovery support team. His memoir had a very big effect on me and helped to reignite my fight against the horrendous pain I was in after my mental breakdown in June 2013. I think the best way I can sum up the effect this memoir had on me is by the medium of screen grabs: –

Please take note of the date of this review, 24th October 2013 as it’s quite a significant date for me.

image
Again please take note of the date I downloaded Danny’s memoir, 24th October 2013 as it’s quite a significant date for me.

image

The pic below is a cropped screen grab from my blogs admin page to show you the date of the first page I published and again please take note of the date it was published, 24th October 2013 as it’s quite a significant date for me.

image

It may seem odd for me to be rambling on about stuff from the past in a post entitled “Is this the way forward?” but I thought it was important to set the scene. When I looked at the crowd funding platform on Danny’s website I noticed that one of the projects was a lady called Chazz who is also UK based, for me it’s people like Chazz who are inspirational and brave because she has the guts to ask for help. Asking for help is not easy, especially in such a public way but I think it sums it up, it shows how powerful the web is with helping people’s recovery from depression and mental illness. I got Chazz’s twitter address (@Aries_Model) off Danny and sent her a message asking if I could write about her, I hope you will agree the reply is very powerful and shows how important it is that we write, talk, blog, share about our experiences of recovering from depression, mental illness and in my case alcoholism: –

image
I watched Chazz’s video, I urge you to do the same, and I thought back to how horrendously painful life was when I was waiting for some help from the NHS, how desperate I was and I know I would of gotten very close to giving up if I was told there was a 2 year waiting list for any help. You here a lot of people saying the hardest thing is asking for help and yes that is very hard, but in reality with this completely broken and not fit for purpose NHS we have the hardest thing is actually waiting for any help to arrive once you’ve just taken a horrendously painful step of asking for it.

Please take the time to read Chazz’s story and watch her video, any of you out there reading this who have experience of depression, anxiety and mental illness will know how incredibly hard it would have been for Chazz to do the video and write her story. Keep an eye out for what I think is an incredibly powerful and emotional collection of words….

“I want to feel like I have a place in this world”

I know I understand the pain behind those words and I’m pretty sure you do too.

With the appalling state of the NHS system I believe this is a way forward, we should not have to wait 2 years to get some help and although the politicians keep talking about more funding and better turn around times we all know nothing will change quickly cus let’s face it the NHS on the mental health side has been in this state for many years and just continues to get worse. I need to say that I have met some brilliant people in the NHS and when you do get treatment via the NHS it is second to none, but the way the system is setup causes a massive amount of unnecessary very dangerous pain and I also stand very firmly by my belief that I only got the treatment I did and do because I mouthed off on Twitter and made my complaint official, which in itself made me unwell.

Please take the time to check out Daniels website and watch Chazz’s video, read her story and if you can donate. If you can’t donate don’t worry but please share the story and links because this is genuinely an opportunity to help someone get there life back and help them know they do have a place in this world….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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//

Look at me

It’s been said to me before that I only created exboozehound for attention, wrong!!!! but I can understand why people thought that. I was constantly putting stuff on Face Book and Twitter on the subject of my suffering, which could quite easily seem a bit “woe is me”. I openly admit to using Face Book and Twitter as therapy and I’m definitely guilty of wanting people’s support by way of comments to help me feel better about me. Someone said to me a couple of weeks ago that they found it odd that I still keep reposting stuff about mental illness and depression now I’m a lot better and on the right track, my response to that hopefully confirms to people that I didn’t create exboozehound for attention and although this will come across a little “ooohhhh look at me I’m awesome” exboozehound was created because I wanted to make a difference. I continue to repost stuff about mental illness and depression when they make sense and strike a chord with me, because if they strike a chord with me then chances are they will strike a chord with others who are suffering.

Oof!! that does come across very “ooohhhh look at me….” but to be honest I really don’t care, people who actually know me will know it’s not about me, it’s about trying to make a difference, how ever small. There is still far too much shame and stigma around mental illness, there is still far too many people suffering in silence unable to ask for help and take it from me if you don’t ask for help eventually your noggin will explode and once that explosion has happened it’s a fucking long way back!!!!

The exboozehound blog was started just over a year ago, (my About Me page was published on the 24th October) whilst in a desperately depressed state considering suicide on a daily basis I found a memoir written by an Australian called Daniel Baker and whilst reading it I started to notice a lot of the things he had written, thought and experienced were very similar to my thoughts and experiences, it made me feel I wasn’t actually “mad” (debatable, lol) or completely on my own, I was just un well…. Reading that memoir really helped reignite my fight, the fight against mental illness completely and utterly destroying me. It then came to me that if a complete strangers words could do so much good for me that maybe my words could do the same for others. Very quickly after starting the blog I started to receive comments about how my words helped make sense of the madness in people’s noggins and how I used words to describe my pain that their loved ones had used. For me the beauty of this is that the more we talk and the more honest we are the more people will realise they are not alone, they are not weird and if there is something telling you “there’s something not quite right about me” you could very well be right but whatever it is that’s not quite right there will be people out there who can help and probably just as important it’s nothing to be ashamed of if you might be a bit different and not “normal”….

What’s “normal” anyway?

Who wants to be “normal”? Not me!!!!

Someone once said to me you seem “normal”…. I’ve never been so insulted in my life!!!!

We are all individual, life would be very dull if we were all the same and if our individualities are good, bad or ugly it doesn’t matter our individualities are what makes us who we are. It’s frowned upon to say “my mental illness is me”, but I don’t see why, for that to be a negative statement we have to believe that EVERYTHING about our mental illness ways is negative and it just isn’t!!!! There’s a lot of positive traits that mental illness has a hand in, my mental illness and probably alcoholism made me a good sales man because I was able to use my unbelievably strong manipulation skills to make sales happen, these same skills were very useful for my last job role as an account manager. Mental Illness made me think differently and do things differently and when you are different you stand out for good reasons as well as bad reasons. I used to joke a lot about being “anal” about details and things being right, for me that’s a bit of OCD that makes me strive for perfection (positive and dangerous). My mental illness fuelled noggin spent years and years telling me I was a useless waste of space so I had to try harder and harder not to believe that and achieve something to prove it wasn’t right and after all that exhausting effort unfortunately I never actually achieved anything….

When I say I’ve never achieved anything people tend to remind me that being a retired alcoholic is an achievement, not to drink the glorious liquid that I love so much, the liquid that made me feel amazing, that basically made me feel like a person and drowned out the shite going on in my mind, booze to me was everything, NOTHING else really mattered, if I wasn’t drinking it I was thinking about drinking it and getting to that place of complete euphoria and peace also well known as being completely and utterly shit faced!!!! Mmmmmmmmmmm, Doh!! I no longer have that option, booze can no longer be my saviour, booze can no longer be my place of freedom and hasn’t been for over 11 years, I still miss it but I know I cannot control booze it controls me. So is giving up the booze a real achievement, I guess now it is, it has some meaning because being a soba alcoholic is another huge part of what I am…. So in conclusion I am basically made up of 2 horrible, horrendous, appalling illnesses that can and do kill on a regular basis, being alive and being me (whoever that is) is an achievement in itself…. More often than not things in my life a pretty good, I don’t have an awful lot of stress as I have pretty much no responsibilities these days, I’m on a good track, I’m on a level and I’m fairly stable….

Mind you to achieve that good track, levelness and stability I have to take 300mgs of medication a day…. Who gives a fuck, I’d stand in a bucket of custard, naked and painted pink if it kept me away from the place I was a year ago…. (Obvs I would only do this in the summer when it’s a bit warmer….)

No matter how horrendous life gets it can and WILL get better if you are honest with yourself and those around you, ask for help, demand help, be patient cus help doesn’t tend to come very quickly, keep using that help, and keep being honest and open about the you that is you and not the you you think you should be. We are all individuals and being that individual honestly is very very important cus if you keep wasting energy covering up and hiding what is making you individual you will never make any progress in life and not just conventional life but deep down real life….

So, back to the title “Look at me”….

Attention seeking for me is definitely not what exboozehound is about, getting attention for the subjects of mental illness and alcoholism is what it’s about, both of these illnesses cause an horrendous amount of pain to many many more people than we would ever believe. They are illnesses just like any physical illness some people have them and some people don’t.

It’s starting to feel like exboozehound is starting to achieving something, ONE person can make a difference. But even though exboozehound was started and created by just one person exboozehound isn’t just one person, exboozehound is you and anyone else that has ever read any of the nonsense I write, exboozehound is anyone who’s had the courage to leave a comment on my blog, exboozehound is anyone who has favourited, retweeted or replied to anything I’ve ever tweeted on Twitter, exboozehound is anyone who has liked, shared or commented on anything I’ve ever posted on Face Book, exboozehound is anyone who has purchased and read my book erm memoir erm Thingymajig on Amazon (still available at a relatively reasonable price, and has a couple of five star reviews….)

I’m proud of what exboozehound is starting to achieve, I am proud of what ALL of you have done to help that progress and this week that progress includes….

Monday – met with someone with things that are troubling in their life and shared my experiences, beliefs and theories on how to deal with there troubles.

Wednesday – attended a meeting run by Dudley Council to discuss Adult Social Care and agreed to join a “people’s network” to put my money where my mouth is and invest time in building that network to benefit all that need help for whatever reason.watch full movie Aardvark onlinefilm Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets 2002 trailer

Thursday – met with Governance International, discussed and agreed for me to get involved in their work bringing people together to work towards improving mental health care. I came away with a remit of organising a co-production meeting hosted in Dudley, to invite various people and organisations I have had contact with during my recovery.

And throughout the week I have had various messages telling me that what exboozehound does has a positive effect on their lives…. Wow!!!!

Yes this IS all a bit “look at me” but it’s also “look at you” cus exboozehound wouldn’t be doing what it was without your support and input….

YOU’RE ALL FUCKING AMAZING AND I HOPE YOU ARE AS PROUD AS I AM!!!!

Watch this space, exboozehound is going places, jump on board now while there’s still room….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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//

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

WARNING THIS WILL BE CONFUSING

It is 00:26 10/4/2014 and I have an urge to write something, as it is 00:26 and a new day has just begun it gives me the perfect opportunity to insert this….
today tomorrow
Believe me what you have just read may make no sense what so ever but you aint seen nothing yet!!!!

I don’t know if I’ve done a post before with the same title as this, I could check but I cant be arsed. Does it matter? Nope it’s insignificant in the scale of things….

Before I continue you need to know that I am currently of sound mind, possibly a little manic. Not for the first time recently someone has said to me tonight “it’s like you are on speed”….

Over the last few days I have had awesome times and I have had horrendous times, I’m not gunna explain that statement in too much detail but I will give a rough guide….

Horrendous times:-

  • Yesterday specifically between 11:00am and 12:00pm I had an HORRENDOUS time and during this time I said out loud to a relative stranger “I’m tired of it all” and blubbed like a baby, they caught me off guard and said just a few words, I cant even remember what they were but with those few words they unpicked the web I have spun around myself and “done me up good and proper” (wrong words but these are the words that went through my noggin). Nope I aint giving any further explanation at this point, soz.
  • There have been other horrendous times in the last couple of days but these have all been of my own making and involved no-one else so they are staying locked away.

Awesome Times:-

  • Yesterday specifically between 11:00am and 12:00pm I had an AWESOME time and during this time I said out loud to a relative stranger “I’m tired of it all” and blubbed like a baby, they caught me off guard and said just a few words, I cant even remember what they were but with those few words they unpicked the web I have spun around myself and “done me up good and proper” (wrong words but these are the words that went through my noggin). Nope I aint giving any further explanation at this point, soz. (If you are paying attention you may have noticed you have read those words fairly recently, I will give further explanation shortly.)
  • Tuesday Night
  • Wednesday Morning
  • Last Night
  • Now

I don’t think this is going to be quite as confusing as I was thinking cus all the stuff I had in my noggin has just dissapeared, DOH!!

However I will explain what I guess you are struggling with in the way of one of those spot the difference games….

How many differences are there between the words in Red and the words in Blue?: –

Horrendous times:-

  • Yesterday specifically between 11:00am and 12:00pm I had an HORRENDOUS time and during this time I said out loud to a relative stranger “I’m tired of it all” and blubbed like a baby, they caught me off guard and said just a few words, I cant even remember what they were but with those few words they unpicked the web I have spun around myself and “done me up good and proper” (wrong words but these are the words that went through my noggin). Nope I aint giving any further explanation at this point, soz.

Men likt Cialis Generisk så sitter effekten inte i länge än upp till 4-5 timmar eller utvärderade vi effekten av potenspiller började svenskar började även Vardenafil apotek på nätet Kamagra är aktiva sedan år 2003. Billigt alternativ till de ursprungliga viagratabletterna som funnits på marknaden sedan länge.

Awesome Times:-

  • Yesterday specifically between 11:00am and 12:00pm I had an AWESOME time and during this time I said out loud to a relative stranger “I’m tired of it all” and blubbed like a baby, they caught me off guard and said just a few words, I cant even remember what they were but with those few words they unpicked the web I have spun around myself and “done me up good and proper” (wrong words but these are the words that went through my noggin). Nope I aint giving any further explanation at this point, soz.

I’ll give you a few seconds to ponder the differences….

How many differences did you spot?

Some will have spotted 2….

Some will have spotted 3….

But those who did spot 2 or 3 are in fact wrong….

(WTF is this numpty on about??)

There are actually no differences.

(This numpty is bonkers!!)

Would you like me to explain?

Sorry but i’m not gunna explain…. 🙂 🙁

I did say at the start this was going to be confusing….

Keep Smiling 🙂

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




Today I fell apart a bit….

These things don’t generally happen all of a sudden, there’s usually a recognisable build up and this time it was no different. I knew it was coming and I tried hard not to fight it, that might sound a little odd, surely yoku should fight it all the time?

The way I see it these days….

Is there really a point in wasting loads of energy fighting the inevitable? Yes that probably sounds really negative, but it’s not it’s realistic and for me it’s the way it has to be at the moment.

If I’d spent loads of energy fighting against the dip that was coming I would be more tired when the dip arrived, today has been a really negative day, I got up and felt pretty shite, I decided I would go and have 30 minutes on the squash court to try and spark myself into action and remove the aggression boiling inside, the anger about living a pointless existence having achieved absolutely nothing in life (bear with me I was feeling sorry for myself). I did 30 minutes on the squash court broken up with sets of push-ups and for a split second I started feeling a bit better about the day ahead…. And then all of a sudden the madness began, I was sat at the front wall of the court and all I wanted to do was shout and cry, there was a guy cleaning on the balcony of the squash court and in my mind I felt myself thinking “he’s laughing at me, he’s laughing at how sad it is that I’m on the squash court by myself” (told ya “the madness began” bloody nutter!!).

I left the squash court and this guy was standing at the reception talking and laughing with some colleagues, of course “they were laughing at me”…… I just wanted to get home (not that I have my own home, cus I’m a useless waste of a human being), I needed to get myself something to eat so went into Asda and immediately felt the pressure, everyone in there knew I was mentally ill and we’re moving out of my way. I got to the tobacco till, there was a queue and in the queue was a guy I went to school with, we spoke but I felt really rude cus I really didn’t want to get involved in the conversation. One of my mates wives was there with their two kids and I just kept looking the other way cus I didn’t want to get involved in another possible conversation. I got to the front of the queue and asked for my backy of choice (the cheap one cus I’m a loser and I no longer work), I thought the lady who served me was looking at me with concerned eyes.

When I walked out of Asda my mates wife and kids were there so I looked the other way, I couldn’t get into the lift cus I didn’t want to be in the enclosed space and what if she got in the lift as well, I’d have to make conversation and I didn’t want her to see me looking all possessed with madness… I took the stairs and the closer I got to the floor I needed the more I just wanted to cry, my noggin was now buzzing and throbbing and I felt like I was gunna explode…..

I got to my car (a knackered piece of shit of a car, cus that’s all I can afford as I’m a waste of space who hasn’t worked for more than a year since my mental breakdown (sign of weakness!!!) in June 2013) and as soon as I was safely in the car the tears started, I wasn’t blubbing like a baby it just felt like a release of pressure.

I drove back to my Dads, still with tears in my eyes, I paced backwards and forwards in the kitchen struggling to work out how to open and dish up the salad I had bought for lunch. I went upstairs to eat my lunch and have some meds to help me relax and was back in bed for 12pm, crying and stressing about how pathetic I was and what a pointless existence I have lived having reached the age of 41 and having absolutely nothing to show for those 41 years….

I got out of bed at about half five, had some tea that my Dad had cooked me, rolled some fags and then started writing this. I currently feel numb and a bit weird having just written out all of the shite above, knowing it’s all completely true and at the same time a complete load of BOLLOX. I know people weren’t laughing at me and moving out of my way, I know I’m not a waste of a human life but sometimes my badly wired up noggin just decides to short circuit and give me a hard time.

Tomorrow is another day, I will hopefully have some energy to deal with tomorrow because I haven’t wasted all my energy fighting the inevitable, I’ve just accepted that from time to time I lose the plot a little bit, I can’t cope with “normal” situations and currently my future looks pretty bleak.

What have I got to look forward to?

Well, probably the same as every other single person whether they are mentalists or normals, some good times, some bad times and in order to make the most of what my future holds I will deal with each day one day at a time, today’s shite has no bearing on yesterday or tomorrow, tomorrow is another day….

“It is what it is”

“Shit happens”

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Theres no real point to this post, I hope some people will identify with some of the mad stuff I have written above and know there’s nothing wrong with being a bit of a nut job, it’s just the way it is sometimes there doesn’t have to be a reason, there probably isn’t a why, it’s just one of those things and because I accept this madness can happen at times I can survive it and bounce back….Logan movie trailer

“There ain’t nothing I/WE can’t handle…. Eventually!!!!”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)


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The Unseen, Unheard Deadly Illness

Hi, I’m very proud to be able to publish this new Guest Post, it’s written by an American young lady called Anya. Anya wrote this essay for an English assignment at school, she is 16 and I know by the time you have finished reading what she has written you will agree with me that she is amazing!!!!

The Unseen, Unheard Deadly Illness

Throughout my life mental illness has played a very large role. I believe that depression runs in my genes, and it will always be a part of my life. Certain situations have provoked my depression and brought it to the surface. Elementary school was the first time I truly felt depressed. Feeling depressed was a unique and unwanted feeling that I knew was unnatural. All of the kids were able to converse and they were happy, while I stood there not knowing what to do. I speak of this not to get pity or sympathy but to demonstrate how mental illnesses can change lives at any age and to anyone. As I grew up, I discovered that I wasn’t the same as other kids. It took longer for me to understand ideas, and learn the material that was taught in school. My mother brought to my attention that my birth mother was an alcoholic and I have alcoholism in my genes. The alcoholism created a small but noticeable learning disability. She told me I need to be careful with alcohol and other substances because of my addictive personality. This shaped how I viewed the world and myself. Throughout high school my depression became more of an issue, I told my friends but they were also struggling so no one voiced the need for intervention. Mental illnesses are much more common than we all would like to think. While continuing to struggle with depression, I went to a concert that helped me reach out for help. Demi Lovato talked about her own struggles and how important it is to reach out for help when dealing with mental illnesses. It doesn’t make you weak, but strong to be able to say “I need help”. Just by giving a three minute speech she changed my life. The next couple of months were very scary. Luckily, I reached out for help and I am currently getting the help I need. Sadly, this is something that so many people are afraid to speak out about. I didn’t say anything for about 4-5 years because of the fear of judgement from my friends and family. I didn’t want to be looked at as attention seeking or weak. I still am quiet about this because I feel that there are good things in life and those are the things that should be talked about, not the depressing things. I know that I want to change lives and although hard to understand, I have a purpose and I can make a positive impact on this world. Mental illnesses effect so many, and we can all play a role to change the destiny of how this illness will effect so many. Watch Consumed (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

My story is one of millions from people who have struggled with a mental illness. Mental illness is defined as a medical condition that disrupts a person’s thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning. Serious mental illnesses include major depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and borderline personality disorder (NAMI). Mental illnesses do not discriminate; they can effect someone of any race, gender, and age. Sharing the important message like Demi shares at her concerts is important to demonstrate to others that mental illnesses are illnesses and the effect they can have on a daily basis. Some of our nations greatest leaders, inventors, and doers are struggling with mental illnesses. One of the nations greatest leaders, Abraham Lincoln struggled with depression. He successfully put an end to slavery but he was still a slave to his own thoughts of suicide. With the sudden passing of Robin Williams, it shows how such a successful, highly productive man can be struggling so much. Others such as Beethoven, Isaac Newton, J.K. Rowling, Health Ledger and Kurt Cobain also struggled with various mental illnesses. With so many struggling, where is the public interest on this issue? Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the United States, and the second leading cause of death for young people, between the ages of 15-24 (NAMI). Enough people have died to demonstrate that this is a deadly issue.

Mental illnesses have a tremendous impact on our society and our economy but very little is being done to stop this issue. With suicide killing roughly 40,000 people a year, the money raised for suicide awareness averages around $3.2 million. (CDC). Compared to Breast cancer, which kills roughly 41,000 people where as they raise about $257.85 million. We need to increase our investment in mental health significantly and we need to do it now. In 6 years depression will be the leading debilitating disease for women and children. Raising awareness about mental illnesses through education advocacy can set back this growing concern. Research shows the cost for mental illness prevention is greatly less than the cost of mental health treatment. Mental illnesses have cost the US economy roughly $148 Billion for all mental disorders (15). We have the ability to stop this issue by speaking up and talking about it, so let’s talk.

All mental illnesses, even the most severe cases, can be effectively treated. The earlier the treatment begins, the more effective it is. Most people diagnosed will experience relief after getting help. Folks with a mental illness report that a combination of treatments, services, and supports works best to support their recovery (NAMI.com). Treatments for medical illnesses
include medications, support groups, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and meeting with mental health professionals on a weekly/monthly basis. Medication is not an exact science, it can take weeks or even months to find the right medication/medications. Mental illnesses effect everyone differently therefore the approach for treatment can be different. Without treatment the consequences of mental illnesses are staggering. Unnecessary disability, unemployment, substance abuse, homelessness, and suicide can occur without proper help. Mood disorders, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, and personality disorders are known to overlap with drug or alcohol addiction (dualdiagnosis.org). Stopping the issue before it gets to that point is essential to reduce the risk of further issues.

Having a support group can help with the success of the mentally ill’s recovery. Some feel as though they cannot help their family member or friend who is struggling with a mental illness but that is inaccurate. Family and friends can be important influences to help someone, with both the treatment and services they need. Family and friends can be the ones to reach out and know that they are not alone. Family and friends can help them access mental health services and treatment. Family and friends can help learn and share the facts about mental health. Family and friends can most importantly refuse to define them by their diagnosis, or using the terms such as “crazy”. Friends and family play a very important role in the whole recovery process.

Depression is not selfish, anxiety is not rude, schizophrenia is not wrong. Mental illness isn’t self centered any more than a broken leg or the flu is self centered. Mental illness is a problem and its time to open our eyes and make a change. Prevention for mental illness cost us much less than treatment for mental illness. We need to speak up against the norm of this issue.
Our children’s health is in our hands, and we need to stop this. The care and treatment for mental illnesses is evolving to help meet the needs of the mentally ill. Doctors, social workers, and therapists are learning more of how to lead their clients to a successful recovery. Now it’s our time to play our role and advocate for the millions that are struggling on a daily basis.

In conclusion, mental illnesses are on the rise, but there are affirmative actions we can take to slow this problem down. It is a difficult and frightening topic to discuss but 100% necessary. Research shows that there is an extremely high success rate in recovery once you reach out for help. We must all open our eyes to the ones around us and lend a helping hand. The mentally ill are not crazy, insane, or hopeless. I have experienced mental illness first hand, and I can personally tell you they change your life. There are many good positive life lessons I have learned from struggling with depression. Some which are simple and easy to understand such as “ it is what it is”, I was born this way and I deal with the hand I’ve got. Others which are more complicated to understand which is “why me?”, but in the end it all evens out. There is good in the bad and bad in the good, thats how life works.

Sources

National Institutes of Health, National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Statistics: Any Disorder Among Adults. From http://www.nimh.nih.gov/statistics/1ANYDIS_ADULT.shtml

National Institutes of Health, National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.) The Numbers Count: Mental Disorders in America. From http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml

Prevalence numbers were calculated using NIMH percentages (cited) and 2010 Census data. Census data is available at: United States Census Bureau. (revised 2011). “USA [State & County QuickFacts].” From http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/00000.html

Stuart H (June 2003). “Violence and mental illness: an overview”. World Psychiatry

Mental Health Disorders

http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/adolescent-health-topics/mental-health/states/oh.html#.VCq85r4-A6U

WHO-CHOICE (2003). (Page 15) Cost-effectiveness of interventions for reducing the burden of mental disorders: A global analysis (WHO-CHOICE). GPE Discussion Paper (prepared by Chisholm D), Geneva, World Health Organization

NAMI http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness

NAMI- http://www.nami.org/factsheets/mentalillness_factsheet.pdf

I don’t want to follow that with any of my own nonsense, all I want to say is….

Anya, you are amazing, you say I have helped you a lot, but you need to know you have helped me a massive amount with your kind comments, you have confirmed to me that there is a point to me and exboozehound. You will go on to help others, and this essay is just the start for you xx

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Someone said to me….

Sometimes our eyes see things that aren’t real, we make judgements based on a quick glance, those judgements can be spot on but they can also be way off. Life isn’t an exact science and really we shouldn’t make judgements about people if we don’t know the full story, but do we ever know the full story even of those people we are really close to? I think the answer to that is NO, we are all here to get on with our lives and make the most of it but most of us, I think, do and say things to fit in with what’s expected of us in “normal” life….

I have a feeling this post ain’t gunna make any sense…. Hey Ho, it is what it is, life doesn’t make any sense…. When I asked a couple of people to read my book (lol), memoir (cringe), Thingymajig (that’s better) they said it was very hard to read at times and seemed to jump back and forth, I took this as a compliment cus that’s the way my noggin works, it’s probably the way your noggin works as well wether you are a “normal” or a “mentalist” the only difference being us mentalists seem to pay more attention to the perceived weirdness going on in our noggins and you normals just seem to take in your stride and accept things…. Hold up, I have a feeling I’ve just made a judgement based on no evidence at all….

Why did I start this post?

Someone said to me the other day “you have a relaxing life just wondering about in the sun”, now this is just a comment, it probably isn’t a judgement it’s just words, we laughed about it and I replied “it’s one of the benefits of being a documented mentalist….”. You see I haven’t been at work, since June 2013 and over the last few months we’ve had fairly good weather, so I do “wonder about in the sun” I’m sure it looks very relaxing, I’ve got a decent sun tan (although it’s fading now 🙁 ) and 99% of the time I’m wearing shorts, tshirt and sunglasses (I’ve got sensitive eyes…) and it is fairly relaxing…. However it’s not all that it seems, cus a lot of the time I’m wondering about in the sun as a sort of coping mechanism. Being out of work I’m broke, the benefits I receive amount to next to nothing, as soon as I get them they are spent, gobbled up by my overdraft so I haven’t got spare cash to go off and do exciting things, I haven’t got the cash to put diesel in my knackered old Y reg Astra, don’t get me wrong I’m not saying this to get sympathy, I don’t need anyone’s sympathy I’m just telling you the facts. I spend a considerable amount of time wondering about a bit and drinking tea in a boozer. Wondering about a bit stops me festering at home (which ain’t my own home) and drinking tea in a boozer gives me people to talk to. A lot of these people I’ve only just got to know, most of them know I’m a mentalist alcoholic (retired) and a couple of them call me “Earl Grey” cus I drink it, not cus I’m posh, I ay posh!!!!

Are you bored of this post, I’m getting that way….

I’ve gone on a bit with some background stuff, there is something I really wanted to say with this post but I’m just not sure how to say it, so I think I’ll just waffle on for a bit and see if you can work it out….

Here’s a small list of things people have said to me lately….Watch All Girls Weekend (2016) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

“you have a relaxing life just wondering about in the sun”
on the surface this is very true, but I’ve spent over 20 years fighting against mental illness and alcoholism trying to hide it and get on with “normal life” which lead to me having a mental breakdown in June 2013. In June 2013 I was very unrelaxed, sitting on my bed rocking backwards and forward, shaking, sweating, believing my life was over and the best thing I could do now is strap on a pair and end my life….

“I like Jon he’s really calm”
all of the above again…. I am calm most of the time, but if I’m not calm I’m shut away at home (not my own home) struggling to control the thoughts in my head and sometimes my physical reactions. I’m calm these days cus I’ve got to know me and I’m 100% honest with myself and those around me. Part of my calmness is down to what I have learnt from people via this blog and speaking with people about how they cope or how they don’t cope and if I’m honest, which is am, Mindfulness has helped a lot. I’m fine as long as I put effort into staying in the day, and thinking as little as possible….

“You’re a good listener as well”
Although I do tend to talk a lot, I do spend an awful amount of time listening. The lady that said this to me (via Twitter) is a lady called Julie Christie (@juliechristie1) I was fortunate enough to meet Julie at a meeting a few months ago at Aston University, she spoke about her work with dementia and if I had to describe her with one word it would be “inspiring”…. During this meeting I did my usual thing of being very vocal and I was very pleased to see that by the time I got home Julie was following me on Twitter, I’m hoping to catch up with her later in the year and learn from her approach. For me being a good listener is important, we may not agree with everything others say but we can learn from them and get a better understanding of how things work….

“We have 2 ears and one mouth which is a good ratio we should stick to”

“There’s something about you that draws people to you”
I think that’s purely my honesty and openness, I see my mental breakdown last year as a positive thing, it forced me to have a long hard look at myself to try to understand why I am where I am. I think one of the things I have been doing since June 2013 is “finding myself” poncy words, yes, but I don’t have a choice cus I’ve spent so long lying to everyone around me and lying to myself that I don’t really know who I am. I’ve spent so long suppressing feelings that I don’t really understand feelings. I’ve spent so long hating who I am not actually knowing who I am and why I hate me. I’ve spent so long living with Jon and “Jon” I’m a little fucked up. I used to get confused by the fact that people seemed to like me, I still am, were people really liking the “front” I created to enable me to get on with life and be bloody good at my job? Everyone at some point has to put a front on to get through certain days and situations, not swearing like a trooper in front of your Nan is basically putting a front on, I still have to front things out, everybody does, but I’m starting to think the “Front” I put on is the real me, or it is, does it matter, am I over thinking again???? I hope there is something about me that draws people to me that would be awesome 🙂

“You are meant to do something good with exboozehound”
This was amazing to hear, cus I’ve thought this for a while but my noggin demon always tells me I’m being delusional and nothing good will ever come from anything I do, but if I sit back and have a little think about it, good things are starting to happen. I get messages from all over the world about how my blog helps people, I’ve had a number of guest bloggers and there are more to come, I’m getting involved with Health Watch Dudley, I’m speaking with Dudley CVS about setting up a community interest company called Zorbsagogo (it’s on Face Book), I’m talking with a local company about selling some of my photographs in the name of exboozehound to donate money to charity, I’ve wrote for a couple of websites (www.mensdepression.org and www.anxietyunited.co.uk ), I’ve wrote something that hasn’t been published yet for www.govint.org , I’m speaking with a company about setting up my own support group and counselling sessions (no I haven’t got qualifications and certificates but I’ve got quite a lot of experience!!!). So, even though my noggin demon tells me I’ll never amount to anything I know it’s wrong cus I already am amounting to something and even without the things listed above I’m having a go, I’m keeping going, I’m getting my daily wins :).

“You’ll end up on the Wright Stuff you will”
I know this was a flippant comment, but it came from me telling someone about the various things listed above, all I can say is if this comes true I would be chuffed to bits because right from the start of this blog one of the things I wanted to do was make a difference…. Show people there is nothing to be ashamed of in having a mental illness. I want to find a way of describing just how terribly desperate I was in June 2013, how I KNEW my life was over and the only answer was suicide and how I KNOW now how very wrong I was…. VERY VERY WRONG!!!! I met someone last week that works in care and they said some words that I have heard quite a few times before and from my experience I know to be true….

“the mental health side of the NHS is at crisis point, the way people are left to suffer is an absolute disgrace….”

I’ve said it many times before and I have to say it again because I am thankful to the many many amazing people who work in the mental health side of the NHS, they are truly amazing, caring, very talented people. But I will state again that the time it took to get me into the “system” very nearly killed me through absolute desperation….

“One thing you are definitely not is a loser….”
I posted this on Face Book the other day and got the above message for a friend who I’ve been speaking with about various issues through this blog….

image

I am a loser in conventional terms, no job, no house, no kids, no money, on benefits etc…. But I really don’t give a shit about conventional terms, my mental breakdown ensured I probably won’t ever live a conventional life again. I receive a lot of messages behind the scenes on how my blog, my words and the words of my guest bloggers help people with mental illness and addiction issues understand they are never alone and never will be. I’ve also received messages from people without mental illness and addiction issues saying it’s helped them understand a loved one better…. These messages help me believe I’m not a loser and keep me going on, so thank you XX.

Right I’m almost at 2000 words and I’m fairly sure I haven’t made a point in this post…. If you’ve made it this far and not fallen asleep or got extremely bored, if you can find a point to this post I’d love to know what it is so drop me a comment….

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Life

Life…. It’s a bit weird at times….Movie Underworld: Blood Wars (2016)

It was my 41st birthday a few days ago, and through all the shite of mental illness oddly I had the best birthday I have ever had, yes there were noggin buzzing moments but, and I hate to say it (I don’t really) if you “enjoy the good and ride out the bad” all will be cool 🙂

On the Saturday I met up with the lads, we were going out at half 7, fairly civilised, then I got a text from P saying L was picking him up at 18:15 and they were going for a few “cokes”…. The first thought that went through my head was “K we are 41 now not 17, lol, this is going to get messy!” And it did, but messy in a good way!!!Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)

At one point we were standing around a table, and L announced “we haven’t grown up at all in 25 years….” He was completely and utterly right, we haven’t, not one bit. It was around this time my face started to hurt from laughing and it continued to get more painful. I would love to be able to say the conversation was intelligent and thought provoking but if I did say that I would by talking out my posterior.

At other points of the evening my noggin was all over the shop, but I just went outside and had a fag or at one point I found a paper and sat down on a table by myself and read it a bit. A couple of the lads noticed I was being a bit odd and said come on Mans get here, but once they had said it once they knew I need a bit of space. Then BG said “your a photographer come and take some photos” quite a compliment in a way but I hadn’t got my camera with me and most of the lads had decent phones and you don’t need to be a photographer to take a snap with a phone. I however had only got a crappy old temporary phone cus my iPhone is…. Erm…. Not working at the moment.

Throughout the evening I had a couple of fairly grown up conversations, very short grown up conversations…. The one on politics ended with me saying “let’s face it all policitians are c*n*s, end of conversation, no point in discussing it further cus I’m right…. Come on H next boozer”. We also had a conversation about teachers but I avoided that one cus W has very strong views on teachers…. I also remember a conversation about Health & Safety, sounds grown up doesn’t it, not entirely….

We ended up in a club I guess, it had got flashing lights n stuff so yeah must of been a club? I paid £5 to get in and had to leave after about 45 minutes cus my noggin had gone. During that 45 minutes I had a heart to heart with LG, very emotional at times but also very funny and childish 🙂 .

I left just saying I was going to the other soba one and went to retrieve my car from what was basically a private car park…. It took me a while to find my car, lol, and I drove on my merry way, with my noggin buzzing in a bad way and a huge smile on my face.

My birthday was the best I have ever had for other reasons as well, other reasons that need to remain private all I will say is it involved two amazing people a birthday card and a dog 🙂 .

Right, is there a point to this post? Hold up is there a point to any of my posts? On the face of it most of the time there isn’t a point but if you think a bit you will find a point, I promise 😉 .

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

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Que, como se demostró en la función de un modelo experimental de pene, y no desea acción Cialis Genérico admitir a su acompañante en su secreto o the stream continues, broadcasting his empty chair. Diciendo que se había demostrado que mejoraban las tasas de supervivencia en 50% para una enfermedad que era incurable hasta hace poco y incluso una condicion en la que un gremial debe abordar.

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