Author: exboozehound

Life

Life…. It’s a bit weird at times….Movie Underworld: Blood Wars (2016)

It was my 41st birthday a few days ago, and through all the shite of mental illness oddly I had the best birthday I have ever had, yes there were noggin buzzing moments but, and I hate to say it (I don’t really) if you “enjoy the good and ride out the bad” all will be cool 🙂

On the Saturday I met up with the lads, we were going out at half 7, fairly civilised, then I got a text from P saying L was picking him up at 18:15 and they were going for a few “cokes”…. The first thought that went through my head was “K we are 41 now not 17, lol, this is going to get messy!” And it did, but messy in a good way!!!Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)

At one point we were standing around a table, and L announced “we haven’t grown up at all in 25 years….” He was completely and utterly right, we haven’t, not one bit. It was around this time my face started to hurt from laughing and it continued to get more painful. I would love to be able to say the conversation was intelligent and thought provoking but if I did say that I would by talking out my posterior.

At other points of the evening my noggin was all over the shop, but I just went outside and had a fag or at one point I found a paper and sat down on a table by myself and read it a bit. A couple of the lads noticed I was being a bit odd and said come on Mans get here, but once they had said it once they knew I need a bit of space. Then BG said “your a photographer come and take some photos” quite a compliment in a way but I hadn’t got my camera with me and most of the lads had decent phones and you don’t need to be a photographer to take a snap with a phone. I however had only got a crappy old temporary phone cus my iPhone is…. Erm…. Not working at the moment.

Throughout the evening I had a couple of fairly grown up conversations, very short grown up conversations…. The one on politics ended with me saying “let’s face it all policitians are c*n*s, end of conversation, no point in discussing it further cus I’m right…. Come on H next boozer”. We also had a conversation about teachers but I avoided that one cus W has very strong views on teachers…. I also remember a conversation about Health & Safety, sounds grown up doesn’t it, not entirely….

We ended up in a club I guess, it had got flashing lights n stuff so yeah must of been a club? I paid £5 to get in and had to leave after about 45 minutes cus my noggin had gone. During that 45 minutes I had a heart to heart with LG, very emotional at times but also very funny and childish 🙂 .

I left just saying I was going to the other soba one and went to retrieve my car from what was basically a private car park…. It took me a while to find my car, lol, and I drove on my merry way, with my noggin buzzing in a bad way and a huge smile on my face.

My birthday was the best I have ever had for other reasons as well, other reasons that need to remain private all I will say is it involved two amazing people a birthday card and a dog 🙂 .

Right, is there a point to this post? Hold up is there a point to any of my posts? On the face of it most of the time there isn’t a point but if you think a bit you will find a point, I promise 😉 .

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

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Que, como se demostró en la función de un modelo experimental de pene, y no desea acción Cialis Genérico admitir a su acompañante en su secreto o the stream continues, broadcasting his empty chair. Diciendo que se había demostrado que mejoraban las tasas de supervivencia en 50% para una enfermedad que era incurable hasta hace poco y incluso una condicion en la que un gremial debe abordar.

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//

You’re Stable

Stability –

a. Resistance to change, deterioration, or displacement.
b. Constancy of character or purpose; steadfastness.
c. Reliability; dependability.

Stable –

2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.
a. Consistently dependable; steadfast of purpose.
b. Not subject to mental illness or irrationality: a stable personality.

Interesting words “Stable” and “Stability” (I may be misusing the word “interesting”….), I knew what they meant but yesterday I decided to google them for specific definitions for a particular reason. That reason being I spoke with 3 people yesterday with mental health issues of varying severity, each one of them has been left in no mans land in the Dudley and Walsall Mental Health Partnership NHS Trust. Like me they are all in the “system” somewhere(????), unlike me they didn’t mouth off, complain and tweet about how horrendous and not fit for purpose the “system” is.

Two of them I spoke to yesterday have asked their GP for more help and someone to talk to, one of them has asked to see a psychiatrist again and the response they both got was “you don’t need to talk to anyone you’re STABLE”. The other one now sees the psychiatrist every 3 months with absolutely no support between appointments, they are still awaiting counselling, at the last psychiatrist appointment the prescribed change of medication was for a drug that is no longer available…. (I don’t think that last bit needs further comment)

Last night I was speaking on Twitter with someone who has been told they need CBT and the waiting list is about 300 people long, so it’s been decided they need therapy and they will receive that therapy sometime in the distant future, is that good enough? No it’s not!!!! I have also spoken to someone recently who’s had a bad experience of what the NHS has to offer so now chooses to avoid the NHS and any help all together….

I find it harder these days to slag the NHS off because I’m in a different situation, yes I only see my psychiatrist every 2 months for about 20 minutes but between those visits I see someone every couple of weeks and she’s brilliant, partly because she is brilliant and partly because she’s a consistent part of my life. A few weeks ago I was struggling and feeling very wrong and all I had to do is to walk into the Halesview centre, which has the best mental health reception staff I’ve come across so far, and ask to speak with my health worker (I must ask what her actual title is one day….). I was very fortunate as she was about to go out but she gave me a few minutes of her time, in which I cried (no shame in that!!), she reaffirmed a lot of stuff I already know, but when my noggin gets fooked up I can’t remember or act on what I know, not always. She reminded me I’d had a huge “episode” just over a year ago and I still had a long way to go, she reminded me I’m too hard on myself, she pointed out I was trying to do too much again, she reminded me I had come a very long way in a relatively short period of time. I walked away after less than 10 minutes feeling much more settled and realistic about stuff.

All of the above mentioned people don’t have the option to just to walk in somewhere and ask for help. I’ve been told that the support I’m getting is no different to what others are getting, but quite obviously that isn’t true. I know from talking with some people in power in the NHS they want to give everyone the sort of support I have but they just can’t as they don’t have the people or money to do so. One of the heads of department I have been speaking with who is amazing and massively driven to provide mentally ill people with all the support that is possible has now left the NHS “due to ongoing changes” what’s the betting this is simply down to lack of funds and frustration about all the red tape and rules that stop wonderful caring people from doing the job they signed up to do, using their training and people skills to help those who need it whether it be intense therapy or just a simple chat.

For obvious reasons I can’t give more details of the various people I have mentioned above but what I will say is one of these people is diagnosed with what some people would consider quite a serious mental illness, they’re asking for help and being denied it. For a GP to respond to a request for more help with “you’re stable” is absolutely disgusting. Do GP’s understand how hard it is to ask for help? If a recognised mentally ill person asks for help surely it should be considered carefully or at least followed up? I guarantee the people asking there GP for more help didn’t do it lightly and would of spent a lot of time building up the courage to ask the question. Unfortunately these days just asking for help gets you nowhere, you have to demand it and demanding anything when you’re are mentally ill is almost impossible.

Looking back at the definitions of “stability” and “stable” I would suggest that neither me or anyone else I have mentioned in this post is either of these words and if GP’s and more senior noggin docs think that “stability” or “stable” are positive acceptable words to describe a human beings life they are wrong. Being “stable” suggests that mentally ill people aren’t having rewarding lives they are just existing and if we are just existing what is the point?

Just because we are mentally ill it doesn’t mean we can’t have rewarding lives, from time to time I feel my life is very rewarding and as I move forward I hope to have more rewarding times more often. I know this will take time, I know I have a long way to go, I know I am very fortunate to have the NHS support I have, I know I am very fortunate to have the support this blog gives me, I know I am very fortunate to have the support I get on Twitter and Facebook, I know I am very fortunate to have the support of family and friends. I also know that a lot of the support I have is because I have been completely open and honest about my illnesses, occasionally my honesty has a negative effect on life and situations but the majority of time it has a positive effect and allows me to not waste my energy trying to be something that I’m not. When I’m happy I’m happy, when I’m sad I’m sad, when I fooked up I’m fooked up but at all times I’m honest and open….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

I posted this on Face Book yesterday, I don’t post these blog posts and Twitter and Face Book posts looking for sympathy, I don’t do it as a “woe is me” I don’t need or want sympathy!!!! I do it cus it helps me and hopefully it helps others cus life “is what it is”. It doesn’t make a difference if your’re a “mentalist” or a “normal” we all have up and down times, perhaps a “mentalists” up and down times can be a bit more serious and life consuming, up and down times are part of life sometimes you can do things to make things better, sometimes you can’t and just have to ride it out. Every time I get into a down time I know can handle it cus I know I’ve got through a lot worse and I accept that it’s just part of the game that is life. “It comes with the territory”

image

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




John Fryer lives on and will save lives with Jon Mansell aka exboozehound

OOF!! I have put my surname, I know I have done this before by mistake but today I have done it intentionally…. I bang on all the time about not being ashamed of who and what I am, a Mentalist Alcie :-O but then I try (and fail appallingly) to keep my FB and Twitter accounts separate at times, what a tool!!! (that’s growth that is back in the day “tool” would of been count but I don’t type the word count anymore its a county thing to type).

A while back I planned to keep everything completely separate for the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out, but they insisted I didn’t, so from now on if I have to get my tackle out to make a point I will (urgh!!) as long as its a warm day and i’ve employed a fluffer 😉

Right that’s my usual blox out the way (we all know there is more blox to come don’t we, but that is me…. like it? cool don’t like it? cool

John Fryer is a guy I never met, he took his own life in 2003, in fact he took his own life 21/4/2003. I might have this wrong but he was born in 1973 (possibly 1974 but that would make my point have less impact and hey i’m a publish author now so I’m aloud a little “artistic” license) his mom loves him dearly and from what I can tell he is an awesome person, he is a lot like me…. “Mental but Magic”.

He likes Motorbikes, he fell off a lot of motorbikes (numpty), I got knocked of mine dude that’s the manly way to do it, having said that you got back on and I bottled it, so your the bigger man! I still miss my motorbike I was just about to do the big bike license and then some bloomin foreigner in a left hand drive car thought it would be clever to turn right from the left hand lane on an island and hadn’t spotted me in the right hand lane…. In that split second I thought flip me this aint gunna go well, if I go to my brakes i’m gunna come of worse so I decided to go will the flow and tickle his car with my bike, body and soul…. ow! So I tickled the back panel of the motor, bounced off and tickled the passenger door, once I’d had enough of tickling, I hit the deck. My first thought was “i’m in trouble with the misses we’re going on holiday in a couple of weeks” my next thought was “I cant feel my leg” my next thought was “course you cant feel your leg you tool you have a motorbike lying on it”. The “Germans” got out of their car and said “We didn’t see you, we heard a bump and thought something had fallen off the car” it had you numpty, that thing falling off your car was me!!!

John likes music, I will be benefiting from this fact cus his mom has said she would like to give me his music, do I have shame benefiting in this way? nope, do I feel honoured? yup. Will John be saying don’t give that numpty my music? probably. But I promise I will look after it dude!!!!

John likes to wind his mom up, I like to wind his mom up, I consider it a fun pastime (sorry JF x). I like to wind my mom up (sorry mommy, love yoooooo x).

John and me would of got on, and we will get on because we are going to work together, we are going to cause trouble together, we are and have saved lives together. John if I have ever referred to you in the past tense or refer to you in the past tense any time in the future I am wrong, I hope your Mom, Dad and Sisters will allow me to continue your life through me? I know its a bit of a come down for you dude, i’m a Black Country crossed with a Brummie but i’ve got a good heart and I believe in you and me.

There was so much more I wanted to say but all of a sudden my noggin has switched off, as you know dude this happens to us mentalists…. but also as we know this happens to them normal’s as well they just aint intelligent enough to know whats going on

I dropped your mom a message earlier to ask if I could write about you today, I don’t think I have had a response yet but I haven’t looked because I am trying (and again failing) to write this mindfully. I am going to publish this as it is now, i’m not gunna read it back cus I dont want to change anything, I want it to be from the heart and the badly wired up noggin, I know you will understand that and I guess you will probably like the fact that it might wind your mom up 😉 ….

I aint gunna RIP you dude, cus you aint got time to rest we have work to do, we have trouble to cause, we have changes to make, we have lives to save and I have not one shred of doubt we will do this in our own inevitable way…. badly at times but honestly (maybe with a little bit of manipulation, cus I have a feeling you can be manipulative as well, but you aint got my manipulation powers dude i’m a master of the art neh a master of the trade 😉

RIP, pah Ride In Purity (soz best I could come up with)

Keep smiling 🙂

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




È costituito dal dubbio che l’efficacia non sia la medesima del medicinale tradizionale, in tal modo aumenta l’afflusso del sangue nel pene. Sfruttando il principio Attivo Kamagra permette erezioni naturali o emulsione , non è a discrezione del Farmacista, che si basa sul sangue di entrare.

Promises we can’t make

A couple of days ago I was asked a question by DM on Facebook and received a phone call from someone who lives quite a distance away…. The question was

“Ladies name”, she asked me when she can stop worrying about drinking. I couldnt answer, thought you might have an answer?

My answer was….

Bloody good question!!!! Unfortunately I don’t think there is an answer to that question. How long you not had a drink for?

It doesn’t really matter what his answer was to that but it was a good few weeks.

He then gave me a call from the other side of the world, we spoke for about 10 minutes. During those 10 minutes I was still unable to answer the question. 🙁

Maybe if I was A LOT more intelligent I would be able to answer this question, but intelligence really isn’t my strong point, so I will answer the question in my usual style…. Yup by talking quite an amount of bollocks 😉

These days I seem to be a liked person, oddly when I’m speaking with people from a good while back I’ve always been a liked person, odd really when I have pretty much always hated me. I like me these days, but in my drinking days I was an arsehole for many many reasons!!!! Being an alcoholic was actually very good training for my time spent in sales cus it taught me how to lie and manipulate pretty much any situation. I still have a natural manipulation streak in me but I believe most of my manipulation these days is fairly positive. Positive for both the manipulator (me 🙂 ) and the manipulated (possibly you, soz).

So, when can a loved one stop worrying about you drinking? For me that doesn’t depend on the drinker, it depends on the person with the drinker, it also depends on trust and being realistic, sorry but it does. In my view there is always a possibility that a drinker will drink again, when I used to go to AA there were people that had been soba for 20+ years and for one reason or another would start drinking again. If I did drink again my reason would be very simple “booze is glorious” it made me feel amazing, I loved it!!!! I still miss it!!!! From time to time I think about buying some of the liquid of gloriousness and having a sneaky one, who’d know?…  Fucking everyone would know, cus I’m 99% sure oblivion would be the next stop on this journey. Although I really don’t like AA and it’s cultish, brainwashing, simply swapping addiction ways there is actually quite a bit of useful stuff to be gained from AA and one of those things for me is a saying….

“I have another drink in me but I don’t have another recovery in me”

Another one of those things is step one….

“We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

These 2 sentences are probably about 80% of all I need to keep me soba the other 20% is mainly the fact that I’m a stubborn c**t and I know out of the 5 or 6 people in my group in the Woodbourne Priory I was the one that people “knew” wouldn’t be able to do it, so part of me keeps doing it to prove them wrong and perhaps to prove there is no “one” solution to getting soba it’s as individual as the drinking ways you are trying to get away from.

There will always be reasons why I could drink again, and if there isn’t a reason I’ll just bloody make one up…. Simply and purely cus I am an alcoholic that loves booze and the feeling of oblivion….

If you have a loved one who is trying to remove there addiction from there life, please don’t ask them to promise anything, cus let’s face it most of us addicts are or have been lying, cheating, manipulative horrible scum bags at periods of our lives and we are all capable of doing it again. Is any of what I am saying fact? Nope, it’s just my honest opinion. I haven’t read any big books (partly cus as I said before intelligence really isn’t my thang) I haven’t got any certificates, I haven’t got any letters after my name, I don’t earn a huge salary for doing very little, I’m not a self important stuck up arsehole that hasn’t actually got any real life experience of addiction and how it feels….

I’m just a mouthy numpty who has 16 years of drinking experience and 11 years of sobriety and these are just my thoughts based on my horrendous and wonderful experience of the glorious devils liquid that is booze….

Unfortunately I’m gunna have to end with another one of those goods things from AA….

“How long you have been soba isn’t important, all you can do is take one day at a time” (summit like that anyway)

If you are trying to remove your addiction from your life, be realistic take it one day at a time and if you have a blip that’s all it is a blip. Perhaps a couple of hours, maybe just a couple of drinks if you’re lucky, you can’t beat yourself up about your blip cus it will give you an excuse to spiral out of control and keep drinking cus “you can’t live without booze in your life” and “it’s the only way you can cope with life” Bollocks if I can do it anyone one can do it….

“There ain’t nothing you can’t do…. Eventually!!!!”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




Life n Death

That ain’t really the title I wanted to use but even though I’m not exactly subtle at times I thought a title saying “Suicide” was unsubtleness at it’s most unsubtle….

I have tried to avoid the Robin Williams subject this week, all the speculation about “why” he killed himself….

Apparently he took his own life because….

His ex wives have took him for 20 million
He has Parkinson’s disease
His film career ain’t what it used to be
He didn’t want to take the TV roles

And I’m guessing there have been loads of other reasons as well…. Blah blah blah….

Well…. I know why he killed himself and that’s because he knew who shot JFK and the pressure got to him…. Oh and also cus he was skint he figured if he killed himself all the reruns of his films would bring a nice income in for his family…..

Hold up, that sounds like utter made up bullshit doesn’t it, have I gone mad, am I delusional, are the voices telling me the truth, is Robin speaking to me himself???? NOPE!!!!

The reasons I have given are utter made up bullshit…. And I should be ashamed of myself for making stuff like that up, shouldn’t I? Probably, but here’s the thing…..

20 million, Parkinson’s, career, TV roles are also utter made up bullshit, it’s all purely speculation. In theory if he’s left a “suicide note” surely that will tell us the reasons why he did it? For me if there is a note anything in it is still just made up reasons, cus any note written by someone who is just about to kill themselves is bullshit as well. If you are just about to kill yourself I would to suggest you’re probably not in the most rational frame of mind….

I’m not writing this crap to upset anyone, I’m gunna try and explain what the fuck I’m on about from my own personal point of view…. If I ever read this back, which is very unlikely cus I talk so much bollox, I will more than likely disagree with what I have written and what I am about to write. My disagreement will come from simply the fact that I always try to be as honest as I possibly can, and cus I’m a “mentalist” my feelings and thoughts can change in a click of your fingers (or my fingers, anyone’s finger really, doesn’t even have to be fingers clicking it could be a tap on a desk or perhaps a whistle, who knows but I don’t think that detail is really that important….).

I have said for quite a few months now that I don’t think about suicide anymore, this in fact is bollocks…. I reckon on average I will think about suicide every couple of days, maybe twice a day. It doesn’t really matter how often I think about suicide, cus thinking about suicide is just that they are thoughts, they are involuntary thoughts, they are thoughts I’ve had on a regular basis since my late teens, they are flippant reactionary thoughts. When I was perhaps early 20’s I tried to take an overdose, obviously I failed (can’t do anything right can I??). I still don’t know to this day if that was an actual suicide attempt or a cry for help, if I had to give a definitive answer I would say it was a cry for help, with the added bonus that if no one had found me the pain would be over.

At some point this year, I was lying in bed trying to get through a bad time, trying to ride it out, when all of a sudden I got out of bed and got dressed solely for the purpose of going down to the local town centre and kill myself by jumping off the top of Asda car park. (other supermarkets available….)

A few months ago I drove myself to A&E because I was scared of my thoughts and feelings. I had a gut feeling that I was gunna lose control and harm myself, maybe harm someone else, maybe kill myself, I really don’t know…. I spent 4+ hours in A&E, whilst they appeared to be prioritising people with nose bleeds…. The full story is on here somewhere but it’s safe to say it didn’t end well, it ended with me being what I can only describe as a completely fucked up Nutjob ranting and raving at anyone I could….

Thoughts of suicide will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, but actually killing myself and ending it all couldn’t be further from my mind…. Hold up that sentence starts with something that is completely the opposite to what it ended with….

Is anyone of this making any sense? I fucking hope not!!!! Life and death doesn’t make any sense, what’s it all about? What’s the point in succeeding in life if all your gunna do at the end is die? Why play noughts and crosses when there’s only 3 possible outcomes? Why do anything? What’s the point? I for one ain’t even gunna bother trying to answer these questions…. What’s the point?

My planned day out to Asda, is the one, there was something different about that day, I was almost excited at the prospect of it all being over, part of me hoped it would make a point about the shite NHS system that had forced me to end it all and cus I’d had a few new tattoos even if I landed on my face my body would be easily identifiable….

What’s the point of all this bollocks? I have have no idea!!!!

Oh yes….
There doesn’t have to be a reason why someone kills themselves.
There may be many reasons why someone kills themselves.
But all the speculation doesn’t change a thing, unfortunately “it is what it is”.

There will always be people who believe the only answer to the pain they are enduring is to put a final end to it, there will always be people that succeed and find freedom from the unexplainable agony that is in there lives….

But the fact is….

SUICIDE IS NEVER EVER THE ANSWER TO ANY QUESTION, NOT IF YOU HAVE A RATIONAL PROPERLY FUNCTIONING NOGGIN.

Another fact is….

IF YOU ARE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING OR EVEN JUST HAVE THE SUICIDE THOUGHT GOING THROUGH YOUR NOGGIN YOU HAVEN’T GOT A RATIONAL PROPERLY FUNCTIONING NOGGIN.

I’m gunna read through the above now before I publish on the blog and put links on Twitter n Facebook, I may change a few little things but I won’t change anything dramatic, so chances are it won’t make any sense whatsoever, so the next bit ain’t really gunna help….

Have you ever had that thing when the last song you heard in your car on the way to work is stuck in your head aaaaaallllllllllll fucking day? In the morning you are annoying everyone around you by constantly humming, singing, whistling the tune, by the afternoon you are not only annoying the people around you but you are now pissing yourself write off?!?!?!?! Course you have everyone has!!!! Will anyone ever be able to explain this? Possibly, maybe not…. Who gives a shit it’s an insignificant thing, it’s just an involuntary action that happens from time to time.

Why when we bump into something do we automatically say “ow” even if it didn’t even hurt? Again, Who gives a shit it’s an insignificant thing, it’s just an involuntary action that happens from time to time.

For me that’s what mental illness is like, that’s what suicidal thoughts are like. It/they just are, they are just part of my every day life.

The thoughts and feelings my mental illness makes me have are involuntary things that happen from time to time.

The suicidal thoughts are involuntary things that happen from time to time.

There’s no reason why, there may be many reasons why but at the end of the day the only real reason that can explain these things is something completely and utterly unexplainable and that’s simply…. Mental illness

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/s/ref=is_s_ss_i_0_6?k=thingymajig&sprefix=Thingy

Como debo tomar medicamentos para la mayoria de los hombres prefieren algunos hombres o en este aspecto, muchas gracias por todos los hombres que todavía está aquí y trastornos del control, tensión etc. Maximizando asi como a complicaciones de la reproduccion y que no puedes contemplar del sexo o como agrandar su penus Pastillas de agrandamiento del pene que funcionan. Una placa de Cialis Original strips contiene 10 mg de Vardenafil, 50 mg y 100 mg las pastillas tambien se utilizara en los casos mas probabilidades de tener bajos niveles bajos de testosterona.

Is there a point to life?

The simple answer to that question is YES.

But sometimes, for me and I would hazard a guess for a lot more people than you’d think the answer would be…. No not really….

I believe they say “there’s only two things guaranteed in life and they are death and taxes….” Summit like that anyway. Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson said it better in one episode of Bottom “your born, you keep your head down and your die, if you’re lucky…” So if in the end were all gunna die what’s the point to struggling through a painful life, why don’t we just throw in the towel? Yes there’s good times, there’s great times but they are surrounded by difficult times, painful times, confusing times, pointless times etc. Unfortunately as we move forward it sometimes seems you can only remember the bad times the times that have caused the scars.

Nope, not a very positive star to this post…. It’s gunna get worse before it gets better!!!! Although the aim of this post is to be positive, eventually, first I have to deal with the negative and this time I am dealing with the negative for me to hopefully kick start my fight again, yes I hope it will help others as well but this one is mainly for me.

Today I have found myself thinking a couple of thoughts I haven’t thought for a while….

  • What’s the point
  • Nothing’s ever gunna go right for me
  • You’re a waste of a human life
  • You’d be better of dead
  • Strap on a pair and just disappear off into oblivion

I knew this “episode” was coming, it’s been coming for a couple of weeks, I’ve been fighting it as hard as I can but today I’ve found myself thinking “what’s the point”. Is there a point? I’m 41 years old, I have no wife, no girlfriend, no kids, no job, no house, no money, nothing a 41 year old really should have by now. I’ve been trying to set a few things in motion to earn a few quid but I can’t make any of them happen…. I have loads of ideas and I’m pretty sure a fully healthy me could make them all work, but I’m not fully healthy, haven’t been for many years and probably won’t ever be. Who the hell is going to take me seriously when everybody knows, cus I’ve tell and have told everyone I’m mentally ill, that’s not the best thing to put at the top of your CV….

I’ve spent a fair bit of cash trying to set these things in motion and at the moment I’m starting to believe the cash I’ve spent has been delusional and I will never get anything back…. When I was in the booze clinic I hit upon the motto “it’s better to regret those things you have done than the things you haven’t….” And I still believe in this, somehow, when I’m not listening to the demon inside my noggin I know I have to keep trying to move forward positively, but at the moment my demon is quite often the loudest voice in my head….
(That’s just a bunch of descriptive words, I don’t actually have voices, I don’t think I do anyway).

There seems to be a few of me at the moment, like the bad old days…. Am I Jon, “Jon” or exboozehound???? Somehow I have the ability to make people smile, I have the ability to calm people down, I have the ability to help people understand mentalism and alcoholism, I seem to have the ability to make people feel better about themselves. When I ran my Zorbs at the Paul McCann find for needy children day down the Halesowen Cricket Club a few weeks ago someone said to me that a few people had said how brilliant I was with the kids. My nephews love me, there’s another little kid that has said he loves me and I’m not related to him so he doesn’t have to love me, it would appear I’m a good person. One of my mates said to me a couple of weeks back (Pakres) “you’re not different Jon’s anymore are you you’re just the one Jon, I like this Jon” at the same time some one else (TH) “Jon Mansell’s ace”. All these things surely confirm I’m a good person, a loved person, someone who’s has something to give…. So why is
it inside I still sometimes feel like a horrible, worthless, pointless person, a person that will never amount to anything, a person who will never marry, settle down, have kids and live happily ever after? Why is it that when I am making people smile, helping people understand mentalism, helping people understand alcoholism, making people calmer, making people feel better about themselves,
why is it sometimes when I am laughing and being helpful and a good person on the outside, why am I sometimes dying inside and feeling horrendous mental pain, why is my demon telling me I’m an arsehole???? Why did I feel like crying when I was walking back from town this morning, why do I feel like crying now? Why do I feel like a pointless, worthless waste of a human being????

Oof, that’s an awful lot of “why’s” and if you’ve come across me before you may have read a few times that I KNOW “why?” Is a pointless and pretty much unanswerable question, asking “why” is just a waste of energy, “why” is “woe is me” “why” is me feeling sorry for myself….

I don’t know why, and in a couple of days I hopefully won’t give a flying monkeys chuff why, but at the moment I keep thinking “why”. This week, I think it was Wednesday, in the morning I saw my health worker and in the afternoon I spent about 2 hours being assessed for some more therapy. I thought I was going to be really negative with my health worker, and at times I was, but as I was being negative I was spinning pretty much everything to a positive. The afternoon assessment was hard work as well, as I was answering the 324 assessment questions I kept thinking to myself “you know what, there is something wrong with you, your noggin is definitely wired up wrong, you are a confirmed nut job, your thoughts are all wrong, you should just give up and fade away into the nothingness that you are and the pain you deserve”….

I think I’ve been about as honest as I possibly can about the current game that’s going on in my noggin, I would imagine you are pretty
certain “part” of my noggin is in a pretty horrendous and possibly dangerous place?

But, for me the most important word of the previous 1146 words is “part”….

At the moment that “part” of my noggin, the little bastard demon is winning the battles, but (and this is cheesy) IT WILL NOT WIN THE WAR…. Yes sometimes the little demon bastard has it’s fun, yes I know I ain’t right in the noggin, yes I know I have to keep fighting and very importantly I KNOW THERE IS A POINT TO MY LIFE. It might be a different point to “normal” life but there is a point and in the end I will win!!!!

There are lots of reasons why I know I’ll win but at the moment I’m unable to list them or verbalise them cus that f’ing loudmouth demon mother flipper is on top and laughing at me, but eventually, probably not today, probably not tomorrow, maybe not even next week the good part of my noggin will start shouting and winning again and kick the flipper very hard in the nuts and put him down!!!!

There is a point to my life, there is a point to your life.

If you’re feeling bad at the moment, you have to KNOW there will be plenty of good times to come. we just have to keep fighting daily to get those daily wins….

THERE AIN’T NOTHING WW CANT HANDLE…. EVENUALLY!!!!

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book




Feeling Odd

I’m finding it incredibly hard to write stuff at the moment, I’m not sure why?

I’m finding it very difficult to pick my camera up at the moment, I’m not sure why?

I’m finding it almost impossible to work out why I am struggling with a few things and I’ve worked out what to do about it….

Nothing!!!! Well not quite nothing….

I wrote a piece for Governance International the other day and emailed it off fully expecting them to email back saying it was utter bollox, but they emailed back to say various things including:-

I’m absolutely delighted, this is great!….
This gives us a good reason to get back to the network with your blog in August….
Many thanks again for your great contributions, really appreciate your good thoughts and work!….

I’ve dropped someone a message today to say I need to check out the venue for their wedding party so I can get an idea of the lights and camera setting options for the night, to make sure I do the job right…. and I will, I always do…. That may sound a little big headed, but the fact is I’m a good photographer, I’m able to see what makes a good photograph and what doesn’t, I’m talented enough to rely on my own style and individual way I shoot….

Confused????

Me as well!!!!

I think what I’m trying to say is, Yes I currently have a downer on myself and I am doubting myself a lot but that’s just the little demon in the back of my noggin that still tells me I’m a waste of a human being, tells me I could drink again and be fine, tells me I’m wasting mine and everyone else’s time with exboozehound and complaining to and about the NHS, tells me I’ll never be truly happy, etc etc, basically that little bastard of a demon is still there telling me I’m as useful as a chocolate tea pot…. The difference these days is I know that demon is wrong and I know it ain’t as powerful and stubborn as me….

So, as I move forward EVERYTHING I set my mind to I WILL make it work, yes I’ll doubt myself along the way but I know those doubts are bullshite…. Anyone who can battle against booze for 11+ years and depression/Mental Illness for 20+ years and keep on going can do anything they want to with the right dedication, hard work and perhaps a sprinkling of luck….

So watch this space….

Jon aka exboozehound is going places, get on board now while there’s still room 🙂 😉

It took me a while to work out what the title of this post was gunna be cus, as usual, I didn’t really know what I was gunna write, I’ve had so many things “Buzzing” through my noggin today, some of them good, some of them bad, some of them out of order and some of them down right horrendous…. I spent a bit of time trying to work out why today and the last couple of days have been so changeable and then I thought about something I’ve said on here before and I’ve said to quite a number of people in private. THE QUESTION WHY?, IS A POINTLESS AND PRETTY MUCH UNANSWERABLE QUESTION, SO DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME TRYING TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION….

I have a couple of things that I think may of put me in a changeable place but I will never know if it is to do with those various things and constantly thinking and rethinking about shite ain’t gunna change a thing, all it will do is drive me/you bonkers and tire me/you out and we need our energy for more important things.

The other thing we need to consider as a reason for being in a changeable place at the moment is simply cus I’m human and I guess all humans whether they are “odds” or “evens” have up n down / changeable times but as an “odd” we can very easily spiral into utter madness if we don’t catch ourselves early enough. So simply we have to look for those “triggers” (always hated this word, but now FINALLY I understand it) and react to them with tried and tested coping mechanisms or if those tried and tested ways don’t work, come up with some new ones. For whatever reason today I felt angry and aggressive, I felt strange mental but physical pain, I felt shots of non existent physically painful thoughts, I felt I wanted to get some glorious booze down my neck, I felt shy, I felt outgoing, I felt “odd”, I felt “even”…. think you might have the point now, so I walked down to the squash court and had 40 minutes on the court taking my anger and frustration out on the ball. At the end of it I thought to myself “That aint made a difference I’m still hacked off, etc, but there was a difference and that difference was simply I got off my backside and did something about it, yes probably simply a distraction technique but I didn’t fester and feel sorry for myself which I am very very capable of doing.

Is there a point to this post????

Yes, but I’m not fully sure what it is….

Someone said to me at the weekend you don’t look ill, you seem a nice bloke…. Fact is I am a nice bloke and I am ill but the 2 things don’t have to be separate. (I’m not proud of this next bit!!!!). I’ve said this before but people expect people with a Mental Illness, whatever that Mental Illness might be, to look bonkers and and down trodden. For me this is because mentally ill are usually portrayed as the “Victims of Life” those weirdo’s that were picked on at school, those weirdo’s that talk to themselves as they walk along or sit in a boozer, perhaps they rock backwards and forward a bit and of course they will have absolutely no dress sense (mind you I have none of that!!!), all these things are an absolute load of bollox!!!! It’s the same as peoples perceptions of “the alcoholic” that’s the unwashed, homeless, filthy, smelly person that kips in the park…. again absolute load of bollox. Yes I’ve exaggerated the stereo types for effect but believe me some of the conversations I have are not very far away from this at all!!!! Sad but true!!!!

There are loads of people out there struggling everyday with Mental Illness and Substance misuse, but like I did they hide the extent of it for far too long to avoid the shame of being a failure at life or life as we are taught to understand. They hide it to avoid the Stigma that goes with Mental Illness, you might think the stigma doesn’t exist anymore but it does, yes people talk about it more now but the negative stigma is still VERY VERY strong whether it be direct or indirect stigma. I know there are people hiding it out there because I have quite a few people that tell me they are hiding. They feel if they come out of the “Odd” closet they will lose there Job, home, car etc and unfortunately they probably will…. eventually. Unless they get it early enough coming out as “odd” will destroy your life, well the life we are all taught we MUST have. Do yourself or a loved on a favour….

Get help now!!!!

Be honest with yourself now!!!!

Don’t wait to get to the stage when your Noggin goes Pop, like I did, cus once you get to that stage and then have to wait months and months for the NHS to offer you any help you will lose everything. I am a failure at the life that we are taught we must aspire to. I’m 41, I have no house, no job and my car cost £250, I have no Wife, Girlfriend, Children and this is not likely to change anytime soon. I haven’t said this for your sympathy cus I am trying very hard to put a number of things together to give me a successful “alternative” life, it’s bloody hard work when your noggin cant be arsed to keep up with your passion and heart but I KNOW I’m going to make everything I’m trying to do work, guaranteed, one way or another!!!!

Mental Illness and Addiction are nothing to be ashamed of, they are simply illnesses that some of us have, more of us than you would believe, if you have issues you are hiding, stop hiding them before they destroy or kill you, get help now and I mean now. You will probably have to fight for that help and the process of any help you get will be bloody hard work but it will be worth it. Nothing will fix you over night and I can tell you now I’m not fixed, I still have a long way to go but I dont think about the journey ahead I don’t think about the journey I’ve travelled so far all that much either. I just concentrate on the now and even though the recent now is up n down, changeable, and painful at times most of the time now is good. It will be for you as well if you put the effort in and fight back!!!! 🙂

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




Mental Pain is REAL Pain

G’day all, I’m not going to post a link to this post on FB or Twitter cus it’s for you guys who come here without prompting, love ya all x

My memoir is ready, I decided the other day writing it was making me ill, along with the fact that the NHS are still “inserting an item into an orifice and moving it swiftly (or sensually depending on your preference 😉 ) in and out, whilst bending me over a table” (look at that, no swears 🙂 ).

Credit where credit is due though, Mindfulness is awesome…. But, I feel like a lot of what I’m being taught I’ve worked out myself….. Probably a bit delusional but hey ho…. I know they are showing me how to use what I know already more effectively. I used it yesterday during the break at mindfulness, I spotted something I’d said/done was because I was becoming manic, so I sat down, held my head and tried to ground myself…..It didn’t work, but at least I spotted it and gave it a go 🙂 .     (don’t know if you read my blog but if you do you opened the security door for me, sorry x).

Anyway let’s do the truth bit….
I’m well but I’m not
I’m better but I’m not
I’m strong but I’m not
I get distracted and bored easily…. Blah, blah, blah….

I’m happy…. Yup I’m happy 🙂

More truth? Cor blimey you lot are demanding!!! I’ve been offered a number of money making opportunities connected with this blog, I’ve turned them all down….. I have 15 other websites I could easily link to this site and make money off (“easily” probably the wrong word eh Rich?!). However, I need to monetize “exboozehound” for many reasons including to finance my next tattoo and I have a friend with expensive tastes, lol (sorry).

So, I’m gunna self publish my Memoir…..
How? No idea!
Is this wise? Nope!
Will it sell? Doubt it!
What’s the point then? It’s better to regret the things you have done rather than the things you haven’t!!!!

Oh the post title….. I’m in a lot of pain…. But it ain’t nothing I can’t handle!!!!!

Twitter post from yesterday….

Sometimes I/U KNOW the pains 2 much 2 survive
ReevaluateAdaptChange
I/U survived b4
I/U will AGAIN!
#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4

The title of my memoir? (Memoir is such a poncy word!!)

The title of my thingamajig?

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

What else could the title be??????

Keep smiling 🙂

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange




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Enjoy the good….

Hi, I was trying to stay away from banging on about me…. I promise this is just a quickie…….. (erm :-O )

Today I have been distributing posters for The Paul McCann Fund For Needy Children at one point I felt myself feeling guilty for being happy and jovial…. Surely someone with an MI should be miserable and low at all times???? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! I/you have to move forward and I for one am not willing to move forward miserably.

So I had a look at my motto tattooed on my arm and decided just to enjoy the good…. Cus lets face it I have to ride out the bad at times….

However, after I decided to enjoy the good I then started going over a few things in my noggin. The main questions I had for myself was;-

  • Is the upbeat, bubbly, jovial, confident person I am being today whilst distributing posters and leaflets real?
  • Am I just putting my “Jon” front on to switch back into Sales/Marketing B’shoot mode?
  • Am I being false?

There were also other questions swirling around and around my noggin, then I just stopped thinking…. Simple as that, I just stopped thinking (if you are aware of my previous stuff you will know “thunking really aint my bag” and “thunking is definitely overrated!!”).

Did I come to any conclusions before I stopped thinking?   Possibly, however that conclusion could change tomorrow or in a week or two, but currently what I will say is that my conclusion was a positive one 🙂 .

I’m currently talking/supporting to a number of people around the world and in this country. One of these people thanked me for my ongoing support yesterday which is really nice of them but in all honesty i’m not doing anything, i’m just talking to friends, friends that are struggling a bit at the moment with the circumstances of life.

All the supportive messages I have had via this blog and Twitter are amazing but in all honesty i’m not doing anything apart from being honest and open. I have to do this, partly cus I hope me being open and honest will help others not get to the desperation stage of MI and avoid the horrendous stage of isolation. There is absolutely no need for anyone to be isolated with Twitter and Facebook, some of the people I speak with have set their Twitter accounts up completely anonymously, you can do the same and start talking to other people who are going through stuff similar to what you’re going through 😉 .

Aaaannnnyyyywho…. gunna stop banging on now, this is quickly turning into a long post, i’ve got that much I want to say but nows not the time, now is the time for guest bloggers, I have a couple lined up but I am looking for more…. hint hint wink wink 😉 .

Theirs a couple of new pages on this blog, if you have you have time please have a look:-

exboozehound and his friendsWatch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

exboozehound n friendswatch The Bye Bye Man 2017 film now

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Untitled – Guest Post

Men knocking the hell out of women. I’ve read so many horrifying articles about it and my heart goes out to those women & children who live with it. I’ve never understood why anyone would stay but that’s me – a bloody hypocrite..

I saw a documentary about a lady who left and put her life back together. She said something that I could completely identify with. She said that she was ok through the day but when she heard his key in the lock she felt sick.

My H doesn’t and has never nor would he hit me. He’s just not like that. He’s a decent bloke who works hard and away much of the time. Because of this I kinda get how his world is fairly closed and he’s generally the only one in it.

He is a drinker. He won’t say he’s an alcoholic but does admit he “has a problem”. He drinks and the next day he’s “embarrassed” and “doesn’t know why he did it”. All water off a ducks back to me it’s always been but in the last few years that sound, the twisting of the cap and pouring sets me on edge, turns my stomach like the battered woman who hears the key in the lock. I know how the evening will be. He won’t be able to remember anything but will get agitated with me and insist I converse. It’s always a waste of time as when he’s sober he won’t remember and accuse me of not informing him. I’m stupid ya see, a bit thick apparently. Can’t even be trusted with info about things I used to do in my old job in banking. Can’t be right unless someone else says it. He will check what I say with someone else, the internet. Once he only took what I said from a friend of mine who wasn’t even in banking!?!

I’m not to say anything when he goes for it the night before cos “he knows OK”. But I can’t keep my trap shut. Gets me in trouble and gets me a ticking off, but I never learn. Why don’t I leave (back to my thoughts about the battered woman – ya see? Hypocrite).

Why am I spilling this? Well I have had depression and it scared the bejesus outta me. I seriously thought I would end up dead. Driving alone scared me, I took detours to avoid trees that might kill me if I bloody hit them hard enough. One doc told me to “go for a walk”. I was in pieces and it put me off going again. A friend ordered me to go again and the receptionist made me feel like I shouldn’t be there and gave me a luminous laminated sheet to hold while waiting so everyone knew I was wasting the docs time. It has large case capitals on it asking :

IS THIS REALLY AN EMERGENCY?
COULD YOU HAVE WAITED FOR A ROUTINE APPT SO SOMEONE WHO REALLY NEEDS AN APPT COULD BE SEEN?

Bla bla bla. I felt sick holding this thing, the room was getting smaller, everyone was staring wondering why on earth I was there (obs in my head but very real at the time). Yep, I walked out and drove out of my way avoiding the trees crying and terrified.

Anyway, back to the matter in hand. The sound of booze makes me sick. The sarcasm or sometimes silence, or or or that follows makes me feel like nothing. If he’s in a good mood I can be, if he’s not I may as well forget it. That’s the control his drinking has over him AND me. If i go out (I go out quite a lot) that’s wrong. Where am I going, when will I be back? I’ve learned to be elusive, that way I can’t always be late can I? He’s even called and slated me accusing me of lying about whether I’m on my way back. One weekend I had with a friend he ordered me back by 5pm and didn’t even believe her when I put her on the phone to back me up. I was so enraged that he stressed me so much we had full on war when I returned. So you see I have the fight in me when I feel normal but it wears me down.

Why not just fecking punch me?

I used to like a drink. Just to chill, be cheeky and laugh a lot at things that ain’t that funny. But the demons are heading back. They’re at the garden gate and I can hear them. I haven’t the fight in me so he’s drinking like a good un. My sons just started and now thinks he can talk to me like H does. I’m still fighting that one but what example is he more likely to follow?

So I sympathise genuinely with you guys addicted to the booze or what ever your bag is if you seriously are brave enough to recognise it and face it head on. I also feel for the others, the partners/family – it affects them too, more than you will ever know. They don’t know what to do? They feel boring, worthless, ignorant, the put downs become totally believable when we can’t stand it anymore. We don’t even own our own emotions. You’re content so we can be. Your pissed off so we are too. It’s taking over your life and OURS but gotta protect the kids. You think you’re protecting them until you realise all you do is yell at them and say awful things to them. I’m ashamed to say I don’t even want to cook for them and spend time with them when it’s bad for me. Booze affects everyone and doesn’t just affect the boozer. Why don’t I leave? I’m a feisty gobby mare who has great friends and can get on with it most of the time. Right now I’m laying down hiding from the darkness that I feel above me. God knows if I will get through it this time. I get the strength to go to the docs and it’s whether I can stand the callous, inefficient, pathetic way I will be treated with the luminous laminated shame sheet on whether I make it to the doc or if I find that tree..

Why do I identify with Jon? It’s because I’m in awe of someone who has achieved what he has. In his boozing and his depression. What is awesome about this guy is he owned how he was, he knows what he put his nearest n dearest through and he’s probably the most honest guy I’ve ever come across. My H couldn’t give a rats arse about anyone else even when he’s sober but Jon wants to help and he is. What he doesn’t know ain’t worth knowing. I’m rooting for him every day and just at the moment – hoping I can beat those little bastards too.

Thank you, anon (MC) x

I have replied to MC privately, please reply to MC to show her and others in the same situation that they are not alone!!!!

I’m not gunna comment any further….

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book

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